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Leave Him, Nicole! He’s Just A Tool. [Tool Academy Spoiler Alert?]

October 6th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Dear Reality TV Gods,

I don’t ask for much, right? Most of the time I just check in, see how you’re doing, sacrifice a few hooker bitches in the fire pit, and call it a day.

But on this very special day, I’ve got one request. I’d like to pray for the elimination of one dude douche from Tool Academy 2 this week.

Terry “T Shaw,” Super Tool

The thing is, I’ve had my eye on this dork Terry all season, and assumed he’d be gone by now. For starters, he’s not cute enough for his too-nice-and-too-pretty girlfriend, Nicole (pictured, left). He’s not cute at all, IMHO (I suck at Interwebz acronymz and that’s my first time using “IMHO,” by the way–think it workz?), especially when you take his man boobs, white sunglasses, and poseur-popped collar into account. [shudders]

Listen, I know Nicole’s got a role in this too. She started dating this fool, and after lots of bad years is still willing to take it to the Academy to make the relationship work (Maybe she’s a doormat, but hey. she’s a telegenic one with resolve). However, she’s a woman looking at long years of potentially wasteful love–I feel like her judgment is impaired. After all, in just half her stay at the Tool Academy, she’s watched tape of her boyfriend doing bodyshots off of a bunch of dirrrty lady plants…


…witnessed her relationship being referred to as a “speed bump, not a stop sign,” then sat through her dude’s pathetic, foot-in-mouth speech about how she’s “not his type,” but that’s a “good” thing…

…and on and on. Then there was the nonsense of 2 weeks ago, when Terry lost his shit watching Nicole receive a cheesy hand massage from a gentleman recruited for a set-up date. And the madness of last week, when he used both therapy and a “romantic date” to tell Nicole that she was out of line and couldn’t be trusted.

Wait, SHE can’t be trusted?

All of the above is in addition to Terry’s bullying of Nicole through the entirety of a physical, arduous team competition that nearly made her vomit (Who cares about spew when you might win something?).

Gods, I’d honestly hoped that you’d do the right thing in episode 5 and dump Terry for being a little bitch. But you didn’t. You cut the giant tool for thrashing your set in prior episodes (weird).

Frankly, I’m not sure that I trust Nicole to cut him either. She should’ve walked out on Terry by now, in a glamorous exit of flipping the bird and yelling, “Fuck this stupid fake fucking VH1 school and, by the way, fuck fucking you, you fat, ugly, idiotic assfuck!” She should have, and she might. But I’m not convinced she’s there yet.

The thing is, I like Nicole. I feel bad for her, and I think she needs to take a step back and realize she’s way too good for this nonsense. She needs a self-esteem boost, and I feel like I’ve got tons of male buddies that would be willing to “boost” for her (Just call and say the word, lady!).

So this is where you come in, Gods. Let’s trash this fool. Please make him go out with such a bang this week that he weeps in the elimination, weeps on the podium, and weeps as Nicole dumps his stupid ass. May he never hold her hand again, or do body shots anywhere within a 3,000 mile vicinity of her perky little figure. She can do so much better. Can’t we all?

Thanks so much, and I’ll def be sacrificing more hooker bitches tonight!

Bye!

Amen,
Diana

[VH1 - Tool Academy]

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Miss Prejean USA

May 12th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Here’s a video of Carrie Prejean, the reigning Miss California, near tears at a press conference–while talking about how she was unfairly treated after answering a tough question about (tsk!) gay marriage during this year’s pageant:

And here’s me (or Jen), playing the world’s smallest violin:


Sigh. What a dumb bitch.

[The Guardian: Trump says Miss California can keep her crown]

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Victoria Jackson: Obama’s Like "The Guy in China"

November 3rd, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Victoria Jackson always struck me as a one-trick pony, but boy did I like her one trick. When she was on SNL, she always played bimbos, airheads, and dumb blondes so convincingly and completely, that I was sure she was actually a genius, someone who read books and talked politics and understood other cultures and had rare insight into the human condition, like most funny people do. And after seeing this video of her Friday appearance on The O’Reilly Factor

…I think I was basically right about her, minus, um, the “genius” part. “The guy in China“? WHICH GUY, Victoria?! You have 1.3 billion to choose from. Lemme guess…we all look alike to you?! Jesus, lady. You are as dumb as you look.

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Miss Teen Dumbass

October 22nd, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Reigning Miss Teen Louisiana, Lindsey Evans, lost her crown yesterday–11 days early–after she dined ‘n’ dashed with three female friends in Bossier City, LA over the weekend but FORGOT HER PURSE IN THE RESTAURANT. Which, in addition to her ID, ALSO CONTAINED A BAG O’ WEED. (The bill, by the way, was $46.07 for 4 people.)

This is just lazy and stupid. Leaving your purse at a restaurant where you skip out on the check? That’s shamefully poor planning. Forgetting your bag of weed anywhere? What the hell kinda stoner is she? She either hasn’t smoked enough to understand its value or she’s smoked way too much to remember anything; whatever the case may be, her little pea-brain clearly can’t afford it. Also, what sort of pretty white girl can’t charm her way out of getting busted for not paying an inexpensive check and carrying a little bag of pot in her purse?

The only good news for Lindsey is that she won’t be needing brain cells in the future, where she hopes to become a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader. On second thought, I’m sure she’ll find a way to fuck that up, too. High-kicking in white boots and your underwear does require some basic motor skills and coordination.

Check out her mugshot. She looks like Tracy Flick’s dumb cousin whom Tracy is ashamed of and refuses to acknowledge in school:


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Congratulasians!

August 17th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Our warmest farts wishes go out to First Drunk Girl Daughter Jenna Bush, who just announced her engagement to some conservative tool in khaki pants Henry Hager. I think it’s safe to say that their children will not be as cute as the rightful-First Daughter Sarah Gore’s and new husband Bill Lee’s offspring…

…but I’m sure that what the future Bush-Hager spawn lack in looks, they will make up for mightily in brains.

Keep up the good work, Jenna! You are truly an inspirasian to fat, drunken, sloppy, dumb, average-looking, useless girls around the world!

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The Three R’s

June 26th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen


“I have no idea what this bag says or anything coming out of my mouth, for that matter.”

Cameron Diaz apologized this week after being snapped in Machu Picchu, Peru, carrying a bag with a red star on it that read “Serve the People” in Chinese. The slogan was one of Mao Zedong’s most famous proletariat–and utterly hypocritical–rallying cries. Maoist Peruvian rebels known as the Shining Path fought their government in the 80′s and 90′s and killed an estimated 70,000 people.

Oopsee!

If I thought Cammy didn’t fully resemble the airhead character assASSination Suckfia Coppola made of her in Lost in Translation–the only thing about that movie that didn’t reek–I would write her a letter. But I’m pretty sure Cammy can’t read, which is why I’m here to review the fundamentals of learning, also known as the three R’s: Reading,’Riting, and ‘Rithmetic.

Rule #1: Reading
If you cain’t read it, don’t wear it.

“Y’all I cain’t read this! Does it say chicken or tuna? My head hurts!”

Rule #2: ‘Riting
If you cain’t read it, don’t ‘rite it down. On your body. Permanently.

Remember when Britney got a tattoo that she thought was Chinese for “mysterious” but, instead, it turned out to be “strange”? Wow. What a sign of things to come.

Rule #3: ‘Rithmetic
If you cain’t count the number of people your favorite dictator has had killed, don’t hang him in your living room.

The price this Warhol fetched at auction in 2006 = $17.4 million
The number of people who died under Mao’s rule during the Great Leap Forward = 30 million
The ratio of deaths to dollars = 1.72 to 1

Lesson learned? Racial drag is for retards.

Class diss-missed!

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