You are currently browsing posts tagged with Dubious Achievements

“Don’t Mess With America” Does Roll Off The Tongue

May 18th, 2011 | 1 comment | Posted by Diana

Last week on Sean Hannity’s show, Newt Gingrich made an exciting campaign promise:

“I know how to get the whole country to resemble Texas.”

Which is an interesting idea, to say the least. After all, there are lots of things I love that are from Texas:

  1. Jen
  2. Jen’s parents
  3. Dr. Pepper
  4. BBQ sauce
  5. The Black Angels, Spoon, Toadies, Butthole Surfers, Buck Owens
  6. Frito pie
  7. The Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders (Why not?)
  8. The NASA Johnson Space Center
  9. The “Don’t Mess With Texas” Campaign
  10. “kay-so”

But unless we’re talking about a nation made up of millions of chicly-dressed, too-smart blogger friends and their lovely Hardass Asian Parents, swilling Dr. P while dousing Frito pie with kay-so and some BBQ sauce, blasting The Black Angels on eleven, picking up litter, all the while doing high kicks in white short-shorts in celebration of a new NASA mission… I’m not sure I’m ready for a whole country run like The Lone Star state. And I have a feeling that Newt isn’t really promising what I listed (except maybe the short-shorts).

But let us not discount the achievements of Texas. After all, thanks to its stellar governance, Texas has become nationally ranked in multiple areas that concern public life, education, and health.

According to PFAW’s Right Wing Watch blog, Texas ranks:

50th in percentage of population without health insurance (2010)
50th in percentage of children insured (2009)
50th in percentage of women receiving early prenatal care (2010)
45th in rate of infectious diseases (2010)
44th in percentage of children in poverty (2010)
42nd in per capita health care funding (2010)
40th in overall health (2010)
36th in high school graduation rate (2010)
35th in crime (2010)
35th in percentage of children immunized (2010)
34th in rate of occupational fatalities (2010)
30th in percentage of people with college degree (2008)

Texas also ranks: Continue reading “Don’t Mess With America” Does Roll Off The Tongue

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If You’re Gonna Be Worst, Be The Best

January 27th, 2011 | 2 comments | Posted by Diana

Miley Cyrus has defended a champion title!





For the second year in a row, Miley has earned top honors–by vote–from AOL’s tween site Just So You Know as the year’s Worst Celebrity Influence.




The repeat victory surprised even us, we have to admit–considering the terrible teen moms, botox robots, baby freaks, girlfriend-beaters, Jersey jokes, media victims, blowhards, rehab failures, caps lock abusers, pathological liars, aspiring hookers and Charlie Sheens all vying for the position this year.

But hey! Who are we to argue with fair competition? Congratulations, Miley! Keep up the good work!

[NY Daily News: Miley Cyrus Voted Worst Celebrity Influence Of 2010, Earning Title For Second Year In A Row]

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Recruit Him To Your Guild: Taiwanese Dude “Beats” World Of Warcraft

December 3rd, 2009 | 4 comments | Posted by Diana

Okay, fine: We’re not WOW experts. So we don’t really know what it means to kill 390,895 creatures, accumulate 7,255,538,878 points of damage, complete 5,906 quests, raid 405 dungeons and hug 11 players–but it sounds like a shit-ton of warcraft to us!  And we’re huge fans of hugging!

A fella in Taiwan, whose handle is “Little Gray,” apparently did all of the above and then some, making him the first person to accomplish basically everything that can be accomplished in 11.5 million people’s favorite lifestyle game, World Of Warcraft. Basically, he’s “beaten” the unbeatable game.

Don't lie. You totally love WOW.

Wowing WOW players


Sure, there are some bitchy WOW sticklers that are already poo-pooing on the epic win, citing a glitch in the, uh, “B.B. King achievement” and a “false victory point” used by Little Gray to override it. But we figure that people suffering from PC eye strain and extended periods of virginity just get grouchy. Details, details.

Continue reading Recruit Him To Your Guild: Taiwanese Dude “Beats” World Of Warcraft

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The Cold Head Truth

October 27th, 2009 | 2 comments | Posted by Diana

I wonder if ice forms jerking off to this ice-pop blowjob melting competition say things like, “Slow down, girl! You’re gonna give my cousin over there a cold rash! Goddamn, y’all are HOT. Oh! Holy shit! You’re so hot you’re killing ‘em! YOU’RE KILLING ED! STOP KILLING ED!!!!!”







[via GorillaMask]

Thanks, Pete!

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The Kurious Kase of Kurylenko

August 3rd, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana


I heard somewhere, once, that Olga Kurylenko (hot Bond girl) was born with six fingers on each hand. This tale also included mysterious details of Olga having digits #11 and #12 removed during her babyhood or youth, a formative element of her awkward early development. Eventually, she would blossom into a swan–with mile-long legs, striking cheekbones, and shimmering skin–and since she was all grown up and out-of-this-world hot, she could drop the little finger factoid casually in interviews ever after. What a curious creature! What a fabulous story!

Phew! I could actually like this woman, because she wasn’t one of those awful people that had spent their entire life being too pretty to be interesting, fun, smart or kind.

Let me just state right here and now that I have nothing against people with more than ten fingers (or less). And why should I? Who am I to judge a person based on how many body parts they have compared to most other people? That is simply not the point.

But I must say I was fascinated by this particular tidbit about Kurylenko. Like truly fascinated, almost to the point of obsession. Should I have happened across her visage on the glossy cover of Maxim, for instance, I would immediately begin to pore over the images of the editorial spread, quickly skipping past her flawless face and strategically peppered bits of clothing to eye the shape of her hands. After all that, how did those hands end up looking so gosh-darn perfect? I would wonder. Is it simply the magic of Photoshop? Or how much cosmetic surgery did that entail? Now that I think about it, what kind of extra fingers did she have, anyway? Two extra pinkies or two extra thumbs? Or an extra ring finger? Or a bonus nubby thing?

So here comes the big moment.

This morning, as I glanced over the first few images from a particularly beautiful behind-the-scenes spread of Kurylenko posing for the 2010 Campari calendar, I thought I had something figured out. Somebody busted.

THEY AREN’T SHOWING HER HANDS! OMG, THEY CAN’T SHOW HER HANDS!!! WOW! I thought. (Please keep in mind that this was just a minor triumph for me, as I did obviously accept that this was a rather dubious achievement/realization. But STILL…)

Look ma, no hands

No hands
No hands

Maybe with BTS photos, there isn’t time for adequate airbrushing, so they just omitted everything below her wrists! I said aloud, as if it was possible. I thought, Perhaps despite her elegant poses and near-perfect physique, there’s simply too much evidence of ol’ number #11 and #12 here! Which means this is no myth! This is really real! I don’t know why I care, but I do!

So right then and there I googled “Olga Kurylenko” and “12 fingers…”

…and realized, after all of this time and quasi-obsession, that a different Bond girl had extra fingers when she was born. And that story is shorter, as well as slightly less sweet. Gemma Arterton (that’s her) told Esquire about undergoing an operation (having the fingers “tied”) to cause them to fall off naturally, a process from which she still bears bumpy scars.

Well, that solved the mystery.

So did a closer look at those Campari shoot photos, which feature Kurylenko’s hands quite prominently:

Hands

This, my friends, is why gossip and rumors suck.

Does this mean I hate Olga now? She might be too pretty to like.

[Virb: Behind the scenes at the Campari Calendar shoot]

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Kobayashi Who?!?

July 6th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana


Joey Chestnut scarfed 68 hot dogs this weekend to set a new world record for hot dog eating during Nathan’s annual contest at Coney Island. His opponent and archrival also ate many dogs, but sadly, has lost this competition three years in a row–so, like my mom would and his parents probably have, I’ve already forgotten his name.

[Seattle Times: 68 Hot Dogs In 10 Minutes: American Joey Chestnut Wins Hot-Dog Eating Contest]

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Thing That Make Me Throw Up in My Mouth: Competitive Eating

May 27th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Competitive eating is gross. And, by extension, so are competitive eaters. These are people who train to stretch the stomach muscle and choke back their own vomit, not to mention lethal amounts of foods that you could sort of see eating in large quantities (until you actually see it done) and foods that make you barf in your mouth just thinking of them, like beef tongue, cow brains, and mayonnaise. What drives a person to achieve that? Why in the world would you take the pleasure away from eating only to replace it with…a stopwatch? What does being the world champ of pounding cabbage, like, do for you? The whole thing is just weird.

I’m willing to rethink my position on this, however, because of one “gurgitator”–even that moniker makes me gag–who’s relatively new on the scene. Her name is Juliet Lee (pictured above and below, with Takeru Kobayashi), she’s only been competing since December 2006, and she scarfed down 23 DOZEN CLAMS in six minutes this past Memorial Day to set a new clam-eating world record (yes, there is such a thing).


Oh, and she’s FUCKING HOT. And I, like everybody else, am unfairly fascinated by gross stuff that hot chicks do (in that way, I’m a dude). She has the face of Michelle Yeoh and a hatefully-teensy waist–she weighs in at 105 lbs.–despite her, um, sport. I don’t even mind that she always seems to be wearing a midriff-baring top like some slutty tween girl who wants to be the first in line to bone a Jonas Brother. I’m sure I’d even find her farts charming.

And Juliet seems kinda normal. She has a college degree in geology from her native China, she owns a hair salon, and she has two adorable daughters. (She also lives in the same Maryland town as Michelle Malkin–love to see that eating contest go down.) Did I mention she’s 42 years old?! She could almost make me forget how demented her sport is, how grotesquely contorted competitive eaters’ faces get when they jam 10 hot dogs in their mouths at once, and how, you know, they eat their own puke. Almost.

[Juliet Lee website]

Thanks, Neal!

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The North Korean Consituency: More Support Than an Underwire Bra

April 9th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il has been re-elected to the country’s parliament after an, um, arduous election season.

A “popular” leader, Jong-Il beamed in response to the deep–ahem–support, hauling in a laudable 100% of votes from his constituency.

Hrmm. What can we say? A, uh, fair election is a fair election, and, ehm, the people have spoken, we guess. So (cough, cough) congratulations to the… victor. For his… victory. In this competitive… election.

Moving on! Now that this mighty contest is behind him, maybe that bastard can direct his attention towards giving our girls Laura and Euna back.

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Now He’s Just Everyone’s Blagoje-bitch

January 30th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana


ADVICE THAT SHOULD NEVER BE TAKEN:

“When you’ve done something(s) really, really, really, really, really, wrong, just convince yourself that you haven’t–and, in fact, that you’ve done great things, instead.

Most importantly: Never, ever say fucking never.”

[Image via NYU Local]

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It Takes Your Picture

November 25th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

I’m not a tech-snob or anything, but…

Shouldn’t a 2008 digital SLR snapper being featured on CNN do something that sounds a little more special? Like nanny your children? Or purify water? Or make Michelle Malkin appear less rodent-like?

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Satay-sfaction

July 28th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana


After being shamed by hot dog-scarfing jackoff Joey Chestnut at Nathan’s annual hot dog eating contest two years in a row (which accounts for twice too many times), Takeru Kobayashi has finally gotten his revenge…


…by housing 385 sticks of satay in yesterday’s Singaporean Major League eating competition, a brilliant effort that helped him quash Chestnut (who only downed about, y’know, 292)!!

Congratulations, Kobayashi! You’re back in the winning pool. And a lesson to Chestnut: Don’t try to beat The Golden People on our own territory. Didn’t you learn anything from the Vietnam War?

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Contortasianists

July 16th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Victoria Jacoby is an 11 year-old American girl adopted from China. But there’s clearly something of the home country still left in her, um, bones. Her audition for America’s Got Talent aired last week and impressed the judges enough to send her on to the next round:

I can’t explain why I feel like puking after seeing that. I just do.

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