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Student Survives DEA Ordeal That Would Make An Awesome Stoner Movie

May 3rd, 2012 | 1 comment | Posted by Jen

UC San Diego student Daniel Chong–no relation to Tommy–was just trying to celebrate 4/20 with his bros when the DEA raided the house he was partying in. Things got exponentially worse for Chong after that when he was accidentally left in a DEA holding cell for five days without food, water, or access to a toilet. (Curiously though, there happened to be some meth in the cell, which Chong took, presumably out of desperation and/or a desire to make Neil Patrick Harris magically appear on a unicorn bearing a platter of White Castle burgers.) The 23 year-old had to drink his own urine to survive, and spent five days in the hospital after he was discovered, on the verge of kidney failure.

I know just the man to play Chong in the biopic

But that was nothing, I’m guessing, compared to what Chong’s Hardass Asian Mother did to him next, when she found out her son was “doing the drug.”

[LA Times: DEA apologizes to student left unattended in cell for 5 days]

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We Regret To Inform You That Your Amazian Status Has Been Revoked

September 20th, 2010 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Oh Bruno, Bruno, Bru-noooooooooo.

Arrested in Vegas for coke possession? In a public bathroom at the Hard Rock Casino? Not to mention looking hella goofy in your mug shot?

AMAZIAN STATUS REVOKED!

But Jen, you say, who doesn’t love a little bumpity-bump now and then, a little Frosty the Snowman and Christmas come early? What, you don’t like to party? And I say, Sure, if you like diarrhea of the mouth, a limp dick, and the persistent feeling that there’s a crusty booger hanging out your nose that you can’t quite get to all night, have your fun, man.

But here’s the problem: Before you become a rock star cliche, you gotta become a rock star. Getting caught with coke is so third act of your career, not the first. No one knows who the fuck you are yet. You didn’t win a VMA. And your debut solo record is still a week away from dropping. Even Paris Hilton released a full-length album before she got busted with drugs twenty times in one month. And that album actually and astonishingly Continue reading We Regret To Inform You That Your Amazian Status Has Been Revoked

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Oh Whitney, You Betta Work

April 14th, 2010 | 1 comment | Posted by Diana

Here’s Whitney Houston, perhaps the greatest singer that ever was, in one of the great moments of her career:

And here’s that wacky crackhead trying to sing her own hit last night.

Continue reading Oh Whitney, You Betta Work

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The Wang Way To Win

October 26th, 2009 | 2 comments | Posted by Diana

Do you remember 21-year-old Wang Jing, a Chinese sprinter from last summer’s Beijing Olympics?

So Wang

So Wang

If not, it’s because she didn’t qualify for a second round heat in either of her races during those games, the 100m and 4x100m. You probably missed her.

Last week, however she celebrated gold in the 100m at the 11th Chinese National Games. And silver in the 200m! Dayum!

Today, it was annouced that Wang failed a drug test and was stripped of her gold medal. Worse, the Chinese Athletics Administration Center (CAAC)–China’s governing body for track and field–has BANNED WANG AND HER COACH FOR LIFE from competition.

What a shitty Monday, huh? First, FAILING. Then, banned for LIFE. Wang is never getting hugged by her parents again.

[Reuters: China's Womens 100 Metres Champion Banned For Life]

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"All I Did Was Eat Your Dumplings"

June 29th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Lessons learned from the following video:

a) Do not eat your older sister’s motherfuckin’ dumplings.

b) If you fail to follow through with a), capture your sister’s hissy fit on camera and then upload it to YouTube so that she winds up looking “like the bitch” to Mom and everybody else on the planet.

Also…

c) Drugs are bad.

[via BuzzFeed]

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Oldass Asian Grandpot

December 5th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Multiple readers were quick to tell me the news: the world’s oldest marijuana stash (2,700 years old) was discovered last week in the tomb of a shaman in China.

What most of the news outlets neglected to report, however, was the note tucked neatly into the shaman’s front pocket, bearing the message*:

“Sorry, homes. I hit it already. It’s totally cashed.”

*Okay, maybe there was no note. But that is some oldass weed–don’t even think about it!

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Thanks, Darryl, Michael, and Jasmine!

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