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Tila Tequila Comes Out (Again)

November 13th, 2009 | 10 comments | Posted by Jen

Tila Tequila’s come out again!

tila-pickle-brittanyNo more pickles for Tila!

The girl who began her career catering to straight dudes too cheap to buy their own porn, then graduated to bisexuality just in time to premiere–what else?–a bisexual dating show, has come out as a lesbian, as she announced on Twitter this week.

Screen shot 2009-11-12 at 9.33.41 PM

Continue reading Tila Tequila Comes Out (Again)

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Tila Protects Herself Before She Wrecks Herself (Again)

April 10th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Y’all, I’m pretty sure the world is coming to an end, because I was just over on Twitter when I discovered this:


Tila Tequila’s protecting her updates?! As in, she’s keeping some of her shit to herself for a change? I’m not sure if this signals that pigs can fly and hell’s frozen over, but I like it.

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"Ladies" Who Lunch

April 2nd, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana
Tila Tequila and Meghan McCain finish lunch
at Hollywood’s Chateau Marmont, March 28

MEGHAN: I’m really glad we did this, Tila.

TILA: Me too! Thanks for buying lunch.

MEGHAN: Well, you said you couldn’t find your wallet.

TILA: Oh! Um, yeah!

MEGHAN: Um, you’re welcome.

TILA: You have a lot of dough though, right? I mean your mom’s totally loaded.

MEGHAN: Well I don’t really like to talk about money.

TILA: Oh. Why?

MEGHAN: I’ve always heard it’s kinda tacky. Kinda like talking smack about your dad’s first family when they’re not around to defend themselves. Not like my mom does that or anything.

TILA: Hunh.

MEGHAN: Hunh.

TILA: Hey, did you buy your boobs?

MEGHAN: Excuse me?

TILA: God, you must have bought really expensive ones. They’re so real, it completely looks like it’s all real fat in there.

MEGHAN: Er, yeah, my breasts are real.

TILA: Oh my gaw! Praise the lawd Jesus! I love ‘em! You’ve got awesome tits, girl.

MEGHAN: Thank you. Everybody loves my boobs.

TILA: I just want to stuff my face in them and then make out with your thighs for my vlog. And then take you home to meet my parents.

MEGHAN: I, uh, okay.

TILA: And gaw, I’m like, just so glad we hooked up on Twitter! Ha… you can actually say “I hooked up with Tila Tequila… on Twitter.”

MEGHAN: Yeah… I… could?

TILA: It’s just that when I found that you like, fully looked up to me, I just sooooo wanted to like, reach out, like to a little sis or an um, like, rabid fan, or whatever. I can’t believe you’re my rabid fan! I love that!

MEGHAN: Oh girl, I love you. But I don’t know if you could call me a “rabid fan,” per se. It’s not really like that. I just think it’s cool that you–

TILA: Make out with chicks.

MEGHAN: Well, not–

TILA: Have beautiful, big tits.

MEGHAN: I mean–

TILA: Hate the gooks.

MEGHAN: You–wait, what?

TILA: You wanna “If You Seek Amy!” Girrrrl!!!

MEGHAN: Um, Tila, I think I might just going through a rebellious stage. I hate my parents. My mom’s a robot.

TILA: Mine too!

MEGHAN: That’s awesome.

TILA: I know. So annnyways, when I realized we were going to lunch, I was like, we’re gonna dress all ladylike, right? So I’m gonna wear a little black dress and my classiest stilettos! And then I was all like, ohmigosh. Pearl necklace. I’ve gotta wear a pearl necklace!

MEGHAN: Are those… pearls?

TILA: Well, I mean, kinda! Anyway, pearl necklaces are like my favorite thing. If you know what I mean! [snorts]

MEGHAN: Yes, I think I do. Hey, not to get or technical or anything, but I think those balls on your necklace are more accurately meant to appear “pearl-like.”

TILA: [suddenly emotional] Girl, don’t hate.

MEGHAN: What??

TILA: Are you being a hater?

MEGHAN: I… I’m sorry, what?

TILA: I have suffered so much hardship in my life already. And when you’re on top [snorts], people just want to take you down. They wanna be haters! And I say, fuck the haters!

MEGHAN: Tila, I’m not… I’m not hating.

TILA: Fuck the haters! Don’t be a hater! Don’t breaka my stride, girl! Don’t hate!

MEGHAN: I just spent two-hundred bucks on lunch. Why would I hate?

TILA: Girl, don’t talk about money. That’s just tacky.

MEGHAN: I just told you that!

TILA: Bitch, please! [whips out Blackberry]

MEGHAN: What are you doing?

TILA: I’m tweeting this.

MEGHAN: Oh my fucking God. You’re like a goddamn Twitter addict!

TILA: Yeah, I twitter a lot, ho! Right now I’m saying that you’re a cunty, money-grubbing, hater bitch. Should show up on your phone in a second. Oh, and now I’m saying that you take the Lord’s name in vain.

MEGHAN: Oh my god, you’re a full-on psycho.

TILA: Right now I’m tweeting that you’re a full-on psycho.

MEGHAN: I hate you.

TILA: I didn’t vote for your dad.

MEGHAN: Who cares? Neither did I!

TILA: I’m tweeting that.

MEGHAN: AUGHHHHHHH! [exits]

[Us Magazine: Meghan McCain Goes to Lunch With MTV's Tila Tequila]

Thanks, Jasmine!

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Second Verse, Same as the First

January 12th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

I discovered over the weekend that you can sorta make a living–albeit in Linden Dollars–as a Second Life hooker. (The current exchange rate is 250 Linden Dollars to the US Dollar, and a high-priced Second Life call girl makes 2000-3000 a night, which amounts to 3 or 4 lattes in the real world.) I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised, because every economy in the real world also seems to exist on Second Life, but I’ve never actually been on Second Life, nor have I even had the inclination, so this was news to me.

And I was intrigued. Oh, the possibilities! Can you imagine what hookers are like in a virtual world? They could be Ph.D candidates-cum-hookers! Or astronauts-cum-hookers! Or race car drivers-cum-hookers! Or classical pianists-cum-hookers! (Yes, I’m aware that I just wrote “cum” four times.) So I went on a Second Life escort site to see what these virtual ladies of the night were all about, expecting to find many unexpected and therefore titillating choices.


Name: Fuktoi Nakamura
Nationality: English
Languages: English
Age: 19
Bust Size: D

“Amerasian, best of both worlds. I’d love to be your instrument of pleasure: I’m Bi, girls don’t be shy. Escort/model/assasin (sic), take your pick.”

Name: Zero Owatatsumi

“If you want, I do dress in cosplay. I can be innocent if you want, or dominting (sic). Men/Women welcome.”


Name: Kimmie Park
Nationality: Asian
Languages: Chinese, English
Age: 23
Hair: Black
Eyes: Blue

“I’m a 23 year old slender Asian play toy…I am naturally submissive but can switch.”

And then, quite suddenly, I was bored. Bored out of my gourd. Between the drive-bisexuality, the declarations of submissiveness, the Asian chick with the blue eyes, the obligatory and dare I say weary mention of cosplay, and the horrible spelling, I was no longer intrigued, “Escort/model/assasin” notwithstanding (which was kinda funny). If this is as good and imaginative and kinky as hookers get in Second Life, then life must be just as dull, pedestrian and predictable as it is in the First.

Sounds like. So. Much. Fun. Sign me up.

[via BuzzFeed and Kotaku]

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Bitch, Please

December 10th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

This week, US Weekly nabbed an exclusive with Tila Tequila, whose book Hooking Up with Tila Tequila is in stores now, where she told the tabloid that she wants to adopt a boy.

“Sometimes I think, like, let’s just run away from Hollywood and adopt a son, and do my own thing,” she said. “But then I realize, you know what? I want to make at least another billion dollars before I adopt children so I can just focus on them.”

“ANOTHER billion dollars”? Really? I’m not so hot with numbers (I fake it pretty well, though), but doesn’t saying you want to make another billion dollars suggest that you’ve already made a billion dollars?

Dayum, Tila. A few may have bought into the idea of you being bi, but how stupid do you think people really are?

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Colorasian

November 11th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

There’s just something about hearing a celebutard drive-bi actress mutter about how great it is to have elected “our first colored president”…

…that makes me think we shouldn’t ask celebrities to talk about politics.

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When Former Fake Lovers Collide

October 27th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen
Together Again: Courtenay Semel and Tila Tequila celebrate Tila’s 27th birthday in Miami

COURTENAY: I thought we were broken-up. Didn’t I cheat on you or something?

TILA: Hahahahahaha! You’re so funny! That’s why I love you! My girlfriend’s got jokes! Smile for the paps! Make it look real! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee!

COURTENAY: This is getting a little old, don’t you think? By the way, your dress reminds me of a trash bag. I sorta want to dump my receipts and purse-lint into it.

TILA: Happy birthday to me! Happy birthday to me! Happy birthday, dear Tila–

COURTENAY: What, what are you doing with my hair?

TILA: I’m playing with it because you’re my girlfriend. And that’s what girlfriends do. Partaaaaaaaaaaaay! We’re having so much fun! (loudly, to the assembled crowd) I JUST CAN’T WAIT TO TAKE THIS GIRL HOME AND LICK HER PUSSYYYYYYYYYY! Yum yum!

COURTENAY: Wow. I thought I was a publicity whore. But I’m starting to think that this is really beneath me. You do know that no one believes you’re gay, right?

TILA: When I play with your hair, nobody notices that your eyes are crossed! Yippeeeeeeee!

COURTENAY: Sigh. (to the paps) Do you guys mind taking the picture? I’d like to finish this up, then go home, draw a nice warm bath, put on some Sarah McLachlan, slit my wrists lengthwise, and call it a day, okay?

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Tila-Come-Lately

September 4th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Yet another way in which Tila Tequila takes an old trend and makes it all her own (and yes, we are talking about her alleged drive-bisexuality): skinny headbands, ladies and gentleman! How very 2006! What’s next? Building a social networking empire on this little newfangled thingy for college kids called, um, Face-something or another? Declaring that her favorite show on TV is The Wire? How about bringing back skinny jeans? Vests? Skulls? Or buying shares in Google? We heard they just went public and you can get them on the cheap!

Snoozzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzze.

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Thanks, Jasmine!

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Still Not Bi-ing It

August 5th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen
Courtenay Semel with her alleged new girlfriend, Tila Tequila


TILA: Hurry up, betch, and kiss me.

COURTENAY: Hold your horses, lady! I gotta uncross my eyes first.

TILA: Ughhh. Not that again.

COURTENAY: Yes, that again.

TILA: I sure know how to pick ‘em.

COURTENAY: (hysterically laughing) Betch, pleeeeeease. Do you know how much my daddy’s worth? I could buy your little Chinese ass if I wanted to.

TILA: Dude. I’m Vietnamese, you dumb slut.

COURTENAY: What’s the diff?

TILA: Good point. Did you get those wonk-eyes uncrossed yet? We gotta make out, betch. People don’t believe I’m bi and I really really really need the street cred, ‘kay?

COURTENAY: And I really really really need people to know who the fuck I am. Hanging out with other rich betches is not really helping. (beat) You’re right. We both really really really need each other.

TILA: That’s what I’m sayin’! Trust me. I have the Mid-ass touch. Everything I rub on turns to gold.

COURTENAY: Alright, alright! I’ve almost got my eyes uncrossed.

TILA: Fuck. We’re getting nowhere with this. (sighs) Just take the picture.

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Thanks, Jasmine!

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Dear Lindsaysian

July 18th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Dear Lindsay,

How are you? I’m fine. I’ve been really busy or whatever, but everything’s great, just great!

Let me cut to the chase: I’m not a huge fan of yours. I am freaked out by your family. I am freaked out by your freckly legs. I am freaked out by your mug shot. Hell, I am freaked out by your Friday (Hee hee! Get it?). People say you can act–which is true on some level (I loved Mean Girls)–but I’ve seen you with that gravelly voice, shoving your hands in your pockets, shrugging your shoulders and acting petulant, in enough movies (Okay, I’ve seen Freaky Friday and I Know Who Killed Me and, by God, Lucky You… which is more than I can say for most of the world) to know that you’re a bit of a one-trick pony.

I don’t think fame-dependency has been good for you. I’ve noticed that your weight constantly fluctuates (you’re looking a bit thin these days, by the way… I do hope it’s pilates and not yay). You parade around Robertson Blvd. with a perpetual come-hither lip snarl, but nobody’s coming hither. And now that you’re no longer under rehabordeathwatch, and your agent is freaking out because your “serious stripper” movie proved to be a fucking disaster, and the trades told everyone that your big-screen name is spelled F-L-O-P on television, you ‘re actually starting to seem… really, really desperate.


Is this why you seem to be taking cues from our DISGRASIAN Hall-of-Shame-whore, Tila Tequila? Let’s face it, she needs attention like most people need air, and so do you! She loves her tits, and so do you! She loves sequined dresses, chapeaus, going blonde, and rubbing up against butch chicks…


…and so (see above) do you!

The problem with this is not so much that we don’t bi your paparazzi-perpetuated lesbian love affair (drive-bis are tired, and we loathe them all).

It’s that we don’t care.

NOBODY. CARES.

TAKE AN ACTING CLASS. BECOME MORE INTERESTING. DO SOMETHING. DO BETTER. DON’T JUST DO YOUR HOMELY FEMALE BEST FRIEND.

I’m so fucking bored of you I could tip a cow (but I won’t).

xoxox,
diana

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Abject Humiliasian

July 2nd, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Even though we kiiiiiinda think that Tila Tequila’s producers took Kristy–her last woman suitor standing–aside and whispered in her ear, “There’s an extra 5k in it for you if Tila picks you to prove she’s bi, but you reject her so she can still bang dudes” …we still really, really, really, really, really, really enjoyed watching Tila get rejected in her own fake final eliminasian tonight.

BWAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!!!!

PFFFHAHAHA HA HA HA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

HA HA HA HA!

MMRRGGHHA HAHAHAHAHAAA!!!

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Thanks, Jasmine!

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Margaret Bis This Crap?

June 10th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

As I’ve watched the candidates in this election cycle come and go, and their powerful friends step up to give endorsements, I’ve found myself developing more of an opinion about the endorser than the endorsed.

For example:

Chuck and Huck

When Chuck Norris came out strong for Mike “God and I Think the Constitution Could Use Some Work” Huckabee, I didn’t lose any sleep or respect for the Huckster (there wasn’t a lot to begin with). But I definitely stopped believing that Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

So now how should I feel, even though a Presidential candidate isn’t on the line, about the fact that my heroine Margaret Cho has come out on behalf of Tila Tequila?

She wrote this today on her blog:

“I love Tila Tequila and in many ways I consider her my spiritual daughter. She is a beautiful Asian American woman with a head for business and a bod for sin. She rules and she’s got tattoos!! Oh and she is bisexual!! She’s great and I think her show “A Shot at Love” is groundbreaking and fabulously entertaining

Sometimes people complain and say that the show is all fixed fake and that Tila isn’t really queer and it’s all bullshit, but I don’t believe them. I think it is real, and even if it isn’t – who fucking cares? We have a major hit TV dating show that revolves around a queer star. The real identity of the players or the legitimacy of the game isn’t important to me. What is important is that people like Tila, which means people like me, are no longer invisible. We are here, we are queer, and everyone is getting used to it.”

The thing is, I don’t know if I care more about the fact that Margaret got behind Tila (not lit-rally, but like the Kennedys for Obama), or her casual willingness to dismiss the importance of the identity of Tila’s sexual pawns. I’m all for high-visibility gays and bis but without identity, attention is just bullshit. And should we really celebrate exploitation without real progress? I dunno, maybe we should ask mid-century Black performers that got to dance and sing for white folks but couldn’t enter through he same concert hall doors.

How should I feel about this? Maybe I’ll just introduce Margaret to Chuck and call it a day. That’ll kill two stones with one burn.

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Thanks, Jasmine!

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