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You, ol’ boy, have always been a curmudgeonly, conflicted, narcissistic, arrogant little cunt of a man. A curmudgeonly, conflicted, narcissistic, arrogant little cunt with the voice of a silvery angel, but a cunt nonetheless. And maybe that’s what most people love about you. In an age where most rock stars are just reality-star-husbands-in-training or rehab seat fillers, it’s quite a rarity for a music persona to commit fully to the persona, and completely reject being a real person. So the magical music man that is less a man than an endless well of contradictions can be a welcome reprieve, a thing to be endlessly fascinated by, a mystery perpetually left unsolved: A fay macho-guy. A gaudy, attention-whoring recluse. A bitter-tongued poet. A bleak dreamer. A senescent child.
In the decades that I have followed you and your work, I’ve always rationalized that the element anchoring all of your wild idiosyncrasies–the extreme beliefs and outlandish statements, offensively defensive attitude, insistence on flapping that damn mic cord all around the stage like a lasso while every other performer in the world has gone wireless–was intelligence. You are a self-taught educated man. A smart man. A man of many nuances.
How then, did this comment, made to poet and Guardian writer Simon Armitage, come to pass?
“Did you see the thing on the news about their treatment of animals and animal welfare? Absolutely horrific. You can’t help but feel that the Chinese are a subspecies.”
Filed under: Animal Rights Activists, Drama, Guardian UK, Love Hate Music Racism, Morrissey, Morrissey Calls Chinese "Subspecies", Moz, Mysterious People, Offensive Statements, Rock Stars, Simon Armitage, Taxonomy, The Smiths, Walking Contradictions
Nike has just released a new spot marking Tiger’s return to professional golf:
In dramatic black and white, a pensive–perhaps repentant–Tiger Woods stares beyond the camera (thinking about either his fall from grace or a turkey club sandwich), hearing the words of his late Hardass Dad:
I am more prone to be inquisitive to promote discussion.
I want to find out what your thinking was.
I wanna find out what your feelings are…
and… did you learn anything?“
Frankly, I think Tiger has learned something very important: good marketing, sorry faces, and a stellar golf game can EASILY clean up the Katrina of sex scandals in about… six months!
But maybe I’m wrong. Please discuss (comment) below.
Filed under: Cheaters, Creepy Voices, Dads, Drama, Earl Woods, Hardass Parents of All Colors, Learning Things the Hard Way, Nike, Post-Mortem Appearances In Commercials, Repentance, Showbiz Moms and Dads, Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods Apologizes, Tiger Woods Nike Commercial, Tiger Woods Returns to Golf, Tiger Woods Sex Scandal, Tiger Woods Sex Scandals, Turkey Club Sandwich Tiger Woods
Democratic candidate and AOTW Judy Chu was the top vote-getter Tuesday in the race for the 32nd Congressional District seat vacated by Secretary of Labor Hilda Solis, winning 32.5% of the vote. But because she didn’t receive a 50% majority, she’ll face off with Republican Betty Chu, who got 10% of the vote, and some Libertarian dude who’ll be a non-factor, in a July runoff.
The drrrama factor of Chu v. Chu is amped by the fact that Judy and Betty are related by marriage (Betty is married to Judy’s first cousin). And they hate each other! Especially after this election, during which Judy’s campaign accused Betty of trying to coattail on Judy’s name–Judy is the more well-known of the two–and of changing her Chinese name characters, which were printed on the ballot, to more closely resemble Judy’s (Mistasian Identity, Betty…that’s some dirty pool!). To which Betty–who, at 72, is 17 years Judy’s senior–replied, “Believe me, my name has been around a lot longer than hers. I was born with that name.”
Well, not really, given that the 32nd Congressional District is mostly Latino, strongly Democratic, and expected to go to Judy, but can you blame us for dreaming?
Happy 33rd birthday to the pretty-faced Zhao Wei, whose life as an actress in China has been nothing if not colorful.
We wish her good gifts (like a Lanvin necklace or dessert-of-the-month subscription), great gifts (like a donation in her name to Kiva or a personal robot), and–most importantly–a year without drrrrrrama! Don’t we all kinda need that?
Here’s a bitch fight I wish I’d witnessed:
“…Tila [Tequila] saw Joel [Madden, and] ran up to him and started acting super flirty-grabbing and hugging him,” a spywitness told The National Enquirer.
“Nicole had her back turned,” the insider continued, “But when she realized that Tila was all over him, she ran up and yelled, ‘Joel..JOEL!”
Nicole pulled Joel away to the couple’s table, but that wasn’t a big enough of a hint for Tila, who continued pursuing Joel in the presence of her pregnant companion. When she tried approaching Joel a second time, all Hell broke loose.
“That was the last straw for Nicole. She got right in Tila’s face and screamed, ‘Back off and get out of here.’”
Tila stood her ground for a few moments, but left the affair red-faced with shame once she realized Nicole’s outburst had made her the laughing stock of the party.
Ooh, the fireworks! Midge versus midge! Stick arms versus stick arms! Famous-for-nothing versus famous-for-nothing! And all over Play-doh-faced Joel Madden–there hasn’t been a celebutard love showdown this worthless since Lindsay Lohan and Hillary Duff duked it out over Aaron Carter!
Decisions, decisions… who can you root for?
Hails from: Los Angeles
Known for: Winning an Obie for his first play, FOB, about the complicated nature of Asian-American identity, winning a Tony–the first Asian-American to do so–for the masterful M. Butterfly, a post-modern take on Puccini’s opera and the real-life, gender-bending love affair between a French diplomat and a Chinese opera singer (which was later adapted into a film by David Cronenberg), being named a Pulitzer finalist this year for his latest effort, Yellow Face, inspiring our peeps to become artists, writers, actors and dramatists.
If you’re not familiar with Hwang’s work, buy a copy of M. Butterfly right this minute. It’s life-changing, we swear.
Tyra: Woo-woo! Raise the roof! Who’s playing again? Where am I?
Beyonce: Hehehehehehehehehehehehe. I don’t know why I’m laughing. I smile a lot.
Kimora: I INVENTED the hooker shoe. Bitch wouldn’t even have a “career” without me. Hello? I’m still barely married to Russell Simmons, godfather of hip-hop. And you are…Bouncesay? Byronjay?
Tyra: Guys, don’t fight. This is not very female empowerment of us. We need to support each other like my bra supports my jugs. ‘Kay?
Kimora: Bitch, you betta stop laughing. Don’t make me get all Single White Female on you and stab you in the eye with a hooker boot.
Beyonce: Hehehehehehehehe. I laughed so hard I just peed my pants.
Kimora: That’s it. (sound of boots being unzipped)
Tyra: Kimora Lee, can’t you work this out on my show? It’ll be just like when Naomi and I put aside our differences. Girl power! Raise the roof!
Kimora: Tyra, sweetie, how do I tell you this in a nice way? Naomi looked fierce on your show and you looked like poo. Come here Bayanshee! Mama’s got a little present for you.
Beyonce: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKK! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOW! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!
Jay-Z: Womenfolk. Shee-it.