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After watching Kate Gosselin’s interview on the Today Show Monday, we’re starting to believe that she’s more Asian than her soon-to-be-ex Jon.
Not only did she tell Meredith Vieira, “I wake up, and I feel a lot of failure” (around the 3:05 mark) concerning the end of her marriage, she also sounded a whole lot like a Hardass Asian Mama–one part stiff upper lip, one part guilt trip–when she said:
“I want my children to see a mother who is committed to her children, who’s determined, who has integrity, perserverance, and never gives up. I want my children to see that everything I’ve done for them is out of love.” (3:30)
Jon, meanwhile, was supposed to counter later that day in an interview with Ryan Seacrest on E! News that was mysteriously canceled at the last-minute. One hundred bucks says he’s scrambling to find a new PR team to make him seem like less of a douchetard loser as public sympathy grows for Kate, wackass hair, shrewish tendencies and all.
Good luck with that, buddy.
MICHAEL LOHAN: Eyyyyyy! [points to Ratner] My boyyyyyyyyyyyyys!! Yo!
JON GOSSELIN: It’s so different when you know there’s a camera there.
BRETT RATNER: Right?
MICHAEL LOHAN: Oh. I always know there’s a camera there.
BRETT RATNER: Right.
JON GOSSELIN: So…ah…where are all the fine ladies, or y’know, where are the…?
BRETT RATNER: What’re you talkin’ about bro? There’s so much snatch here you’d think we were robbin’ a bank.
MICHAEL LOHAN: Yeah, I could get some work done in a little orifice space.
BRETT RATNER: I could lick the poon clean.
MICHAEL LOHAN: Yeah, I bet half the girls here screw better than my daughter.
[Astronomically awkward, 9-months pregnant pause]
JON GOSSELIN: I, uh…
MICHAEL LOHAN: Don’t get your panties in a wad, spermy! I’ve never laid a finger on my little girl. You know, right? You’re a father.
JON GOSSELIN: I love my children. I just hated my wife. And my life.
MICHAEL LOHAN: So you know what I’m saying. I think my daughter is an incredibly gifted, talented, mature woman. I’m very proud of her and if any journalist or blogger of Facebooker here wants to put me on record saying that, bring it on.
BRETT RATNER: Yeah. I think she’s super talented too. She looks really good. I’ve been dying to photograph her nude, artfully.
JON GOSSELIN: Oh, you know her?
BRETT RATNER: Oh yeah. I “know” her.
MICHAEL LOHAN: Yeah he does. I bet she fucks real good.
JON GOSSELIN: Um. Michael?
MICHAEL LOHAN: Kidding, Gossie, kidding! You have daughters… you know what I mean!
JON GOSSELIN: I…er… don’t, dude. I don’t think I do.
MICHAEL LOHAN: Ha ha ha!
BRETT RATNER: Man, we are a force to be reckoned with, huh? Bunch of sucessful, powerful, good looking dudes.
JON GOSSELIN: Thanks for noticing! I’ve actually been doing some crunches in the mornings. I don’t know if I would call myself super successful, though. Well, I’ve sorta co-written a book. And I know what you do. But I don’t actually know what Michael does.
MICHAEL LOHAN: I’m a student of life, brah.
BRETT RATNER: Yeah, he’s a student of life, man! Look at him! He’s the man!
MICHAEL LOHAN: You could photograph me nude.
BRETT RATNER: I should cast you guys in a movie! [To Gosselin] You’re part Chinaman, right? And what are you, a Gemini, Aries?
JON GOSSELIN: Chinaman?
MICHAEL LOHAN: You eat rice.
JON GOSSELIN: So do you!
BRETT RATNER: Yes, but [points to himself and Lohan] it’s different when we do it.
JON GOSSELIN: I’m half Korean. I’m also French and Welsh.
BRETT RATNER: “Oh welsh!” Hahaha! I think you could still be a really funny Chinaman.
JON GOSSELIN: I’m not an actor.
BRETT RATNER: That’s what people told Michael, and look at him. That’s what people told me, and look at me!
JON GOSSELIN: Um. Yeah. I’m starting to think that I don’t really want to.
Ruh-roh. Jon Gosselin has a PRoblem (that’s a PR-problem).
A month ago, when Kate filed divorce papers, Popeater conducted a poll, and the majority of people sided with Jon. But recently, they conducted the same poll, and the results flip-flopped.
Moving far away from your kids, trotting out your new 22 year-old girlfriend in the south of France, partying aboard a yacht, and looking like a douchetard one month after your divorce does not, as it turns out, make people love you.