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Harvard Beats Yale In Latest Round Of Elitist F*ckery

November 15th, 2011 | 1 comment | Posted by Jen

In the run-up to “The Game”–Harvard and Yale’s annual pre-Thanksgiving pretense at college football–Harvard students have produced this “Occupy Yale/We Are The 6%” shirt, the 6%, as Gawker’s Maureen O’Connor points out, referring to Harvard’s 2011 admission rate, the lowest of the Ivies and a whole 1.15% lower than Yale’s:

Jesus Fuck. This is actually too boring to be offensive. I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again: you can’t have a school rivalry when your football has become so sub-par. Harvard, Yale (my alma mater)…does anyone really think there’s a difference? We’re all the same kind of asshole. (Except for the person who actually buys the Occupy Yale shirt. S/he is a MUCH bigger asshole.)

When measuring Ivy League dick, I much prefer this shirt, by men’s designer Mark McNairy:

Continue reading Harvard Beats Yale In Latest Round Of Elitist F*ckery

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The Lost Summer’s Eve “Hail To The V” Asian Vagina Reel

August 2nd, 2011 | 5 comments | Posted by Jen

You know those Summer’s Eve commercials that created quite a stir recently? The ones that seemed to imply all women’s vadges are dirty but most especially those of women of color?

Here’s the “black version”:

And the “Latina version”:

But there was no Asian version. Which left me with all sorts of confused feelings. Like, Hey, are our vadges not dirty, too? Wait, I didn’t just say that. But it feels bad to be left out! No, no, it doesn’t. What I mean is…I just really really want to see what a stereotypical Asian vadge sounds like? Okay?

And then, I got my wish*:

Continue reading The Lost Summer’s Eve “Hail To The V” Asian Vagina Reel

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DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Scotty Lago, Michael Phelps And The Olympic-Sized Case Of Mistasian Identity

March 5th, 2010 | 6 comments | Posted by Jen

Earlier in the week, we told you about how snowboarder Scotty Lago went on Kimmel and, with the help of a friend who’d spoken to fellow Olympian Michael Phelps, identified the woman who blew his bronze and got him bounced from the Games as a reporter who had also tried to “make out” with Phelps.

Good thing our friends are smarter than Scotty and Michael’s friends, because ours quickly pointed us to this post by Canadiasian gossip blogger Elaine “Lainey” Lui, the reporter in question, who runs the site Lainey Gossip. Lainey not only refutes that she’s the same woman who gave Lago the bronzejob, but she also tells her side of the story behind the “alleged” Phelps make-out attempt.

Lainey Lui on the left, The Bronze Blower on the right

She writes in “For Michael Phelps: Distinguishing Asians 101″:

Continue reading DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Scotty Lago, Michael Phelps And The Olympic-Sized Case Of Mistasian Identity

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10 Reasons Not To Get Plastic Surgery To Look Like Jessica Alba (And One Reason To Do It)

February 5th, 2010 | 11 comments | Posted by Diana

A 21 year-old girl in China is getting plastic surgery to look like Jessica Alba.

Now Jess is really, really hot. Damn near perfect, if there is such a thing. Worse, she’s only better in person.


But why would anyone want to look like some actress instead of like themselves?

Why, for love.

You see, Xiaoqing (future patient) was dating some cheesedick for a year and a half that was so obsessed with Alba that it consumed him entirely (read: he is a freakish stalker gnome), and eventually she had to bail. Post facto, instead of thanking bejeezus that she got away from that sick, sad, reality-challenged nerdbomber, Xiaoqing began to regret the split and brainstormed ways to get him back. The result of all that thinking was the choice to alter her appearance and become, as Erasure may have put it, Alba-esque.

Continue reading 10 Reasons Not To Get Plastic Surgery To Look Like Jessica Alba (And One Reason To Do It)

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DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Bo “Katie Couric Looks Oriental” Dietl

November 13th, 2009 | 4 comments | Posted by Jen

On Monday, former NYPD detective, private investigator, and FOX News regular Bo Dietl went on Don Imus’s Imus in the Morning and managed to insult both Katie Couric and Asians in the span of a minute-and-a-half.

Take a look:

SUMMARY OF OFFENSES:

  1. “She’s got her eyes pulled so far, she’s starting to look Chinese herself.”
  2. Look, as much as I’ve wanted Katie Couric to be an honorary member of the tribe since her thorough dismantling of Sarah Palin during the presidential campaign–which Palin’s still crying about–there’s no way that even I could say homegirl passes:

    Continue reading DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Bo “Katie Couric Looks Oriental” Dietl

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Asian Foods Hate Jeremy Piven

November 5th, 2009 | 7 comments | Posted by Jen

First, sushi and Chinese herbs tried to poison Jeremy Piven, forcing the Entourage actor to drop out of David Mamet’s Speed-the-Plow last December.

spl123616_010430

Then, the 44 year-old was photographed in Malibu with full-on man boobage this September, which he recently blamed on a 12 cups-a-day soy milk habit.

Oh, Asian Foods. Why do you hate the Pivert so?

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Thanks, Gary!

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Caption This: Jon Gosselin’s Halloween Costume

November 2nd, 2009 | 8 comments | Posted by Jen

jon gosselin halloween

[via BuzzFeed]

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Leave Him, Nicole! He’s Just A Tool. [Tool Academy Spoiler Alert?]

October 6th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Dear Reality TV Gods,

I don’t ask for much, right? Most of the time I just check in, see how you’re doing, sacrifice a few hooker bitches in the fire pit, and call it a day.

But on this very special day, I’ve got one request. I’d like to pray for the elimination of one dude douche from Tool Academy 2 this week.

Terry “T Shaw,” Super Tool

The thing is, I’ve had my eye on this dork Terry all season, and assumed he’d be gone by now. For starters, he’s not cute enough for his too-nice-and-too-pretty girlfriend, Nicole (pictured, left). He’s not cute at all, IMHO (I suck at Interwebz acronymz and that’s my first time using “IMHO,” by the way–think it workz?), especially when you take his man boobs, white sunglasses, and poseur-popped collar into account. [shudders]

Listen, I know Nicole’s got a role in this too. She started dating this fool, and after lots of bad years is still willing to take it to the Academy to make the relationship work (Maybe she’s a doormat, but hey. she’s a telegenic one with resolve). However, she’s a woman looking at long years of potentially wasteful love–I feel like her judgment is impaired. After all, in just half her stay at the Tool Academy, she’s watched tape of her boyfriend doing bodyshots off of a bunch of dirrrty lady plants…


…witnessed her relationship being referred to as a “speed bump, not a stop sign,” then sat through her dude’s pathetic, foot-in-mouth speech about how she’s “not his type,” but that’s a “good” thing…

…and on and on. Then there was the nonsense of 2 weeks ago, when Terry lost his shit watching Nicole receive a cheesy hand massage from a gentleman recruited for a set-up date. And the madness of last week, when he used both therapy and a “romantic date” to tell Nicole that she was out of line and couldn’t be trusted.

Wait, SHE can’t be trusted?

All of the above is in addition to Terry’s bullying of Nicole through the entirety of a physical, arduous team competition that nearly made her vomit (Who cares about spew when you might win something?).

Gods, I’d honestly hoped that you’d do the right thing in episode 5 and dump Terry for being a little bitch. But you didn’t. You cut the giant tool for thrashing your set in prior episodes (weird).

Frankly, I’m not sure that I trust Nicole to cut him either. She should’ve walked out on Terry by now, in a glamorous exit of flipping the bird and yelling, “Fuck this stupid fake fucking VH1 school and, by the way, fuck fucking you, you fat, ugly, idiotic assfuck!” She should have, and she might. But I’m not convinced she’s there yet.

The thing is, I like Nicole. I feel bad for her, and I think she needs to take a step back and realize she’s way too good for this nonsense. She needs a self-esteem boost, and I feel like I’ve got tons of male buddies that would be willing to “boost” for her (Just call and say the word, lady!).

So this is where you come in, Gods. Let’s trash this fool. Please make him go out with such a bang this week that he weeps in the elimination, weeps on the podium, and weeps as Nicole dumps his stupid ass. May he never hold her hand again, or do body shots anywhere within a 3,000 mile vicinity of her perky little figure. She can do so much better. Can’t we all?

Thanks so much, and I’ll def be sacrificing more hooker bitches tonight!

Bye!

Amen,
Diana

[VH1 - Tool Academy]

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Jon Gosselin Is Killed Off His Own Show

September 29th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

TLC announced Tuesday morning that, as of Nov. 2, Jon Gosselin will be dropped from the reality show Jon & Kate Plus 8.

Can you imagine being KILLED OFF THE SHOW OF YOUR OWN LIFE?! Does that mean Jon Gosselin even exists anymore? While we’re at it, can he be deleted from our collective consciousness, too?

Meanwhile, TLC is currently in talks with Corey Haim, Matt LeBlanc, and Mario Lopez to replace Jon Gosselin in the role of Jon Gosselin, so as not to confuse viewers or the Gosselins’ eight young children.


[People: Jon Gosselin Dropped from Jon & Kate Plus 8]

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Kanye, Real Apologies Aren’t Written In Caps Lock

September 14th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Dear Kanye,

It seems unnecessary at this point to remind you that you are a douche. It also seems pointless to ask if you’ve been taking lessons from that other loudmouth with no fuckin’ shame, Joe Wilson. Frankly, it’s clear that you’re an asshole with a God complex. That’s your “thing.” You behave as though–simply because you are a successful music and pop culture maker–you contribute something truly significant to society, and might actually matter long after we all turn into carbon matter and dust. Oh man, we hope you take disappointment well.

But let’s talk about last night’s assface behavior. What you did to that sweetheart girl, Taylor Swift, during her one joyous moment accepting the MTV Award for “Best Female Video,” was absolutely deplorable.

The look on her face after you scramble off stage is absolutely heartbreaking. You are an asshole, yes. But more importantly, you’re cruel. You are a cruel mother fucker.

But far worse than your awards show behavior, it seems, is your apology.


As you know, we’re real sticklers on apologies. We’re also huge proponents of avoiding Inernet acronyms (and aggressive ellipses, for that matter), as well as unlocking caps when trying to express something–like sorrow or sorry–with some level of sincerity.

A real apology is not rattled off in powder-blue font on your blog. A real apology is not made up of jumbled nonsense. More importantly, when you apologize to Taylor, don’t ramble [again] about how much greater Beyonce’s video was. In fact, leave Beyonce out of this! Stop fucking bringing her into your weird, convoluted world of drama, you dick!

Here’s our suggestion. Write a new apology (and we mean really write it, with a pen, on a card), and mail it (with a stamp) to Taylor.

It should read:

Dear Taylor,

Words cannot describe how ashamed I feel for interrupting you during your acceptance speech last night. I was out of line and I am deeply sorry. I am truly sorry.

I realize that I ruined one of the greatest moments of your life, and left you hurt and uncomfortable. I can never make that up to you, but I will certainly try.

Lastly, I know that I am not God. I have said that you are talented, but you don’t need my blessing to receive the “Best Female Video” award. You completely deserve it.

Please accept my humble apology. I hope we can be friends.

Sincerely,
Kanye West

And this time, when you say you’re sorry, you should mean it.

[kanYe West: Blog apology to Taylor Swift]
[MTV: Taylor Swift Wins Best Female Video [VIDEO]]

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DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Joe Wilson

September 11th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Joe Wilson has already apologized to President Obama for breaking decorum and shouting “You Lie!” at Obama during his Wednesday night speech to Congress on the subject of Healthcare Reform.

From HuffPo:

“Not long after the speech ended, Wilson issued an apology. ‘This evening I let my emotions get the best of me when listening to the President’s remarks regarding the coverage of illegal immigrants in the health care bill,’ he said. While I disagree with the President’s statement, my comments were inappropriate and regrettable. I extend sincere apologies to the President for this lack of civility.’ Wilson also called the White House to apologize.”

He may have said the words, but it sure is hard to believe that Wilson is actually, truly, really, really sorry for the inappropriate outburst, an action that has been condemned from both sides of the aisle as shameful, disrespectful and embarassing.

So what was the tipping point leading to Wilson’s swift “sorry?” Did he refer immediately to his Blackberry and realize that #JoeWilsonIsADouche had instantly become a trending topic on Twitter? Did his wife text him: “WTF, U IDIOT!?” Did he realize that he was single-handedly about to crash his own government site with an ugly media frenzy?


Something tells us it was actually much simpler, a gut reaction to the most powerful and classic of sorrymaking machines: the cold, hard faces of two Hardass Asian Parents (as played, in this instance, by Joe Biden and Nancy Pelosi).

Peep Mom and Dad the moment they hear Wilson’s outburst from the floor. Pelosi’s jaw hits the floor and her eyes become nuclear daggers. Biden drops his head and shakes it with disgust and shame, the kind of shake a dad can only achieve when he wishes you didn’t exist. EVER.

I’ve seen my parents do this A THOUSAND TIMES. It never fails.

The one thing I’ve learned–A Hardass Asian Parent can’t kill you with their eyes, but they’ll sure as hell try. And instead, they’ll just make you really fucking sorry.

[HuffPo: Joe Wilson Apologizes For Shouting "You Lie!" At Obama]

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Please, God, Let This Be Jon Gosselin’s 15th Minute

August 31st, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana


“Fuck you, TLC! Why don’t you take your fuckin’ morals and fuckin’ shove ‘em? Do you see me? Hostin’ a pool party in Vegas. I’m gonna be a fashion designer, dudes, so I ain’t gonna need your dumb baby-parenting show anymore. I have officially arrived.

My god, I am livin’ the life… livin’ the G.D. life, aight? Fame and uh, fortune. Bitches, bikinis and booze, yo. Look how large I’m rollin’.

Ahem. You may try to squash my Ed Hardy promo tour, but I will make you regret the day you ever put me on camera, touting me as a good parent. Ya hear that? YOU WILL REGRET IT. I AM NOT A GOOD PARENT. SO THERE.

[NY Mag: Christian Audigier and Jon Gosselin Want to Design a Kids’ Line Together]
[Access Hollywood: Jon Gosselin Hosts Vegas Pool Party, Kate Throws Bash Of Her Own]

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