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‘The Last Airbender’ May Be The Worst Movie Of All Time Which Means There May Be Such A Thing As Karma

July 2nd, 2010 | 17 comments | Posted by Jen

Did I invoke “karma” in the title of this post because M. Night Shyamalan, director of The Last Airbender, is Indian? Sure. But given how, in the 24 hours since the movie’s opened, it’s already being heralded as quite possibly The Worst Movie Ever, he may not be for long, as soon people will be forming long lines not to see his latest cinematic debacle but, instead, to take away his Indian card, his Asian card, his DGA card, his WGA card, his AmEx card, and– why stop there?–even his SUBWAY® card, if he’s into that sort of thing, and something tells me that if white bread’s involved, he is.

Having already pissed off his brethren by casting white actors in the movie’s lead Asian roles, not getting why that was such a big deal, and hiding behind terms like “culturally diverse” and “multicultural” without understanding how his casting decisions actually ran contrary to those principles, Shyamalan’s now managed to get himself disowned by pretty much the rest of universe. Here are a few excerpts from the public drubbing The Last Airbender‘s received so far:

“The dearth of racially appropriate casting in the U.S. simply means that fewer Asians were humiliated by appearing in what is surely the worst botch of a fantasy epic since Ralph Bakshi’s animated desecration of The Lord of the Rings back in 1978. The actors who didn’t get to be in The Last Airbender are like the passengers who arrived too late to catch the final flight of the Hindenburg.”–Richard Corliss, TIME, ‘The Last Airbender: Worst Movie Epic Ever?’

“…the best way to watch ‘The Last Airbender’ is probably with Continue reading ‘The Last Airbender’ May Be The Worst Movie Of All Time Which Means There May Be Such A Thing As Karma

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Scotty Lago Wins Big In Vancooter

February 19th, 2010 | 4 comments | Posted by Diana

GIRRRRRRL!





Something tells me your parents are not gonna be swayed by the whole “But it was a BRONZE MEDAL!!!” thing.

You might get disowned and be forced to move far away. In the event that you need a place to stay, please do not hesitate to email us.

[Zimbio: Scotty Lago Pics Send Him Home]
[TMZ: Olympian Scotty Lago -- To The Victor Goes...]

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Thanks, Jasmine!

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Shame Ol’, Shame Ol’

August 6th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Sometime shame is a shitpile: Like when you become suicidal after getting rejected from your top-choice school. Or when you stop seeing friends entirely because your suffering screenwriter budget won’t allow you to fine dine. Or when your cheerleading coach logs into your Facebook account and airs your dirty laundry with the students and staff, exposing you to years of ridicule. Or when your baby papa leaves you when you’re seven months pregnant for a younger, longer-necked actress. Or when your mother disowns you because you’ve dishonored the family by moving in with a boyfriend/marrying outside of your race/having a baby out of wedlock.

But man, sometimes shame is absolutely good and necessary. It’s the stuff that, properly applied, keeps people from gallivanting with party gals in the south of France while their eight toddlers sit at home. Or from jerking their man’s junk on a hotel balcony for the delight of the paparazzi. Or self-destructing entirely at clubs, parties and Robertson Boulevard as if doing performance art for the blogosphere.

Everyone once in awhile, though, shame is simply complicated.

Recently, a married man in Wisconson with a handful of girlfriends found himself at the center of an ugly coup, hosted by all of his disgruntled lovers.

From HuffPo:

WAUSAU, Wis. — A married man who planned to rendezvous with one of his handful of lovers at an eastern Wisconsin motel instead found himself bound, blindfolded and assaulted by a group of women out for revenge, according to court documents.

Four women, including his wife, eventually showed up to humiliate the man, who ended up with his penis glued to his stomach in a bizarre plot to punish him for a lover’s quadrangle gone bad, according to the documents filed in Calumet County.

The women involved now face time in the clink for their shameful acts. But let’s talk about everyone involved, and who’s to shame here, for a second:

There’s the dude, who carelessly juggled the women in his life (including the one he exchanged holy vows with) as if they were oranges and not people, which is bullshit. And he ended up catching a beatdown for it, with his wiener glued his gut. Should be ashamed? Definitely. Was the attack on him unacceptable? Yes. But isn’t it kinda hilarious? Sorry, but kinda. I mean hell, it’s not like they cut the fucking thing off…

Then there’s the wife, the true cuckold of the story. No, it wasn’t a good idea for her to get involved in this sick scenario, but her husband was piling at least three other chicks, for crying out loud. It’s humiliating and scarring. She’s not excused, but she certainly had a leg to stand on. Also, I’ve got to give her mad props for getting in cahoots with the ladies to challenge the true adulterer, instead of lashing out at them (they, after all, never put a ring on her finger).

Lastly are the girlfriends, who found themselves subjugated to not only being “the other woman,” but “one of the other women.” What a demotion! The interesting thing about these ladies is the variety of their shame, which I feel might only really be present because they all got caught.

One certainly has her tail between her legs, if only to soften the blow of her reprimand:

“I am disturbed. I am upset. I am having a hard time handling life; an emotional wreck,” Wendy Sewell, 43, of Kaukauna, said in a telephone interview from her home. “I am ashamed.”

But sometimes photos tell a different story. Sewell’s counterpart, “an-other woman” Michelle Belliveau, seems to say it all in her mug shot:

“Yeah, I Krazy Glued his dick. And I’d do it again to the little fucker!!!”

…proving that sometimes, shame (or lack thereof) is actually a little bit funny.

[via HuffPo]

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Thanks, Eliza!

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DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Teacher Guo

January 16th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Y’all know how much we like to joke about how hardass our people are, and how we were disciplined as children. Yeah, we were spanked with hairbrushes, flyswatters, and belts, and sometimes we got slapped in the face (Diana’s sister did for receiving a love note from a classmate…in the 2nd grade). Our moms read our diaries and punished us for our private thoughts. We were told we were failures for bringing home B’s and low test scores, and our parents rarely approved of our friends, who they tended to think were dumb, ill-mannered, disrespectful, and bad influences. Minor infractions like wearing a too-short skirt or missing curfew were judged as major flaws in our character. And the threat of disownment hung over us constantly, like a thick, sullen storm cloud.

The older we get, however, the more we get it. Our Hardass Asian Parents grew up in worlds devastated by war, poverty, deprivation, displacement, and loss. They wanted us to succeed because they didn’t ever want us to “go back to where we came from.” There was a method to their hardass-ness, even though that method was sometimes wack and didn’t easily jibe with our growing up in America. It wasn’t, to paraphrase Phil Collins, a groovy kinda parental love. But it was a kind of love.

When we read this week about a teacher in China who ripped her 5th grade student’s cheek off for not doing his homework, our Hardass Asian Alarm Bells went off. After 10 year-old Chao Qun Zheng told his teacher, Ms. Guo, that he hadn’t completed his homework, she grabbed him by the face, lifted him off the ground, and didn’t let go until she tore his cheek off. It was reported that Ms. Guo then “picked up Zheng’s cheek skin, put it on his face, and instructed the boy go home immediately.”


It took 52 stitches to put the boy’s cheek back on.

While it would be easy to chalk this up to Hardass Asian Whathaveyou (one commenter on the story wrote, “I’ve been abused worse than that by my own mother. Asians are hardcore when it comes to schoolwork. This boy just had weak cheeks”), and DISGRASIAN’s not exactly about cutting people slack–especially when it comes to not doing your homework–we also know that there’s a real difference between being a hardass and being a violent, twisted, abusive sick fuck.

And this isn’t hardass, funny, or some sort of intergenerational conflict-anecdote to grow on. This is just wrong.

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Thanks, Irwin and Cathy!

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Sarah Palin: Below-Average American

October 9th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

An as-yet-to-be-authenticated, high school transcript of Sarah Palin’s was posted on Gawker today, and it’s a doozy. The report shows Palin’s GPA for that grading period as a 2.2, her lowest score being a D in Foreign Language class (which seems a bit too on-the-nose). It also says that she earned 3 C’s and 2 B’s.

The real shocker is her SAT score, also listed in the report. Apparently, SARAH PALIN SCORED AN 841. OUT OF 1600 (the maximum of the old point-system). It goes without saying that if I had brought home that SAT score when I was a senior in high school, I would have been disowned. My mom would’ve painstakingly cut me out of each and every photo with her sewing scissors the way she did friends she was no longer speaking to. I would have become that circular void in photo albums, a hole in the Olan Mills family portrait, excised like cancer.

But, hey, that’s just me, your average arugula-munching, Ivy League-attending, elitist American asshole, talkin’. And, I mean, compared to people who didn’t have Hardass Asian Parents Psychotically Obsessed with Education, maybe Sarah Palin’s sucky SAT score is A-OK. She is, after all, just an average American. She shouldn’t be expected to have scored a 1590, like Bill Gates did. Or a 1355, like Al Gore, someone who actually held the position Palin is vying for. Or a 1206, like…President George W. Bush. Or even, say, a 1080, like Kobe Bryant. Am I right? (Click here to see other famous people’s SAT scores. James Woods is an SAT genius, btw.)

Maybe it’s even unreasonable to expect Sarah Palin’s SAT score to be better than the national average–997 combined–in 1982, the time this alleged transcript was issued. In which case, cool. I can accept that. Because Jesus loves the little children, all the children of the world, red and yellow, black and white, smart and dumb, et al., and I love Jesus. But if this below-average report card turns out to be real, is it too much to ask that Palin stop lying about being so “average“?

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SPORTS ILLUSTRASIAN: China’s 200,000 New Cheerleaders

August 4th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Just when you were beginning to believe that our trade relations with China were totally one-sided–with America buying up all the crap that’s made in China and never vice-versa–here’s an example of China importing our doo:

Yeah, that’s right. CHINESE CHEERLEADERS. Since June, 200,000 Chinese volunteers have been training to be cheerleaders in preparation for the Olympic games. The New England Patriot Cheerleaders were even brought in to assist–why the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders were bypassed, I don’t know–and probably had something to do with producing the ELITE SQUAD you just witnessed in the video (no, I’m not kidding).

Which reminds me. When I was growing up, my Dad used to threatened to disown me if I so much as thought about becoming a cheerleader, and I used to think he was such a fucking Hardass Asian Buzzkill for that, but now I GET IT. I totally get it.

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Scientific Experimentasian

February 13th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen


After Barron Hilton, the third of four children in Rick and Kathy’s party brood, was busted for DUI in the ‘Bu yesterday, I got to wondering…would things have turned out differently if the 18 year-old had had a Hardass Asian Parent or two?

Below, please find…a scientific experiment:

HYPOTHESIS

Barron Hilton would not be a fuckup had he been raised by a Hardass Asian Parent.

EXPERIMENT

1) HARDASS ASIAN PARENT: Why can’t you be more like your sisters?


BARRON HILTON: Uh, no probs.


2) HARDASS ASIAN PARENT: I take it back. Your sisters are dead to me. You’re now my only hope.

BARRON HILTON: Dude, what’s with the pressure? You’re giving me a fuckin’ anxiety attack. I gotta go smoke a bowl, man. Late.


3) HARDASS ASIAN PARENT: When you first told me that you received a DUI, I thought it was a school award or a scholarship. Now that I know the truth, I am severely disappointed. Drinking and driving? Where did you learn such degrading behavior? We don’t even drink. My heart is breaking into a thousand pieces. Do you want to give me heart attack? You’ll regret what you’ve done when I’m dead. Speaking of which, you are dead to me. I have no choice but to disown you.


BARRON HILTON: Whoa, whoa, so many words. I still get my inheritance, right?

CONCLUSION

Even if Barron Hilton had been raised by Hardass Asian Parents, he would still be a fuckup.


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People Who Live in Glass White Houses Shouldn’t Throw Stones

March 8th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen


“China accused the United States of hypocrisy on Thursday in its annual response to Washington’s criticism of Beijing’s human rights record, saying it had no right to blacken the name of other countries.”

Although my mother and father, brother and grandmother, and all the ancestors before me would disown me for saying this, I must admit that, for once, the Chinese government may have a point.

Click here for full article.

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