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BABEWATCH: Hayao Miyazaki

August 11th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Name: Hayao Miyazaki

Hails from: Tokyo, Japan

Occupation: Filmmaker

Why He’s a Babe: For one thing, Miyazaki’s something of a recluse, and recluses are intriguing. Yet he still managed to brave Comic-Con this year, where he was the picture of a distinguished older gentleman, in his glasses, neatly-clipped white beard, and well-fitted suit. Oh, did we mention he’s a genius? Who’s made fantastical, wondrous animated movies like Princess Mononoke and Spirited Away, which are something like mushroom trips on celluloid?

Ponyo, Miyazaki’s latest work, opens this Friday, August 14:

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Why Did I Just Spend Two Hours Examining Nude Photos of Vanessa Hudgens?

August 6th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Back in late 2007, there was a lot of speculation about when the first set of leaked nude photos of tween icon Vanessa Hudgens were actually shot. Frankly, I believed her story: they were 3-year old snaps from roughly 2003, taken and once sent to her high school boyfriend (shockingly, if you did the math, this made her out to be about 14 or 15 in the shots). The ex was a bit of a bastard, and eventually got his jollies by disseminating the sexy pictures across the interwebz. Because she was so young, I felt reallyreallyreally almost-pedophil-icky just glancing at the images (the link above is to censored versions)–after all, Hudgens was essentially a child in them. A nude child, a famous nude child lacking judgment, and indeed a ripening sexual being, but a child nonetheless.

So I basically gave her a pass. No, it wasn’t a good idea to take those pictures of herself, but for chrissake, don’t we all do a bunch of stupid things when we’re kids? How smart can you actually be at 14 when half your brain is jelly and the other hormones? There’s no such thing as foresight at that time. Instead, I felt the blame was on us, grown-up people with nothing better to do than avoid our jobs by scouring gossip blogs and leer over dirty pictures of Disney stars. Pathetic. Icky. Shameful.

But it looks like Ms. Hudgens now faces another photo scandal, this time with nude and semi-nude photos recently hacked from her Blackberry. Lots of ‘em.

Tsk, Tsk

Does she get another pass? Perhaps not this time.

People in Hudgens’s camp apparently claim that these photos are as old or even older than the originals, but I’m not so sure. As you can probably see, her body shape has toned and matured significantly. The cheeks once adorably swollen with baby fat–quite evident in the original photos, seem oh-so-sinewy and adult in the latest. The glossy blowouts of her glamorous locks are consistent with her look of the last couple of years. And the black RAZR phone that she captures in this number:

Like, forever ago

…wasn’t released to special folks, like Hollywood stars, until mid-to-late 2005, and really saw its heyday from 2006 to 2007.

Then there’s that belly-button ring, which she apparently got in 2007, prominent in so many of the pictures. Hunh.

I’m not saying that these photos are from last week. But I am saying that I’m not buying this jazz about how Hudgens made one mistake six years ago, and it was one she never repeated.

Why does this bother me so much? Maybe because I’m convinced these pictures really have been living on Hudgen’s SIM card for a while. And for the life of me, I cannot understand why.

I absolutely, positively need to know why the MySpace generation, even its celebrity icons, are so desperate to document their goody-goods in easily sharable formats.

It’s not like these people don’t understand that we live in the shadow of Big Brother. He will find you, with his lipstick security camera or Flip cam or cameraphone, pissing yourself at a party or screwing somebody else’s boyfriend, whether you’re famous or not. Yes, once upon a time, a picture was just a picture–and if you destroyed the print, the film, and any potential Xeroxes you were in pretty good shape. Today, if you so much as think about attending a party, there’s already a photo of you there tagged on Facebook; its file remnants, regardless of what you do, forever living somewhere entangled within their intellectual property policy.

We as a people are becoming too well-documented. Pictures are too easy to take. I have about 60 photos in an album from my entire childhood; I’ve got 40 new pictures on my Blackberry of myself next to a super weird dog I met at a coffee shop last week. Put to record far more often, young celebrities are immortalized in thousands of photographs every day–they even enjoy the benefits of Photoshop–why in fuck’s sake would they need more? And why do they always take pics that are reminiscent of amateur video porn?

It disappoints me. And it frightens the hell out of me (Note to my womb: no future baby ever to be built in there will be given a cameraphone for Christmas). It’s yet another reminder that the up-and-coming stars of today aren’t like those in Hollywood’s golden years–those people with so much talent and presence and spark and “a certain something” that they simply needed to be harnessed and put on film–they’re just a bunch of kids that need attention, just like everybody else.

In the end, I still feel pretty icky about looking at the racy Hudgens photos. But perhaps now for a different reason.

[via Popcrunch]
[E! Online: Hudgens - The Real Story on Latest Nude Pics]
[OK!: Source Confirms Vanessa Hudgens Nude Pics are Real, and Real Old]

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Premature Autobiographicasian

March 6th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Oh, joyous of days!

It looks like DISGRASIAN Hall-of-Shamer Miley Cyrus, 16, has finally completed her rather premature autobiography, Miles to Go, a tell-all for Disney Books.

Guess her thrilling story is finished! Hopefully she’ll expire now.

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Thanks, Jasmine!

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Appy-polly-loggies, Miley.

February 10th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana


Dear Miley,

We’ve been wrong all along. It has quickly become clear that we at DISGRASIAN are the ones that owe you an apology (or a number of them) regarding the “photo of you and your friends,” rather than the other way around. Whoopsie!

Let’s begin: We’re awfully sorry if we called bullshit on the first apology you circulated, addressing the chink-eye photos that have been swirling around the Internet for over a week. We’re sorry if, as evidenced by your second apology, you can’t fucking read.

Like you, we’re sorry “if” we were offended by the photos, if we happen to find mockery of our slitty eyes and chinky buck teef, like, insulting. We’re sorry if we didn’t understand at first that GOD’s plan is for you to be an insensitive, ignorant, good-for-nothing, alienating ingrate. We’re sorry if your face is really naturally goofy (like ours!). We’re sorry if we’re convinced that you are slightly inbred. We’re sorry if it took you half a millisecond to grow “embarassed” and apologize to your fans for the “racy” (eh–we’re not convinced) Annie Leibovitz photos in June 2008′s Vanity Fair, yet you and your bullshit PR team can’t deign to officially deal with these “racist” photos in any kind of decent way. We’re sorry if we believe that Disney is evil, and y’all are proof positive of that.

Moreover, we’re sorry if wrath rains down upon your prett–er, your little head. We’re sorry if one day you happen to find yourself lost in the dark, pummeled by hail, caught up in a horde of locusts, covered in blood and boils, or attacked by frogs and flies. We’re sorry if you end up like Britney–bald, bloated, and crazy. We’re sorry if you find out soon that your model boyfriend doesn’t like girls in “that way.” We’re sorry if your dad has chin pubes. We’re sorry if we still have no idea what you’re famous for.

We’re so sorry, Miley. Anyway, we’ve gotta get back to our busy lives of stuff and stuff! Yayy! =] Here’s a goofy face for the road!!!

“So solly, Mirey.”

Blessings… xoxo
DISGRASIAN


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Thanks, Thuy, jRu, and Jen!

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Face It, Miley

February 2nd, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

I shouldn’t be expected to understand the Miley Cyrus thing: I don’t think I pay for the Disney channel, I’m not eleven years old, and I certainly don’t find Billy Ray’s chin-pube influence to be at all acceptable. All signs point to “no” with the little butterface. Can she sing? Sorta. Can she dance? Kinda. Is she gentle on the eyes? Hardly. So there you go. I DON’T GET HER.

It’s not that I’m totally out of touch with tween culture or Disney’s brilliant machine, guys. The wild success of the Jonas Brothers totally makes sense to me. Sure, they make terrible music. Yes, their pants are too tight and I’m not at all comfortable with their penchant for ill-fitting vests and high boots. And okay, if they never perform at another football halftime show, it’ll be too soon. But these boys, with their pretty little koala faces, are so damn sugary and cute that they’re impossible for the little ladies to resist. That I can accept. A girl’s gotta have somebody to doodle about in her easy-lock diary, for crying out loud. Give ‘em three cute brothers.

But this Miley girl–whose given name isn’t even Miley (“Miley” was apparently short for, er, “Smiley”–a nickname adopted by her parents)–this girl is not cute. As far as I can tell on the Interwebz, she’s basically just average in every single possible way. Let’s be honest, homegirl has a face that only a chin-pubey, too-close dad can be expected to love (by the by, few others seems willing to say such things because she’s just a young thing, and it’s wrong to judge the little ones harshly… but I’m an asshole, and after I see enough Internet photos of a chick in her underwear I no longer regard her as “little,” and overall I just don’t care).

But while we’re on the subject of faces, y’know, it occurs to me that I’ve always meant to give the little lass some advice on the face she seems to make most repeatedly in photographs (usually self-snapped). It’s an awkward, puckery, duck face. An unflattering pout, if you will.

My advice would be: Always make a nice face in photos. If you were a person with a cute face, it would be all about angles. If your head was cute but a little round, you’d be wary not to let your full moon take over a picture. But if you’re like, really grim, as in your case, and have got a truly tragic mug, always, ALWAYS opt for pretty expressions. Don’t dick around with icky faces–you can’t pull it off. And when assessing your look, always trust a picture. Never trust your ego. Your ego will likely tell you: You’re famous! That means you’re gorgeous! But your ego will be wrong.

Work with your strengths

But, my dear, if you’re going to make another face, don’t let it be this one:

“That guy said it was okay!”

‘Cuz then you’ll have but a moment to get out of my face, before Jen and I decide that we’re ready to bust up your face. And it will be the most unfortunate situasian you’ve ever had to face.

And two bitches you don’t ever want to face, face-to-face… are us.

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Thanks, jRu, Ashley, Jasmine, Bao-Viet, Tammy, Elisa, and Eukadanz!

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M&M Cru v. ACDC Dance Battle: As Jesus Said on the Cross, "It is Finished"

August 6th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

The epic online dance battle between Miley Cyrus (M&M Cru) and ACDC went live Monday night–well, not exactly, since it was recorded on Sunday–at the Teen Choice Awards, which Miley also hosted. ACDC, led by Step Up 2: The Streets director Jon Chu and one of the movie’s stars, Adam Sevani, brought in the JabbaWockeeZ to close out their performance, while Miley inexplicably featured LL Cool J. Is this one of those things where LL is so uncool, he’s cool again? And, for that matter, was LL–superhuman abs notwithstanding–ever cool?

Fuckin’ tweens. Why’d you hafta go and make things so com-pli-ca-ted?

The M&M Cru was declared the winner by cougar-licious Fergie, which was kinda bullshit (notice how few shots there were of Miley actually dancing), but, then again, it’s really a win-win situation for everybody involved. Disney owns Hannah Montana and Miley Cyrus’s ass. Disney also owns Touchstone, which put out Step Up 2: The Streets. To paraphrase The A-Team‘s Hannibal: I love it when a corporate plan to take over the internet in a fake viral campaign comes together.

That said, I saw Step Up 2: The Streets Monday night (it came out on DVD last month) and thought it was a pretty good dance movie. And I totally want to put one of those floor trampolines from that club scene with Channing Tatum in my living room. In fact, I wouldn’t mind putting Channing Tatum in my living room, knowwhatimean?

But I was surprised and disappointed by the Japanese foreign exchange student character, Kido (played by Mari Koda). Mostly because I can’t really comprehend why an Asian-American director would resurrect that archetype yet again–you know, the key-razy foreigner who speakee da Engrish and dong undastan the wor combin ow you mouse. Yeah, Mari is Japanese and speaks with an accent. But so much was made of her foreignness and inability to understand her friends that it took away from her brilliant dancing. And the world presented in Step Up 2 is a perfect example of what people mean when they say “post-racial.” It shows people of different cultures and races mixing without complication except in the case of Kido. That seems to me like having it both ways. And it’s not exactly what I’d call “stepping up,” Jon Chu.

I will say that the movie is decidedly Asian. Not because it features a couple Asian characters, but because it’s about a dance battle called “The Streets” and the lead character, Andie, is a street dancer. Ultimately, though, it’s not the street crew who wins, it’s the performing arts SCHOOL KIDS. So basically the message is that you can stay in school and be cool. Wait–did my parents make this movie??

Here’s the last, wet scene of Step Up 2 where the school kids triumph. Mari is in the black hat and her body’s like rubber:

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The Not-So-Suite Life

July 30th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana


Brenda Song, the 20-year old star of Disney’s The Suite Life of Zack & Cody, is currently trying to sue an L.A. woman for $100k in damages, for allegedly using her head shot in an escort service classified ad (see above).

The accused, Vanessa Sena, apparently pulled Song’s photo from the web and ran the ad with a fake name, “Layla,” along with the tagline: “Hawaiin [sic] beauty. Come get lei’d.”

I have just one thing to say to Sena. Brenda is not HAWAIIN! SHE IS MOST CERTAINLY NOT HAWAIIN! She is Chinese/Thai, as a matter of fact–not HAWAIIN. Do we all look alike to you???

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Miley Cyrajuku in Malibubu

July 11th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Hmm…perhaps Miley Cyrus really is a Harajuku Lover. Compare the photo of Miley taken yesterday on the Malibu set of her Hannah Montana movie with the photo of one of the Harajuku Girls winding it up at the 2006 American Music Awards:


Spuky!

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High School Musical Goes InternAsianal

August 24th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Jen and I (like tens of millions of tweens worldwide) were huge fans of Disney’s first High School Musical. Hell, we’re suckers for cheesy storylines and teen romance and musical numbers–plus we’re both convinced that with it’s cheery messaging about individuality (“It’s okay for guys be finely groomed and love to dance!” and “It’s okay to love to cook!” and “It’s ok to play tennis and the cello!”)– it operates as a de facto plea for kids to embrace their inner gay. And as you probably know, we would be a billion times happier if everyone in the world was gay, so it goes without saying that we’re big cheerleaders of the sing-songy TV flick.

All of the Musical kids are currently riding the buzz wave of the aptly-titled High School Musical 2, and while every person I know is creepily slobbering over the abs of 18-year old Zac Efron (daintily singing below)…

…I am for more interested in the greater impact of the movie’s tunes. In fact, the song above was actually dubbed in Mandarin for the Chinese version, and a new music video generated to go with:

Looks like the messaging is still right-on! I love it! I love it!

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DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK!

May 18th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Diana and I discussed this one a fair amount today, because we thought that GQ’s Jim Nelson had really earned it, even though we disgraced his cheesedick-ass yesterday, but then we decided that, one day, we would run into the guy somewhere, kick the shit out of him, and that would be that.

Now on to the DISGRASIAN DU SEMAINE. It’s a two-parter.

This week, Disney announced that it will be releasing its first Chinese-language, animated movie this summer.

“We respect and appreciate the deep-rooted rich Chinese local culture,” Stanley Cheung, managing director of Disney China, said in a statement.

We concur! Chinese culture is rich! We invented the compass. We invented gunpowder. We invented spaghetti. Wow. It feels so weird to be on the same page as Disney.

But wait. There’s more:

The movie, based on a novel written by the late Chinese children’s writer Zhang Tianyi, is about a boy who discovers a gourd a squash-like vegetable often used in Asian dishes that grants him wishes.

Granted, this magic gourd is pretty damn cute.


But it’s a VEGETABLE. A GODDAMN VEGETABLE.

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It’s a Ka-Ching-Chong World After All

April 11th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Great. This is just what China needs.

“Disney hopes for China theme park, but Shanghai is not only candidate”


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(special thanks to Aaron for the pic!)

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