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Guys, I think I just read the most humiliating sublebrity story I’ve ever read. Like, ever.
It involves a certain celebrity mom (ahem, see right) abusing her two cash cows’ daughters’ Carvel Black Cards to the point of a major incident (I’m talking, like, cops). The tore-up, deluded famewhore mother leaked her version of the story to the tabloids and played the victim–in response, Carvel cleared their name by publicly naming and shaming the whole family in an official press release.
NOT LYING: I AM LITERALLY JITTERING WITH TINGLES OF MORTIFICASIAN FOR EVERYONE INVOLVED.
Read what I wrote again, please. I’m not talking about the AMEX Black Card, I’m talking about a freebie card distributed by CARVEL–the ice cream company–to famous (Ali Lohan is famous? Eh, who am I to judge) folks, to entice those celebrities to come in person (as stated in the card’s fine print) to Carvel stores for a maximum of $25 free purchases per week, for 75 years. Pretty sweet deal for a bunch of people who’ll likely be in rehab or formerly famous in ten years!
I am so mortified by this press release that I have no choice to post it here for you in full, straight from the Carvel blog. Here goes:
Posted on June 17, 2010 by carvelicecream
ATLANTA, GA (June 17, 2010) – As part of Carvel’s 75th Anniversary celebration Continue reading The Lohan Family: Carvel-ing Out A Niche In Low-Rent History
Filed under: Ali Lohan, Annoying Things Celebrities Do, Black Card Abuse, Carvel Black Card, Carvel Black Cards Are Amazing, Carvel FTW, Carvel Ice Cream, Celebrity Mom, Dina Lohan, Dina Lohan Makes Us Hurl, Discounts, Embarrassing, Freebie, Lindsay Lohan, Low-rentitude, Pathetic, Playing The Victim, Public Humiliation, Public Shaming, Shameful Behavior, Sublebrities, The Lohan Family, The Lohans, Time To Call It
Ages: 28 and 23
Occupations: Forever 21′s marketing and visuals department heads, respectively
Linda and Esther Chang are the daughters of Don and Jin Sook Chang, the Korean American founders of one of our favorite places on Earth, Forever 21. (Where else can you get a cute, fashion-forward $12 dress, we ask you? A $12 dress!) Like the company’s wares, the Chang sisters are young, fresh, and adorbs. They were recently profiled by the LA Times’ Booth Moore, where we learned the following:
- They’re best friends.
- They’re both Ivy League-educated.
- They work for the family business, which opened its first store in 1984 and, by the end of that year, had grown its sales from $35,000 to $700,000.
- They go to church with their parents on Sunday.
We tend to hate on people like this–i.e. people who please their Hardass Asian Parents all the time rather than disappoint–but with the Chang sisters, we just can’t. Their devotion to their family and the family business is just so earnest (older sis Linda says things like, “I love it when people come out of our stores being so happy”). And the girls themselves are just too cute.
Then, of course, it all goes back to the fact that the Chang sisters represent the $12 dress. The $12 dress!
Filed under: Adorbs, Asians Love Discounts, Cheap Fun, Clothes that Look Great on Diana and Jen, Cute Things, Discount Fashion, Discounts, Disposable Fashion, Don Chang, Esther Chang, Fast Fashion, Forever 21, Immigrants, Jin Sook Chang, Korean-Americans, Linda and Esther Chang, Linda Chang, Pretty Dresses
Congratulasians, Well Hung Huynh for winning Top Chef! Not only did your “Michelin 3-star,” Fusasian (Asian fusion) cuisine make the other two finalists look like hacks, you taught us all a very important lesson.
You don’t have to be a professional athlete, a great martial artist, a Nobel Laureate, a spelling bee champ, a rocket scientist, a runway model, or a rapper to be a fuckin’ BALLER. Even if you are a tiny loudmouth braggart who probably got your ass beat everyday in school, who cooks for a living and wears distressed girl jeans, not to mention FOB-y jade necklaces given to you by your grandma, as long as you got game and you bring it, you’re a hero.
We love you, Well Hung. Open your Michelin 3-star, blow us away with a 16-course tasting menu, and, because we’re Asian and we love to haggle, please please consider giving us a friends and family discount, because I’m pretty sure Diana and I can’t afford your genius.
Click here for the recipe to Hung’s winning Duck dish. It only requires a sous vide machine, foie gras, and some killer truffles. Good fuckin’ luck.