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We never tire of the Hardass Asian mama-isms collected on our favorite user-generated blog, My Mom Is A Fob. But a visit to the site sometimes leaves us wanting for more, especially for nods to our beloved papas*. Enter the best thing that ever happened to our Tuesday, High Expectations Asian Father. Their brilliant logline: “The meme dedicated to the bitchiest parents in the world. Too bad we love them.” It’s like I Can Haz Cheezburger, but from the voice of your beady-eyed, higher-educated, dissatisfied chromosome donor.
How does he respond to affection? Should be no surprise.
Is he proud of your success? Damn straight.
Continue reading So Your Mom Is A Fob. What’s Your Dad’s Story?
Filed under: Asian Parents Are Flawed Yet Lovable, Badass Asian Parents, Bitchy Parents, Disappointing Your Parents, Hardass Asian Dads, Hardass Asian Parents, High Expectations Asian Fathers, Hilarity, I Can Haz Cheezburger, My Mom Is a Fob, Parents, Tumblr, We Love Our Fathers
Do you remember 21-year-old Wang Jing, a Chinese sprinter from last summer’s Beijing Olympics?
If not, it’s because she didn’t qualify for a second round heat in either of her races during those games, the 100m and 4x100m. You probably missed her.
Last week, however she celebrated gold in the 100m at the 11th Chinese National Games. And silver in the 200m! Dayum!
Today, it was annouced that Wang failed a drug test and was stripped of her gold medal. Worse, the Chinese Athletics Administration Center (CAAC)–China’s governing body for track and field–has BANNED WANG AND HER COACH FOR LIFE from competition.
What a shitty Monday, huh? First, FAILING. Then, banned for LIFE. Wang is never getting hugged by her parents again.
What’s up, girl? We just read that you turned yourself in to the police last month, and just got arrested, in association with the February burglaries of celebutards Audrina Patridge and Lindsay Lohan–aka the Hollywood Hills “Burglar Bunch” string of celebrity heists.
So okay, there are just a couple of teensy things that your big sistaz here at DISGRASIAN have to say (if we may):
First of all, we can’t condone crime, baby. That shit is not good for our collective AZN rep. Stealing is especially frowned upon (unless it’s of the spotlight, the glory, or some dirty bitch’s boyfriend) because it reads as really desperate, sad behavior. Our peeps—we aren’t desperate! We shouldn’t steal stuff cuz we should have stuff. We don’t need stuff, we’ve got good stuff. And if we want more stuff, we just do reallyreallyreally well at something and get a bunch of money and then buy that stuff. Know what we mean?
Secondly, bravo on turning yourself in. That shows a bit of penance, or at least the smarts to build leverage before you and your buddies get threatened with prison time and beaten and forced to narc like crazy on each other until y’all are facing life without the possibility of parole or something. Did your parents make you hand yourself over to the fuzz? Wait–do your parents EVEN KNOW YOU [ALLEGEDLY] ROBBED A COUPLE OF CELEBRITIES YET?!? Or do they think you’re off at college or something and just not returning phone calls about your grades? If not, whoa, sister. We don’t know you, but our spare room is open if you get released and need to hide/crash somewhere for the rest of your life. Shit.
Third and finally, did you manage to steal anything good? From Lohan’s house, we mean (we’ve got no interest in Patridge’s extensive collection of skanky mini-dresses). There’s gotta be some crazy shit up in that hellhole! Anyway, let us know… we’re, um, just curious!
Keep ya head up, girl.
Filed under: Audrina Patridge, Bad Behavior, Burglary, Celebutards, Criminals, Disappointing Your Parents, Lindsay Lohan, Penance, Rachel Lee, Ruh-Roh, Skanks, Stealing, The Fuzz, Theft, Turning Yourself In
Jason Wu was accidentally outed last week in a NY Times profile that ran of the 26 year-old designer following the inauguration, and he’s not stoked about it. An anonymous fashion industry source told Jezebel this week that Wu’s parents knew he was gay, but not his extended family, and the Times‘ mention of Wu’s boyfriend, Gustavo Rangel, has led to “some awkward conversations.” The source also alleged that Wu’s parents are “disappointed” because their son wasn’t more “discreet.”
No one wants to be publicly outed this way. And being Asian and gay and out to your parents is hard enough as it is, what with our people’s obsession with tradition, fitting in and having grandchildren, without your bitchy aunties gossiping about your sex life. The upshot to this unfortunate incident is that Asian parents care a whole lot more about success than they do sex, and Jason Wu is a success story that his Hardass Asian Parents can brag about at their weekly Chinese choir practice, if they’re anything like my own. And instead of saying, “My son, he make most beautiful dress for First Lady,” they can say, “My gay son, etc.” and people, including the Hardass Asian Extended Family, are just going to have to fuckin’ deal with it, because their straight sons–Harvard medical school and gorgeous grandchildren notwithstanding–still can’t hold a candle to Wu.
Asian parents are always disappointed one way or another, anyway, because that’s, like, their job. But many of them eventually get over it–like mine did when I told them that I wanted to be a writer, which led to 10 years of “awkward conversations”–until you disappoint them again (which is inevitable), and then they have to get over that, and so on and so forth, which seems like a total drag until you realize, after a while, that this is what you have to go through to live your life the way you want to live it, in fact, this is living your life the way you want to live it, with a little more honesty and transparency and a little less shame even.
Dear Fuck God,
First of all, let me thank you for all of my wonderful gifts. Thank you for my luscious weave, my bodacious fake tits, and my wonderful husband. Thank you for convincing my mother to give me the space that I need, mostly ‘cuz I feel she is a stupid and dumb, fat bitch anyway.
Next, I would like to say sorry for a couple of things. I am sorry that I voted for John McCain. I am sorry that I brought shame to the House of Chanel. I am sorry that I tried to bring shorts back into style.
Finally, I would like to ask for forgiveness. I would like to apologize for all of Spence’s and my staged photo-shoots, particularly the most recent one in which Spencer and I pretended to get martial arts training. Listen, I know they’re really annoying. I know we look ridiculous, but here’s the thing–I feel like we’ve basically signed our souls away to the Fuck Devil. Fuck God, at this point, unless I want to just bow out of life completely, I’ve got no choice but to keep up this douchery. So I’m sorry, so sorry, and wish that instead of pretending to fight in these last photos, Spence and I were actually, truly beating the shit out of each other, perhaps to the death, so that we could put each other out of our misery and make the world a happier, better place.
Anyway, gotta go. We’ve got a rezzie at the Ivy for “lunch.”
Filed under: Apologies, Chanel, Disappointing Your Parents, Douchebags, Fake Tits, Famous-For-Nothings, Heidi Montag, John McCain, Martial Arts, Prayer Hands, Shameless Photo Ops, Spencer Pratt, The Fuck God
My three older sisters are an Asian parent’s wet dream. All three went to medical school; two went on to become physicians and one dropped out (black sheep?) to become a lawyer (nope, just a sheep). All three have groomed dogs and house deeds and entertainment systems and cars with navigation systems. All three have board and bar certifications neatly framed in mahogany in their clean offices. They pay their taxes on time. One of my sisters accidentally overpays her credit cards. They’re great. Just great.
And then there’s me. The littlest sibling, the one with the English degree, the one everyone is hoping will stop writing and start studying for the bar already. I am the Lost Baby Sis, which is a post that by now I’ve grown used to and am actually rather proud of.
The Lost Baby Sis in me ached a little today when I saw this clip of Ali Lohan (aka Lohan Jr. aka The Lohan With the Less Wonderful Genes aka Perfect For Reality TV aka 14 Going On 40 aka Never Heard of Her) on David Letterman touting the new reality show she stars in with Mother-of-the-Year Dina:
In response I would love to tell her one very important observation:
GIRL, YOU DON’T WANT TO BE.
Recently, a man whom I’ve admired but not totally understood, a man who has at times seemed emotionally distant, someone who worked his way up in America from nothing, said that what kids need today is…
“…a sense of shame. We have got to make sure that we give our youngsters a sense of the need for excellence, the need for hard work. And we believe in you. We have expectations for you. Don’t disappoint us.”
And no, it wasn’t my Dad talkin’, it was this guy:
As we mentioned last week, Kristi Yamaguchi has been leading the pack of this season’s Dancing With the Stars cast since they burst out of the gate.
This week marks the third in which Yamaguchi rocked a score of triple nines, an impressive display that allows her to hold on to her lead for both the episode and the current overall. I dunno about you, but I’d be patting myself on the back–gently but repeatedly–for such stellar scores right about now.
…But we all know that an A-minus average isn’t enough for the gold medalist, right? Here’s her take:
“‘I’m still kind of racking my brain, but I think I definitely need to take it to another level emotionally and within my face to get the performance to another level,’ said Yamaguchi.”
TRANSLASIAN: “My parents watch the show and call me up after every episode, telling me that I should practice harder, stretch more, work longer. My mother won’t let her friends tune in until I start getting tens. She told me: ‘Dancing with star, world championship, olympic, same thing! You should get perfect score!’ I won’t rest until I see ’30.’ I hate myself so frickin’ much right now.”
The Beatles are big on my mom’s side of the family. I have one uncle who definitely believes he is the Vietnamese incarnation of John Lennon, who named his first daughter Michelle about ten years before she was born, and rocks out tracks from Rubber Soul on an electric piano every time we get together for holidays. He’s got both a son and daughter, both of whom are pretty weird and rad, but noticeably not musically inclined (or Beatlemaniacs for that matter).
I try not to bring that little factoid up, because unlike most of my relatives I think he’s actually a little disappointed that his kids will probably end up in medical school instead of playing the guitar too high up on their chests on top of the Capitol Records building. And I am DEFINITELY not going to send him this video…
…of a ridiculously cutey cute cuterson Amazian Jr. who isn’t even out of diapers but can rattle off a baby version of “Hey Jude” faster than you can say “Hokey Pokey.” I swear, if anyone sends this to my uncle, he’ll try to return his kids for a refund. So don’t!
Congratulasians to Ron and Christina, the Hardass Father/Disappointing Daughter duo of The Amazing Race 12, who overcame their earlier differences, kicked ass in Japan and Taiwan (where Christina spoke both native tongues fluently), finished first in last night’s leg and won a spot in the final three to compete for a million smackers.
Overheard during last night’s episode, “Sorry, Guys, I’m Not Happy to See You”:
CHRISTINA: I think my Dad and I are a smarter team than Nate and Jen…
NATE: You know, I know absolutely nothing about Taiwan except we think Thai food’s pretty good…
Nate and Jen were the last team to arrive on the mat last night. I was sorry to hear host Phil “Women’s Hips” Keoghan tell Nate and Jen that he was sorry to tell them that they had both been eliminated from the race. Now there’s no one left on the show to hate, except maybe those dirty hippies.
Last weekend’s New York Times Sunday Styles section broke down a trend they’ve been observing in the professional world: doctors and lawyers are losing their mojo.
Alex Williams writes:
Make no mistake, law and medicine — the most elite of the traditional professions — have always been demanding. But they were also unquestionably prestigious. Sure, bankers made big money and professors held impressive degrees.
But in the days when a successful career was built on a number of tacitly recognized pillars — outsize pay, long-term security, impressive schooling and authority over grave matters — doctors and lawyers were perched atop them all.
Now, those pillars have started to wobble.
The piece makes it very clear–it’s not all about the money. But professionals that took on the impressive undertakings of
making their parents happy Doctorhood and Lawyerdom are starting to feel like the gabillion-hour weeks, donkey workloads, and the basic lack of joy and personal freedom associated with their jobs… are depressing and, more often than not, pretty much bullshit.* They’re bummed out about it and they’re not gonna take it anymore (which translates to: medical school enrollments are down, kinda like housing prices). I seriously wonder how many Asian kids have been displaced by this development. Ten thousand? One hundred thousand?
Kinda makes “I’m dropping out of school to be a writer” and “I’ve gotta be me!” and “I work in Hollywood” sound kinda visionary, doesn’t it??
*keeping people healthy and saving lives is not actually bullshit. (Sorry, Dad.)
My race car-driving friend Pete sent me this video today:
…and it got me wondering how my parents succeeded in potty-training little ol’ me. Did they blink their cute anime eyes and wave their chubby little hands side to side while singing “wee wee, piss piss?” Sounds way too nice, too hippy-like, and I hate hippies, so I can’t imagine I learned how to pee like one.
I gave my sister Phuong a call and she explained that my mom’s method was… sit me down, make a whooshing sound, and boom! Instant potty training at age one. That’s it? For serious? What she neglected to mention, that I am pretty convinced actually happened, was my mother’s gentle raise of eyebrow accompanied by a stern but delicate whisper: “Your cousin learned how to do this a month ago.”
Oh, how times have changed.