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Guys, I think I just read the most humiliating sublebrity story I’ve ever read. Like, ever.
It involves a certain celebrity mom (ahem, see right) abusing her two cash cows’ daughters’ Carvel Black Cards to the point of a major incident (I’m talking, like, cops). The tore-up, deluded famewhore mother leaked her version of the story to the tabloids and played the victim–in response, Carvel cleared their name by publicly naming and shaming the whole family in an official press release.
NOT LYING: I AM LITERALLY JITTERING WITH TINGLES OF MORTIFICASIAN FOR EVERYONE INVOLVED.
Read what I wrote again, please. I’m not talking about the AMEX Black Card, I’m talking about a freebie card distributed by CARVEL–the ice cream company–to famous (Ali Lohan is famous? Eh, who am I to judge) folks, to entice those celebrities to come in person (as stated in the card’s fine print) to Carvel stores for a maximum of $25 free purchases per week, for 75 years. Pretty sweet deal for a bunch of people who’ll likely be in rehab or formerly famous in ten years!
I am so mortified by this press release that I have no choice to post it here for you in full, straight from the Carvel blog. Here goes:
Posted on June 17, 2010 by carvelicecream
ATLANTA, GA (June 17, 2010) – As part of Carvel’s 75th Anniversary celebration Continue reading The Lohan Family: Carvel-ing Out A Niche In Low-Rent History
Filed under: Ali Lohan, Annoying Things Celebrities Do, Black Card Abuse, Carvel Black Card, Carvel Black Cards Are Amazing, Carvel FTW, Carvel Ice Cream, Celebrity Mom, Dina Lohan, Dina Lohan Makes Us Hurl, Discounts, Embarrassing, Freebie, Lindsay Lohan, Low-rentitude, Pathetic, Playing The Victim, Public Humiliation, Public Shaming, Shameful Behavior, Sublebrities, The Lohan Family, The Lohans, Time To Call It
It was pretty clear to me as a kid that my batshit-crazy aunt and uncle were so entirely consumed with their unhappy marriage, that they took a very sloppy, broad-handed (machete as opposed to scalpel) approach to Hardass Asian Parenting. With four young kids at once (three little boys and their wide-eyed older sister), it didn’t matter so much that one had good piano fingers, one was good at wind instruments, and two were good at violin–everybody got piano lessons. Everybody got the same math grades using the same math books, or they were grounded. Hell, everybody got the same haircut, and if they cried… well, they didn’t cry. And when it came to teaching life lessons like self-respect and dignity, the execution was simple and equally blunt–keep the boys inside and don’t let the daughter ever leave the house looking like a tramp. Example: (machete) my female cousin was never allowed to leave the house wearing shorts.
So of course, homegirl always left the house in a floor-length skirt and promptly yanked it off behind the neighbor’s bushes so that she could skip to campus with the teeniest, tiniest, barely-shorts-pretty-much-undies attire she could. This eventually evolved into miniskirts and half-shirts, then minidresses and half-buttoned blouses. And so on and so forth. All the while, she hated her parents, and the look on her face always said so–a disastrous outcome, by any standard.
I always thought that if they hadn’t been so heavy-handed about the damn shorts, then my lady cousin’s gams wouldn’t have been so desperate to BREATHE, and she wouldn’t have felt forever obliged into adulthood to incorporate “tiny” into her daily wardrobe. Why didn’t her mom just tell her, “Listen, you’re skinny. You’re pretty. Wear whatever you want. I believe you will make the right choice,” and call it a day? I bet she would have ended up and smart pantsuits and cute, knee-length pencil skirts paired with cardigans by college. And the girl could avoided the years of lying, the hiding, the scowling moments spent wearing her stupid summer pants while grumbling “I hate you. I HATE YOU!” next to her mother. Right?
Filed under: Ali Lohan, Bad Parenting, Cousins, Dina Lohan Makes Us Hurl, Fucked Up Teens, Hardass Asian Parents, Hating Your Mom, Poor Things, Scowls, Strange Vietnamese Behavior, Tramp Face, Weird Rules
When I first saw the above picture of Dina Lohan receiving an Outstanding Mother of the Year award this week, I immediately thought:
Are they a collection of beautiful Chinese women that get together to play Mahjong, sing songs, and compare expensive leather bags and children? Do they dine on rice and complain about how their sons can’t decide between going to Harvard Med or Yale Law? Do they get microdermabrasian together? Do they go for steams together?
Of course, a moment later I realized that “Mingling Moms” is just a small, Long Island, NY-based groups of baby mamas that pretty much like hanging out and having lunch and stuff.
…Which is, of course, why Dina Lohan truly is an outstanding role model! She’s very good at hanging out and having lunch and stuff!
Y’know, if there did happen to be an organizasian called The Ming Ling Moms, I doubt very much they would be willing to honor anyone with acrylic tips as an Outstanding mother. Perhaps, instead, they might issue a statement like this:
“We do not approve of children that do not go to university, do drugs, drink, go to jail, and show private parts to public. The only explanation for this is that mother is failure. Maybe mother should go back to school and show daughter how to succeed in life, by working hard and making good food at home.”
…but maybe not a fancy, expensive plaque worthy of Lohan’s tips.
Nine times out of ten, Rob Schneider disappoints us by exhibiting DISGRASIAN behavior.
Example 1: The Hot Chick
Example 2: “Ronnie… The Ron-Meister…Ron-o-rama…”
After being criticized by Dina “Living Vicariously” Lohan for impersonating her daughter,
OOC Hollywood cokehead troubled starlet Lindsay Lohan, on The Tonight Show –Scneider fired back via People.com:
“When Mrs. Lohan stops partying with her child, then I’ll have an ounce of respect for her…”
“Lindsay, get it together, America will forgive you but you gotta do something positive with your life,” Schneider adds. “I hope she does okay but at a certain point, there’s so many bigger problems in the world than Lindsay Lohan.
“I hope she gets her head out of her nice, cute little rear end and finds a life for herself,” says the comic, currently filming with pal Adam Sandler on location in the Hamptons. “She’s very talented, and a special little actress but there are so many people out there who’d trade positions with her in a heartbeat and use it better than she is.”
Good job, Rob! Now what can we do to permanently increase your non-DISGRASIAN percentage? It’s nice to have you on board.