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New Year, New You: The Chinese Roundworm Diet

January 6th, 2011 | 4 comments | Posted by Jen

It’s the start of a new year, which means you’re supposed to suddenly be transformed into an incandescent new being with a higher consciousness, a magical aura, a quicker mind, and–most importantly–a tighter ass, am I right? Right now, there are “news” stories everywhere about holiday weight gain and New Year’s weight loss resolutions and celebrity detoxes. Oh, and diets. Diets for the whole family, “diets for your wallet,” the chocolate milk diet, the Chinese roundworm diet…wait, what?!

According to a news story published last week in Britain’s Daily Mail, female Chinese students are resorting to eating roundworm eggs in order to get thin for job interviews. While there’s plenty of weird news coming out of China, the only weird thing about this story is the story itself (which was also reposted on HuffPo). And by weird, I mean “dubious,” “poorly reported,” and “kinda fakey fake-seeming.”

For starters, the Daily Mail is alleging that female students in the southern city of Xiamen, China, are eating roundworm eggs to look thin for job interviews, because jobs are scarce while the labor force is massive. Excerpted from the story’s opening paragraphs:

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AMAZIAN OF THE WEEK! The Twinkie Diet

November 8th, 2010 | 3 comments | Posted by Jen

No, we are not talking about “Twinkies” in the “yellow on the outside, white on the inside”-sense. We are talking 1,800 calories a day of Twinkies, Doritos, Oreos, and other “foods” that come in crinkly, plastic, environment-hating packages. We are talking a diet of junk food that one nutrition professor undertook for 10 weeks that not only made him lose 27 lbs., but also lowered his BMI from overweight to normal, dropped his bad cholesterol by 20 percent and increased his good cholesterol by 20 percent, and reduced his triglycerides–or fat–levels by 39 percent.

Don’t get us wrong. This diet is fucking disgusting.

BUT.

One man’s Twinkie is another man’s Kyochon fried chicken, and it gives us hope that there’s a way to keep eating some of our favorite foods without one of our relatives at the next family gathering making that dreaded but inevitable observation that’s somehow okay to make when you’re Asian:

“[Insert Asian-Language Exclamation Word of your choice]–YOU GOT SO FAT!”

[CNN: Twinkie diet helps nutrition professor lose 27 pounds]

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And Speaking of Appetite Suppressants…

March 26th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

My friend Chris, a brilliant comfort food chef (he once served a magnificent nine dinner courses of bacon–a life-changing, so-worth-it event that my arteries may never forgive me for) told me about a very special bread chef from Thailand this morning.

I was so intrigued by the gastronomic innovasian that I wrote a poem to describe my reaction:

This Thailand Bread
Looks like people so dead
Mostly cabezas
,
A treat that does faze us

Is that a heart?
Baker says that it’s art

But I’d rather see canvas

Than floured forearms and bare ass

It’s awfully gruesome
Like
friendship with Gavin Newsom,
Like chlamydia prick

The scene makes me sick

Still, the baker, he sifts
Making these unique gifts

So that folks that bring bread

Can give wonderful head.

Here’s what I’m talkin’ about, Willis:


Uh, yuck. I’m so un-hungry now I could be an aspiring model. Jesus.

[via Inventor Spot]

Thank you x2, Chris!!

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The Chopstick Diet: The Ultimate in Ka-Ching-Chongery

January 14th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

The Chopsticks Diet is one of the latest nutritional fads, centered around eating healthy Japanese food with–you guessed it–chopsticks. Author Kimiko Barber contends in her new book by the same name that using chopsticks is the key to staying slim.

“In Japan, food is served in smaller portions and is designed to be eaten with chopsticks which slow you down, so you eat less.”

I love the audacity of this idea. Because it’s so obvious. And it’s such an outrageous example of “branding,” of selling a “concept” that has been quietly going on for thousands of years in certain parts of the world, only up until now, it was called “eating.” And because people (like Victoria Beckham) are gonna fall for this shit hook, line, and sinker the way they fell for feng shui, because it’s Asian and ancient and therefore good for you, like yoga, acupuncture, Chinese herbs, shiatsu massage, tai chi, and everything else “discovered” by D-list actresses and Hollywood wives and lifestyle douchebags.

Kimiko Barber: “Haha, suckas! Ka-Ching…Chong!

And somebody’s gotta get rich selling this Eastern mysticism-opiate to the masses, so it might as well be Kimiko. I’m just bummed I didn’t come up with the idea myself. Because then I’d be richhhhhhhhhhh! And I’d eat really richhhhhhhhh food because I would be one richhhhhhhhhhh bitchhhhhhhhh and then I’d get fat because I wouldn’t give a fuck what people thought of me because I’d be richhhhhhhhhhhh and wasteful and I’d wallpaper my bathroom with hundred dollar bills.

[via BuzzFeed]

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