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You may remember that, about a month ago, we told you former footballer Hidetoshi Nakata was appearing in a new Calvin Klein underwear campaign. Then our pal Erica tweeted about one of the ad campaign’s videos–which also features Twilight‘s Kellan Lutz, True Blood‘s Mehcad Brooks, and tennis star Fernando Verdasco–and suffice it to say, we haven’t gotten a whole lot done ever since.
YES, GODAMMIT, WE WANNA SEE YOUR BLEEPS!!!
Filed under: Calvin Klein, Calvin Klein Underwear, Calvin Klein X Underwear Campaign, Dicks, Fernando Verdasco, Hidetoshi Nakata, Hot Asian Men, Hot Pieces, Hotter Than Porn, Kellan Lutz, Mehcad Brooks, Nothing Cums Between Me and My Calvins
Am I the only who thinks that a YouTube video called “Apolo Ohno Crotch Shot” should have far more than 7,601 views?
Filed under: Apolo Anton Ohno, Apolo Ohno, Bathing Suit Areas, Crotch Shots, Dicks, Extreme Closeups, Numbers, Packages, Penises, Small Penis Jokes, Speed Skaters, Surprises, Weiners, YouTube, YouTube Gems
And you know what’s not tiny? The yeast infection I’m getting looking at those cheap hooker panties.
If you’ll excuse me…
Filed under: Cocks, Dicks, Hailey Glassman, Hooker Bitches, Jon and Kate Plus 8, Jon Gosselin, Jon Gosselin Dick, Kiss-And-Tell, Magic Weiners, Mixed People, That's What You Get For Going Out With Hookers, Tiny Penises, Yuck
Dear Joe Lieberman,
Filed under: Bad People, Dicks, Filibuster, Health Care, Health Care Bill, If Only It had Been Joe Francis' Arm, Joe Liberman, Joe Lieberman Is A Douchebag, Senator Joe Lieberman, This Is Bull Shit, Traitors, Watch It All Burn
YouTube sensation Tim Chantarangsu, aka TimothyDeLaGhetto2, may have a small dick, but, man, is he hung with some nards.
“For Asian dudes, this idea of the small penis joke is like our Kryptonite…that’s supposed to be the worst thing you could say to an Asian dude, it’s almost like this Asian penis joke is like the n-word equivalent for Asian dudes, cuz it’s like oh my god I can’t believe he just said that, I’mma get this Asian dude, I’m gonna either say he’s got a small dick or he eats dog or he eats dog with a small dick. By taking the power away from that, I’m doing kinda like black people did where they embraced the n-word as a word of love.”
For more of Tim’s videos, check out:
Global Health Magazine composed and posted this rather startling graph documenting international attitudes towards domestic violence today, based on 2001-2007 data collected by the UNICEF site, Child Info (which monitors the situation of women and children).
My kneejerk reaction—I want to throttle all of these ladies myself. Does shaking count? What about shaking while shouting, “IT IS NOT OKAY FOR ONE SINGLE FUCKER TO LAY A HAND ON YOU, DO YOU HEAR ME??? DO YOU FUCKING HEAR ME?!?!!?”
But my gut just says, wow. I’m pretty sure my grandmas (R.I.P.) were once those women. And who’d a thunk their kids–my mom and dad–would raise a daughter to spend her days swilling whiskey, getting angry, and threatening to chop dicks off (for the right reason, of course)? ‘Cuz they did.
Like I said, wow.
DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! G. Gordon Liddy Thinks Bill Clinton Brought Back a Dead Giant Panda and a Dick from North Korea
Poor Gordon Liddy. The 78 year-old Watergate mastermind appears to be losing his mind. On Wednesday, while most of the country was busy heralding the safe return of American journalists Euna Lee and Laura Ling from North Korea–FOX News and other right-wing fearmongers being notable exceptions–Liddy announced on his radio show that “Ling-Ling and Wee-Wee…have been brought back by Bill Clinton to the United States.”
Now, Ling-Ling was one of the two giant pandas (pictured with her mate Hsing-Hsing) given to the U.S. by China following President Nixon’s historic visit there in 1972. You know, the same president that Liddy served under and served time for. It’s only natural to assume, then, that Liddy is suffering from moderate dementia–symptoms of which include “forgetting names and faces” and “remembering events from the past as though they are the present”–and that’s why he’s confusing Laura Ling with Ling-Ling, a giant panda who died in 1992.
And we all know what a Wee-Wee is. (Lady Gaga even has one, evidently!) But why Liddy would conflate Euna Lee with a dick is beyond us. Perhaps he’s been playing with his own wee-wee a bit too much lately?
Which would mean Liddy’s brain is not only degenerating, it’s moving rapidly from moderate to severe dementia, symptoms of which include…”uncontrollable movements.“
Like we said, poor Gordon Liddy.
Sometime shame is a shitpile: Like when you become suicidal after getting rejected from your top-choice school. Or when you stop seeing friends entirely because your suffering screenwriter budget won’t allow you to fine dine. Or when your cheerleading coach logs into your Facebook account and airs your dirty laundry with the students and staff, exposing you to years of ridicule. Or when your baby papa leaves you when you’re seven months pregnant for a younger, longer-necked actress. Or when your mother disowns you because you’ve dishonored the family by moving in with a boyfriend/marrying outside of your race/having a baby out of wedlock.
But man, sometimes shame is absolutely good and necessary. It’s the stuff that, properly applied, keeps people from gallivanting with party gals in the south of France while their eight toddlers sit at home. Or from jerking their man’s junk on a hotel balcony for the delight of the paparazzi. Or self-destructing entirely at clubs, parties and Robertson Boulevard as if doing performance art for the blogosphere.
Everyone once in awhile, though, shame is simply complicated.
Recently, a married man in Wisconson with a handful of girlfriends found himself at the center of an ugly coup, hosted by all of his disgruntled lovers.
WAUSAU, Wis. — A married man who planned to rendezvous with one of his handful of lovers at an eastern Wisconsin motel instead found himself bound, blindfolded and assaulted by a group of women out for revenge, according to court documents.
Four women, including his wife, eventually showed up to humiliate the man, who ended up with his penis glued to his stomach in a bizarre plot to punish him for a lover’s quadrangle gone bad, according to the documents filed in Calumet County.
The women involved now face time in the clink for their shameful acts. But let’s talk about everyone involved, and who’s to shame here, for a second:
There’s the dude, who carelessly juggled the women in his life (including the one he exchanged holy vows with) as if they were oranges and not people, which is bullshit. And he ended up catching a beatdown for it, with his wiener glued his gut. Should be ashamed? Definitely. Was the attack on him unacceptable? Yes. But isn’t it kinda hilarious? Sorry, but kinda. I mean hell, it’s not like they cut the fucking thing off…
Then there’s the wife, the true cuckold of the story. No, it wasn’t a good idea for her to get involved in this sick scenario, but her husband was piling at least three other chicks, for crying out loud. It’s humiliating and scarring. She’s not excused, but she certainly had a leg to stand on. Also, I’ve got to give her mad props for getting in cahoots with the ladies to challenge the true adulterer, instead of lashing out at them (they, after all, never put a ring on her finger).
Lastly are the girlfriends, who found themselves subjugated to not only being “the other woman,” but “one of the other women.” What a demotion! The interesting thing about these ladies is the variety of their shame, which I feel might only really be present because they all got caught.
One certainly has her tail between her legs, if only to soften the blow of her reprimand:
“I am disturbed. I am upset. I am having a hard time handling life; an emotional wreck,” Wendy Sewell, 43, of Kaukauna, said in a telephone interview from her home. “I am ashamed.”
But sometimes photos tell a different story. Sewell’s counterpart, “an-other woman” Michelle Belliveau, seems to say it all in her mug shot:
discuss the release of detained Journalists Euna Lee and Laura Ling
(Screen grab from video of still photo)
KIM JONG IL: Oh, hey! Bill, good of you to come! What brings you to DPRK?
BILL CLINTON: With all due respect, sir, you know why I’m here. It’s time for you to return Euna and Laura.
KIM JONG IL: Oh yeah! Yeah! Sounds great. Are you hungry?
BILL CLINTON: Thank you, sir. I’m not–
KIM JONG IL: Let’s take a picture. Does anybody have a camera? [To staff member] Grab that video guy. Shoot a little bit of me with Billy boy.
BILL CLINTON: I don’t really know if this is the time or pl–
KIM JONG IL: [To camera] Yo, wazzup! Your boy Kim here with the former prez of the USA!
BILL CLINTON: I’m here on a humanitarian mission. We have a deal. You know this.
KIM JONG IL: Yeah, yeah, of course we have a deal! Listen, are you sure you’re not hungry? Let’s just get some dinner, we’ll talk, we’ll get to everything you need…
BILL CLINTON: O…kay.
KIM JONG IL: God, BILL! It’s great to see you. Seriously. Man, you should come by more often. We gotta hang.
BILL CLINTON: This is not a “hang,” I’m here to discuss Lee and Ling, who you sentenced to 12 years in hard labor prison.
KIM JONG IL: Oh, that was mostly just for leverage. I wanted somebody like you to come over here and have dinner with me.
BILL CLINTON: Well, I’m here, asshole.
KIM JONG IL: OMG, did you hear about the World’s Biggest Asshole thing?
BILL CLINTON: Excuse me?
KIM JONG IL: Never mind.
BILL CLINTON: Maybe we should sit down and get into discussions. I don’t have a lot of time.
KIM JONG IL: I know I know I know. Rush, rush, rush! Don’t you feel like we’re always in a hurry? I mean, what are we hurrying for? We’re all going to die someday.
BILL CLINTON: [Frustrated] Yes. Hopefully some of us sooner than others.
KIM JONG IL: Oh, Bubba, don’t be like that.
BILL CLINTON: Please stop addressing me that way. President Clinton, or Bill, please.
KIM JONG IL: Alright, Bill Please! [laughs hysterically]
BILL CLINTON: Pardon me for asking, but are you on something?
KIM JONG IL: A shit ton of Vicodin and this experimental drug that makes me seem like I’m alive! Aw man, I’m just glad to see you.
BILL CLINTON: I feel like you’re just hungry for attention.
KIM JONG IL: Nuh-UH.
BILL CLINTON: I’m not here for a pleasant visit. I don’t like your nukes, I don’t like your world tactics, and I’m furious that you’ve imprisoned American journalists.
KIM JONG IL: But they were producing a smear campaign against North Korea!
BILL CLINTON: Dude, HAVE YOU PICKED UP A PAPER LATELY? Your rep is established. There’s no more “smearing” left to do.
KIM JONG IL: I’ll nuke you.
BILL CLINTON: Oh, there you go again. Do you realize that this is all just a vicious cycle? You’re not making things any better for yourself.
KIM JONG IL: Why can’t people just see that I’m cool and awesome and the best?
BILL CLINTON: Because you’re a dick and your appearance frightens small children.
KIM JONG IL: I’m sorry. About everything. I just put up these walls…
BILL CLINTON: Yes. Literally.
KIM JONG IL: It’s like I’ve gone so far, I can’t turn back.
BILL CLINTON: Well, you’re going to have to.
KIM JONG IL: I can’t!
BILL CLINTON: Listen. One step at a time. Hand over the girls. Let me take them home.
[deep, sad pause]
KIM JONG IL: Okay.
Photo Source: AP
Thanks to Aviva, Abe, Cate and Mohammad!
In 106 years of racing, no Japanese rider has ever completed the Tour De France. This year, however, two Japanese riders crossed the finish line at the Champs-Élysées, irrefutably putting Japanese cycling on the world map: Yukiya Arashiro (from Team BBOX Bouygues Telecom) and Fumiyuki Beppu (from Team Skil-Shimano).
I still don’t quite understand how the hell any human rider managed to get through the entire tour of 2009–one of the hardest courses in years–especially with the second-to-last stage a grueling, windy, super-gnarly climb up Mont Ventoux. A person has to be a machine to charge up that incline at the end of three weeks–any dude that can sack up at that level on the 22nd day is seriously A-OK in my book.
Speaking of sacks! Yellow jersey winner Alberto Contador must have some serious balls.
He wins the highest honor of the Gentleman’s team sport, aided by legendary teammate and rival Lance Armstrong (who, fresh out of retirement, stood on the podium at 3rd and helped grab the overall victory for their team, Astana) and says:
Dayum. I don’t know these two personally, but I do understand teamwork and its role in cycling–and I’m pretty sure that’s not the best way to say, “Thank you for my yellow jersey and team win.”
Contador’s sure got a scrote of steel, but what a dick!
Filed under: Alberto Contador, Bad Sportsmanship, Balls, Cycling, Dicks, Even Champions Can Be Dicks, Fumiyuki Beppu, Lance Armstrong, Mont Ventoux, Talking Shit, Team Astana, Tour De France, Yukiya Arashiro
Diana and I saw The Hangover together recently, and we giggled a lot, because it was totally our kind of chick flick (i.e. a dick flick). But one thing that left me feeling queasy after the movie–besides the Welch’s fruit snacks Diana brought to the theater that I shoveled down by the handful–was Ken Jeong’s character, Mr. Chow. I hated the generic Engrish accent. And the character’s queeny affectation left me cold, coming across more prissy than funny.
The thing is, Ken Jeong, in my book, can do no wreong. I have no idea why. There’s something reassuring about his presence. Maybe he cultivated this as a real doctor. I think it also has to do with that classic Hardass Asian Dad-haircut of his and the soothing timber of his voice. He should read children’s bedtime-stories-on-tape on the side or something. So post-Hangover, I had a hangover of my own, and I was really confused.
Then a friend forwarded this podcast Dr. Ken did with Adam Corolla last week about his role in The Hangover. In it, he went there, and by that I mean, he talks about his dick (there’s a scene in which he does full-frontal). Not only that, he refers to it over the course of the interview as “the smallest cock,” a “tiny penis,” “a grower, not a shower,” and a “mangina.” In the movie, the only other dick we see is Zach Galifianakis’s, but that was a prosthetic. And given prevailing stereotypes, I thought what Ken said in the podcast–and the fact that he did full-frontal in the first place–took balls.
So I’m back again to Ken Jeong can do no wreong. And I feel so much better now.
Have you checked out the three month-old site, Awkward Family Photos? Perhaps you’ve already submitted your own pics, like when your dad was rocking that five inch-wide polyester tie or when you had that man-perm mullet that made you look like a show poodle instead of Mario Lopez circa Saved by the Bell. Lots of funny family portraits are to be found here, including families in business together, families in racial drag, and, you know, families just looking creepy and weird for no particular reason.
There are, of course, some photos of famous families, too:
That’s our embellishment by the way, and not something original to the photo, although given Kim Jong Il’s awkward relationship with his Number One Son, seems plausible, doesn’t it?