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The first time I was flashed by someone’s unsolicited penis, I was 12. My female cousin and I were sitting at an outdoor table on the patio of a little French-Vietnamese cafe, eating cake, giggling, likely talking about floral skirts or boys. In the middle of a sentence, I noticed a man about five yards away, standing at his bicycle. “Yuck,” I said to my cousin. “That old guy’s staring at us.”
“What guy?” she asked.
“Uh, the weird old guy over there standing at his bike,” I muttered under my breath. “Don’t look, don’t look, he’ll see–”
She turned unsubtly to look. I took another glance then, too, what the hell.
Undisturbed, the bike man kept staring at us. I immediately retreated from the eye contact and dropped my gaze… down… to… his limp penis, which was hanging out of the open zipper in his pants, the tip resting weirdly on the top tube of the bike frame.
Dirty, I thought, referring to both the tip-touched bike frame and the perv.
I was nervous and wanted to escape. She, thankfully, hadn’t taken in the whole picture yet. I spoke through my teeth, code-speaking a plan to get back inside to the safety of the cafe and its brightly-lit bakery case, and she followed me despite her confusion. We hid inside as he tucked his worm back in and pedaled away, then ran back to where we’d left our parents.
In the decades since, I’ve probably glimpsed about ten more strangers’ penises that I never wanted to see. Some silently shown, some being wanked, some flaccid, some less so, all hideous–because frankly, there’s nothing more hideous than an unsolicited penis.
Which is why I wish I had the nards to create a fake membership and start digging around on Dickflash.com, a forum for people that love to, uh, flash their dicks to strangers (and a couple of hanger-on basic exhibitionists), which Jezebel’s Irin Carmon kindly infiltrated and investigated earlier this week. Continue reading Dickflashers United
Y’all. Sorry for the lack of posts recently. It’s hot and we’re bothered, and I don’t mean that in a good way. The same can’t be said for USA Today, which posted this graphic last Friday:
Looks like the sun is about to blow himself, doesn’t it? And, you know, if that’s what it takes to lower temps around here, by all means.
Guys, I’m gonna be honest. I’ve been a quieter football fan this year.
Err, umm, I’ve had my reasons.
I am so friggin’ elated. So excited. So proud. So…
…preoccupied by the shame I feel about one turd guy. UGH. How does he ruin EVERYTHING?
Filed under: AFC Champions, Bad Reprzentatives, Ben Roethlisberger, Dallas, Dicks, Did Not Think This Was Our Year, Football, Giving People Reason To Talk Smack, I Bleed Black And Gold For The Rooneys Not Roethlisberger, Insults To My Steeler Pride, NFL, Party Poopers, Pittsburgh Steelers, Quarterbacks, Sex Offenders (Alleged), Shame, Stairway To Seven, Steelers, Steelers v Packers Super Bowl, Super Bowl 45, Super Bowl XLV, Surprises
Na na na na, na na na na, hey hey hey, goodbye…
We hear you’re announcing your 2012 retirement tomorrow in Stamford, CT.
Congratulations! Hope you get a nice new golf bag, and maybe a fancy pen or something, before all that time off.
Now get outta Washington before you cause any more trouble.
Filed under: Connecticut, Dicks, Disgroliticians, Flip Floppers, Joe Lieberman, Joe Lieberman Is A Douchebag, Leaders we won't miss, People That Cause Trouble, Politicians, Politics, Senator Joe Lieberman, Senators, Washington D.C.
Dear Mr. Kenneth Tong:
Earlier this week, I started reading stories about you and this idea of “managed anorexia,” a Twitter campaign you launched then claimed was a hoax, but only, it seems, after a journalist mentioned the possibility of legal action against you because of it.
I sent a few links about this story to Jen and Diana, the editors of this blog. As their intern, it’s part of my job to look for stories they may want to write about on the site.
I figured you were a shoo-in for “DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK,” a weekly dishonor given to someone or something that has done something so foul and terrible that we may all be worse off because of it. Something so bad it’s almost worth not writing about but for the fact that we have to warn others about the bullshit you’ve perpetrated.
Also, I figured that having DOTW on your resume would be a natural fit for someone whose only previous claim to fame was as a contestant on “Big Brother UK”.
They asked if I could write a response to you and to your story. They asked me to do this because I first alerted them to it, and because I seemed pretty well invested in taking you down.
I also wonder if they asked me to do this because I’m fat.
So, Mr. Kenneth Tong, I want to thank you.
Thank you for causing even a fraction of a millisecond of a doubt in my mind about the reason behind Jen and Diana asking me to write this story.
Thank you for taking it upon yourself to use Twitter to bully and harass the women who were unfortunate enough to read your posts.
Thank you for showing the world the truth of the hate that you have for fat people, for women, for people with eating disorders, for the people who love them, and for pretty much every decent person on earth.
Thank you for using anorexia, an eating disorder, and exploiting it for the sake of an experiment “to go from nowhere to be a globally recognized figure within a week harnessing the power of the internet and specifically Twitter.” I’m sure that people suffering from anorexia and other eating disorders were happy they could lend a hand in the effort to promote you.
Thank you for using the interviews you’ve given to the press since you began this awful game (because it’s just a game to you, isn’t it?) to promote yourself instead of clearing up any assertions you made about anorexia, or to offer real apologizes to anyone you may have offended or harmed.
Thank you for re-tweeting every single negative message you received on Twitter in response to “managed anorexia”, because it shows you really only care about yourself.
Thank you for showing me that when I thought I’d heard every insult and every bad word you could hurl at a fat person, you came up with even more.
Thank you for making me think about you, and how much I hate what you have to say, when really I would have been much better off focusing on more important things like who I think is going to win big at The Golden Globes on Sunday, or cleaning my bathroom.
Thank you for making me fearful of posting a picture of myself on-line, of writing this post, of showing people who I am, because now all I can think of is being judged or, even worse, being ignored, because I am fat.
Jasmine (aka, Fatso, Fatty Fat Fat, Fat Bitch, and so on and so forth)
Filed under: Anorexia, Assholes, Backpedaling, Big Brother Contestants, Bulimia, Dicks, Eating Disorders, Fame Trolls, Fame Whores, Fat, Hoaxes, Hong Kong Chinese, Kenneth Tong, Reality TV, Reality TV Contestants, Sizists, Some People Need Muzzles, Trolls, Twitter, Twitter Wars, What The Fuck Is Managed Anorexia?
Today marks the 69th anniversary of the attack on Pearl Harbor. And nothing says “honoring the dead” or “remembering the fallen” quite like… “BUY MY CRAPTASTICALLY WRITTEN HISTORICAL NOVELS.”
(And, hey, you can currently buy both of these books at the special discounted price of $10.09 at Newt’s Official Online Store! Take that, Radical Secular-Socialism!)
Filed under: Attack on Pearl Harbor, Conservatards, Days of Infamy, Dicks, Family Values, Fox News, Historical Novels, Newt Gingrich, Newt Gingrich Is a Giant Asshole, Newt Gingrich Pearl Harbor Tweet, Newt Gingrich Twitter, Novelist Newt Gingrich, Offensive Tweets, Pearl Harbor, Radical Secular-Socialism, Remembrances, Shameless Plugs, Twitter
At the Asian Games in Guangzhou last week, the Singapore water polo team revealed a new swim trunk design based on its country’s flag that had people back home crying desecrasian.
Filed under: Banana Hammocks, Boner Apparel, Boners, Desecrasian, Dicks, Erections, Funny Stuff, LOL, Singapore Flag, Singapore Water Polo Team, Singapore Water Polo Team Wears Inappropriate Swim Trunks at Asian Games, Speedos, Sports Scandals, Swim Trunks, Uniforms, Weird Singaporean Behavior
In an interview with Matt Lauer set to air next week, George Bush–who’s also hocking a memoir, as if living in this jobless, debt-ridden country isn’t reminder enough of the havoc he’s wreaked upon us–claims the lowest point of his presidency came when Kanye West said on live TV post-Katrina that Bush didn’t “care about black people.”
“I resent it, it’s not true, and it was one of the most disgusting moments of my presidency,” he tells Lauer, according to Yahoo! News.
So, after squandering a ten year budget surplus of $5.6 trillion and incurring a ten year deficit of $6 trillion instead, and leading this country into an unnecessary war that’s cost us over $700 billion and claimed the lives of over 12,000 U.S. soldiers, you really still believe the lowest point in your presidency was having a rapper call you racist?
Congratulations, George W. Bush! That means you officially have the emotional maturity Continue reading Congratulations, George W. Bush
Filed under: Assholes, Babies, Boo Hoo, Dicks, Fuck You, George Bush Doesn't Care About Black People, George Bush Memoir, George W. Bush, Hurricane Katrina, Kanye West, Katrina, One of the Many Stellar Bush Administration Legacies, Taylor Swift, The Bush Legacy, Uberassholes
First Tiger Woods, now Junior Seau…what is it about the Cadillac Escalade that makes it the perfect getaway car for men involved–allegedly–in domestic disputes?
Seau, who was arrested Sunday night on suspicion of domestic violence committed against his 25 year-old live-in girlfriend, drove his 3-ton SUV off a seaside cliff a few hours after the arrest. The NFL veteran came away from the accident with minor injuries and reportedly told police that he had fallen asleep at the wheel. His agent, Mike Kinkler, told ESPN that the arrest and the accident were unrelated.
“One had nothing to do with the other,” Kinkler said. “It’s unfortunate the two events happened so close together, but what people are reporting is completely untrue.”
Uh-huh. That’s what Tiger said.
This can’t possibly help the reputation of the Escalade as the douchemobile of choice, but it likely won’t hurt sales either, especially since Cadillac’s have soared 43.8% in the first nine months of this year. Because even philanderers and wife-beaters–alleged, that is–need a bumpin’ set of wheels.
Filed under: Alleged Girlfriend Beaters, American Samoans, Arrests, Cadillac, Cadillac Escalade, Dicks, Domestic Disputes, Domestic Violence, Douchemobiles, Douches, Junior Seau, NFL, NFL Players, Pacific Islanders, Philanderers, Tiger Woods, Wife-Beaters
Normally, we’d say eating donkey dick should be reserved for your worst enemies, so when adorbs Adam Yamaguchi tucks into its gristly penile sinew, we don’t know what to think:
On second thought, we do know what to think.
Eating donkey dick should be reserved for your worst enemies.
Filed under: Adam Yamaguchi, Adam Yamaguchi Vanguard, Adventurous Eating, China, Current TV, Dick Eaters, Dick-gestibles, Dicks, Donkey Dick, Eat a Dick, Eating Dick, Eating Donkey Dick, Extreme Eating, Penises
Angry Asian Man posted this fabulous instructional video, which is part of a series that aids grownup Korean speakers in pronouncing the more, er, important words of the English language: the bad ones!
Nothing warms my heart more than hearing a Hardass Asian Grownup drop an f-bomb or call someone “you fucking bitch”–or reach my father’s apex of frustration: “Oh, shit” (it only happens when he makes an anomolous mistake, like losing his keys).
And so my only hope is that more Koreans will immerse themselves into this line of study. And that such tutorials will soon be created for ma peeps the Vietnamese, Jen’s peeps the Chinese, and all of y’alls peeps as well!
I also see this tutorial as a bit of a backdoor guide to reading DISGRASIAN, properly prepping little old ladies using umbrellas as parasols and friends from our parents’ singing groups to join us in a dialogue about fucking burritos and declaring the world’s biggest asshole–and, if we’re lucky, helping us cut a few fuckers’ dicks off. That’s the fucking shit!
It’s a generasian bridge, so to speak. And a damn fine one at that.
Filed under: Angry Asian Man, Assholes, Awesome Korean Behavior, Awesomeness, Chalkboard, Chopping Dicks Off, Cursing, Dicks, Foul Language, Fucking Bitches, Hardass Asian Parents, Hardass Asian Parents' Friends, Korean English Curse Word Tutorial, Korean Grownups, Koreans, Koreans Who Rules, Singing Groups, Study
Y’all. Y’ALL. What was up with this week? Why was everyone being such a dick? Was mercury in some kind of dickish retrograde? Was there an excess of dickage in the air? Was there some kind of discount offered on dick pipes? Was it, like, International Be-A-Dick Week? Was there a big VIP dick party that we weren’t invited to (and why not, you dicks)? Seriously, what was with all this whatthedickery?
Don’t know what we mean? What kind of dickhole have you been hiding in? (And is there extra room there? We’re kinda all dicked-out at the moment.) Not to be a total dick and ruin your dick-free week, but if you don’t know what we’re talking about, you don’t know dick. So let’s stop dicking around and get down to business.
NAME: Adam Carolla
WHY HE’S A DICK: He fucked with Intern Jasmine’s homeland and #1 homey, Manny Pacquiao. And she, along with an army of pissed-off Pinoys, ain’t feelin’ that half-assed mea culpa he posted on Twitter.
OUR SOLUTION: Dick Cancer
NAME: The Shen Neng 1 Continue reading DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! 10 People And/Or Things We Hope Get Dick Cancer
Filed under: Adam Carolla Disses Manny Pacquiao, Akron OH Orientals, Anti-Abortion Crazies, Chinese Coal Ship Rams Great Barrier Reef, Cocks, Dick Cancer, Dickheads, Dicks, Disgrasians of the Weak, Father Joseph Palanivel Jeyapaul, Ginny Barber, Joey Lo, M. Night Shyamalan, North Korea, Orientals, Patrick Kim McDermott, Pricks, Shadows In the Cloud Hackers, Shen Neng 1, The Last Airbender, The Vatican, Tiki Barber, We Are Not Mascots Motherfucker