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KE$HA: Domo arigato, Mr. Tokyo! I love you all!!!
KE$HA’S HEADDRESS: Horrible. Just horrible. Please, let’s just go inside.
KE$HA: They love me! They love the $tatement I’m making!
KE$HA’s HEADDRESS: And what statement is that?
KE$HA: That Lady GaGa isn’t the only knockoff that can make it big this year.
KE$HA’S HEADDRESS: That’s it?
KE$HA: And my generation really does have new and innovative art to offer!
KE$HA’S HEADDRESS: Like what?
KE$HA: Durrr. Like 80′s jeans and hippie dresses and disco indie rock.
KE$HA’S HEADDRESS: AH.
Filed under: $hut Thi$ Chick'$ Face Up, Annoying People, Bad Singers, Death to Hipsters, Headdresses, Hip$ters, Hipsters, Hipsters are Hateful, Irony is for Hipsters, Japan, Ke$ha, Ke$ha Headdress, Kesha, MTV, MTV Video Awards, MTV Video Awards Japan, MTV Video Music Awards, MTV VMAJ, People That Should Not Be $uccessful In The Music Industry, People who replace the "S" in their names with $, Tokyo, Weird Popstar Behavior
The Hipster Grifter is in a particular ring of hell. And that hell has a name: Utah.
Last week, Kari Ferrell was charged with felony counts of identity fraud and passing bad checks in Salt Lake. So what, right? She did the crime, now she’s gotta do the time?
True dat. But the thing is, the Hipster Grifter’s hometown doesn’t get her. Nor, I imagine, does she get it, which maybe explains why she fled the state as soon as she
stole enough was able in order to seek refuge in Philly and Williamsburg with like-minded people, i.e. other people with giant tattoos, cool record collections, and a charming way with words.
When she was charged, the Salt Lake City Tribune reported:
“Kari Ferrell, who has been referred to by media outlets as the “Hipster Grifter,” was charged Thursday…“
“Who has been referred to by media outlets as the Hipster Grifter”? “Media outlets”? Did my dad write that sentence in-between grumpily grading exams? This is the kind of prose you lay on the girl who coined the term “mouth-handjobs” and dubbed herself “Korean Abdul-Jabbar”???
Sigh. Utah just don’t get you, Hipster Grifter. Once the legal dust has settled, go back to New York. You make sense there. You need it. And it needs you.
Normally, I scoff when a performer starts spouting bologna like, “What I really want to do is direct.”
But M.I.A. is special, y’know? She’s got vision, identity, real aesthetic. If lady wants to direct, the lady should direct! And she’s done that–the brash singer just unveiled her directorial debut, the music video for Rye Rye’s booty-shakin’, beat-tastic “Bang” (a track that also features M.I.A.’s vocal styling).
The spot is exactly as you might imagine: a glossed lo-fi homage to VHS, heavy with raw energy, physicality and retro neon spirit. It’s a throwback, to be sure, and not just one for the hipsters. Like the lady in the director’s chair, the vid couldn’t be more hot right now.
And so, we dance.
I like to think of myself as a game person who’s up for a lot of things, but there are a few things in life I’ve never tried that I’m really glad I haven’t. The reason being that these things, in one way or another, I associate with death.
- Roadkill for dinner
- Scrunchies in my hair
I have never worn a scrunchie in all of my [REDACTED] years on this not-so-green Earth. Not even to the gym. (Okay, okay, I never go to the gym either.) But a scrunchie has never touched a hair on my head and it never will. I don’t care what you say, American Apparel.
I don’t care how much T & A & Mounds-of-Crotch you throw at me. I don’t care how old this makes me sound (“I remember when they came out with scrunchies the first time around…honey, be a dear and hand me my teeth, will you?“). And I really don’t care that that this means I will continue to be judged through lowered, sloppily-mascaraed wall-eyes as someone who doesn’t “get it” by some 80 lb. airhead working the American Apparel cash register who subsists solely on a diet of vegan food, Parliaments, and bad spelling.
A few weeks ago, we made Kari Ferrell, aka The Hipster Grifter, DISGRASIAN of the Weak. We did so with some ambivalence, because, really, who gives a fuck if some chick ripped off a coupla hipsters? Especially when she was giving away mouth-handjobs to ‘em like ice cream during a summer day power outage?
The update to Kari is that early Monday morning, she turned herself in and is currently in police custody in Philly. But not before she set the record straight on Friday with ANIMAL, granting them a photo shoot and a video confessional, thus extending her 15 minutes of fame/muse-dom/memetic dominance/internet famous-ness/being the blogosphere’s darling:
Here’s what I love about this video:
- The girl with $60,000 in outstanding warrants–as a result of forged checks, bad checks, and retail theft–has the audacity to publicly chasten her former employer, Vice magazine, for the $200 they allegedly still owe her.
- Though she was an alt-nobody a few weeks ago, who entered public consciousness only because of that New York Observer profile written about her, she implies that the same paper who made the woman, the wo-myth, lacks journalistic integrity for not reaching her for comment.
- Then she gives a flirty “What’s up?” to Gawker as though she wants to give the blog which has given her the most press a mouth-handjob. Guess you can’t say homegirl’s totally ungrateful!
I don’t know about you, but I’m totally ready to let this crazazy chick–once she’s served her time, of course–crash on my couch, drink all my booze, and steal my iPhone, just to hear the charming, twisted, trisyllabic random shit that comes out of her mouth, true or untrue.
That is, so long as she stops posing for photos like this. (A samurai sword? Really?)
Filed under: Branding Geniuses, Crazy Bitches, Criminals, Death to Hipsters, Hipster Grifter Arrested, Hot Dogs, Internet Famous, Kari Farrell Hipster Grifter, Kari Ferrell, Memes, Mouth Handjobs, Samurai Swords
ALRIGHTY! And now I’ll resume patiently waiting for the entire hipster population on this planet to expire. (I know, I know… but who will buy all of the very-tiny t-shirts? We’ll figure that out later.)
It’s hard to believe the Observer story about Kari Ferrell, aka The Hipster Grifter, only broke two days ago. Since then, there have been Kari sightings in the hipster enclaves of Brooklyn and Philly, apology emails sent by Kari to Gawker and to people sympathetic to her sociopathic plight, self-consciously witty accounts of close encounters with Kari–“The lights went down and, almost instantly, her clammy hand made way for the Croatian Coast. Yes, right there, in the middle of a crowded theatre”–coming every which way out of the woodwork, to the point where one has to wonder if the post-grift grift is making up a story that begins with, “I knew Kari dot dot dot,” an extradition warrant for her arrest, and, of course…authentic Hipster Grifter merch!
In other words, Kari is still grifting us. Instead of stealing our money and our iPhones, she’s stealing our attention. But why? What makes this chick so fascinating? And isn’t that the key to understanding what kept her jig going for years and across several state lines when exposure was only a Google search away?
The most ludicrous theory attempting to explain why Kari managed to scam so many different people for so long despite the glaring inconsistencies in her money/cancer/psychotic ex/employment lies attributes her success to her being Asian (Korean, to be exact). While Asians are generally stereotyped as trustworthy (the fraud stories of Kari, Danny Pang, and those Chinese students buying their diplomas in France, all of which surfaced this week, may put a dint in that one, however), and some hipsters do have raging Asian fetishes, this little narrative convenience is completely fatuous. We’ve seen Asian fetishes rot many things–most notably a man’s appeal–but common sense and a healthy dose of skepticism across the board? Continually?
As Gawker’s already pointed out, Kari got away with her crimes because of her charm. She gave good email. (Her email signature? “Apologies for brevity and any blunders in spelling; this was sent from a fucking iPhone.” Cute cute cute.) She had an adorable haircut. She knew how to use the word “bloviate,” and she probably had the “right” record collection, as in “correct,” “current,” and “cool.” More importantly, she used sex to get what she wanted. She made it known that she liked to give “handjobs with her mouth” and to “throw (a guy’s) proverbial hot dog down her hallway.” Maybe her being Asian sweetened that deal with her young, male victims (read: eager participants in said-sex), but it didn’t seal it. The deal was already closed at that point.
Closed on a handjob instead of a handshake, most likely.
Feel kinda weird about how AZNs are ‘winning’ everything. Used to think that they were sort of a ‘novelty race’ who were just trying to look kute, but I think I was focusing one the wrong ones that didn’t actually represent the majority of the AZN population [via Gwen Stefani's AZNs].
And inspires more disaffected dreck like this:
Still not satire. Still not funny. But definitely foolish.
From time to time, we use satire to talk about race issues. Often we do so because life is so unfunny, it’s a joke. Or because the only way to get people to think about uncomfortable things is not to beat down the gates but to distract them with some kind of Trojan Horse. Other times, it’s simply the most expedient way to spit out the metallic taste of bile and blood that ignorance leaves in our mouth.
This week, Hipster Runoff, a satirical blog about all things “alt” and “authentic” (“What is the most authentic body part 2 do blow off of?”) that reveres hipsterdom while simultaneously underscoring how it’s just as full of mindless followers as the mainstream, published a post called “Should I h8 AZNs?” Here are a few excerpts:
Sad about the economic crisis, and how AZNs have been smarter than us about saving ‘money’ and only spending what they have. I think America is beautiful. We’ve had a good run, but maybe we’re not as special as we thought we were. Kinda sad. I still feel ‘cooler’ than a lot of foreigners, and like smarter…
Is it cool to ‘be better’ towards AZNs who live in America, or are they ‘one of us’? Or should we construct some ‘internment camps’ in the middle of the USA where we force all AZNs to live and do manual labor, even if they are respected within society? Not trying 2 be radical, just know that we have 2 hold some1 accountable for our crisis, and it might ‘unite’ our country if we single out a group of people who are responsible. Kinda like when they had 2 find communist actors in Hollywood.
I don’t really know much about China, except that they are ‘commie reds’, violate a lot of human rights, and pollute a lot. Learned that from the newspaper…
Should I h8 azns and hold them responsible for the destruction of my country?
Or should I move out of the USA and move to an authentic city like Paris/Beijing/Tokyo/Cairo?
There are several Hipster Runoff posts that begin similarly with a question–“Should I Vote?” or “Is it ALT 2 watch the Super Bowl?”–where the answer is patently obvious, and “Should I h8 AZNs?” was probably intended to fall into that category.
Unfortunately, “Should I h8 AZNs?” is not satire. It highlights a very real cultural anxiety and its attendant racist backlash without taking it to task in any substantive way. While some of the post’s defenders brand it as satire in the comments section, others take it for what it really is–license to be a dumbass:
lets kills all AZN males.
and all the AZN woman can clean are houses and get naked for us
when the end comes the asians and jews will be left to rule mwuahah
think maybe we should make the ayzns and mexicans and non alt girls slaves again
funny… i love AZNs love em. but thats a problem too.
it’s called reverse racism.
I love the bcoz their azns. with their petite frames and slanty eyes! amazing…
It’s a fettish.
even economic turmoil doesn’t stop me loving them.
A number of commenters on the post do protest that “Should I h8 AZNs?” crosses the line, but that’s precisely the problem. It doesn’t cross the line–the line into satire–it toes the line of reality. That China is taking over everything, and people are really fucking bitter about it. And it’s okay to turn our cultural anxieties about not being the Number One Superpower into outright xenophobia, and it’s acceptable to hate when you feel like somebody else is downsizing your dick.
If “Should I h8 AZNs?” had been satire, the answer to its central question would have been an obvious, resounding “no.” As it stands, the feeling you’re left with is far more murky and unclear. The post does nothing to dissuade the reader from saying “yes” to the question or from thinking that h8ing Asians is okay. The only thing that is clear to us after reading “Should I h8 AZNs?” is that these AZNs h8 Hipster Runoff.
Weren’t born with slanty-eyes but really really want them? Have no fear, slanties are here!
Based on “ancient Inuit eyewear,” slanties are sure to make you stand out among your round-eyed kinfolk! Although…
…they may just have the adverse effect and make you look like yet another useless hipster-cheesedick-stylebiter-turd-poseur-waste-of-space-and-humanity-and-barstools-at-watering-holes-I-used-to-like-to-drink-at in skinny jeans.
And the world needs more of those, really it does.
Thanks, Josh and Jasmine! Don’t be sad, Elizabeth!
Okay, so singer M.I.A. is a terrorist?
Last week, Sri Lankan rapper DeLon released a YouTube video of him rhyming over M.I.A.’s “Paper Planes” cut together with violent footage of suicide bombings and devastation wrought by the LTTE, aka the Tamil Tigers, a Sri Lankan secessionist organization recognized as a terrorist group by many countries, including the U.S. M.I.A.’s father, Arular (after whom her first album is named), is a Tamil militant and, apparently, she makes references to the Tamil Tigers’ struggle in some of her songs–a fact I’ve never noticed because I was too busy rockin’ to her beats.
I have to admit that I know virtually nothing about Sri Lankan history, and it seems like M.I.A.’s references–in her lyrics and the imagery she uses on stage–are more hipster pastiche than political. That said, I generally think it’s wack how the images of revolutionaries get co-opted by Western cool kids who fancy themselves “edgy” but could give two shits about what those revolutionaries actually did. And, every time I see a picture of Mao on a throw pillow or a shrunken T-shirt, I do want to beat the person who bought that crap with a stick.
And what should we make of these adorable old people, acting out “Paper Planes” with their grandchillun? Are they supporters of terrorism, too?
Picking up where Barack Obama Is Your New Bicycle left off comes Barack Obama Is Your New Fixie (if you have to ask what a “fixie” is, you are too old–that is to say, over the age of 25–not to mention deeply uncool). BOIYNF is for the hipster set and, rightfully, its sloganeering references all of the correct trappings, like Williamsburg, veganism, art school, and afterparties:
Filed under: American Apparel, Barack Obama Is Your New Bicycle, Barack Obama Is Your New Fixie, Death to Hipsters, Fixies, Libertards, People as Accessories, Slogans, We Don't Trust Vegans, Williamsburg