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So, there’s this Facebook app called “Asianate Yourself,” where you can make yourself Asian, which some people find offensive, especially since the app was created by a Hong Kong-based soy sauce company that should know better, but as people who came into this world already “Asianated,” can we just say that we totally get it?
I mean, if people wanna be us, I can’t blame them. If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em, right?
That said, the Asianate app sucks balls. For one thing, there’s nothing “Urban Asian” about sumo. Actually I have to admit that I don’t even know what “Urban Asian” means. Is that, like, as opposed to “Jungle Asian,” like Diana (yes, I know this is a slur but Diana’s owning it so maybe you should too)? Or is “Urban” the roundabout way of saying “Morbidly Obese” when applied to Asians, the way it’s the roundabout way of saying “Black” when applied to African-Americans?
And that’s the other thing. Why would you Asianate yourself right into Body Dysmorphic Disorder? Asianated people can’t deal with that shit. None of our Asianated aunties–who’d be the first to tell us at our family reunions we’ve gotten fat–would approve.
What they would approve of, however, is Asianating yourself into…
Our boyfriend Daniel Dae Kim!
Filed under: Advertising, Amoy Asianate Yourself Facebook App, Amoy Food Limited, Asianasian, Asianate Yourself Facebook App, Asianation, Bad Advertising, Bad Marketing Campaigns, Be Like Us, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, Daniel Dae Kim, Daniel Henney, Daniel Liu, DDK, Disgrasian Social Media, Disgrasian Technology, Facebook Apps, Hot Asian Men, Racial Drag, Sumo Wrestlers, Sumo Wrestling
In the years since leaving my old development job at a reality television company by saying, “This genre just insults my brain and I can’t do it anymore,” I’ve become a bit of a reality junkie. Funny.
I still don’t watch Survivor or Amazing Race or anything like that, but I never miss an episode of Celebrity Rehab/Sex Rehab/Sober House/Celebrity Addiction Show Rehab* with Dr. Drew. I cry during reruns of Say Yes To The Dress. I actually threw something at the TV in protest of the injustice displayed in the latest Tool Academy graduation ceremony. I flipped my lid when I met Tim Gunn. I entered a contest to appear on Man Vs. Wild. I’ve watched every Kitchen Nightmares episode–both the awesome British and wacked-out American versions–three times over.
Most reality show talent (not Tim Gunn, for crying out loud, but the sub-average Joes and Janes willing to sacrifice dignity and privacy for a toxic 15 minutes of fame) are hard to look at. It’s trainwrecks doing tequila shots with even ickier trainwrecks, or former teen idols past their prime, or narcissistic celebrities trying to revamp their image–y’know, the intolerable rep cultivated on another reality show.
So when I read on Figgy and Fatty that Daniel Henney was starring in his own reality show for Korean TV, I gasped a worried gasp. Had he sold himself short? Is the beautiful and nummy Daniel Henney a trainwreck??
Filed under: Amazing Race, Boyfriends, Celebrity Rehab, Daniel Henney, Daniel Henney Photos, Daniel Henny Goes Outback, Dr. Drew, Fantasy Guys, Gorgeous People, Hapa, Hot Asian Men, Hot Bodies, Kitchen Nightmares, Korean Reality TV Shows, Oh How I Would Love To Be That T-Shirt, Reality TV, Say Yes To The Dress, Smoking Hotness, So Fine, Survivor, Tool Academy, Trainwrecks, Well Done
OMGOMGOMGOMG. Daniel Henney is coming over to MY house!!! No, seriously, ferreal. OMG. What should I do? More importantly, what should I wear? Something kinda casual, maybe, but paired with some strappy, devastating fuck-me shoes? Don’t want to appear desperate. BUT I AM DESPERATE DANIEL HENNEY LET ME LICK YOUR FACE. Okay, breathe. Do you think Daniel Henney likes risotto? I’ve been making a mean risotto lately. But, wait, what am I saying? He’s an actor. Actors don’t do carbs. Hmm. Maybe we skip dinner altogether then and go straight to making out? Yes, please! Hopefully he’s not one of those pretty boy actors who wants to be taken seriously and appreciated for his mind. No, really, that won’t do. I’M NOT HERE TO TALK PROUST DANIEL HENNEY I’M HERE TO WATCH YOU TAKE OFF YOUR PANTS GOT IT? (Oh please, Lord, let him be shallow and sex-starved, please, I don’t even care if he’s an awful lover like most ridiculously hot guys, I just want to see him naked.) Now, uh, where was I? Oh, right…DANIEL HENNEY IS COMING TO MY HOUSE. I better go and get ready. Trim my bangs, buy a magnum of decent red Burgundy and some Votivo red currant candles, dig up my nice underwear, maybe get a bikini wax, and definitely pop a Xanax. Yes, I think I can handle this. I can handle DANIEL FUCKING HENNEY coming over to my house, and I can play it cool. Or cool-ish. In the vicinity of cool, maybe, like the center of a medium-rare steak. We’ll see, no guarantees. Wish me luck!
I just saw the X-Men Origins: Wolverine trailer in a theater this week, and, as that skenny betch Rachel Zoe would say, I die. Is there a better superantihero than Wolverine? I doubt it. I love his scissorhands, those mutton chops, those totally absurd muscles.
An added bonus: Daniel Henney in his American film debut as David North/Agent Zero.
I die. Again.
Buddy. Hey. I’m super sorry to hear that you and your little sisters were taken away from your Mommy and Daddy. I know you are probably feeling sad. I know you are. Yesterday, you were eating delicious Wal-Mart birthday cake. Today, you are a bit of an orphan. It’s scary! But don’t worry, little man, it’ll be okay.
Right now you might be thinking that some “bad people”–maybe grownups around you are calling them “the State”–stormed in and stole you from your good-looking (see right), smart, loving parents. I can understand that. But honey pie, the thing is, your parents are not cool people. I’m not going to call them assholes (or did I just?), as I’m prone to do when referring to bad, bigoted parents, but dude: they are really lame, awful, folks.
With a name like “Adolf Hitler,” I promise you the fast track to a very unrewarding, unfulfilled, beatup-laden life. I’m not saying that you would ever lay a finger on anybody, tiny guy. But I can name a few that wouldn’t be so nice to you. Your namesake is the King of Monsters, the closest actual person I’ve ever been able to attribute the fabled qualities of Satan to. Satan is bad, right? You don’t want a name like that, do you? I didn’t think so.
So here’s my advice. It looks like you’re getting a clean start here. Perhaps you’ll end up in a nice home with some really sweet, pretty, new parents–the kind that shower and shop at Target! Maybe they’ll cut your hair so that your neighbors aren’t flippantly calling you white trash, and perhaps they’ll even clothe you in cute little outfits (like the little bear costume I intend to buy Jen’s future offspring). While you’re at it, I suggest you change your name! Although Diana and Jen are my favorite names in the world besides Chaka Khan, rocking those chick names would probably get your rump whooped as well–so how about Daniel? Daniel is the name of hot guys like Daniel Henney and Daniel Dae Kim. And why not set yourself up to be a “hot guy?” It’s so much better than being poised as an Antichrist.
Call me if you have any questions!
Filed under: Adolf Hitler Campbell, Bad Baby Names, Bad Hair All Around, Clean Starts, Daniel Dae Kim, Daniel Henney, Deborah Campbell, Heath Campbell, Nazis, Showering, Target, Wal-Mart Sucks, White Trash
Daniel Henney took home another trophy–other than hizz bad self–for Best New Actor at the 6th Korean Film Awards, held in Seoul this past weekend. Here he is walking the red carpet, reminding me of a young Elvis Presley:
[swoon and pass out]
Occupation: Actor and model
Why He’s a Babe: Cuz in a series of commercials the Korean-American Henney filmed with Gwyneth Paltrow, he made her look like a bowl of oatmeal. Cuz he just won Best New Actor at South Korea’s Blue Dragon awards for his role in “My Father.” Cuz, well, for god’s sake, just look at him.