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So, there’s this Facebook app called “Asianate Yourself,” where you can make yourself Asian, which some people find offensive, especially since the app was created by a Hong Kong-based soy sauce company that should know better, but as people who came into this world already “Asianated,” can we just say that we totally get it?
I mean, if people wanna be us, I can’t blame them. If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em, right?
That said, the Asianate app sucks balls. For one thing, there’s nothing “Urban Asian” about sumo. Actually I have to admit that I don’t even know what “Urban Asian” means. Is that, like, as opposed to “Jungle Asian,” like Diana (yes, I know this is a slur but Diana’s owning it so maybe you should too)? Or is “Urban” the roundabout way of saying “Morbidly Obese” when applied to Asians, the way it’s the roundabout way of saying “Black” when applied to African-Americans?
And that’s the other thing. Why would you Asianate yourself right into Body Dysmorphic Disorder? Asianated people can’t deal with that shit. None of our Asianated aunties–who’d be the first to tell us at our family reunions we’ve gotten fat–would approve.
What they would approve of, however, is Asianating yourself into…
Our boyfriend Daniel Dae Kim!
Filed under: Advertising, Amoy Asianate Yourself Facebook App, Amoy Food Limited, Asianasian, Asianate Yourself Facebook App, Asianation, Bad Advertising, Bad Marketing Campaigns, Be Like Us, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, Daniel Dae Kim, Daniel Henney, Daniel Liu, DDK, Disgrasian Social Media, Disgrasian Technology, Facebook Apps, Hot Asian Men, Racial Drag, Sumo Wrestlers, Sumo Wrestling
The Hawaii Five-O reboot debuts in less than three weeks, and the billboards are EVERYWHERRRE. The first one caught my eye, though, mostly because it made no sense whatsoever:
How you gonna stick the hotties in the back and the uglies up front? (Upon further investigation, Alex O’Loughlin, who’s front and center, is pretty cute, but in that ad you can’t tell and, moreover, it looks like he just ate a bad burrito filled with rancid goat meat.)
At least our boyfriend Daniel Dae Kim is holding a nice, thick, um, shotgun.
The second show billboard, however, is like Baby Bear’s bed: just right.
Here’s hoping the show takes place entirely during Hawaii’s rainy season!
Okay. Let me get this straight. I spent 6 seasons watching Lost, patiently waiting for all to be revealed, only to discover that:
2) And this guy with the awesome, island-humidified Jheri Curl who we also thought was dead–not once, but twice–is also actually [SPOILER ALERT] really dead?
3) And this crazazy chick, who gave birth on the island during season 1, who we thought Continue reading The Lost Finale: Everyone’s Really Really Really, Like, For Seriously, Dead
Filed under: Daniel Dae Kim, Disappointing Series Finales, I See Dead People, Jin Kwon, John Locke, Lost, Lost Final Episode, Lost finale, Lost Series Finale, Maggie Grace, Mysteries Revealed, Purgatory, Sayid
I realized as I was watching Lost‘s “previously on” at the start of last night’s episode that I’ve been suffering from TV-PTSD–that’s Post Traumatic Stress Disorder brought on by something awful you’ve seen on TV that you actually and pathetically believe is real–the awful thing, of course, being Jin and Sun’s deaths in that sinking sub two weeks back.
Is anyone else still pissed that among Jin’s last words to Sun were “I won’t leave you” and then the final shot of them is their cold dead hands drifting away from–i.e. leaving–one another?
Did anyone else want Hurley or Jack to die instead, because they both fuckin’ bug?
Is anyone else worried about what’s going to happen to Ji Yeon, Jin and Sun’s baby daughter?
Like, is she going to an orphanage?
Or will Sun’s mean Hardass Asian Dad raise her?
Or, worse yet, will Katherine Heigl adopt her and raise her to become a Hollywood princess d-bag???
The show since has been as dead to me as Jin and Sun’s cold, parting hands, and in my Continue reading About Lost Night
Filed under: Adoption is the New Black, Daniel Dae Kim, Jacob, Ji Yeon, Jin and Sun Kwon, Jin Kwon, Jin-Soo Kwon, Katherine Heigl, Korean People On TV, Lost, One Hour Dramas, Our Boyfriend Daniel Dae Kim, Smoke Monster, Sun Hwa-Kwon, Sun Kwon, TV Couples, Yunjin Kim
We’ve got a long history of knowing stalking Lynn Chen, an actress whose excessive beauty makes us want to rip our eyeballs out (Seriously, who in this world has got a cuter frown/smile? If such a person exists we need to take them down, too).
It looks like we shouldn’t only be threatened by her looks. She’s moving in on all fronts. Did y’all realize she blogs, too? Her blog with longtime friend and fellow actress Christy Meyers (also f’ing cute) is called The Actor’s Diet, and in it both ladies charmingly detail the way they eat (And no, they don’t write “just barf” in every post). Oh REALLY, Lynn? You think just ANYone can start a blog with their good friend that they eat/drink/gossip with all the time, just because, filling the blogoverse with sassy girlfriend chatter? HUH? Okay yeah, you can. Anybody can, really. So what?
NOW SHE’S MOVING IN OUR BOYFRIEND.
Filed under: Audio Flirting, Beautiful Ladies, Boyfriends, Daniel Dae Kim, DDK, Everything Acting, Gorgeous Faces, Hot Chicks, Interviews, LA Correspondent, Lynn Chen, Lynn Chen Interviews Daniel Dae Kim, Lynn Chen Is Too Pretty, Moving In On Our Man, People On Our Hit List, People That Threaten Us, Podcasts, Stalking Lynn Chen, The Actor's Diet
We just learned that Grace Park will join the Embodiment of Sex (Daniel Dae Kim), in the cast of the forthcoming CBS redux of Hawaii Five-O.
Grace Park. DDK. Tropical climes. Bathing suits. Every week. In my living room.
Excuse me, please. I think I just wet myself.
Filed under: Battlestar Galactica, Beautiful People, Boyfriends, CBS, Daniel Dae Kim, Daniel Dae Kim is a God, DDK, Extra Panties, Fantasy Couples, Grace Park, Hawaii Five-O, Holy Shit, Jen's Boyfriend, Porn, Unbelievably Gorgeous Casts
Name: Daniel Dae Kim aka DDK aka our Jen’s boyfriend
Occupation: Actor, Restaurant Owner
Hails from: Hawaii via Pennsylvania (via South Korea)
Known for: Making us quiver with love tingles. We like the way he votes, the way he eats, the way he drives (kidding), ooooooohlala obviously the way he looks–and of course, how brilliantly he acts. Praise be the person who finalized DDK’s deal as a principal in CBS’s Continue reading AMAZIAN OF THE WEEK! Daniel Dae Kim
Guys, I’m moving to Hawaii. I’m leaving to go eat tiny, delicious hamburger sliders at The Counter. That is, The Counter in Honolulu, Hawaii. If anyone wants my place here in LA, It’s got a ridiculous simultaneous view of Downtown and the Hollywood sign, two avocado trees, two orange trees, an expansive yard, and (sadly) a very annoying neighbor.
Why move, you ask? I just like burgers.
Either that, or I just like first-time restaurateurs:
Filed under: Aloha, Celebrity Restaurants, Daniel Dae Kim, Delicious Things, Hamburgers, Honolulu, Hot Asian Men, I'm Moving Out, Later Skaters, Los Angeles, Lost Stars, New Business Ventures, The Counter, Yum
Buddy. Hey. I’m super sorry to hear that you and your little sisters were taken away from your Mommy and Daddy. I know you are probably feeling sad. I know you are. Yesterday, you were eating delicious Wal-Mart birthday cake. Today, you are a bit of an orphan. It’s scary! But don’t worry, little man, it’ll be okay.
Right now you might be thinking that some “bad people”–maybe grownups around you are calling them “the State”–stormed in and stole you from your good-looking (see right), smart, loving parents. I can understand that. But honey pie, the thing is, your parents are not cool people. I’m not going to call them assholes (or did I just?), as I’m prone to do when referring to bad, bigoted parents, but dude: they are really lame, awful, folks.
With a name like “Adolf Hitler,” I promise you the fast track to a very unrewarding, unfulfilled, beatup-laden life. I’m not saying that you would ever lay a finger on anybody, tiny guy. But I can name a few that wouldn’t be so nice to you. Your namesake is the King of Monsters, the closest actual person I’ve ever been able to attribute the fabled qualities of Satan to. Satan is bad, right? You don’t want a name like that, do you? I didn’t think so.
So here’s my advice. It looks like you’re getting a clean start here. Perhaps you’ll end up in a nice home with some really sweet, pretty, new parents–the kind that shower and shop at Target! Maybe they’ll cut your hair so that your neighbors aren’t flippantly calling you white trash, and perhaps they’ll even clothe you in cute little outfits (like the little bear costume I intend to buy Jen’s future offspring). While you’re at it, I suggest you change your name! Although Diana and Jen are my favorite names in the world besides Chaka Khan, rocking those chick names would probably get your rump whooped as well–so how about Daniel? Daniel is the name of hot guys like Daniel Henney and Daniel Dae Kim. And why not set yourself up to be a “hot guy?” It’s so much better than being poised as an Antichrist.
Call me if you have any questions!
Filed under: Adolf Hitler Campbell, Bad Baby Names, Bad Hair All Around, Clean Starts, Daniel Dae Kim, Daniel Henney, Deborah Campbell, Heath Campbell, Nazis, Showering, Target, Wal-Mart Sucks, White Trash
Awww, hell no.
We heard that you may have been hexed by the Lost cast’s curse of DUI busts last night. Hey! Don’t worry– we aren’t judging you. It happens to the best of us, and we’ve already written a list of other people/things to blame (let us know if you want to see it).
Anyway, next time you’re feeling too tipsy to drive, please PLEASE just call Jen. She and/or I will be happy to come pick you up and we’re only a 4-hour flight across the Pacific from your Hawaii set. There might have to be a night spent, or whatever, but we’ll discuss that when the time comes.
Diana (aka your girlfriend’s friend)
P.S. Please wear shirts less. Thanks.
Happy Birthday, your Holy Hotness. And thank you for bringing dignity and dimension to every role you play. When is Hollywood going to wake up to the fact that you’re a leading man? Until then, you’re MINE, I mean, uh, ours. We’re throwing you a party on Saturday at DISGRASIAN HQ with streamers, cake, and sex toys…I mean, presents.