You are currently browsing posts tagged with Daisuke Matsuzaka


May 4th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Name: Seibu Dome

Location: Saitama, Japan

Occupation: Home to the Seibu Lions, a professional baseball team in Japan

Known for: Its exquisite toilets. Daisuke Matsuzaka pitched eight years for the Seibu Lions, and when he signed with the Red Sox in 2007, Boston had to fork over $51 mil to the Saitama-based team (another $52 mil went to Dice-K, putting the total cost of acquiring the Japanese pitcher at $103 million). Because Seibu Dome, the Lions’ ballpark, was considered “the worst stadium in Japan,” the organization decided to spend the money earned from that deal on major upgrades to the stadium, which included, most remarkably, installing top-of-the-line TOTO toilets in its restrooms. Each stall in its women’s rooms boasts a $1,500 TOTO Washlet (whose marketing slogan is “Clean is Happy”), which is a toilet and bidet-in-one with a built-in seat warmer. Now, you might think it strange that we named a ballpark AOTW, but if you’ve ever sat on one of these babies (pictured below), and if you’ve spent any time at all in other ballpark bathrooms, you bet your warm, clean ass you’d know why.

[NY Times: Seibu Lions’ Porcelain and Plastic Memorial to Matsuzaka: Plush Bathrooms]


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October 8th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Well. It’s official. The Sox pitching rotation for the ALCS, which begins Friday, is set, and Dice-K will be starting Game 1. I’m both incredibly psyched and incredibly about-to-shit-my-pants. Dice-K, despite his awesome winning record this season, walks way too many batters. My baseball-watching comfort zone is insufficient to tolerate Dice-K’s putting-men-on-base-all-the-time steez (which has earned him the nickname “Dice-BB”); that is to say, it is close to nil. We either have to have an insurmountable lead or our pitcher needs to be totally shutting down the opposing team’s batters or else I’m splayed out on the floor, mumbling to myself, Xanax? Scotch? Xanax? Scotch? Xanax and Scotch? Not that Josh Beckett, who starts Game 2, is in better shape to kick things off. Every year I vow to swear off sports entirely because of moments like this. I know, I know…Shut up and pull it together, this is unbecoming. It’s not very Asian of me to say this–an appropriate response would be “Fuckin’ A, I’ve got my shit together” or “It’s in the bag”–but all I can offer at the moment is I. Will. Try.


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SPORTS ILLUSTRASIAN: Love Means Sometimes Having to Say You’re Sorry

March 27th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

A real man knows how to say he’s sorry, which is exactly what Dice-K did after a shaky, 5-inning homecoming on Opening Day in Tokyo. “I’d like to apologize to all the fans who turned out today and wanted to see me go deep into the game,” he said. Matsuzaka also apologized to Terry “Tito” Francona for arguing with him when the Red Sox manager took the Japanese pitcher out of the game.

Not that he needed to say he was sorry. Sure, he had a lackluster outing in front of a hometown crowd, but pitchers have lackluster outings. Making this gesture to the fans, however, is so rare and so special, and is yet another reason why I. LOVE. DICE. K.


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March 17th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Early Arrivals

True story: my mom pushed up my birth date so that she could attend my dad’s PhD ceremony. She told a little white lie about being in labor to our family doctor, was admitted to the hospital, and I was induced shortly thereafter, weighing in at a healthy 7+ pounds. A week of so later, I was tucked in the crook of her arm, watching my dad glide across a stage in a cap and gown, christened at the start into the religion of higher learning.

I couldn’t help thinking of this story when I heard that Daisuke Matsuzaka and his wife Tomoyo inserted Baby Dice, a boy weighing 6 pounds, 10 ounces, into the starting lineup on Saturday. Congratulasians, Matsuzakas!

The baby’s original due date had been March 19, the day the Red Sox fly to Tokyo for their season opener against the A’s. “(I)f Matsuzaka’s new baby interferes with the team’s trip to Japan,” reported, and with Beckett and Schilling injured, the team would have started Jon Lester in the first game. With all due respect to Honorasian Jon Lester…Jon Lester?!? But, fortunately for Red Sox Nasian, Baby Dice came early, Daddy Dice was named the opening day starter this morning, and all of Japan’s chowderheads heaved a huge sigh of relief.

Was it killer timing? Divine intervention from the baseball gods? I think I’m going to have to consult Moms on this one.

“I’m Alive, Uh Uh, So Alive”

Dude. I watched so much b-ball this weekend, I feel like my eyes are still dribbling. Without a doubt, the most exciting game for me was watching the Houston Rockets take down the L.A. Fakers. By beating L.A., with whom they were tied for first place in the Western Conference, the Rockets also extended their winning streak to 22-0, 10-0 sans Yao, who’s out for the season with a foot fracture. This is the second-longest streak in NBA history. You may remember that I predicted the Rockets, who were in 10th place when Yao got injured, would fall apart without him. Color me corrected! Tomorrow night, Houston faces the Boston Celtics and the best record in the NBA. We will rock you, KG!!!


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DaisuNike MatShoezaka

January 21st, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Sneaker News reported over the weekend that Nike and Boston Red Sox pitcher Daisuke Matsuzaka have collaborated on an Air Force 1 sneaker, soon to be available to the public. The shoe is made of pony hair and leather designed to look like dragon scales. A dragon in the form of Dice-K’s number “18″ decorates the heel of the shoe. It’s definitely a shoe for big boys (and girls).

Click here to pre-order Dice-K’s sneaks so you can get to stompin’ in your Airrr Force 1′s.


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October 30th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Congratulasians to the Boston Red Sox on sweeping the World Series! Enjoy your victory parade today; it’s well-deserved. It was an up-and-down season, what with the addition of new players, the Yankees sucking then chasing your tails, and that nail-biter of an ALCS. I, more than anything, am relieved it’s over.

I had the good fortune of attending Game 3 of the World Series in Denver, thanks to our friend Jess and a Rockies fan willing to unload her tickets at a merciful price. I was there from the time the Coors Field gates opened and in a pinch-me daze for the next 8 hours. I am at the World Series, and the Sox are up 2-0. It didn’t seem real.

During batting practice, I hustled my way over to where the pitchers were warming up and got really close.

I took several photos of reliever Mike Timlin, my baseball Jake Ryan, i.e. I want him to be my boyfriend and he doesn’t know I exist. Dice-K was starting that night, so his warm-up routine was pretty much him sticking his juicy badonkadonk out to stretch and then doing some sprints by himself. Hideki Okajima was throwing lightly next to him. I was so close, I could see the whiskers on his chin.

After about a half hour, most of the pitchers dispersed, and Hideki was the only player who stopped to sign autographs. Anticipating this very moment, I had bought a Sharpie outside the stadium for 5 dollars. I had nothing to sign, but I was going to present the sleeve of my shirt. What could be better than Hideki Okajima’s signature on my shirt sleeve?!?

He signed the brats’ kids’ balls first, and then he even got to the grizzled, emphysematic, professional autograph hounds who were probably going to sell that shit on Ebay from their crackberries at the game. This group of skeezy men kept yelling “Okajima! Okajima!” while I stuck out that Sharpie and said in my girly voice, “Hidekiiiiiii! Hidekiiiiii!” And then a hilarious conversation ensued.

SKEEZY OLD MAN #1: His name is Okajima.

ME: Uh-huh.

SKEEZY OLD MAN #2: You’re right. His name is Okajima. Right?

SKEEZY OLD MAN #1: I’m pretty sure his name is Okajima.

ME: His name IS Okajima.

SKEEZY OLD MAN #1: That’s what I’m saying.

ME: Sweet Christ. His first name is Hideki. His last name is Okajima.

SKEEZY OLD MAN #2: Really? His name is…Hideki…and…Okajima? Huh.

SKEEZY OLD MAN #3: Well, I mean, she would know.

Oh right. I would know, because…well, who cared? I was THIS CLOSE to Hideki. He signed a person’s ball to my right. He signed one of the Skeezy Old Men’s World Series tickets. I was definitely next. I extended the Sharpie. Would he think it was weird to sign my shirt? I tried to remember what little Japanese I knew…it did not include the words “Sign my shirt, please.”

And then, at that moment, without a word, Hideki gave the crowd a little wave and…walked away. WHAAAT?

I almost cried. I almost pulled a Marie Osmond and dropped lifeless to the concrete steps. I haven’t wanted an autograph that badly since I chased this poor semi-famous gymnast through a Limited Express in the 8th grade. None of this personal drama really had an impact on the game, which the Sox won 10-5. It was closer than the final score would make it seem, however. The Sox went up 6-0 in the 3rd, but by the time they brought in Okajima in the 7th, it was 6-2 and there were two men on.

Okajima’s first pitch? Slammed for a three-run homer. Suddenly the score was 6-5. And the next night, he gave up a a two-run homer, making it a one-run game again. Things turned out fine in the end, but I can’t help thinking that IF HE HAD SIGNED MY DAMN SHIRT SLEEVE, dare I say, my magic shirt sleeve, things might have worked out better (and, no, Sox faithful, I did not put a curse on him, though I toyed oh-so-briefly with the idea out of shallow bitterness).

In related news, Japan is proud of Dice-K again, after his Game 3 win. Well, sort of.


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AMAZIANS OF THE WEEK! Daisuke Matsuzaka & Hideki Okajima

October 22nd, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Names: Daisuke “Dice-K” Matsuzaka & Hideki “Okie” Okajima

Occupation: Boston Red Sox Aces and 2007 American League Champs

Dice-K recovered from the private pity party he had in front of his locker after losing Game 3 of the ALCS and letting down two countries–Japan and Red Sox Nation–to preserve a one-run lead for Boston through 5, while Okie stretched his set-up skillz through 2+ innings to propel the Sawx to the World Series once again (with massive help from Rookie of the Year candidate Dustin Pedroia and untouchable closer Jonathan Papelbon, of course).

It wasn’t perfect, and it sure as shit wasn’t pretty, but winning isn’t always an art form, is it?


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SPORTS ILLUSTRASIAN: Hardass Asian Parent-Countries

October 16th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

My dear friend Mimi, who is Japanese-American, came to visit from New York this weekend, and we had the pleasure of taking in Game 1 of the ALCS together, when the Red Sox spanked the Indians, 10-3. The subject of Daisuke “Sir Dice-A-Lot” Matsuzaka came up, and Mimi told me that her mother, a delightful woman but a Hardass Asian Parent nevertheless–who was disappointed when Mimi didn’t get into Harvard years ago and had to settle for…gasp!…Yale–was “ashamed” of Dice-K and his lackluster season.

ME: Does your mom know Dice-K?


ME: Does your mom even watch baseball?

MIMI: (laughing) No!

I can only imagine how Mimi’s mother feels today, after Dice-K blew Game 3 last night, throwing only 4 2/3 innings and giving up 4 runs. The final score was 4-2, Indians. All of Japan, in fact, is probably feeling the shame of Dice-K’s failure, as evidenced by this AFP story, “Boston’s Matsuzaka disappoints fans in Japan”:

“Matsuzaka retreated to the bench like a boxer who was battered and had to throw in the towel,” the [Mainichi Shimbun] said.

“He threw a total of 101 pitches. Only three Indian batters attempted to hit his first pitch. They waited patiently for Matsuzaka to implode,” the Asahi Shimbun said.

Jeez. It’s like having a whole country of Hardass Asian Parents watching and, more importantly, disapproving of your every move. Who wouldn’t cave under this kind of pressure?

And it’s probably safe to say that there’s no one who feels more ashamed of Dice-K right now than Dice-K. Sure, the Sox paid $103 mil to get him over here, and finishing the regular season 15-12 with a 4.40 ERA is nothing to write home about. But he’s in a totally different league this year (li-trally and metaphorically), he’s pitched more games than he did with the Seibu Lions, and his arm is just plain worn out. Plus he plays in Boston, which has its own Shame Microscope, reserved especially for Red Sox players who underperform (J.D. Drew, anyone?) to go under.

Dice-K’s finished for the season. I suspect that he will return next year with his full arsenal of pitches (rumors are that he is capable of 8 or 9 different ones) and rock people’s shit. For now, Japan and Boston…take a fucking chill pill. And the Red Sox organization? My armchair managerial advice is to keep any and all sharp objects away from the kid.


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September 13th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Happy 27th Birthday, Daisuke Matsuzaka! We hope this year is filled with many more triumphs for your fiery pitching arm.


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May 15th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

The Sports Round-up for Round-Eyes, Slant-Eyes, and Everyone In-Between

1. Lost in Translasian
Ching-Chong O’Neal made his debut last night on TNT’s post-game show, Inside the NBA. Apparently, we’re not the only ones who think that everything coming out of his mouth is inscrutable.

2. Cuz Tramps Like Us, Baby We Were Born to Run
After the Houston Rockets were eliminated from the playoffs last week, Yao Ming expressed a desire to train with retired Rockets center Hakeem Olajuwon in the off-season. No disrepect to the Dream, his two championship rings, and Phi Slamma Jamma, but, as a long-suffering Rockets fan, I must reiterate…Yao Ming’s off-season priorities in the twilight of dominant-center basketball? Running. With. Cheetahs.

3. Being Japanese Means Wearing a Dishtowel on Your Head
Great news for your Inner Samurai: Red Sox pitcher Daisuke “Sir Dice-A-Lot” Matsuzaka pitched his first complete game this week, silencing critics who think the Japanese ace’s stuff may not live up to the hype.

4. Big (Cheap) Shot Bob
During Game 4 last night between the San Antonio Spurs and the Phoenix Suns, Robert “Big Shot Bob” Horry leveled Steve Nash on a fastbreak, knocking the Canadian point guard into the scorers’ table. Horry was ejected and suspended 2 games for the hit.

Oh, Bob. I’ve loved you, I’ve hated you, and I’m pretty sure we’re in a one-sided abusive relationship. (You abuse, I hurt, you have no idea.)

Your uncanny ability to do nothing through 3 1/2 quarters while looking completely baked, only to drain a three-pointer late in the 4th to win, will baffle mankind for all eternity. How is it that you have as many championship rings as MJ? How is it that you make over $3 mil a year when you play about 6 minutes a game? Do you have mad skillz or are you just the luckiest bastard on earth?

Bob Horry with Not Us

Source: TNT Source Source Source

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April 24th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

The Sports Round-up for Round-Eyes, Slant-Eyes, and Everyone In-Between

1. RIP, David Halberstam
Writer/historian David Halberstam was killed in a car accident yesterday in Northern California. Our deepest condolences go out to his family. I’m going to miss Halberstam’s wholly original take on sports, his dismissiveness of cliches and accepted truths when it came to superstar athletes, and the cranky, contrarian humanity he brought to watching the game.

2. 2 IS FOR 2-0
The Houston Rockets took a 2-0 lead over the Utah Jazz in their first-round playoff series.

“In your face, Boozer! I’m sorry, your name is Boozer? I was named after a King. Booyao!

3. Yin and Yang Get It Up the Yinyang Courtesy of the Phoenix Suns

“Bryant Fades As Suns Take Down Lakers”–WHAT?!? SHOCKER! LIES!! STOP HATING ON KOBE!!!

Game 2 tipoff is at 7:30 pm on TNT.

4. 4 Is the Magic Number
History was made Sunday at Fenway when the Red Sox beat the Yankees 7-6, sweeping the series. It was not Daisuke “Sir Dice-A-Lot” Matsuzaka’s best outing, but he was bailed out by teammates Manny Ramirez, J.D. Drew, Mike Lowell, and Jason Varitek, who all homered one after the other in the 3rd.

4 CONSECUTIVE HOMERS off ONE PITCHER–that’s happened one other time in MLB history. Some mathletes have calculated there’s a 1 in 1.4 million chance of us seeing it again. Chase Wright, the Yanks pitcher who got rocked, was sent down to the minors the very next day. Nice knowing ya!

5. One To Watch
This past weekend, 18 year-old, Chinese-American tennis player Vania King clinched a spot for the U.S. in the Fed Cup semis, subbing for an injured Serena Williams. Go Vania! Kick ass and take names!

Source Source Source Source

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Damn You, Gawker

April 17th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

While I was busy this morning trolling the news for really IMPORTANT stuff about Kimora Lee Simmons and Jessica Biel, Gawker totally stole our Disgrasian thunder:

Well done, Gawker.

The New York Times story that Gawker was referring to is about Japanese baseball players receiving day-to-day bonuses called “fight money” from their managers based on their performance in a win. Not all of the gifts, apparently, are limited to cashish.

“Daisuke Matsuzaka of the Red Sox played the previous eight seasons for the Seibu Lions, who did not use fight money. He often received stuffed animals and sets of towels from sponsors.”

Stuffed animals?!? Not again. Christ.

Okay. Listen up, my Asian brethren. WE GOTS TO STOP WITH THE STUFFED ANIMAL FETISH. No, seriously. Step away from the plushie and get yourself in a program today. I will be your sponsor. You can do it.

(special thanks to Matt M. for the heads-up!)

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