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Dickflashers United

August 5th, 2011 | 6 comments | Posted by Diana

The first time I was flashed by someone’s unsolicited penis, I was 12. My female cousin and I were sitting at an outdoor table on the patio of a little French-Vietnamese cafe, eating cake, giggling, likely talking about floral skirts or boys. In the middle of a sentence, I noticed a man about five yards away, standing at his bicycle. “Yuck,” I said to my cousin. “That old  guy’s staring at us.”

“What guy?” she asked.

“Uh, the weird old guy over there standing at his bike,” I muttered under my breath. “Don’t look, don’t look, he’ll see–”

She turned unsubtly to look. I took another glance then, too, what the hell.

Undisturbed, the bike man kept staring at us. I immediately retreated from the eye contact and dropped my gaze… down… to… his limp penis, which was hanging out of the open zipper in his pants, the tip resting weirdly on the top tube of the bike frame.

Dirty, I thought, referring to both the tip-touched bike frame and the perv.

I was nervous and wanted to escape. She, thankfully, hadn’t taken in the whole picture yet. I spoke through my teeth, code-speaking a plan to get back inside to the safety of the cafe and its brightly-lit bakery case, and she followed me despite her confusion. We hid inside as he tucked his worm back in and pedaled away, then ran back to where we’d left our parents.

In the decades since, I’ve probably glimpsed about ten more strangers’ penises that I never wanted to see. Some silently shown, some being wanked, some flaccid, some less so, all hideous–because frankly, there’s nothing more hideous than an unsolicited penis.

Which is why I wish I had the nards to create a fake membership and start digging around on Dickflash.com, a forum for people that love to, uh, flash their dicks to strangers (and a couple of hanger-on basic exhibitionists), which Jezebel’s Irin Carmon kindly infiltrated and investigated earlier this week. Continue reading Dickflashers United

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Hell Hath No Fury Like A Woman That Wants To Cut Your D*ck Off

July 14th, 2011 | 13 comments | Posted by Diana

DIANA: OMG, JEN. OMG. Did you hear about that jungle Asian lady in OC that chopped her estranged husband’s dick off and threw it in the garbage disposal? Er, allegedly?

JEN: Diana, everyone‘s heard about Catherine Kieu Becker! She’s the Dick Disposer!

DIANA: I thought of you, you know. As soon as I read the story, I thought of you.

JEN: Because I’ll cut your goddamn dick off if you fuck with me?

DIANA: Well, yeah.

JEN: That’s so sweet.

DIANA: YOU’RE so sweet, knife lady!

JEN: Aw, doll. You flatter me so.

DIANA: But I mean, she threw it down a GARBAGE DISPOSAL! Holy shit.

JEN: She meant business! “No dick-respect or anything…”

DIANA: They had to fish the pieces out and send ‘em to the hospital! I bet they were all gross and covered with hair and disposal gunk!

JEN: Maybe some onion peels and little bits of rice.

DIANA: EWW. Don’t you think that’s a little much?

JEN: Hard to say because I wasn’t there, but it’s certainly very thorough.

Continue reading Hell Hath No Fury Like A Woman That Wants To Cut Your D*ck Off

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