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Emperor Spitzer

March 10th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Dear Guvnah,

The New York Times broke the news today that you like hookers. Congrats? You, “Client 9,” have since apologized but not resigned for your “involvement” in the prostitution ring, Emperors Club VIP.

With all due respect, perhaps you should have seen this coming. We think, as a rule, you should never join a club with “Emperor” in the title. In 1979, there were only three emperors in the world, and two of them were overthrown that year. There’s a reason why there’s only one left, Whatshishito of Japan. Didn’t you ever see that Bertolucci movie The Last Emperor, emphasis on “last”? Emperors have, throughout time, met horrible fates, like getting overthrown, executed, or assassinated by their BFFs. I mean, Caesar? Napoleon? Hello? Didn’t someone read “The Emperor’s New Clothes” to you as a kid, where the emperor, instead of being The Mack, turns out to be an idiot assclown?

The title itself is friggin’ cursed. Guess you had to learn that the hard way. Sigh.

The Empresses DISGRASIAN

Thanks to Diana and Jasmine for the awesome pics!

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Bad F*ck Charm Addendum

December 30th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

2007 – After being blamed the world over for causing her current boy toy’s Tony “Roma” Romo’s worst NFL outing, Jessica Simpson brings bad fuck to her own box office. “Blonde Ambition,” a romantic comedy starring Simpson and Luke Wilson, opens the weekend before Christmas in extremely limited release (eight Texas movie theaters) and earns a whoppin’ $1,322, the exact cost of Simpson’s last botched lip job. Luke Wilson, meanwhile, makes a New Year’s resolution to never shoot another movie with a fellow Texan whose name doesn’t end in…”Wilson.”

To read the complete Bad Fuck Charm Timeline, click here.

Thanks Greenie!

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SPORTS ILLUSTRASIAN: The Cubbies Ain’t Fukuing Around

December 13th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

The Chicago Cubs reached an agreement to acquire 30 year-old Japanese player Kosuke “This” Fukudome yesterday, offering the left-handed slugger $48 million over four years. The AP reported that Fukudome is “(c)onsidered one of the best outfielders in Japanese baseball” and will play in right for the Cubs.

Will Fukudome help end the Cubbies’ 100-year World Series drought?

Alls I’m sayin’ is, the last three World Series winners had Japanese players on their starting rosters who played key roles in getting their teams to the big stage and winning it all. So Taguchi for the St. Louis Cardinals in 2005, Tad Iguchi for the Chicago White Sox in 2006, and, of course, Daisuke “Badonkadonk” Matsuzaka and Hideki “All Is Forgiven after the Autograph Debacle” Okajima of MA SAWX.

Coincidence? Hmmm…


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