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Y’all, listen. I have a very serious question to ask you.
The Miss Universe pageant will air August 23 on NBC, but competition is already underway. You may recall the recent mishegas surrounding Miss Japan’s national costume, which has been toned down after it was widely-criticized as a “disgrace”–no pink crotch-mound will be exposed during the show after all–but get a load of Miss USA’s outfit:
Realizing that you feel sorry for a Yankee player is, I imagine, something like waking up one day with an STD gnawing away at your genitals. (Not that I speak from experience, because, um, eww.) How did this happen? Who did this to me? What’s it gonna take to get over this horrible affliction?
Of course I’ve always had a soft spot for Chien-Ming Wang, because we have the same name, and he’s schooling people on how to say it right. I even like to think that we might be distant cousins. But as long as he’s in pinstripes, fuck him. Then again, he’s having an EPIC FAIL year. Last week, it was revealed that he had the worst ERA (21.61 runs) through five starts since they started keeping track of ERA’s–back in 1913. Then he was told before this Wednesday’s game against the Nationals–along with the media and everybody else who reads the sports pages–that he was pitching for his job. “We thought it was in our best interests to be honest with him and tell him it’s time to be the real Chien-Ming Wang,” his manager Joe Girardi said, prior to the game.
Although the Yankees lost yesterday, the “real Chien-Ming Wang” showed up and had his best outing of the year, which means he keeps his job for now. (Clearly, Girardi understands the efficacy of Hardass Public Humiliasian.) As an added bonus, Wang and his wife, Chia-Ling Wu, welcomed their first child, Justin Jesse Wang, on Tuesday. So things are finally looking up for the dude.
Which is good, because feeling sorry for a Yankee is about as pleasurable as an itchy, burning crotch.
Filed under: Asian Baseball Players, Chien-Ming Wang, Crotch, ERA's, Hardass Asian Coaches, Joe Girardi, Justin Jesse Wang, MLB, New York Yankees, NY Yankees, Pitchers, Public Humiliation, STDs, Taiwanese
Yes, the strong shoulder is back. For sure, the feathery tutu thing is in. And boy, do I love a nice pair of Burberry T-straps.
But all I want to do when I look at this picture is hurriedly offer the adorable Zhang Ziyi my bikini waxer’s number. Are you reading this, Ziyi? My girl Sally is uh-mazing. She does a pretty amazing Brazilian and totally does house calls.
Just let me know, girl. You’ve got my email. Use it.
We’ve decided to try our hand at this “vlogging” business, even though we like the word “vlog” about as much as Tila Tequila enjoys her annual Pap Smear.
Our first topic of discussion? Why nobody seems to want to wear pants anymore.
See if you think our explanasian has any, er, legs.
Subscribe to our YouTube channel here.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
A lot of you who are new to DISGRASIAN have been clicking over for Olympics “coverage” (I use that term oh-so-loosely), and mostly to find out who on the U.S. men’s gymnastics team is gay. Now, Diana and I pride ourselves on having excellent gaydar–we’re Asian chicks, after all, and most of our BFF’s are gay–but we ain’t the Gay Census Bureau. Nevertheless, we want you horny newbies to feel at home, so I give you this photo (from the real Gay Census Bureau, Towleroad):
Then there are those of you who have come to our site looking for nipples. And, you know, we do write about nipples a fair amount. Crotches, too. Shit, why do you think my parents spent all that dough sending me to an Ivy League school?? But for those of you who’ve come here to ogle, say, the nipples of a 16 year-old Olympic athlete, i.e. a child, we give you this:
FUCK OFF, PERV.
Filed under: Beefcakes, Beijing, Crotch, Crotch Shots, Gaydar, Gymnastics, Home Porn Horndogs, Kevin Tan, Nipples, Pedophiles, Pervs, Prurient Shit, Raj Bhavsar, The 2008 Olympics, The Gay Census Bureau
Do you remember how it is in sixth grade, when your class divides up for the first time of the year to play red rover? And for the first time, you realize that picking teams isn’t actually about picking red rover teams, but choosing your alliances for the rest of the year, or maybe even all of junior high, or maybe even forever?
So there you are, with the choice between the team full of cool, nice, smart, free-thinking kids, and the team with THE DEVIL. Maybe yours was named Vanessa. Or Ashley. Or GWEN. She was blonde and bright, with a perky skirt and red lipstick, and she was the most popular and awful girl in sixth grade. Holding on to her arms on both side were mute, motionless, voiceless lackeys, her pawns. Popular and useless, and willing to defile themselves to remain on her fucking red rover team.
What did you decide, Mark? I’m going to venture a guess. You tucked your scrotum neatly in between your legs and chose GWEN. She told you to jump, you didn’t ask how high, you pursed your lips and leapt. If you had an opinion, she mandated that you stay silent. And when you danced? You danced like she wanted you to dance, how she told you to dance, because you were her bitch.
Why would I make such assumptions? Well, considering that you impersonated one of the enslaved, ill-fated Harajuku Girls so recently on So You Think You Can Dance, it seems only natural that you’d not only be willing to become a bitch’s bitch, you’d LOVE it.
Perhaps that’s why the cool, smart, free-thinking kids voted you off. Buh-bye.
Page Six reported yesterday that NY attorney Ming Hai recently served Sharon Stone with legal papers documenting her intent to sue the actress on behalf of over 1,000 Chinese earthquake victims, for harm by suggesting that the disaster was “karma.”
The price of the damages? A billion.
Damn, Gina. That’s a pretty penny, and perhaps slightly more than she’s made in residuals from Basic Instinct over the last 16 years. We suggest that she pivot her “do-good” fundraising energy and start selling LOTS of auctionable meet ‘n greets with direct proceeds to a “Save My Wretched, Botched, and Lost Face Foundation.” Stat.
Filed under: Basic Instinct Didn't Do Quite This Well, Crotch, Fundraising, Karma, Lawsuits, Losing Face, Ming Hai, Sharon Stone, Sharon Stone Sued By China, We Bet The Dalai Lama Ain't Returning Calls Right Now