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So my latest troll down YouTube lane began with a link from my friend, Doug. It led to a video (removed from YouTube today) posted by an American gent in his fifties (and bearing an uncanny likeness to Captain Kangaroo). In it, he wears a custom hachimaki and dances wackily in front of the screen projection of a music video from the J-pop band Perfume. The man, who goes by the YouTube handle Perfume444, gleefully professes his longstanding love for Perfume–particularly his favorite member of the trio, A-Chan, as he makes kissing motions to her video lips. He smiles the biggest grin I’ve seen on a human being in weeks. The piece ends with a scrolling caption: “I really, really, really LOVE Perfume!!!”
I thought, instantly: DISGRASIAN. A snap judgment, yes, but I doubt I was the only one who would have made it.
But I needed to see more. So I clicked through to his YouTube channel. Quickly, I saw that Frank (Perfume444) had something to say for himself in the “About Me” section:
PERFUME 444 CHANNEL IS NOT ABOUT PEOPLE SEEING ME…ITS ABOUT ME THANKING PERFUME FOR ALL THAT THEY HAVE DONE !!!
I have been to Japan in 2003 and 2005.. I play Drums so did 2 small tours in Japan. I LOVE JAPAN !!!! I miss it so much. The Japanese People are so kind and wonderful. I really feel like my soul is Japanese. About Perfume… I got into Perfume in early 2006. I was looking for Japan stuff on youtube, all kinds of music from Japan and I found Perfume. The song Akihabalove was the first one I heard. I fell in love with that song and the girls. I watched the beehive cam on youtube and watched them grow up. So my love for them is like a father daughter love. Not sex because they were so young at the time. Even now I still see them as big kids, NOT sex objects. Anyway…about the Music… I was hooked, It was so different then anything I heard before. my all time favorite song is Seventh heaven…It all ways makes me cry. I also love Secret Secret , Foundation, computer city, Macaroni, Edge , ” jenny in a bad mood ” wonder 2, Polyrhythm,Baby cruising love , Vitamin Drop, yes Its heard to pick just one song. A-Chan is my favorite. If I was 20 yrs old I would want to marry her. But Im not ! Im 55 yrs old. But perfume music makes me feel happy and young I wish I could find some one like A-Chan. She is the most beautiful person I have ever seen. her heart and sole are heaven ! The person that marries her will be the luckiest person on earth.
Well, shit, the words were sweet as perfume. AND LITTERED WITH RED FLAGS. (Quick, another snap judgment: Frank is a full-on Nippon perv who clearly thinks of the 21 and 22-year-old members of Perfume as sex objects. I mean, hello, read the “About Me” excerpt!)
But first, more proof. More videos. Needed to see more creepy, pervy, proofy videos. But my eyes slid to the right and glimpsed this user comment:
Continue reading He Really, Really, Really Loves Perfume
Filed under: 4Chan, A-Chan, Captain Kangaroo, Creepy Old Dudes, Frank Evins, Happy Birthday Kashiyuka Video, Internet Memes, J-Pop, Japan, Kashiyuka, Nippon, Nocchi, Perfume, Perfume444, Pervs, Snap Judgments, Squirrel Glider, Wormholes, WTF?, YouTube, YouTube Is a Sordid Place
MICHAEL LOHAN: Eyyyyyy! [points to Ratner] My boyyyyyyyyyyyyys!! Yo!
JON GOSSELIN: It’s so different when you know there’s a camera there.
BRETT RATNER: Right?
MICHAEL LOHAN: Oh. I always know there’s a camera there.
BRETT RATNER: Right.
JON GOSSELIN: So…ah…where are all the fine ladies, or y’know, where are the…?
BRETT RATNER: What’re you talkin’ about bro? There’s so much snatch here you’d think we were robbin’ a bank.
MICHAEL LOHAN: Yeah, I could get some work done in a little orifice space.
BRETT RATNER: I could lick the poon clean.
MICHAEL LOHAN: Yeah, I bet half the girls here screw better than my daughter.
[Astronomically awkward, 9-months pregnant pause]
JON GOSSELIN: I, uh…
MICHAEL LOHAN: Don’t get your panties in a wad, spermy! I’ve never laid a finger on my little girl. You know, right? You’re a father.
JON GOSSELIN: I love my children. I just hated my wife. And my life.
MICHAEL LOHAN: So you know what I’m saying. I think my daughter is an incredibly gifted, talented, mature woman. I’m very proud of her and if any journalist or blogger of Facebooker here wants to put me on record saying that, bring it on.
BRETT RATNER: Yeah. I think she’s super talented too. She looks really good. I’ve been dying to photograph her nude, artfully.
JON GOSSELIN: Oh, you know her?
BRETT RATNER: Oh yeah. I “know” her.
MICHAEL LOHAN: Yeah he does. I bet she fucks real good.
JON GOSSELIN: Um. Michael?
MICHAEL LOHAN: Kidding, Gossie, kidding! You have daughters… you know what I mean!
JON GOSSELIN: I…er… don’t, dude. I don’t think I do.
MICHAEL LOHAN: Ha ha ha!
BRETT RATNER: Man, we are a force to be reckoned with, huh? Bunch of sucessful, powerful, good looking dudes.
JON GOSSELIN: Thanks for noticing! I’ve actually been doing some crunches in the mornings. I don’t know if I would call myself super successful, though. Well, I’ve sorta co-written a book. And I know what you do. But I don’t actually know what Michael does.
MICHAEL LOHAN: I’m a student of life, brah.
BRETT RATNER: Yeah, he’s a student of life, man! Look at him! He’s the man!
MICHAEL LOHAN: You could photograph me nude.
BRETT RATNER: I should cast you guys in a movie! [To Gosselin] You’re part Chinaman, right? And what are you, a Gemini, Aries?
JON GOSSELIN: Chinaman?
MICHAEL LOHAN: You eat rice.
JON GOSSELIN: So do you!
BRETT RATNER: Yes, but [points to himself and Lohan] it’s different when we do it.
JON GOSSELIN: I’m half Korean. I’m also French and Welsh.
BRETT RATNER: “Oh welsh!” Hahaha! I think you could still be a really funny Chinaman.
JON GOSSELIN: I’m not an actor.
BRETT RATNER: That’s what people told Michael, and look at him. That’s what people told me, and look at me!
JON GOSSELIN: Um. Yeah. I’m starting to think that I don’t really want to.
It was reported this week that Russell Simmons has agreed to pay $40k a month in child support (that’s $20k per progeny) to the fabulous house of Kimora Lee, who is retaining sole legal and physical custody of their kids. This arrangement will be in place until each child reaches the age of 19½.
$40k a month! Just to keep those kids well-fed and fabulous!
Sheezus. Suddenly, Kimora’s eight-year marriage to that creepy old dude sounds waaaaaaaaaaaaay the heck more worth it.
The ink is barely dry on la divorce, but it looks like somebody has already moved on…
Grammy nominated and platinum record selling rock band Weezer, famous for hits such as “Beverly Hills” and “My Name Is Jonas,” has released the Japanese version of their new album “The Red Album” today.
As a special surprise for the Japanese listeners, Weezer did a cover of one of BoA’s Japanese ballads entitled “Meri Kuri” as a bonus track. Lead singer Rivers Comuo of Weezer commented that he was “instantly taken” by the song, as well as the youthful Japanese girl that originally chirped it.*
“I really dig subsurvient Asian girls, so covering a love song by a cute one is kind of like virtual jerking off,” the often misunderstood songwriter said in a recent interview. “I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. And if anyone in my band thought there was anything weird about it, they would tell me. And then I would kick them out of the band.” *
*Many of Cuomo’s quotes in this story have been altered or fictionalized. Why would we do such a thing? Because we find his awkward Asian fetish to be super-duper freaky. Read the actual AllKPop.com post here.
Thank you, you-know-who!
I remember the first time I came face-to-face with Rivers Cuomo.
A friend had dragged me out under the pretense that we were going to see some live bands; at around midnight I found myself at an 18-and-over Brit Pop dance club off Hollywood Boulevard, sipping on a weak cocktail in a plastic cup, “Bizarre Love Triangle” blaring into my left ear and some obnoxious poser skank’s elbow digging into my right side. Kristin, who had been lurk-dancing with a guy too young for her on the main floor, suddenly materialized from the side of the crowd. She pointed out Cuomo sitting on the dance floor edge with his eyes glazed over, numb to the words his buddy was shouting into his ear.
Cuomo had just famously emerged from a yearlong hermetic hiatus spent in a shit apartment under a Los Angeles overpass, which came after a surprise exit from rock stardom at the height of touring season to study English at Harvard, which had followed the loud tanking of Weezer’s sophomore effort Pinkerton (a panoply of Cuomo’s innermost secrets that was lauded by critics and universally loved by emo kids), which all came after “Buddy Holly” was the biggest skater hit in the world once upon a time.
I watched him from across the room, delighted at the anthropological discovery. Battling for attention were Cuomo’s lyrics in my head– “Goddamn you half Japanese girls/Do it to me every time/Oh, the redhead said you shred the cello/And I’m Jell-O, baby”–which had famously marked him as a yellow fever victim, something I had long refused to believe because I found it pretty gross. He continued to skulk in the corner for awhile, stopping only to sip his drink, or frown when his eyes fell upon… an Asian girl. I saw him scoot with his shoulders slumped over to one, two, three… six Asian girls in a row, making awkward conversation, even more awkwardly collecting phone numbers.
Suddenly he was leaving. I didn’t feel myself back up against the bar to make myself look invisible. It didn’t work. I suddenly saw his eyes on me, looking directly into my eyes. They were cool and lifeless, like a target on a missle. He was walking fast. His hand was suddenly on my arm, his lips were suddenly on my ear, and he breathed words with hot breath that made no sense to me. And then he walked away.
I had one thought: Ewwwwwwww!!!
Today, Gawker reported that Cuomo’s lit agent David Vigliano has decided to start hawking the songwriter’s old journals, which they fear might be as creeptastic as the archives of his Harvard writing (“I didn’t touch her down there, but I ran my hand up and down her arm, feeling her muscles tense up and twitch as she worked herself more and more furiously. She kept going until finally she let out a big moan and relaxed. I looked down on her, whimpered, and then fell over onto my back and stared at the ceiling, fire-like sensations bursting from every cell in my body”). What’s the deal, did that 2005 shitpile Make Believe not pull in enough dough?
Regardless, I’m not buying. I can only assume that those pages are just filled with more: Ewwwwwwww!!!
“Chen-Ning Yang, 82, a Chinese American Nobel laureate of physics, and his wife Weng Fan, 28, attend a ceremony in honor of the Chinese who have worldwide influences at the Peking University in Beijing March 31, 2007. Yang was conferred the award of lifetime achievement.”
I hate to say it, Pops, but this is just gross.