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DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Steven Seagal’s Sex Slaves Is A Great Name For An Indie Band, But…

April 16th, 2010 | 10 comments | Posted by Jen

No!  Steven Seagal’s Sex Slaves will not be playing Coachella this weekend!

Instead, Steven Seagal’s Sex Slaves are only a few of the accusations being brought against Steven Seagal in a civil lawsuit filed Monday in LA by 23 year-old Kayden Nguyen (pictured), who worked for the actor briefly in February.

Here’s what’s being reported:

All this is alleged, okay? So let’s not jump to conclusions. BUT. If we were to jump to conclusions, I’d say that some of the details revealed in this lawsuit are so bizarre–Seagal listed the job on Craigslist? He has the bank to fly private?! He has a weird corkscrew penis “unique physiological reaction” to arousal?–they almost have to be true. Can I picture Seagal saying “Relax, we won’t do anything special tonight…I’ll save that for another night” to Nguyen in that rapey hushed tone of his? Continue reading DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Steven Seagal’s Sex Slaves Is A Great Name For An Indie Band, But…

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Celebutardasian: The Kids Edition

November 20th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen


Proof positive that having a baby is good for a Hollywood career: Forbes recently unveiled their second-annual “Hollywood’s Hottest Tots” list (for kids 5 and under), claiming that, in these hard times, “fawning over celebrities and their picturesque families may be just the sort of distraction people need.” Okay, sure, except half of the kids’ families are far from “picturesque,” unless that picture Forbes is referring to is an ugly one painted by breakups, breakdowns, and death (in bold):

  1. Suri Cruise
  2. Shiloh Jolie-Pitt
  3. Zahara Jolie-Pitt
  4. Pax Jolie-Pitt
  5. Sam Alexis-Woods
  6. Cruz Beckham
  7. Matilda Ledger
  8. David Banda
  9. Sean Preston Federline
  10. Sam Sheen

It’s true, though, that people crave new things, which explains why the Jolie-Pitts, who were introduced to the world from 2005-2007 in quick succession, are on the list (Knox and Vivienne were too new, but will undoubtedly dominate next year) and why Sam Alexis Woods, born in 2007, makes the cut (as Dad Tiger always does).

But Suri Cruise wins not because her parents are either revered, pitied, or despised, but because they’re a nonstop creepfest, and that, well, that never gets old.


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Zac & Vanessa: The OK! Magazine Transformasian

October 20th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen


Young, Rich & In Love…& creepily airbrushed to look like wax dummies.

“Zax” (Zac + Wax) Efron

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BABEWATCH: The Actroid-DER2

July 29th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen


Name: The Actroid-DER2

Hails from: Japan

Occupation: TV host and model robot

Why She’s a Babe: She walks, talks, and sells sunscreen (because even robots get sunburns, too). And, according to her maker Kokoro (a Sanrio company), she has “long legs,” a “bright smile,” and an astonishingly small face…capable of creating exotic facial expressions.” Despite her soft, feminine voice, we’re not entirely convinced that she’s a she, in which case, we applaud her bravery in trying to lead a normal life. Have a look for yourself:

[via CrunchGear]

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Project Runway Season 5: Dressed to Kill

July 17th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

The fifth season of Project Runway began rather inauspiciously last night for Jerry Tam, designer of the line FORM and the first person to get kicked off the show.

Although Jerry, a native of Butte, Montana, cites avant-garde designers Martin Margiela and Rick Owens as his influences, the look he sent down the runway was more like…avant-weird.

The challenge was to make something out of stuff bought at the grocery store Gristede’s, and most of the contestants pussed out by making dresses out of tablecloths. Jerry chose to make a raincoat out of a shower curtain, which everyone agreed turned out très serial killer. (Styling the coat with yellow dishwashing gloves did not help.)

Perhaps Jerr-Jerr has a future in costume design for horror movies? That weird raincoat looked like something out of the killer’s closet in Brian De Palma’s Dressed to Kill, a slasher flick about creepy shrinks, sweet-faced hookers, and transsexual stalkers, sprinkled with some hot sex from a very MILF-y Angie Dickinson. The movie came out in 1980, and it is so of that time. It’s about loose women who need to be punished. By a man…dressed as a woman. It’s about the decadent, chaotic 70′s getting reorganized into the much more cold and calculating 80′s. It’s about Michael Caine, cross-dressing in a blonde wig and an unforgettable raincoat:


Eek! Eeeeek! Eeeeeeeeeeeek!!!

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One Pregnant Teen Not Creepy, Just Totally Inept

June 27th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen
Not That Hard, Really


First there was a pregnancy pact, then there wasn’t.

Midweek, Lindsey Oliver, one of the 17 pregnant Gloucester teens, denied that there had ever been a pact among her high school girlfriends to get wit child:

“There was definitely no pact,” Oliver told “Good Morning America.” “There was a group of girls already pregnant that decided they were going to help each other to finish school and raise their kids together. I think it was just a coincidence.”

Oliver also maintained that she had gotten pregnant “by accident” and had been on the Pill.

Pregnant on the Pill? Sure it happens, kinda like when your dog eats your homework. The FDA lists pregnancy rates when using the Pill between .1%, if taken properly, and a mere 5%, if you’re a fuckup. Condoms, when used properly, have a pregnancy rate of 3%. Even the pull-out method, which was what the girls who got knocked up at my high school would use to “protect” themselves, has a pregnancy rate of only 4% when performed properly.

Key word: “properly.” So, either Lindsey Oliver is a total dumbass or maybe, just maybe, she hasn’t been schooled properly. And to think there are people who still believe that American teens don’t really need a proper sex education.

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Korean Psycho

May 16th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Did something get lost in translasian during this interview with Time magazine or does Korean pop star Rain sound a lot like Patrick Bateman (as played by my boyfriend Christian Bale) in American Psycho?

When he asks the interviewer, “Do you know kimchi? It’s perrrfect. It’s amazing,” I half-expected him to bust out a chainsaw!

Thanks, Jasmine!

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Magibarf

January 16th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Everyone and by that we mean pervs is talking about “magibon,” the latest YouTube sensasian. The wide-eyed, Japanese Margaret Keane doll doesn’t say anything in her videos, leaving viewers to speculate about their subtext. Me personally? I think girlfriend looks like she just vomited in her mouth and is doing her damnedest to swallow it:

UPDATE: Ahh. Now we know the real reason behind that tight-lipped smile.

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Die Another Daysian

January 14th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

My friend Anthony’s mom held a staged pre-death funeral last year, and all of her family and friends attended knowing full well that the event was merely a dress rehearsal. Still, the gathering didn’t feel quite like theater: Her husband delivered the eulogy, emphasizing that she had been taken from all of their lives too soon. Her friends dropped flowers on the casket and shared pleasant and ridiculous memories. Her children sobbed, feeling abandoned.

And then, about two hours later, she showed up at the post-funeral lunch, just as alive as she had been two hours before. It was joyous; in fact, she and her family and friends felt a renewed vigor just being alive. It was as if they had all gotten a second chance.

Dude, if you ask me, that shit was fucked up. Severely twisted. A cruel thing to do to one’s loved ones. And just plain awkward.

This week, CNN discussed just this thing as a growing trend in Korea: mock funerals, a branch of a concept called “well-dying.” During the funerals, perfectly healthy individuals go through the experience of their death remembrance (like, in-casket) as a quick-jolt reminder to celebrate their existing lives. The end result is for each person to realize hey, it’s pretty freakin’ good to be alive.

I am pleased that “happiness” is on the radar of our Korean brethren. And how ambitious–the ability to actually appreciate living has got to be one of the most difficult things imaginable to attain. So yeah man, I’m behind it all the way. Whatever it takes to keep “wellness” on the Asian priority list.

But isn’t there a less muthafuzzin’ creepy way to do so?

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Thanks, Chris!

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Gaysian and "Sweetie" Go Together Like Ramma Lamma Lamma Ka Dinga Da Dinga Dong

December 3rd, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Page Six reported yesterday that Hank Azaria, who does multiple voices for The Simpsons, went on an internet talk show recently and claimed that The Simpsons no longer employs George Takei to do voiceovers because “he ‘creeped out the staff’ and kept calling one of the interns ‘sweetie.’”


GEORGE: Hey sweetie!

HAYDEN: OMG. I am so uncomfortable right now.

GEORGE: What’s wrong, sweetie?

HAYDEN: It’s like creepy-crawlies are under my skin.

GEORGE: Oh, sweetie, you poor thing.

Is George Takei creepy? Hmm…I feel like we’re not getting the full story here from Page Six (imagine that). But about George calling one of the interns “sweetie,” isn’t that, for a gaysian, like, um…what am I trying to, um, say here…um…oh right!

Isn’t that like me saying, “um”?

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"What Made U Among the LOSERS"

August 23rd, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

This creepola video–allegedly made by radical Islamists in the UK–has been making the rounds on the internet.

I guess those religious dudes don’t dig “footie” and hip-hop. But what I really want to know is, am I a terrorist sympathizer for thinking these thoughts after I watched it…?

Well, yes, if you mean criminally untalented.
Given Snoop’s rap sheet, you’re not gonna get an argument out of me.
I mean, which one?
You can put a fatwa on a dead guy? I mean, a REALLY DEAD guy?
A little late to the party, don’t you think?


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When Worlds Collide: Child Robot

June 4th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Fresh kill from Japan: “Child robot makes debut”

Robot: Are you my mother or my father?

Poor guy: Uh, I’m a dude.

Robot: Oh. I am not taught to see gender. Is that hair on your head? Can I touch it?

Poor guy: Yes, this is hair. And no, please don’t touch it. I spent a long time on it this morning.

Robot: Do I look like a real person?

Poor guy: Uh–

Robot: I have flexible joints and soft skin, do you?

Poor guy: Yeah, though I have a really bad case of eczema right now.

Robot: I also have 200 tactile sensors. Wanna see? Let me shake your hand.

Poor guy: Uh, okay. (beat) Owwwwww! That was my junk!

Robot: Junk? I do not compute. I am sorry. Have I offended you?

Poor guy: I’ll be…okay.

Robot: Oh no! I HAVE offended you! I am filled with great shame.

Poor guy: Just take the picture, people!

Robot: Human beings are so complicated. I am suffering from sensory overload. Does anyone have Valium? Mommy’s little helper?

Click here for real story.

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