You are currently browsing posts tagged with Crazyfaces

Oh Mickey, You’re So Fine

January 15th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Page Six, ever the bearer of truthful word, reported today that wow-and-I-do-mean-wow-face Mickey Rourke was accosted by Bai Ling at Hollywood’s Chateau Marmont just the other night. In Richard Johnson’s own icky words, the odd duo “made out and partied pretty hard.”

I’ll be honest. My gut reaction was to write: Dude, I thought Rourke was freaking uh-mazing in his unrelenting lead role in ‘The Wrestler‘. That, however, did not cause me to hearken back to his younger, more beautiful days, and rekindle a desire to suck his mangled face. Dude, Bai. Do your Adductor thigh muscles only respond to IMDB stats? What is the deal?

Then, of course, I had to go and do what I loathe most: a little research. This naturally led me down a slippery slope to one of Bai Ling’s online biographies–which includes the following blurb about her personal life:

She is friends with Kimberly Stewart. She dated a play actor in the mid-1980s in China, and music composer Qu Xiao-Song in the mid 1990s, and Chris Isaak 1999-2001. She was briefly said to be romantically linked to Backstreet Boy Nick Carter. Rumors spread that Bai was engaged to him, but Carter denied the rumors, saying they were “just friends”. More recently, Ling has been linked to Dionne Warwick’s son, Damon Elliott, though the two are not currently dating.

ZzzZzZzzzzSo… okay. How can anyone with even a pittance of warmth in their heart (that’s about all I’ve got) look at that sad little collection of facts and not feel kinda bad for the poor woman? Ling’s personal life, despite her fondness for dancing and easily accessible breasts, actually seems duller than Sienna Miller’s mangy hair. I wouldn’t wish that kind of dry love life on anyone, not even this crazy bitch.

So instead, I’m really very psyched for Ling, and happy about the fact that she got some aggressive tongue action the other night, even if it makes me go “Eww.” Here’s hoping she got felt up and maybe even fingerbanged! Anything to spice up that sad little paragraph.

And–guys, take a look at Rourke’s fuckin’ FACE!–I do mean anything.

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THE INSANITY BAROMETER: Share Less, Burke

June 26th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana


When I first saw this photo of Cheryl Burke–who, as many of you know, I absolutely 100% do not understand the appeal of–I thought that maybe something fantastic happened. Like a paparazzo outside of Hyde suddenly came to his senses and realized he wasn’t dealing with a real celebrity, and told her–causing her to fly into conniptions. Or maybe some unseen gnome (working under the auspices of DISGRASIAN) ran quickly by and threw a tiny gnome water balloon at her face. Or maybe…


…she’s just a spastic, drunk, melodramatic, self-congratulatory, paparazzi whore celebutard with a crazy fuckin’ face.

Insanity barometer, so high against the sky!!!

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Don’t Call Me Nipper, Winey

June 9th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

I stopped being interested in Amy Winehouse’s famous crackhead antics a long time ago, longer than her bad eyeliner, longer than her nappy hair, longer than Regis Philbin’s seemingly endless career. I find her self-destructive narco-mania, her repulsive crackne, and well-documented downward tornado to be a caustic spectacle–and just totally depressing. I still can’t figure out why nobody has dragged her into rehab or some cozy place with straitjackets, but maybe her manager just tells himself, “Well in the song she just says ‘No, no, no,’ so I suppose there really is no point,” while going to the bank to cash the last of his 10% checks.

I don’t really want to talk about her while she’s in this state. She’s a sick and crazy person, and should deal with the sickness and craziness privately.

In not-so-private matters, News of the World just leaked a video shot by her lovely husband Blake some time ago, in which she and a friend chime in on a little sing-song loaded with racial slurs:

If you can’t bear to look at her emaciated figure for so long, I’ll just grab the best frame for you:

Oh, what a treasure!

Listen, I’m the last person to waste breath or typing energy trying to hold an addict accountable for any of her litany of offenses against humankind.

But I just want Amy to leave us all–y’know, all of us Blacks, Pakis, gooks, nips–the fuck out of her sick, sad world. Maybe if she doesn’t sing about us, we’ll all just wisely stop listening to her.

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Mariah Crazian

April 14th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Dear Chubs Mariah,

You’ve had a long, illustrious career that, for the most part, we don’t really understand. How does anyone as obsessed with glitter, honey, and butterflies actually make money besides Lisa Frank? How can you make psychotic multi-part appearances on Cribs or perform as pictured above and, as a result, outsell Elvis–while Britney Spears does most of the same shit and gets called a fat, crazy, pig while being forced into lockdown by her father?

You are nuts. We’re pretty used to it. But since we hum along to your Christmas tracks every December, we tend to let it slide.

But now, this E=mc² business, naming your album after a theory you probably can’t spell, is bologna, as we’ve stated. That doesn’t make us mad, it just makes us sad. You’re trying to claim our shit–brain stuff–and you don’t gots any, yo. We can get over that.

What we can’t get over, is you titling a song on that album “I’ll Be Lovin’ U Long Time”… NOW THAT IS BULLSHIT. What’s Track #8? “Suckee Fuckee U So Luckee!”

GO DUNK YOUR HEAD IN A TOILET, YOU GINORMOUS, STUPID, DEMENTED, SKANKY, LISA FRANKY POSEUR.

xoxo
Diana

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When In Bloat, Try Animasian

March 11th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

The Sun reports that Britney Spears’s new video, for a track nobody cares about her song, “Break the Ice,” will debut next month. Here’s the exciting part: the former pop princess will be depicted in zzZzZzANIMEzzZzZz (see above).

Don’t be fooled, everybody. The cartoon fantasy character may have real/long/luscious locks, a tiny waist, and perfectly perky breasts… but we’re pretty sure it’s still certifiably nutbars.

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Mary-Kasian

January 7th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Conversation overheard at DISGRASIAN HQ during morning espresso:

DIANA: We don’t really talk much about the Olsen twins.

JEN: Wait, wait… it’s just “the Olsens” now. Silent “twins.”

DIANA: Right. We don’t talk about those dudes.

JEN: What’s there to say? They’re midgets, they’re probably still anorexic, they hate smiling with teeth, they have poor posture, they love coffee-to-go and fashion shows, it’s a wonder that they don’t ever topple over in those Balenciaga platforms.

DIANA: So they don’t bother you at all?

JEN: Hold on a minute. You know midgets scare me.

DIANA: That’s true.

JEN: But I do love me some Balenciaga.

DIANA: True! But they don’t really do anything. Besides go to lunch and grease up their hair and drink Venti drips from Starbucks, that is.

JEN: That Venti cup is so gauche. Who needs that much of a beverage? Ugh. That shit disgusts me.

DIANA: So we hate them?

JEN: I mean, I kinda nothing them. They do nothing. They nothing me.

DIANA: You did look kinda cute when you dressed up as Mary-Kate for Halloween.

JEN: I’m cute, though. It wasn’t the costume.

DIANA: Right. Y’know, MK has really improved with the slight weight gain. She’s look less like a homely skeleton freak show and more like a garden gnome these days.

JEN: You always did like Ashley better.

DIANA: She seemed more, y’know, together. More so than Mary-Kate at least [Makes cuckoo motion with finger around right ear]. But I’m coming around. I might even be starting to feel half-positive feelings for Mary-Kate.

[pause]

[Diana shrugs shoulders]

JEN: [clicks on new paparazzi photo of MK leaving a West Village restaurant] Oh. Girl. Backtrack a bit. The gnome is rocking a little dragon lady racial drag underneath her fur.

DIANA: [Gasps] Fur and Racial Drag! A Double whammy! She should be shot.

JEN: Like that animal she’s wearing was.

DIANA: Don’t make me puke.

JEN: So MK makes our hitlist today. Thanks to the paparazzi photo.

DIANA: Tell me again why people take this girl’s picture?

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Prayer Hands Ain’t Gonna Save Ya Now

December 17th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Oh Britney, Britney, Britney. I just got ready to watch your new video for “Piece of Me” and it got me all nostalgic, reminding me of the olden days when I worked out at the gym to the tune of “Oops!” and “I’m a Slave 4 U.” How I used to envy the shadowy sinews of your svelte seventeen-year old frame! How I admired your success at hiding a distinct inability to sing or speak in proper English. How I desperately wanted to move like you, ’cause GIRL, could you DANCE. You had MOVES!!!

What the fuzz has happened to your ability to hip shake? Seriously, I know you’re crazy, and your face is all toreUP, and you’ve got thighs like Thor, but none of those things should have an affect on your ability to move yo’ body. WHY CAN’T YOU DANCE ANYMORE? WHY ARE YOU JUST LAZILY SHUFFLING AROUND THE DANCE FLOOR? My grandma has a saying that goes something like, “if you aren’t going to be the best, kill yourself.” I’m not saying that you should kill yourself, ’cause that’s wrong or whatever, but I am calling you out on your half-assed two step. This shit is not gonna fly.

Listen to my grandma, Brit Brit, and next time you shoot a comeback video, show up for your choreography rehearsals.

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What A Curr-ageous Robot

November 8th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana
Ann Curry visits South Pole


As you know, Jen and I can’t help but be fascinated by Ann Curry, the smooth-faced robot. There are so many things about her we don’t understand–like how a person can wear so much lipstick with nary a tooth smear or chin smudge–and we’ve simply been unable to decide whether or not we like her. She’s just so… Ann Curry.

Perhaps part of the reason we’ve never decided to disgrace or embrace Ann is that up until now, her Asianness seemed kind of irrelevant. Sure, you could argue that robots are Asian–but I would argue back that robots just happen to be loved by Asians. They’re really just emotionaless piles of metal waiting take over the humanoid planet, which is an idea we kinda fancy, for some reason.

I digress.

Today, I watched this video of Ann Curry discussing her resolve to set foot on the South Pole (as part of The Today Show‘s “At the Ends of the Earth” stunt) even though a week’s worth of incredibly prohibitive weather conditions were standing in the way. And it hit me: This bitch isn’t going to give up. She’s so resolved. She’s so unwilling to fail. She’s so fucking Asian. I love her.

So there you go, it’s decided–even though she can’t dance, she’s on my good side. For now.

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Thanks, jru!

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THE INSANITY BAROMETER

October 12th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

What is it about Shannyn Sossamon? She’s got a chisely-like gorgeous mug, teeny-tiny shoulders, an adorable knack for biting her lip, and probably a very good collection of vinyl LPs.

Oh, I know what it is. She’s a chronic hipster actress that substitutes “kooky” for “well-prepared” in movie roles, reprises her signature lip bite at almost every on-camera opportunity, named her child Audio Science, and clearly robbed Glinda, Good Witch of the North and the landscaped garden out front for an outfit to wear to the premiere of Wristcutters: A Love Story.

Insanity Barometer, up, up, and away!

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THE INSANITY BAROMETER

June 13th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

This week, Vanessa Minnillo, formerly of MTV’s TRL, debuted a new line of cosmetics called Flirt. Here she is at the launch party:

I’m Betty Boop!

I’m going to eat you!

I’m going to eat you and fifty hot dogs at the same time!

Oh my god! The mannequin just farted!

Wowzers. Not only has the Insanity Barometer gone up, up, up, it’s shattered into a million pieces, and I’m eating broken glass off of the floor. As I snack on this dee-licious lunch, I thought I would write Va-mess-a a letter.

Dear Va-mess-a,

I am writing today out of concern for your mental health. Forgive me for being forward, but what the hell is wrong with you? I guess I should be happy that, in the above photos, no one’s holding a knife to your throat. Are you experiencing problems in your home life? We at DISGRASIAN are well-aware of how your boy Nick can render a girl batshit-crazy.

We also know of your, um, proclivity for crazyfaces.

I have a theory about why you seem to always take wack pictures. Stop me if you think I’m overthinking this. As a former beauty queen, who had to, no doubt, endure the humiliasian of taping your butt cheeks and putting Vaseline on your teeth to maintain that creepy pageant-smile, perhaps you’re finished with impressing other people with your looks. I respect that. You’re done with the Beauty Myth, the Feminine Mystique, and yada yada, and have moved on to posing with crazyfaces, because you want the world to see the REAL YOU and appreciate you for your mind, your critical faculties, your intelligence–

Wait a second. You’re Vanessa Minnillo. I am overthinking this.

On second thought, you’re nuts.

all the best,
Jen

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