DISGRASIAN™

Bai Ling Is Already Winning an Oscar!

Bai Ling, who appears in Crank: High Voltage (a movie, an actual movie, in theaters), which opens today, recently told Movieline:

“I deserve so much more than the roles I get offered now. I’m one of the best actresses. One day I will win an Oscar. I’m already winning it. I just have to find the platform to show it. I’m already winning it! I’ve got that talent.“

So who do you think is more cuckoo-for-cocoa-puffs? Bai Ling or the Hipster Grifter?

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Thanks, Mimi!

Filed under: Bai Ling, Bai Ling Oscar, Bai Ling Wins Oscar, Crank: High Voltage, Crazy Pants, Jason Statham, The Hipster Grifter

Now He’s Just Everyone’s Blagoje-bitch

ADVICE THAT SHOULD NEVER BE TAKEN:

“When you’ve done something(s) really, really, really, really, really, wrong, just convince yourself that you haven’t–and, in fact, that you’ve done great things, instead.

Most importantly: Never, ever say fucking never.”

[Image via NYU Local]

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Filed under: Bad Advice, Corruption, Crazy Pants, Denial, Dubious Achievements, Embarrassing, Government, Illinois, Impeachments, Never Say Never, Rod Blagojevich, Shameful Exits, Sociopaths

Bai-Partisan

Someone had the stroke of genius to ask Bai Ling who she might be voting for in the Presidential election (BTW, is she an actual citizen, and can she vote? Please, God, say “no”), and she–in a roundabout manner that would make any 501c3, non-partisan, non-profit, get-out-the-vote-campaign director proud–endorsed no one. Okay, to be more accurate, Ms. Ling rattled off, “I think, somebody, uh, this two candidates, I don’t really know them that well”–which seemed like better than nothing, since I always expect her to simply say, “Eep! Opp! Ork! Midriff! What does it mean, ‘dick?’”

Instead, like all of our favorite legislators, she started talking about values:

“Somebody has to… have really bigger heart.”

“Only pure intentions.”

“People should vote for me! I’ll give you great place.
I’ll be president… I’ll, how do you say? Demolish all countries.”

Waaaaiiiitttaaminute. This all sounds strangely familiar. Did Bai make this speech at the GOP convention, too? I coulda sworn…

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Filed under: Bai Ling, Crazy Pants, Crazy Things That People Think and Say, Declare Yourself, Non-Partisan Non-Profits, RNC, Running for President, The 2008 Presidential Election

DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Epistoleasian David Tuason

David Tuason: America’s Most Wanted Pen Pal

Let’s face it. Nobody writes letters any more. And that’s just sad. We’d like to bring letter-writing back, so we present our DOTW this week in epistolary fashion:

Dear David,

You like writing letters? Us, too! Let’s be friends.

pen pals 4eva,

DISGRASIAN

Dear David,

You also hate Clarence Thomas and Derek Jeter?! So do we!!! Clarence Thomas, because of Anita Hill and his wack-ass politics. Derek Jeter, cuz he’s a Yankee. We have so much in common!

your partners in haterasian,

DISGRASIAN

Dear David,

You held a grudge for 20 years? Dayum, man. That’s more hardcore than Jen’s dad, who will disown you if you have, like, bad taste in movies. We’re not sayin’ that that’s healthy or anything. But it is pretty darn Asian.

good luck with that,

DISGRASIAN

Dear David,

Hold up. You hate black people? And you wrote over 200 hate letters and emails to black men because a black guy “stole” your girlfriend 20 years ago? Duuude. You got problems. We are sooo not down with you. Neither is the U.S. justice system, which just sentenced you to three years in the clink.

enjoy prison,

DISGRASIAN

P.S. Forget about us writing to you in prison or, like, ever again. Because, like Jen’s dad, we hold a pretty mean grudge ourselves. And once, as Heidi Klum would say, you’re out, your ass is out, naw mean?

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Filed under: Clarence Thomas, Crazy Pants, David Tuason, Derek Jeter, Epistolary, Epistolean, Hate Mail, Haterasian, Holding a Grudge, Pen Pals, Racism, Ricism