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Watch the speech Rep. Michelle Bachmann (R-MN) gave today at the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC), in which she pokes fun at her SOTU response gaffe, manages a pun on Chinese President Hu Jintao’s name that no one’s ever made before, and invites all of her college-aged groupies–some of whom are presumably underage–to “party hardy” with her later:
But, hey, at least Bachmann knows her math:
“There’s a difference between millions and billions. But there’s an even greater difference between billions and trillions.”
Mind is blown.
Because, seriously, Bachmann-as-the-Human-Calculator is pretty impressive, Continue reading Michelle Bachmann’s Got Jokes
Filed under: Climate Change, Comediennes, Conservatards, Conservative Political Action Conference, Crazypants, Evolution, Hu Jintao, Hu's Your Daddy, Math, Michelle Bachmann, Michelle Bachmann CPAC, Michelle Bachmann Is Good at Math, Michelle Bachmann SOTU Response, Michelle Bachmann Tea Party, President Hu Jintao, Really Stupid People, Stand-Up, Stand-Up Comedy, Tea Party
Today marks the 69th anniversary of the attack on Pearl Harbor. And nothing says “honoring the dead” or “remembering the fallen” quite like… “BUY MY CRAPTASTICALLY WRITTEN HISTORICAL NOVELS.”
(And, hey, you can currently buy both of these books at the special discounted price of $10.09 at Newt’s Official Online Store! Take that, Radical Secular-Socialism!)
Filed under: Attack on Pearl Harbor, Conservatards, Days of Infamy, Dicks, Family Values, Fox News, Historical Novels, Newt Gingrich, Newt Gingrich Is a Giant Asshole, Newt Gingrich Pearl Harbor Tweet, Newt Gingrich Twitter, Novelist Newt Gingrich, Offensive Tweets, Pearl Harbor, Radical Secular-Socialism, Remembrances, Shameless Plugs, Twitter
Just in time for Halloween, fiscal conservative think-tank Citizens Against Government Waste (CAGW)–which has been tied to big tobacco and corrupt lobbyist Jack Abramoff–has released a campaign ad depicting a scary vision of the future in which the Chinese have taken over everything:
According to Ben Smith at Politico, the ad’s an homage to a 1986 Ridley Scott-directed ad that was paid for by CAGW’s founder, and it’s produced by Larry McCarthy, who also produced the 1988 Willie Horton ad that did considerable damage to Democrat Michael Dukakis’s presidential campaign by fueling white voters’ fear of black men.
But it’s 2010, and what Americans need to be afraid of is…China!
And we are afraid. We are VERY afraid.
So afraid that we want to make this ad less scary–and race-baiting and fear-mongering and just kinda baaaaad–and more fun. And that’s where we need your help. Campus Progress Action has already done their own parody, and we want to see yours. So we–along with 8Asians, Angry Asian Man, and Reappropriate–are making it a CONTEST. Because Asians love contests. Because Asians love to win. Which is why we’re taking over everything!
Here’s what you need to do:
Filed under: CAGW, China, Chinese Professor Campaign Ad, Chysteria, Citizens Against Government Waste, Conservatards, Contests, Evil Chinese Professor, Fair Use, Fear of China, Fear-Mongering, Fiscal Conservatards, Jack Abramoff, Lobbyists, Race-Baiting, We're Taking Over Everything, Xenophobia
“If you didn’t see the commercial it is pathetic. Al Gore coulda written the thing. It starts out with a poor little polar bear barely surviving on a tiny little what is supposed to be melting glacier — which is common, ordinary practice, them on an ice floe. The polar bear can swim 60 miles. They go out there and they cool off on these things, sit in the sun on them. Then it shows a distant glacier that the small little one had broken off from. And then the polar bear swims and swims and swims and swims and finally gets to the iceberg and keeps going, keeps going, keeps going through neighborhoods. It goes all the way down to America from the North Pole, all the way to America, and finally finds a driveway where there is an electric car, sneaks up on the owner who is about to get in it and gives the owner a hug. The polar bear with tears in its eyes gives the frightened owner of the Nissan a hug. For supposedly doing something to save the polar bear. The whole thing is just a fraud.”
We all know that Rush Limbaugh believes that global warming is a bunch of bullshit. We know he is a bloated blowhard, drug addict and idiot. He’s also an insensitive, irresponsible fuck when it comes to words:
“They got market research that obviously says this is the way to sell the electric car. Sell it with guilt, sell it to these Nimrods who think like this idiot who took hostages at the Discovery network building.”
Filed under: Conservatards, Conservative Pieces of Shit, Dangerous Words, Environmentalism, Global Warming Is Not A Myth, Hoaxes, Irresponsible Language, Nissan LEAF, Nissan LEAF Polar Bear Ad, Polar Bears, Radio Hosts, Rush Limbaugh, Talk Radio, Thanks for the press Rush
Suspected Times Square bomber Faisal Shahzad is giving people a bad name.
And, no, we don’t mean terrorists. (They do a fantastic job of that on their own, obvs.)
We mean immigrants. And naturalized citizens. And Pakistani Americans, who, in the wake of several recent terror plots involving other Pakistani Americans, are living in fear of the backlash. People whose lives may resemble Shahzad’s in one way or another with the exception of one key point–they aren’t terrorists.
But they’re certainly more likely now to be suspected as such. Which is just what everyone needs in our current climate of immigrant-hate, rah-rah-racial profiling, and politicians preying on people’s fear of The Other, as in this ad from Republican Dan Fanelli, who’s running for Congress in Florida:
(For any of you geniuses who actually think racial profiling works–we seem to be Continue reading DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Suspected Times Square Bomber Faisal Shahzad
Filed under: Anti-Immigration Law, Arizona, Bad Apples, Conservatards, Dan Fanelli, Dick Cancer, Faisal Shahzad, Immigrants, Islamic Extremism, Naturalized Citizens, Pakistani Americans, Political Extremism, Terrorists, Times Square Car Bomber Faisal Shahzad
Have you heard about Lisa Mei Norton, right-wing Christian conservative country singer/songwriter?
She wants to keep her guns, finds Michelle Malkin and her ilk to be “smart,” thinks we’ve gone socialist, believes Obama wasn’t born here and loves to (tea) party. Oh, and she’s already working on the indoctrinasian of her six-year-old son. Translasian: She watches Fox News.
Filed under: A Revolution's Brewing, Anti-Agin' Asian, Big Dawg, Boobs, Christian Conservatives, Conservatards, Conservatives, Country/Western Singers, Disappointing Your Parents and Your Parent-Country, Enough Already, FOX News is a Joke, God Lovers, Grating Voices, Gung-Ho, Guns, Indoctrinasian, Liberty, Lisa Mei Norton, Logic Is Useless, Michelle Wie, Obama Birth Certificate, Pop Singers with 3rd-Grade Vocabularies, Really Smart People, Right Wing Nutjobs, Ruining Your Children, Singer/Songwriters, Tea Parties, Tea Party Anthem, Teabaggers, What the hell are you people talking about?, Why Does The Tea Party Get So Much Press?
You know those people who automatically assume you don’t speak English or say “Wow! Your English is really good” when it’s obvs your first language or the people who never seem to be able to understand what you’re saying even though you basically speak the Queen’s English and the OED is, like, your favorite book?
Filed under: Bad Spellers, Conservatards, Fringe, Hypocrisy, Really Stupid People, So-Called Activism, Speak English, Stupid People, Tea Party Conventions, Tea Party Protests, Teabaggers, Teabagging Protests, The Queen's English
Happy birthday to Chuck Norris, who turned 70 this week!
We’re not sure how someone who actually knew the late great Bruce Lee and came into contact with his philosophical deepness could become such an anti-gay, anti-abortion, anti-science, fearmongering toolbag…
…but no one’s perfect, right Chuck?
From the Top 50 Chuck Norris Facts:
When you say “no one’s perfect,” Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult.
Filed under: Black Belts, Bruce Lee, Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris Abortion, Chuck Norris Evolution, Chuck Norris Facts, Chuck Norris Gay Marriage, Conservatards, Karate, Martial Artists, Martial Arts, Tae Kwon Do, Tang Soo Do, Way of the Dragon
The 2010 Conservative Political Action Conference, affectionally known as CPAC, is under way as we speak in our nation’s capital.
“Our notion of freedom doesn’t consist of snorting cocaine, which distinguishes us from Barack Obama.”
Oh ho ho ho ho! ZING!
(Cock-sure commenters, we know that everybody’s parsing words. But this shit is seriously SO SILLY.)
Filed under: Alcoholics, Arrests, Bad Jokes, Cocaine, Coke, Conservatards, Conservative Pieces of Shit, Conservative Political Action Conference, Conservatives, CPAC, CPAC 2010, Drunks, George W. Bush Dick Cheney and Rush Limbaugh Are All Addicts, Huffington Post, Jason Mattera, Opiates, Oxycontin, Rehab, Rush Limbaugh Addiction, Rush Limbaugh Is A Junkie, Young America's Foundation
Last week, during his kickoff speech at the first National
Teabagger Tea Party Convention, former congressman Tom Tancredo called for voters to take civics literacy tests and suggested President Obama only got elected because the U.S. doesn’t require them.
“People who could not even spell the word ‘vote,’ or say it in English, put a committed socialist idealogue in the White House, name is Barack Hussein Obama,” Tancredo said.
Tancredo, a one-note anti-immigration advocate, got a partner-in-hysteria this week when Yeh Ling-Ling, executive director of the creepy-sounding Alliance for a Sustainable USA–a non-profit that champions an outright immigration moratorium and couches its anti-immigration agenda in more palatable terms such as “environmentalism” and being for “social coherence”–came out in support of the idea.
Ms. Yeh, wouldn’t you know, is herself an immigrant several times over. From a 2004 Sierra magazine–as in The Sierra Club–profile:
Filed under: Anti-Immigration, Beans and Ricism, Civics Literacy Test, Conservatards, Haters, Immigrant Haters, Immigrants, Immigration Reform, National Tea Party Convention, Ricism, Tea Party Conventions, Tom Tancredo
Happy birthday to Sarah Palin, who turns 46 today!
Age ain’t nothin’ but a number, right?
Here are some other numbers to chew on on this special occasion (cuz we’re Asian, and we love math):
Filed under: Age Ain't Nothin' But a Number, Conservatards, FOX News is a Joke, Going Rogue, Sarah Palin, Sarah Palin 2012, Sarah Palin Birthday, Sarah Palin FOX News, Sarah Palin Is Not Qualified To Be President, Sarah Palin Unqualified
Early twenty-something boys don’t catch a lot of breaks, it’s true. Sure, they’ve started wearing ties to work–but they’re still making coffee. They spend dinner on the couch with $5 footlongs, a bong, the roommate who shits twice as much and never buys toilet paper. They have unexplainable indoor furniture (1980s rolling desk, black entertainment stand, armless teal fabric La-Z-Boy knockoff) on their outdoor balcony. Their early twenty-something ex-girlfriend is now (joyfully) screwing a thirty-something with a tastefully furnished starter house and an Audi.
So there’s a part of me that understands why the four guys in the “O’Keefe Gang” (that little nickname is just so adowwable) dressed up as telephone company workers to tap Democratic Senator Mary Landrieu’s federal building phones (no, they did not crib this saucy ploy from a Martin Lawrence film), in hopes of embarassing her and taking widespread Conservatard credit for it–typically the kind of instant notariety that only causing a public smear of a non-profit fighting institutionalized disenfranchisement or creating the world’s biggest timesuck can earn you. They wanted to be important! They wanted to count for something! AWW!
Filed under: ACORN, Anti-Feminists, Conservatards, Flogging, Illegal Activities, James O'Keefe, Mary Landrieu, Penis Monologues, Pimp Costume, Sen. Mary Landrieu, The O'Keefe Gang, Whoopsieeee, William Flanagan Son, Wiretapping