DISGRASIAN™

Michelle Bachmann’s Got Jokes

Watch the speech Rep. Michelle Bachmann (R-MN) gave today at the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC), in which she pokes fun at her SOTU response gaffe, manages a pun on Chinese President Hu Jintao’s name that no one’s ever made before, and invites all of her college-aged groupies–some of whom are presumably underage–to “party hardy” with her later:

But, hey, at least Bachmann knows her math:

“There’s a difference between millions and billions. But there’s an even greater difference between billions and trillions.”

Mind is blown.

Because, seriously, Bachmann-as-the-Human-Calculator is pretty impressive, Continue reading Michelle Bachmann’s Got Jokes

Filed under: Climate Change, Comediennes, Conservatards, Conservative Political Action Conference, Crazypants, Evolution, Hu Jintao, Hu's Your Daddy, Math, Michelle Bachmann, Michelle Bachmann CPAC, Michelle Bachmann Is Good at Math, Michelle Bachmann SOTU Response, Michelle Bachmann Tea Party, President Hu Jintao, Really Stupid People, Stand-Up, Stand-Up Comedy, Tea Party

TMZzZzZzZzz: Celebrity “Journalism” Sinks To New Lows, Mocks Poverty

Comedienne Charlyne Yi recently got involved in promoting anti-poverty relief organization Oxfam. She was approached by TMZ to film her efforts for the non-profit and reluctantly agreed, because she wanted to spread the word to a wider audience.

Here’s what TMZ cut together and aired on TV:

I love celebrity tabloid journalism as much as the next person–okay, okay, more than the next person–because it’s fun to see celebrities called on their bullshit, but Charlyne isn’t a celebrity in that way–I mean, have you seen her YouTube channel?–and poverty isn’t some celebrity trend like a food cleanse or vajazzling.

Also: “Did Pinkberry run out of green tea flavor”? Really? It’s not enough to mock poor, starving people, you gotta add on a hack racist zinger, too?

[Charlyne Yi on Tumblr: 1) Compromising my beliefs: TMZ is the Devil]

Filed under: Celebrity Journalism, Charlyne Yi, Charlyne Yi vs. TMZ, Comediennes, Having No Shame, Mocking Poor People, Oxfam, Poverty, Racist Jokes, Tabloid Journalism, TMZ, TMZ Makes Fun of Poor Starving People

Chelsea Handler Makes Asian Small Penis Joke

Wednesday night, Chelsea Handler interviewed Bradley Cooper about his experience working on The Hangover, and talk turned to that now-infamous scene in the movie in which Ken Jeong goes full-frontal. Handler then decided to make the ol’ Asian Small Penis joke:

BRADLEY COOPER: Ken Jeong’s penis on my neck was very normal. Ken came up with that idea that day.

CHELSEA HANDLER: I bet he did.

BRADLEY COOPER: He said, Hey, Todd, I’d like to be naked. And he’s like, Yeah, sure, whatever. And then I didn’t realize…the part I play in that scenario, was that I get, like, neck herpes from it. But he hid it well, so it was okay.

CHELSEA HANDLER: Well, he’s Asian, so…

Watch HERE.

There’s a lot I could say about this–like, how it’s exactly the kind of unfunny hacky tripe people have come to expect from Chelsea Handler–but I’m just going to let the hate mail that’s going to get heaped on this chick do all the talking.

(psst…Here’s her Twitter profile.)

[AOL TV: Bradley Cooper Dishes on Ken Jeong's Penis]

Filed under: Asian Penises, Bradley Cooper, Chelsea Handler, Comediennes, Hacks, Penises, Racist Jokes, Small Penis Jokes, Unfunny People

Happy Menstruasian My Ass

We interrupt our regularly scheduled programming…so that I can talk about my period. Guys, don’t be candy asses and go “eww.” Only gays are exempt from this conversation. The thing about periods is…they fuckin’ suck. (And no, I’m not on-the-rag at the moment, but just writing about my menstrual flow makes me furious, hateful, and in desperate need of spaghetti and chocolate.) It’s hard to imagine that once upon a time, like Judy Blume’s Margaret, I actually wished for the thing. Oh please Lord, make bloody chunks of my uterus fall out once a month so that I can wear a diaper or a tiny cotton penis with a string all day long like a real woman! Periods are messy. Periods are smelly (except to dogs, who think bloody tampons are filet mignon). Periods prevent you from getting a perfect score on your computer science exam because they max out your so-called maxi-pad after an hour and make you spend the rest of your exam time in the girls’ bathroom scrubbing the blood out of your acid-washed jeans with those brown paper towels that disintegrate into tiny granules the moment they get wet and yes, I’m still bitter about it.

Uh, where was I? Oh right, periods suck. So when I read this morning that Japanese comedienne Naomi Matsushima has designed pads printed with stars and camo so that “women could pass their menstrual period more happily,” I very nearly booked a flight to Japan just so I could find Naomi and punch her in the boob.

Naomi, you and I both know that there is no way to pass your menstrual period “more happily.” You can pass your menstrual period without ramming your Volvo into that douchebag’s Escalade who stole your parking spot at the mall. You can pass your menstrual period without bitch-slapping a stranger who looks at you sideways in a bar. You can pass your menstrual period without totally kicking in your boyfriend’s balls so that he’s unable to father children in the future. Is that the definition of happiness? If so, then we are in agreement. If not, I can only conclude that you’ve never gotten your period nor do you have a uterus and you are, in fact, an incredibly life-like robot that sad pervs looking for artificial companionship would gladly throw their money at because, among other things, they’ll never have to deal with the “eww” of your unhappy menstrual period.

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Filed under: Bloody Messes, Boob Punching, Comediennes, Eww, Judy Blume, Kissing Robots, Menstruasian, Naomi Matsushima, Period Pieces, Periods, PMS, Robots

You’re Beau-ti-fuuul

After a jaunt Down Unda, Margaret Cho’s new stand-up tour Beautiful hits Stateside tomorry. Click here for tour dates and ticket info.

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Filed under: Amazians, Comediennes, Funny Ladies, Margaret Cho, The Beautiful Tour