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PPPPPPPPPPPPPSSSSSSSSSSSSSSTTTTTTTTTTTT, JLo! Just saw the trailer for your new comeback romantic comedy, The Back-up Plan:
…and shit! I hate to break it to you, but I think you may actually have been in this movie before.
Filed under: Comebacks, Formulas, Having Another Go, Idiotic Movie Concepts, JLo, Movie Dopplegangers, Not Sandra Bullock, Romantic Comedies, Shameless Attempts At Staying Relevant, This Makes Me Sad, Throwbacks, Wacktresses, X Actresses That Are Not Perky And Adorable Enough To Play Lovable Neurotics
Ethnicity: Filipino and Polish
Hails from: Federal Way, WA
Occupation: Olympic short-track speed skater
Known for: Making an astonishing comeback at the 2010 Winter Games by winning bronze in the 1500, after crashing at the Olympic Trials five months before, cutting open his left leg to the bone with his skate, and missing his femoral artery by one inch. Having a Hardass Asian Mama who believed in him, who raced out onto the ice after his accident and told him when he thought his Olympic Dream was over: “No, it’s not over, J.R. You’re going to be fine.” Becoming the sport’s heir apparent to Apolo Anton Ohno, who took silver in the 1500 to tie Bonnie Blair’s record of most medals won (six) at a Winter Olympics.
On that note…
Filed under: 2010 Winter Olympics, Apolo Anton Ohno, Apolo Anton Ohno Most Decorated Winter Olympian, Apolo Anton Ohno Ties Bonnie Blair, Asians and Speed Skating, Comebacks, Hardass Asian Moms, Hardass Asian Mothers, J.R. Celski, J.R. Celski Bronze 1500, Vancouver Winter Olympics
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I happen to enjoy the fact that Twisted Sister is making strides towards a comeback, even though they were never really at the top tape of my bin (They were kind of a “Pontiac Firebird” band, and I always felt more “Chrysler LeBaron Convertible”). Dee Snider actually entertains me quite consistently as a droopy-faced older gent with a bag full of memories and VH1 sound-byte commentary–much more so than the droopy-faced, garish loudmouth he was in his youth.
When director Ben Kim told us that he and D.P. Jonathan Yi (Ed. note–Two almond-eyed men bossing people around from behind the camera? Yummers!) had helmed a hot of ze presses music video for Twisted Sister’s newest track, “30,” we were pleased as punch.
We really just kinda love their straightforward approach–Simple setting, clean concept: A dramatic dusting off of Marshall stacks and a sweet-ass drum kit. Old metalheads giving it another go.
And the fact that two of our peeps have the mettle to shoot metal in HD? Even better.
Filed under: Aging Nicely, Ben Kim, Comebacks, Cool Music Videos, Dee Snider, I So Fucking Love Hair Metal, Jonathan Yi, Metalheads, One of Us One of Us One of Us, Twisted Sister, Vh1, We're Gonna Take It
Hails from: Japan
Occupation: Professional tennis player
Why She’s a Babe: Because Kimiko came out of a 12-year retirement from tennis last year to compete again professionally. And at 38 years old, she’s typically playing opponents half her age. At 5’4″, 117 lbs.–of compact, tightly-ripped muscle–she’s also taking on players who are way bigger and faster than they were back in her day. That takes–no pun intended–balls. And ballsy play–even when you lose in the first round of Wimbledon–is hot.
Four years on the musical slave plantasian has apparently not been kind to Gwen Stefani’s vocal cords.
The new No Doubt leaked release (a cover of Adam Ant’s “Stand and Deliver”) is shit. Absolute shit. I’ve tried to get through a complete listen–using a survival tactic often purposed for bad sex–by focusing on the image of Tony Kanal’s oh-so-pretty face and trying not to listen too hard to the slinkys that have apparently lodged themselves in Stefani’s larynx, but it’s not working at all. Is this No Doubt comeback reunion really going to work? Does the chick with the microphone even have the ability to make music without Japanese backup anymore?
It’s gonna take awhile to answer those questions. Somebody get me an Excedrin Migraine and a vibrator, stat.
Ladies and Gentlemen…
At long last, the first song from the long-awaited (although we’re not sure how much-anticipated) new Guns N’ Roses album Chinese Democracy is here. Idolator tipped us off to this streaming download:
…and we, like many others, have given it a few listens. Here’s our take, the track has legitimately Slash-y axework, it features Axl-squeal-voice and tough-guy-Axl-voice, and–AND submits the words “nation” and “masturbation” in one lyrical breath. Wow. We mean… WOW.
Okay, so it’s clear that these sexy bitches are no longer the men we’re rocking to…
I’LL ONLY ADMIT THIS ONCE: I totally stand corrected…
Britney is BACK, yo! I don’t care if she used a body double for the wide-angle face-to-the-wall nudie shots (I’m pretty sure she did). I don’t mind that this video is just a cubicle-take on her “Toxic” video, and that she doesn’t shake her tail feather quite as well as she did at 16. Her face looks youthful, her eyes aren’t dead, and K-Fed doesn’t make an appearance. This song is catchier than a venereal disease! This crazy bitch is BACK!
Britney Spears, under the lock-down advisory of her beloved pops, has essentially cleaned up her act. There have been no cracked-out visits accompanied by the paparazzi to her local Jack-in-the-Box, no eruptions of violence on any automobiles, no party-kill moments of rejection at the entrance of the Four Seasons, no head shavings, no marriages, no divorces, no pregnancies. All in all, this is a very good time for the former pop princess. Relatively speaking.
She remains, however, a kind of tragic mystery. We love that she’s shaping up and getting her life together and recording music and all of that stuff, but do we expect a grand comeback? Not really. The real question is: Does she? Does she?
You’ve really gotta wonder why she even wants the spotlight anywhere near her overexposed puss at this point–though fame hath giveth her so much, it clearly taketh so much more away. And it shows. Among the cameras ever at Brit’s side for the last few months has been an MTV documentary lens, collecting intimate footage of the troubled celebrity through the process of stacking her life back together. The project, currently titled For the Record, seems a half-hearted attempt for her to set the record straight, and prove to the world that she’s not really as fragmented, sad, poorly-raised, and uncouth as she might seem. (Remember how well that worked the first time?)
It’s too hard to tell at this point exactly what proof is in the poorly-shot pudding. But we’ll see.
At the close of Record‘s trailer, Britney says: ” I sit there and I’ll look back and I’m like: I’m a smart person. What the hell was I thinking?”
Thing is, if she was actually a smart person, she would have stopped talking to cameras by now.
Filed under: Britney Spears Should Retire, Celebrity Whores, Chaotic, Comebacks, Documentaries, For the Record, Give It Up, MTV, Not Smart People, Sad, Setting the Record Straight, Shaping Up, Tragic Mysteries
Hails from: Houston, TX
Occupation: Olympic gymnast
Known for: Failing to make the U.S. Olympic Men’s Gymnastics Team not once, but twice; being named an alternate for the 2004 Games in Athens and having to watch the men’s team win silver from the stands; almost quitting the sport after that painful experience; being named an alternate this year, only to be promoted less than two weeks before the Olympics when Paul Hamm dropped out due to injuries; turning in solid performances in the qualifying round to help the men make the team finals, which will be held on Tuesday; sporting unreasonably big guns for such a small–5’3″, 118 lbs.–dude.
Another reason to root for Raj? He’s a native Houstoniasian. And the trippy thing about that is he’s a product of the Cypress Academy of Gymnastics (like teammate Jonathan Horton), which is not only smack-dab in the middle of Jen’s hometown, it’s where she took gymnastics as a kid. Oh, and that’s where she broke her hymen on the balance beam, too, but, uh, that’s a story for another time. Go Raj! Reprzent!
As much as these words feel like broken chalk on my tongue, I must say them: congratulasians to the New York vaGiants. Super Bowl XLII was a thrilling game and probably the biggest NFL upset I’ve ever witnessed. I’m so bummed for Junior Seau and hope that he returns for another season, because that was no way to end a ringless 18 year-career, particularly his.
History was made yesterday, although it wasn’t just about the Giants beating the Patriots. Head referee Mike Carey became the first African-American official to work a Super Bowl. I was stoked, because Carey is very good at his job, if a bit strict–he’s handed out the most player ejections in the league–and because I find him kinda hot. I don’t know if it’s the ‘stache or how his butt looks in those white pants or the exaggerated manner in which he makes calls, a weird cross between the gestures of a traffic cop and a modern dancer. Some chicks (and dudes) dig Ed Hochuli and his ginormo muscles, but not this gal.
Carey and his crew did an excellent job in the Super Bowl, refraining from making too many pass interference and holding calls that might have affected the game’s outcome. But one thing Carey couldn’t do was keep Patriots coach Bill Belichick from walking off the field with one second and one play left in the game.
Did Belichick really think that the clock had run down or was he being a dick, as usual? Was he trying to create a scene at the end of the game and not let the Giants have their moment? I can’t imagine why he’d be in such a hurry to get off the field, since he’s got to deal with this in the offseason:
Would the NFL have buried “Spygate” if the Pats had been perfect?
That’s a tough call that no one now has to make.
Filed under: Comebacks, Historic Moments, Hot Refs, Junior Seau, Losers, Mike Carey, Spygate, Super Bowl XLII Didn't Suck, The New England Patriots, The New York Giants, Tight Pants, Tough Calls, Winners