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Fortunately, We Already Have a Gay Best Friend

June 17th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Ahem. In other I’m a ["]Celebrity["]… Get Me Out of Here! news: Sanjaya Malakar is still convinced that he’s not gay.

Need evidence? In last night’s episode, he awkwardly pushes himself up against former pro wrestler Torrie Wilson to prove his straightness, giggles, and then pulls away. Hot behavior–white hot. And totally something a straight guy could and would do while bearing a shit-eating grin and not springing a boner.

As Straight As It Gets

I buy it, don’t you?? Anyway, moving on. I’m in the mood to go dancing, perhaps to some Madonna. Who’s in?

[NBC: I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! - Official Site]

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Fagtasy Idol

April 25th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Booted American Idol contestant Sanjaya Malakar tells People this week that he “understand(s) women,” gets along with us better than men, but is NOT GAY.

Sanjaya, you dear, sweet Gaysian. Let me tell you how life after Idol is supposed to go down:

You kiss gloomy Seattle goodbye and, for fear of turning into a pillar of Gore-Tex, never look back, then you move to New York, make a very quiet splash on Broadway–in Rent, Wicked, Hairspray, take your pick–learn the meaning of the word “fierce,” record a shitty album that goes triple-platinum, befriend an Olsen, develop a coke habit, flunk out of rehab, become Marc Jacobs’ new boy toy, become a huge raging bitch drunk on your newfound fame, did someone say drunk?–get a DUI, go on a fad diet, refuse to sign autographs for 9 year-old girls anymore, laugh in derision when they cry, start wearing heels, take over Page Six with your high-heeled, table-dancing club antics, flash your junk to the paparazzi while tumbling out of a town car on your way to slurp champagne and oysters at Balthazar, return to rehab, date another reality TV star whose name is “Lane,” fall madly in love, move to L.A. for your careers, to a treehouse off of Laurel Canyon, have a well-publicized commitment ceremony with white orchids everywhere and Paula Abdul and your busty sister serving as bridesmaids (you, of course, are the bride), adopt a Chinese baby, become a humanitarian, hit the gay-rights lecture circuit, win some awards lauding your courage of conviction.

If you’re really not gay, Sanjaya, then nothing in this fagtasy will come true. Which means you may as well pull up the hood on your purple rain jacket, skedaddle back to Seattle, and begin reminiscing about your 15 minutes of fame right now.

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