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DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! The Karate Kid And Red Dawn: Two Movie Remake-Wrongs Don’t Make A Right
NEWSFLASH: China is America’s enemy.
Okay, so this is not news exactly. But it’s a meme that’s getting some pop cultural attention this year with the release of two 80′s movie remakes that promote the idea–two of my favorite movies growing up, as it so happens–The Karate Kid, which opens in a week, and Red Dawn, which will debut in November.
The new Karate Kid is set in Beijing, where those oversized, sandy-haired thugs, aka Cobra Kai, have been updated into a gang of oversized, slanty-eyed thugs.
Say what you will about bad guys, but they always know how to rock a uniform, even when it’s dorky as hell
There are good Chinese people to balance out this “I am extremely terrified of Chinese Continue reading DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! The Karate Kid And Red Dawn: Two Movie Remake-Wrongs Don’t Make A Right
Filed under: 80's Movie Remakes, 80's Movies, Bullies, China, China the New Superpower, Chinysteria, Cobra Kai, I Am Extremely Terrified of Chinese People, Jackie Chan, Karate Kid Remake, Red Dawn, Red Dawn Remake, Remakes Always Suck, The Chinese Are Coming The Chinese Are Coming, The Karate Kid, Underdogs, Wolverines, Xenophobia, Yellow Peril
The Red Dawn Remake: Good News! (Not Really)
More Red Dawn remake news:
We’ve learned via Angry Asian Man that 1) the updated story, where a small midwestern American town is invaded (this time) by the Chinese, is xenophobic, as feared, but 2) all of this is made up for by the presence in the script of a certain Erica Yu, “17 year-old knockout Asian-American captain of the cheerleading squad,” who becomes a member of the Wolverines resistance.
Or is it?
Because as of this week, that character–who was “Erica Mason” in the original and played by Lea Thompson–has already been cast, according to Entertainment Weekly, and the Australian actress playing her, Isabel Lucas, is decidedly not Asian.
Then again, EW‘s description of what happens to Erica in the movie–“(a)fter the invasion she is incarcerated in an internment camp” (did someone say internment?!)–well, that makes her sound Asian at least.
Maybe they can slap some yellow face paint and chinky eye-makeup on the girl to complete the picture.
Sigh.
Meanwhile, check out actor Roger Fan’s post about his refusal to play all of the Chinese villain parts at the studio table-read of the remake script over at the delightfully-named, You Offend Me You Offend My Family.
[AAM: Chinese Invaders! First Look at the Red Dawn Remake Script]
[Latino Review: Exclusive: First Look At the Red Dawn Reboot!]
Filed under: Chinysteria, Hollywood Whitewashing, I Am Extremely Terrified of Chinese People, Red Dawn Remake, Roger Fan, The Chinese Are Coming
The Red Dawn Remake: The Chinese Are Coming! The Chinese Are Coming!
Red Dawn was one of my favorite movies as a kid. It starred my girlhood crush, C. Thomas Howell. It was released in 1984, a year after The Outsiders, and it reunited three of that movie’s cast members: Howell, Patrick Swayze, and Darren Dalton. Red Dawn was, in fact, a lot like The Outsiders, only this time, the kids were armed with machine guns and RPG’s instead of knives and chains, and they were fighting a much bigger enemy than the Socs.
It was also a movie about America being invaded by the Soviets (and the Cubans), and group of all-American teens who become freedom fighters in the resistance against them. If you watch it now, the story seems much more about the mujahideen in 1980′s Afghanistan than it does about America. But it seemed so plausible at the time–to me, especially, as a child–that we could be invaded by the Soviet Union, because we were still firmly in the grips of the Cold War, and Russia was our enemy.
A Red Dawn remake is in the works, scheduled to begin production in September. Most of the principal cast has been confirmed, the latest addition being Connor Cruise, 14 year-old son of Tom Cruise. Remakes are generally never as good as their originals, but what really worries me about the Red Dawn remake is that the foreign invaders this go-around are apparently going to be…Chinese.
This isn’t entirely surprising, given how much cultural anxiety people feel these days about China taking over everything. Shoot, I even wrote a post two years ago during all of that China toy-recall hysteria and gave it this label: “I Smell a Remake of Red Dawn Only This Time the Invaders Have Slanty-Eyes.”
But this is 2009 and not 1984. Everybody knows that if the Chinese are going to take over America, they’re not going to do it by military force–they’re going to do it by buying up all of our real estate! Which, I suppose, is less exciting cinematically than guerrilla warfare. But I do wonder how the filmmakers are going to pull this off, if there’s any way to do Red Dawn with a Chinese enemy without it being totally racist?
All I can say is we’ll be keeping an eye on this remake. One very skeptical slanty-eye.
Filed under: C. Thomas Howell, Chinysteria, Cold Wars, I Smell a Remake of Red Dawn Only This Time the Invaders Have Slanty-Eyes, Patrick Swayze, Red Dawn, Red Dawn Remake, The Chinese Are Coming
DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Hipster Runoff`
From time to time, we use satire to talk about race issues. Often we do so because life is so unfunny, it’s a joke. Or because the only way to get people to think about uncomfortable things is not to beat down the gates but to distract them with some kind of Trojan Horse. Other times, it’s simply the most expedient way to spit out the metallic taste of bile and blood that ignorance leaves in our mouth.
This week, Hipster Runoff, a satirical blog about all things “alt” and “authentic” (“What is the most authentic body part 2 do blow off of?”) that reveres hipsterdom while simultaneously underscoring how it’s just as full of mindless followers as the mainstream, published a post called “Should I h8 AZNs?” Here are a few excerpts:
Sad about the economic crisis, and how AZNs have been smarter than us about saving ‘money’ and only spending what they have. I think America is beautiful. We’ve had a good run, but maybe we’re not as special as we thought we were. Kinda sad. I still feel ‘cooler’ than a lot of foreigners, and like smarter…Is it cool to ‘be better’ towards AZNs who live in America, or are they ‘one of us’? Or should we construct some ‘internment camps’ in the middle of the USA where we force all AZNs to live and do manual labor, even if they are respected within society? Not trying 2 be radical, just know that we have 2 hold some1 accountable for our crisis, and it might ‘unite’ our country if we single out a group of people who are responsible. Kinda like when they had 2 find communist actors in Hollywood.
I don’t really know much about China, except that they are ‘commie reds’, violate a lot of human rights, and pollute a lot. Learned that from the newspaper…
Should I h8 azns and hold them responsible for the destruction of my country?
Or should I move out of the USA and move to an authentic city like Paris/Beijing/Tokyo/Cairo?
There are several Hipster Runoff posts that begin similarly with a question–“Should I Vote?” or “Is it ALT 2 watch the Super Bowl?”–where the answer is patently obvious, and “Should I h8 AZNs?” was probably intended to fall into that category.
Unfortunately, “Should I h8 AZNs?” is not satire. It highlights a very real cultural anxiety and its attendant racist backlash without taking it to task in any substantive way. While some of the post’s defenders brand it as satire in the comments section, others take it for what it really is–license to be a dumbass:
lets kills all AZN males.
and all the AZN woman can clean are houses and get naked for uswhen the end comes the asians and jews will be left to rule mwuahah
think maybe we should make the ayzns and mexicans and non alt girls slaves again
funny… i love AZNs love em. but thats a problem too.
it’s called reverse racism.
I love the bcoz their azns. with their petite frames and slanty eyes! amazing…
It’s a fettish.
even economic turmoil doesn’t stop me loving them.
A number of commenters on the post do protest that “Should I h8 AZNs?” crosses the line, but that’s precisely the problem. It doesn’t cross the line–the line into satire–it toes the line of reality. That China is taking over everything, and people are really fucking bitter about it. And it’s okay to turn our cultural anxieties about not being the Number One Superpower into outright xenophobia, and it’s acceptable to hate when you feel like somebody else is downsizing your dick.
If “Should I h8 AZNs?” had been satire, the answer to its central question would have been an obvious, resounding “no.” As it stands, the feeling you’re left with is far more murky and unclear. The post does nothing to dissuade the reader from saying “yes” to the question or from thinking that h8ing Asians is okay. The only thing that is clear to us after reading “Should I h8 AZNs?” is that these AZNs h8 Hipster Runoff.
Filed under: Alt, Carles, Chinysteria, Death to Hipsters, Fear of a Yellow Planet, Hipster Runoff, Hipsters are Hateful, License to Be Racist, Mainstream, Mindless Shit, This is Bullshit, Xenophobia
The Chinese Are Coming! The Chinese Are Coming!
…And they’re bringing over bags of cash to buy up our property, according to the SF Chronicle.
A group of 40 Chinese real estate investors are currently en route from Beijing to California to shop for foreclosed and other “distressed” properties in the Golden State (it’s like “Gold Mountain” finally coming to fruition, 160 years later).
An anti-Chinese immigration poster from the late 1800′sSoon to follow: The Backlash. Fear of a Yellow Planet, Yellow Peril, and Chinysteria, thinly veiling a deeper fear and anxiety about Our Collective American Dick shrinking.
Can’t wait.
Filed under: Backlashes, California Real Estate, Chinysteria, Fear of a Yellow Planet, Gold Mountain, The Chinese Are Coming The Chinese Are Coming, The Recession, Yellow Peril
Damn You, Sleeping Chinese
One thing I did not get for my birthday yesterday was sleep. Despite having a pasta-tasting menu for dinner (five buttery pasta courses = sleep, right?), I found myself awake at 5 a.m.–again–drinking scotch out of my new birthday tumbler (I got two, one for me, one for Diana), catching up on my interwebz, commiserating with our friend Edana on Facebook, who was also awake and asking all of the pertinent questions one has at that twisted hour (namely, what’s wrong with us and why has alcohol failed us), and cursing this dull, repetitive, unceasing misfortune of mine.
So the last thing I wanted to see this morning was a website devoted to sleeping Chinese people. Because it’s like, How dare you. But the truth is, watching people sleep is fascinating, particularly when they’re not actually beside you in bed, taunting you with their sleepfulness. And the pictures are all taken of people asleep in public places, which suggests that these sad sacks probably have more in common with someone like me than I would think.
You’d think that the website’s premise would be kind of offensive, like sleeping Chinese people are no different than animals at the zoo, especially since the photos are taken by some German dude living in China, but the idea endeared itself to me after I read the photographer’s welcoming statement:
“They talk about ‘The Sleeping Giant’. About ‘The Birth of the New Super Power’ or ‘The Awakening of the Red Dragon’. Often with a strange kind of undertone, which is supposed to frighten us. The reality definitely looks more peaceful.”
Fighting Chinysteria one picture at a time? That’s one thing, at least, that’ll help me sleep better at night.
To go to sleepingchinese.com, click here.
[via BuzzFeed]
Source
Thanks to everyone for their delightful birthday messages!
Filed under: Birthday Presents, Chinysteria, Insomnia, No Rest for the Weary, Sleeping Chinese, Sleeping in Public, Sleepy People
China–Don’t Worry, It’s Just An Album
Media outlets have latched on to a wild headline story printed in one Chinese newspaper this week that erupted in angst towards Guns N’ Roses’ 15-years-ready recent release, Chinese Democracy.
AP reports:
In an article Monday headlined “American band releases album venomously attacking China,” the Global Times said unidentified Chinese Internet users had described the album as part of a plot by some in the West to “grasp and control the world using democracy as a pawn.” The album “turns its spear point on China,” the article said.
I’m no fan of the title, and as many of you remember, not even really one of the first single. But let’s slow down a bit here… should anyone really be giving credit to this guy:
…as any kind of figurehead for the West? Perhaps we should leave that distinction to someone who hasn’t yet forayed into hair-plugs, domestic violence, or general delinquency:
…and doesn’t need fifteen years to make a statement.
Source Source Source Source
Thanks, Jen!
Filed under: Axl Rose's Head Scares Me, China, Chinese Democracy, Chinysteria, Don't Worry, East Meets West, Guns N' Roses, Mediocre Albums, Statements, Too Much Credit, Unwarranted Accusasian
Wack-ster Baxter
Oh dear. What to do when your pharmaceutical company’s product, a blood thinner named heparin, is linked to dozen of American deaths?
Blame the FDA? Blame your own company for not thoroughly overseeing the production of their own product?
No! It’s much easier than that. BLAME CHINA. And make sure you tell everyone that the Chinese did it ON PURPOSE, cuz everybody knows they’re trying to git us and it’s totally freaky!
Check it out! Baxter CEO Robert Parkinson knows how to do it:
“We’re alarmed that one of our products was used in what appears to have been a deliberate scheme to adulterate a life-saving medication, and that people have suffered as a result,” Baxter chief executive Robert Parkinson told a US Congress panel.
That’s the way, Parkinson! Keep the focus off of Baxter. It’s the only way to save your asian, I mean ass.
Filed under: Baxter, Chinysteria, Contaminasian, Medication, Nobody Is Accountable Anymore, Robert Parkinson, Scare Tactics, The Chinese Are Coming The Chinese Are Coming, WTF?
D-Fence
An announcement that China will be increasing its defense budget by (jaw drop) 18% this year has swept through the world at a dizzying pace. The United States, in particular, seems tense: What does it mean? Are the Chinese after us? Where are the bombs!!?!?!?
People are fa-reaked!
Fortunately, I know to stay calm. I’m just going to sit back in my Hummer, put on some John Cougar, and relax–knowing that when the Chinese wildly jack up their defense line to a whopping $58 billion, they don’t have a puny prayer against America’s $696 BILLION defense budget for 2008.
He he he, AMERICA RULES!!!
Filed under: Billions of Dollars, Bullies, Chinysteria, Defense Budgets, The Art of War Is So Played, The Chinese Are Coming The Chinese Are Coming, We're Big and Strong Right?, WooHoo Let's Spend More On Bombs
Don’t Bogart that Hair Dye
Chinese President Hu Jintao: Back in Bla-a-ack
Another alarming story about China using up all of our world’s resources came down the pike recently (are ya ready?): “Chinese Bigwigs Are Quick to Reach for the Hair Color.” The Wall Street Journal reported:
For aging men of influence here, the dye job appears to have become as commonplace as the Mao suit once was.
Then they published this graph of hair color sales almost doubling over the span of five years:
Which made me think, what if hair dye goes the way of air, electricity, coal, oil, and untainted goods and the Chinese use it all up?!? Then what?!? What am I supposed to do when my hair turns gray (which is not so far off in the future)?!? What about ME?!? Me me me, dammit! What about my vanity?!? What about my ability to succeed in elite circles because I look young and hot?!? Eeeeeeeeeeeeek!!! OMG!!! I’m fuh-reakin’ OUT!!!
Damn you, China. Damn you.
Filed under: Back in Black, China's Taking Over Everything, Chinysteria, Hair Dye, Vanity
China’s Plan to Date-Rape Children Foiled!
BOY: Go ahead, eat some beads.
GIRL: Why would I eat them? That’s stupid.
BOY: You’ll feel great, maybe a little sleepy. Heh, heh.
GIRL: You’re a perv.
Happy Monday, everyone. Remember after the giant Mattel recall (that the toy company rightly shouldered the blame for eventually), when I said that “the Chinese secretly want to take over our country, eat our dogs, force us to speak ching-chong, rape our women with their tiny penises and then kill us”?
After hearing about the latest toy-recall debacle, in which the “date-rape drug” GHB was found in Aqua Dot toys manufactured in Shenzhen, China, I had to admit that I was wrong.
The Chinese not only want to take over our country, eat our dogs, force us to speak ching-chong, and kill us, but they want TO DRUG AND THEN DATE-RAPE OUR CHILDREN WITH THEIR TINY PENISES.
Why oh why are they so evil?!?
Filed under: Aqua Dots, Chinysteria, Date Rape, Evil Chinamen, GHB, Recall Is the New Black, Toys
Chinysteria: The New Cold War
God bless Canada.
Not only because it is home to my grandmother and my adorable cousins, and the most delicious soup dumplings in North America (Din Tai Fung in Markham, outside Toronto), but also because there are still RATIONAL PEOPLE there, like Professors Hari Bapuji and Paul Beamish, of the University of Manitoba and the University of Western Ontario, respectively. These two business academics are publishing a report that has found “(m)ost of the recalls of toys made in China are because of design errors, not manufacturing problems.” Their data is collected from U.S. recalls of Chinese-made toys from 1988 to the present.
The report points out that when Mattel recalled 20 million toys this past August, 80 per cent of the toys were pulled were because they contained small magnets, which is a design flaw. But Bapuji says all of the media focus has been on the lead paint issue. He says Canadian consumers should instead be demanding better of their toy makers.
It’s incredibly unseemly to toot one’s own horn, but we did write about EXACTLY THIS a month ago in “When in Doubt, Blame China.” And we have a new word for this xenophobic alarmism…CHINYSTERIA.
Meanwhile, Chinysteria continues to take over news headlines. The AFP published this one a few days ago:
“French government falls prey to cyber-attacks ‘involving China’”
And the Times (London) published this one:
“China’s cyber army is preparing to march on America, says Pentagon”
Because it’s the sixth anniversary of September 11th, everyone’s talking about Bin Laden and his new piece-of-shit video. I have to admit, Chinysteria scares me more than Osama. This is the new Cold War, folks. Hope everyone remembers how to duck and cover.
Filed under: Chinysteria, Cold Wars, I Smell a Remake of Red Dawn Only This Time the Invaders Have Slanty-Eyes, Osama Bin Laden, Thanks Canada, The Chinese Are Coming The Chinese Are Coming
