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12 Reasons To Watch Season 12 Of Dancing With The Stars

March 22nd, 2011 | 3 comments | Posted by Diana

Sure, Dancing With The Stars has lost a few viewers in its old age. Apparently, last night’s Season 12 premiere pulled a smaller audience than expected (by that, I mean 22.3 million viewers), 20% down from the last season.

But it actually gained one viewer: ME (Yes, I’ve tried once before, but couldn’t stick to my guns). Now, for the first time, I watched the first performances live on TV (which I couldn’t even do for the Kate Gosselin and Bristol Palin trainwrecks)–and I think I’m in for the whole season. Why? Because there are SO MANY REASONS to watch this season. Twelve, in fact, right off the top of my head:

Reason #1: Turns out that my football boyfriend and Steelers #86 Hines Ward is light as a feather on his feet, as evidenced by his much-lauded performance with Kym Johnson. I knew it, I knew it, I knew that man could dance! And dear me, is he better to look at without all that football gear. Ward is as smooth a mover as he is fast a runner. He’s as smiley on the dance floor as he is on astroturf. And I know I’m not the first person to make the “Mmn!” sound while looking at his perfect Hines-dquarters, underdig?

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Caption This: Cheryl Burke And Tom DeLay On Dancing With The Stars

October 27th, 2009 | 3 comments | Posted by Jen

cheryl burke and tom delay

[photo via HuffPo]

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DWTS: I Totally Get It (Not!)

September 23rd, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

My mom loves Dancing with the Stars, so–against all of my instincts–I’ve actually promised to give it a shot this season.

Thing is, the season opener boasted two of the most intense television moments I’ve ever witnessed:

Oh hohhhh ohhh…

Mark Dacascos and Lacey Schwimmer’s “Asian-themed” kung-fu/cha cha cha hybrid routine, set to the charming tune of Carl Douglas’s “Kung Fu Fighting, for one. (Here’s my point: Isn’t doing the cha cha cha almost Asian enough? Have you guys watched your parents at weddings?)

This shit is definitely wild

And, worse, or… better, or… I really don’t know, the super awkweird Me-Daddy-You-Jane cha cha cha of Tom DeLay and Cheryl Burke–who I guess would be two of my favorite people in bizarro world. DeLay can’t really help that he’s, well Tom DeLay. I get that. But some things he should never do EVER AGAIN are strum an air guitar, mouth dirty words to a woman in her twenties, and… cha cha cha.

The result of both in concert: CREEPY TINGLES EVERYWHERE, and we’re just talking about episode one!! I’m fucking scarred for life!

And you know what, I don’t know if I can go through this kind of trauma again. Not even for my mother (Sorry, Mom!). We’ll see.

Watch the full episode here, if you dare.

[ABC: Dancing with the Stars - Official Site]

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Thanks, Margie!

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BIRTHDAY CELEBRASIAN!

May 7th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

We’d like to wish a very happy birthday to Cheryl Burke, who turned 25 this week!

Cheryl, baby, don’t you dare think for a moment that since we pick on you sometimes, we don’t appreciate the fact that your kind is DISGRASIAN’s bread and butter. Ya hear that, Cheryl? You have a kind! And you’re like butta.

So don’t ever change–not one tiny thing, sweetums. Cuz if you ever fix that mom hair or stop making crazy faces at the paps, we’ll end up just twiddling our thumbs over here.

And we can’t have that, can we?

Happy birthday.

xo,
Diana and Jen

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Burke Up If Ya Wanna

October 24th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana


Lord knows I am not a big fan of Cheryl Burke or her show (I’ll admit, I can barely bring myself to talk about the mega-hitness of Dancing With the Stars, much less watch the program), but amidst all of this season’s complaints about her weight by blogs, internet losers with nothing better to talk about, and tabloids, I think she has handled herself pretty well. In a similar position, I don’t think I would have given all of the haters the satisfaction of a widely publicized response in People Magazine–I don’t think we owe morons a response; then again, I’m not a celebrity/sublebrity/paparazzi whore/public figure/cast member of a mega-hit TV show of any kind. I’m just a nerd with a laptop. The kind of nerd that crumbles up and cries in the corner when their 83-lb., 4′ 11″ grandma rushes up and grabs their arm, only to say, “You are looking fatter these days and spend too much time in the sun. Best way is to eat less and not spend time in the sun. [Motioning with arms] Too big! Too big!”

It’s one thing to take criticism from a bunch of nameless, faceless, ball-less losers out in the Interwebs, but a whole thing altogether when those piercing words blast at you from your grandma or your friends. In Cheryl’s case, it’s now coming from her male dancing peers at DWTS, Louis Van Amstel and Maksim Chmerkovskiy (again, very publicly–can’t these people have one conversation in a dressing room, for chrissake?). Chmerkovskiy told TV Guide this week: “When I first saw these women this season, I said, ‘Guys, you know the camera adds 10 pounds… You have to do something about this.’”

Van Amstel was quick to add: ““If you want to gain weight, it’s your prerogative… We all put on weight because there was no summer tour. But you have to deal with the consequences.”

Ah, spoken like true douchebags men who have never had birthing hips or PMS hunger. Sure, it’s not the most sympathetic take, but at least it’s honest (I guess? I’m still baffled at how some news group employee is collecting a paycheck for fact-checking stories like this. Isn’t there lots of genocide and a U.S. Presidential election and a war going on and stuff?).

Here’s the thing, though. When Van Amstel justifies the criticism by saying:

“(People) look at this show to be inspired and think, ‘If I just work hard enough, I can look like that,” Louis Van Amstel, who in “DWTS” season 6 was paired with Priscilla Presley, told the new issue of TV Guide. “If they watch someone who’s dancing her butt off and she’s still heavy, they can be discouraged. You have to take that responsibility.

…I’ve gotta pipe up. Okay, sure, some people watch DWTS to be inspired. But I would argue that more of them watch to see big ol’ football bears proving miraculously light on their toes, villains like Heather Mills falling on their asses, and useless people like Kim Kardashian being unceremoniously dumped on by the judges. They watch because they don’t want to click to the news on the next channel and find out that they can’t retire next year because their 401k is worth about as much as a pile of warm shit. They, like me, would rather do anything than finish compiling their stack of overdue expense reports. They can’t help but like Cloris Leachman. They like glittery costumes and fast footwork. They like the stunning rack that Brooke Burke’s plastic surgeon ex handily crafted for her. Lots, lots, lots of reasons.

Perhaps they’re looking to DWTS for inspiration, but y’know what? There are other places to find it. If Cheryl’s slight tummy pooch is enough to discourage them from keeping their ass in gear, we’ve got much bigger problems.

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A Donut Awaysian

July 7th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana


I actually thought this picture of my 58-year old Aunt Tracy–who is currently enjoying her second marriage/big house/new penchant for “trendy haircuts”–was pretty good, until I realized that it wasn’t her.

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THE INSANITY BAROMETER: Share Less, Burke

June 26th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana


When I first saw this photo of Cheryl Burke–who, as many of you know, I absolutely 100% do not understand the appeal of–I thought that maybe something fantastic happened. Like a paparazzo outside of Hyde suddenly came to his senses and realized he wasn’t dealing with a real celebrity, and told her–causing her to fly into conniptions. Or maybe some unseen gnome (working under the auspices of DISGRASIAN) ran quickly by and threw a tiny gnome water balloon at her face. Or maybe…


…she’s just a spastic, drunk, melodramatic, self-congratulatory, paparazzi whore celebutard with a crazy fuckin’ face.

Insanity barometer, so high against the sky!!!

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A Matter of Pride

April 29th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

What do you say to your buddies at the bar, later in the evening, on the night this happens to you?


“Yo dudes. Tonight was whack. I mean, I was swingin’ that hot bitch Cheryl Burke around. On Dancing With the Stars, you know, like the network TV show I star on. They’re thinking of changing the name, I think. Anyway, we were like, doin’ the salsa and shit. It was hot, man, boner city. Oh yeah, oh yeah, I’ve banged her. So like, we’re like shakin’ our hips or whatever–yeahhh–like that–and I’m wearing this fluorescent silky tank top, and suddenly, my arm just feels like a friggin’ knife is ramming through it. I can’t deal, I’m like, sweating. And I can’t even focus on my hips anymore and I’m just like, yelling inside, I grab my arm and she keeps dancing. And then she spins over to me for a dip and I just drop her on the ground. It turned out to only be a muscle cramp, guys, but it hurt. It really hurt though, guys. Seriously, like worse than any football injury I ever had. Um. So who wants another round of beer?”

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Face Alterasian?

March 26th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

From this TMZ video debacle, let us glean some informasian that can help us in the future.

Tip #1: Never ask an Asian woman if she’s considering Botox. She’s not. And she won’t be. And don’t hate her, but she’s not going to need to, not even in 15 years.

Tip #2: If you’re a ballroom dancer with a a 50-year-old mom’s haircut, and your name is “Cheryl,” don’t be upset if people ask you if you’re considering Botox. You’re not old enough to feel insecure about your age, and you aren’t making a great case for yourself anyway. You likely also work in Hollywood, sort of, where girls under 18 already think they need collagen in their lips. Instead of getting angry, just smile.

Tip #3: If you are a Dancing With the Stars cast member, don’t be snide with the paparazzi, as this is probably your only time in the sun. Savor it! Seriously. Savor it.

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Picking on Prosthetics?

March 12th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Did anybody else read this in The New York Post today?


Just a few questions/comments for Ms. Burke:

1) Who does your hair? Très weedwacker. I hate it.
2) Great halter top. I just googled you. I love that you apparently have a halter “thing.”
3) Who exactly are you and why should you be a celebrity? No no no, I mean really. And you have to answer the question without using the words “Lachey” or “reality TV” or “Koi.”
4) And lastly, this. I realize that’s it’s difficult to feel bad for Sir Paul McCartney’s [allegedly] gold-digging, once-racily-photographed, now-$56-million-dollars-richer ex, but DAYUM girl! These backhanded compliments about a legless lady just make you seem like a big ol’ halter-topped bully. What’s going to happen when taping starts? Are you going to yell “Hey Heather! Wanna be my partner in the three-legged race?” from across the dance floor? Why not just chase after her with a spitwad launcher while taunting, “Monopod, Monopod…”

Keep it clean, Carol. Sorry, CHERYL. CHERYL. I’ll get it right next time, I promise.

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