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As some of you know, our site was down yesterday.
And unlike most Monday mornings, where the most disturbing thing greeting us first thing is our weekend hangovers, there was so much bad shit going on in the world.
In other words, so much bad shit to blog about.
There was the ongoing tragedy taking place on Twitter, enacted by randos and well-known players alike–50 Cent, Gilbert Gottfried, the WNBA’s Cappie Poindexter, Family Guy writer Alec Sulkin–that made fun of the ongoing tragedy in Japan.
And, of course, there were also those two viral videos. The one about Asians in the library from UCLA student Alexandra Wallace, and the one about God punishing Japan with the earthquake because it’s a country of atheists (which has since been revealed as a hoax and the work of a troll).
Like we said: SO MUCH BAD SHIT.
So how, in a moment like this, could the Internet betray us and leave us without a forum to air out our grievances? Normally, we’d blame evil gnomes–which a friend suggested look exactly like Arcade Fire–but this was different. This was bigger.
Filed under: Alexandra Wallace, Asians In The Library, Assholes, Cheesedicks, Ching Ching Ling Long Ting Tong, Chinglish, Dickburgers, Dickfaces, Dumbasses, Earthquake, Gnomes, God Is So Good, Hangovers, Idiots, Internet Memes, Japan, Racists, Trolls, Tsunami, Twitter, UCLA, YouTube
Asian folks are used to being pointed to as sinister bell curve destroyers. ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT, we hear ya, everybody: we work too hard, study too often, score too high, achieve too much, and ultimately make everybody else’s mediocre asses feel shitty and look like shit. Let us loose and we’ll raise the bar too high. Leave us unchecked and we’ll take over everything–the schools, the companies, the communities!
Fine. We kick ass at stuff. Fine. Whatever.
So were we surprised when Canada’s Macleans OnCampus published an article last week called “Too Asian,” which griped about how Canadiasian students and their Hardass Asian work ethics have created environments at merit-based schools–like the University of Toronto–that are arguably soulless, party-free, achievement-heavy and unfun? That non-Asians are hesitant to attend such colleges because they’re basically flooded with almond-eyed robots? That, well, something needs to be done before the Asian-Canadian academic vibe cuts too deeply into the heart of the University spirit–historically defined by binge drinking, regrettable lays and texts from last night–causing a national cardiac arrest that may unravel society-at-large? (I mean, in the un-edited original version, at least, which is no longer available at the source but can be found here.)
Eh, not really. Annoyed, sure, shocked, hardly.
But let’s back up a bit. I did in fact just mention that the original version of this xenophobic opus is no longer available on OnCampus. A strong response from readers (aided by giants of the blogosphere and students like Anita, the machete-tongued gal who brought the piece to our attention) calling out the publication for their imbalanced and lazy reporting likely led editors to order up the highly-revised version that now sits at the URL. But rather than standing up and owning the piece, responding to commenters, or acknowledging in print: hey, we realize our first draft was a bit inflammatory; we’ve neutered our version, sorry!, Macleans quietly made some changes and said nothing.
That, my friends, is the true disgrace. These are the times, there is no shortage of material going out on the Web, everyone’s got an opinion, true journalism is more a mythical Pegasus than a shining stallion. We can’t stop people from printing words. Mediocre (or should I just say non-Asian?) words or not.
Filed under: Canadiasian, Changing Tunes, Cheesedicks, College, Edits, Hardass Asian Study Habits, Integrity, Macleans, Model Minority, No Takebacks, Party Schools, Racist Article In Macleans, Too Asian, Words Are Powerful
Here’s a photo of Kim Jong Il during a military unit visit on April 25, published in the South Korean newspaper Chosun Ilbo.
Huuuuuuunnnnh. Guess that’s the question of the hour. How very interesting.
Now wait. This is big. If North Korea is doctoring photos of Kim, that means one of the following:
- Kim Jong Il is finally so filled with shame and remorse for being a chubby, bull-headed, nuke-loving dick-tator, that he refuses to show his face in public anymore. Yay!
- Kim Jong Il is too fat to walk.
- Kim Jong Il overslept on June 25 and this photo was part of a sloppy coverup scheme.
- Kim Jong Il just discovered this awesome shit called Photoshop! Favorite tool: smudge.
- Kim Jong Il is dead as a bed.
- Kim Jong Il is ill for rill, near death, and not up and able for photo-ops. Time for him to throw in the goddamn towel and stop being such a giant worldwide cheesedick.
I’m going with 3. Totally.
Weren’t born with slanty-eyes but really really want them? Have no fear, slanties are here!
Based on “ancient Inuit eyewear,” slanties are sure to make you stand out among your round-eyed kinfolk! Although…
…they may just have the adverse effect and make you look like yet another useless hipster-cheesedick-stylebiter-turd-poseur-waste-of-space-and-humanity-and-barstools-at-watering-holes-I-used-to-like-to-drink-at in skinny jeans.
And the world needs more of those, really it does.
Thanks, Josh and Jasmine! Don’t be sad, Elizabeth!
Jen informed me today that a purse-snatching epidemic in San Jose aimed at Asian women, particularly Vietnamese, was reported in today’s local Mercury News (See the clip included in their piece above). The Asian-targeted attacks certainly aren’t isolated–Angry Asian Man pointed out “The Beacon Hill Groper’s” lurid exploits just this week, and I cried last month when I heard about the death of an Orange County mom who suffered a stroke after being pepper-sprayed by a twenty-something girl that snatched her lunch, thinking it was a purse.
Jen informed me today that a purse-snatching epidemic in San Jose aimed at Asian women, particularly Vietnamese, was reported in today’s local Mercury News (See the clip included in their piece above).
The Asian-targeted attacks certainly aren’t isolated–Angry Asian Man pointed out “The Beacon Hill Groper’s” lurid exploits just this week, and I cried last month when I heard about the death of an Orange County mom who suffered a stroke after being pepper-sprayed by a twenty-something girl that snatched her lunch, thinking it was a purse.The thought of such a violent, violating act–like that in the video above–happening to anyone I know, specifically my loved ones–Jen, my sisters, my friends, my Mom–makes me absolutely ill. Although perhaps not for the reason you’d assume…
A note to “The Rippers”:
IF YOU SO MUCH AS THINK OF LAYING A SNATCHING, GROPING, PEPPER-SPRAYING FINGER ON ONE OF MY LADIES, YOU WILL SUFFER A FATE SO GRUESOME THAT THE DEVIL WON’T EVEN WANT TO LOOK AT YOU. YOU WILL BE UNRECOGNIZABLE. YOU WILL BE INCONSOLABLE. YOU WILL BE WRECKED.
That’s just the truth, and that’s not my fault. They’s just some tough bitches.
A home video made in September by four cheesedicks at the University of the Free State (we shit you not) on Reitz Island, South Africa surfaced this week depicting five black workers at the school engaged in hazing-type rituals that included eating a stew that one of the cheesedicks had pissed in. The cheesedicks are white, the workers were suckered, and the video was made, according to the AFP, to oppose “an integration policy introduced this year that aims to make black and white students mix more in university hostels.”
Here’s the ten minutes of garbage:
The message at the end of the video says, “That, at the end of the day, is what we think of integration.”
The cheesedicks still at the school (two graduated) have since been barred from campus. We think their punishment should be more extensive, and include being forced to listen to the Chariots of Fire-theme over and over, Guantanamo-style, and eating 3 squares of piss a day.
Filed under: Chariots of Fire, Cheesedicks, Clutching a Cold One, Eating Piss, In the Words of Clay Davis--That is Some Shameful Sheeit, Racial Integration Now and Forever, South Africa, Unfunny Stuff
The U.S. Military held a “Day of Reflection” for troops in Japan today, to emphasize professionalism and core military values in light of allegations that two U.S. servicemen have committed sexual assaults on the island of Okinawa. The “Day” comes amidst a flurry of new accusations that 38-year-old marine Tyrone Luther Hadnott raped a 14-year-old Japanese girl earlier this week.
Collective reports around the globe state that Hadnott vehemently denies raping the girl, though he admits to forcing her down and kissing her.
Here’s the thing. We’d be glad to know that Hadnott had the wherewithal to avoid violating the poor victim’s privates, but that’s burying the headline: SHE’S A 14-YEAR OLD GIRL, AND FORCING ROMANTIC ADVANCES ON HER IS WRONG. This shit isn’t just disgraceful, it’s downright despicable.
Seeing Bai Ling’s mugshot, which was taken after she tried to shoplift two magazines and two packs of batteries yesterday at LAX (read Diana’s post about it here), made me feel kinda sorry for the girl.
What?!? Did I just say that I felt sorry for Bai Ling?
So then I wandered over to Bai Ling’s blog, which Diana turned me on to yesterday.
What?!? Did I just write that Bai Ling has a blog?
Her musings remind me of t-shirts my Taiwanese relatives used to send me as a kid:
At the Grammy now just to share with you
Iook at this painting in the restaurant, high up on the wall, crazy people And crazy life, just to share with you, what do You think?
again flying to the cold snow,.but looking forward to the work and wild nature, my heart is a little sad now, casted by the melody of life……
That is to say, they don’t make no damn sense.
Then there are her fans, who leave all kinds of purple prose-comments for Bai:
Once I got past the 1st grade grammar, I thought about this one. And I came to this conclusion: You’re damn straight, muthafucka. That’s why we’re taking over the world while you’re busy jacking off onto your keyboard.
What?!? Did I just agree with a cheesedick?
So, to recap last night’s riveting finale of A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila, where our favorite drive-bi had to choose between firefightress Dani and Booby, er, Bobby, professional cheesedick:
zzzZzzzzzzzZzzzz Tila lipsynchs in the studio zzZzZZzzzzzzzzz Tila rides a stripper pole and her tits “accidentally” fall out of her dress zzZZzZZzzzzzzzZzz Tila chooses Bobby zzZZzzzzzZzz Tila is not-gasp!-gay ZzzzZzzzzzzzZz The cha-rahde is finished zZzzzZZZZZZZz
Now, like poor Dani, who seemed genuinely devastated by Tila’s rejection, I hope that Diana and I can also move on with our lives and never utter another word about that mousey, predictable, no-talent, circus-tittied midget tramp again.
Thanks to all who wrote bastardly.com yesterday to tell them that their shit is fucked up and ricist. One of their authors, Jackson, is apparently Asian, so that justifies EVERYTHING. Today, they published some of your letters and responded in really excellent Mandarin to prove how down they are and in on the joke:
But observe the difference from before the hate mail to after:
Tell bastardly.com that is this is bullshit: firstname.lastname@example.org
Tell their parent company Complex Media that this is bullshit: 917-262-4000
And don’t forget to call Complex Media’s P.R. flak, to tell her that this bullshit: Sherry J. Bitting, 917-262-3111
Source: the cheesedicks who brought you bastardly.com
When I first saw this picture (on one of those icky celebrity gossip blogs ) of recently-split Johnny Knoxville and his gorge new girlfriend, I quickly wrote the post in my head:
“Keep your distance, oh beautiful ballet-slippered woman! Johnny Knoxville may be a tasty piece of flesh, but that beast might still be crawling with bugs from Jessica Simpson. YEESH!”
And then I scrolled down and read a few of the comments:
And my girls agree:
Last month, we sent out as much bad luck as we could summon through the ether to Roy Pearson, a talentless, unscrupulous hack of a judge up for reappointment in DC. This all, of course, went down smack dab in the middle of his $54-million dollar lawuit of a Korean couple who own his dry cleaners–over a pair of missing pants.
Shockingly, he was reappointed, but we at DISGRASIAN just discovered that he has finally lost the lawsuit by ruling of a real DC judge:
The judge hearing the case ruled that Pearson did not interpret that sign in a reasonable fashion.
“A reasonable consumer would not interpret ‘Satisfaction Guaranteed’ to mean that a merchant is required to satisfy a customer’s unreasonable demands,” D.C. Judge Judith Bartnoff wrote.
Pearson must pay several thousand dollars in filing fees and other court costs incurred by the defendants, Bartnoff ruled.
The Chung family will also ask the judge to require Pearson to pay their legal bills, a sum defense attorney Christopher Manning said amounts to more than $100,000.
So take that, asshole! We hope your tears stain your pants.
And to the Chungs– we just popped open a bottle of Veuve and you’re welcome to come on over. Congratulasians!!!!!!
Read the original DISGRASIAN post here.