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BIRTHDAY CELEBRASIAN! Maury Povich

January 20th, 2011 | 1 comment | Posted by Diana




I discovered this week that the Maury show is still on television, with grinning host Maury Povich busting cheaters and soothing folks with atypical fears every afternoon with just as much fervor as ever. With a quick Internetz search I also learned that Povich’s marriage to journalist Connie Chung is still going strong (see above photo, from 2010) after 27 years–675 years in Hollywood time, and that the seemingly unlikely pair only seem to be acquiring adorable laugh lines with age. Good for them!

Here’s hoping that Povich’s family (He and Chung have one son, as well as two daughters from his previous marriage) had a nice little celebration for the trash talk king’s 72nd birthday this past Monday. That’s assuming he doesn’t have a paralyzing fear of birthday cakes or anything…

[Wikipedia: Maury Povich]
[Maury show - official site]

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DISGRASIAN OF THE YEAR! 10 People And/Or Things From ’10 We Hope Will Get Dick Cancer

January 7th, 2011 | 6 comments | Posted by Jen & Diana

[Ed. note--this post was written in advance of the tragic shooting that occurred on Saturday, Jan. 8 in Arizona. Our thoughts go out to those affected by those events.]

We talked a lot in the closing months of last year how 2010 was BALLS. And you know why it was balls? Because it was a year ruled by DICKS. Dickheads, dickweeds, dickwads, dicktwits, dickfaces, cheesedicks, needledicks, pencil dicks, limp dicks, and a various assortment of Dick Tracies, seemed to poke their, ahem, heads out from all sides. It was actually hard to come up with only 10 Dicks From ’10 because the year was so chock-full of cocksmokers. But somehow, after a little dicking around, we did.

And here they are, 2010′s Most Dickstinguished:


THE PALIN FAMILY

WHY THEY’RE DICKS: Everywhere we turned in 2010, there was another story about somebody named Palin being a dick. There was Todd Palin writing angry, poorly-punctuated emails. There was Willow Palin writing gay slur-slinging, poorly-punctuated Facebook comments. There was Bristol Palin being billed as a “teen activist” and dancing her way horribly to the Dancing With the Stars finals. And then there was Mama Grizzdick herself, Sarah Palin, who showed time and again that not only was she a dick, she was a Dick of All Trades–a refudiating dick, a 1st Amendment-confused dick, an Islamophobic dick, a book-shilling dick, a reality TV dick, a Tea Party dick, and, generally, an all-around fame-trolling dick of the highest magnitude. While it’s clear the Palins are gunning to be the First Family of the United States in 2012, for now, they can pat themselves on the backs for being, hands-down, the First Family of the United States of Dickbags.

OUR SOLUTION: The family of dicks that gets Dick Cancer together stays together. Another idea: JUST. GO. AWAY.

Continue reading DISGRASIAN OF THE YEAR! 10 People And/Or Things From ’10 We Hope Will Get Dick Cancer

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DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Tony Chan, Sometimes Ya Gotta BS The BSer

November 20th, 2010 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

This man’s limo driver apparently overcharged him by 800 grand:

Too rich to notice: it took months for Tony Chan to notice the $800k missing from his pocket

…so why are we looking at his toothy mug instead of the guy at the wheel?

Well, there’s no denying that the crime allegedly committed by Chan’s driver, Peter Rahhaoui, was wrong. Stealing from anybody, no matter how wealthy, is definitely not okay. So if Rahhauoi is found guilty, it’s slammertime.

But is it possible that this driver, currently pleading not guilty to the offense, is in fact a kind of shadowy, uncelebrated hero–like a less bloodthirsty, NYC version of Dexter, and was simply doing his part as a vigilante scam artist in order to keep the world in balance?

From NY Mag:

“…back in Hong Kong, Chan’s own credibility has been called seriously into question. Chan is accused of faking the will of his mistress, late Hong Kong property magnate Nina Wang, who was reportedly worth $4.2 billion at the time of her death in 2007. She was then the richest woman in Asia. A self-proclaimed feng shui master, Chan began his relationship with Wang as a design consultant and soon became her lover — despite a two-decade age difference. He carried on his affair with her even as his own wife became pregnant and bore a son (who Chan named, wonderfully, “Wealthee”). After Wang’s death, Hong Kong authorities allege Chan forged a will naming him the sole heir to her fortune.”

Not saying Chan deserved to be swindled, or that he’s guilty of anything that hasn’t been proven. Okay, maybe if guilty of all things above, he deserved it a liiiiittle bit.

And if he’s this careless with dough and hiring, maybe Jen and I should be working for him.

[via NYMag]
[BBC News: Appeal In Hong Kong Over Nina Wang's fortune]

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BIRTHDAY CELEBRASIAN! Jesse James

April 22nd, 2010 | 1 comment | Posted by Diana

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JESSE JAMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We bet this one was a HAPPY one!


‘Cuz there’s nothing like being turning 41 to remind you of what really counts in life: knowing that your family is happy and your career in order.

We figured you probably didn’t get many, so we decided to go in together on a couple of birthday presents for ya. They are:

Continue reading BIRTHDAY CELEBRASIAN! Jesse James

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Tiger And Earl’s Post-Mortem Commercial: Creepy-Ass Or Creative Genius?

April 8th, 2010 | 10 comments | Posted by Diana

Nike has just released a new spot marking Tiger’s return to professional golf:




In dramatic black and white, a pensive–perhaps repentant–Tiger Woods stares beyond the camera (thinking about either his fall from grace or a turkey club sandwich), hearing the words of his late Hardass Dad:

“Tiger…
I am more prone to be inquisitive to promote discussion.
I want to find out what your thinking was.
I wanna find out what your feelings are…
and… did you learn anything?



Frankly, I think Tiger has learned something very important: good marketing, sorry faces, and a stellar golf game can EASILY clean up the Katrina of sex scandals in about… six months!

But maybe I’m wrong. Please discuss (comment) below.

[via HuffPo]
[Associated Content: New Tiger Woods Nike Commercial, "Earl And Tiger," Released]

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Even Tammy Wynette Wouldn’t Stand By This Bullsh*t (Tiger Woods Returns To Golf)

March 31st, 2010 | 10 comments | Posted by Jen

Tiger Woods returns to golf next week at the Masters golf tournament in Augusta, GA, which is all a lot of people–myself included–have wanted since news of his multiple extramarital affairs surfaced. Golf may be boring, but nothing’s more boring than seeing Tiger’s “Hey Sexy, What Are You Wearing?” text messages dominate the headlines and knowing the dull minutiae of his life. I mean, porn mistresses and turkey club sandwiches? Could you be more pedestrian?!

["Kittens and Tiger Woods' Sexts" via BuzzFeed]

There’s only one problem with Tiger’s return, and that’s how the media’s predicting things will go. Not with his golf swing, mind you, but with his soon-to-be-ex wife, Elin.

Continue reading Even Tammy Wynette Wouldn’t Stand By This Bullsh*t (Tiger Woods Returns To Golf)

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Sandra Bullock’s Famous Last Words

March 26th, 2010 | 6 comments | Posted by Jen

The NY Post reports that two months before her own husband was exposed as a cheater, Sandra Bullock had this to say about the whole Tiger Woods situation:

“If I were [Tiger's wife] Elin [Nordegren], man, I would have hit a lot more than she did,” Bullock said. “I would have kept hitting.”

A reporter with syndicated TV show “The Insider” egged on the actress with a leading question — “You would have been still swinging the golf club?”

“Yeah, she [Elin] stopped, she was respectable,” Bullock repied. “I’d get the baseball bat, I’d get everything out.”

Does this mean Sandy’s going to beat the shit out of her no-good, MySpace-ing, Vanilla Gorilla couchfucker? We wouldn’t pay money to see the The Blind Side–or almost any Sandra Bullock movie, really–but we’d sure as hell pay to see that.

[NY Post: Sandra Bullock would have used bat on Tiger]

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Manny, This Sucks.

May 8th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana


Dear Manny,

I want to believe that you started taking the women’s fertility drug H.C.G. because you had some harebrained idea that you could make a buck or two being the first pregnant man that is also a professional baseball player. Maybe you thought you could hit a few homers with Manny Jr. in your tum-tum. That’s actually very sweet.

But I don’t believe that. I believe that you’ve been trying to cover up your juicing. You are a cheater. You may be a good guy on the inside, but you’re a cheater all over.

It makes the Dodgers sad. It’s got my bestie Colin, the world’s biggest Doyers fan, practically in tears. The residents of Mannywood are left destitute. The Sports Guy and his kid may never recover. I don’t even want to know what Jen is thinking about how these actions reflect on her BoSox–and the two World Series you shared with them–right now.

Cheating hurts people, dude. If you aren’t already, you should be severely ashamed of yourself.

Cuz everyone else is ashamed of you.

Said sadly,
Diana

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So sorry, Colin…

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Jon & Kate–Still Doing Gr8?

April 30th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

It’s getting increasingly difficult to defend Jon Gosselin: the pudgy, frustratingly meek father from Jon & Kate Plus 8. Our position hasn’t changed dramatically–we’re not suddenly saying he’s a bad guy.


But he himself has stated that he exercises bad–well, “poor”–judgment sometimes.

Y’know, the kind of poor judgment that causes a man to ignore the fact that he’s a relatively famous reality TV dad, and get piss-drunk at a bar while surrounded by phone cameras and college co-eds? Or, most recently, inspires that very same man to voyage out (while his wife is in another state promoting her book) to a different bar–this time with a female friend he refers to loudly to as “babe,” bail from the watering hole at last call, panic at the sight of photographers and their mean ol’ lenses as they snap away, and have the “babe” speed off in his SUV, him riding shotgun, without so much as turning the headlights on?

Poor judgment, indeed. We’ve gotta say, we don’t know for sure what shenanigans Mr. Gosselin is up to in his free time away from Capt. Wifey. But we do know that this guy makes a lot of mistakes.

And Asians hate few things more than a bunch of fuckin’ stupid mistakes.

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Domo Arigato, Mr. Guitar Hero Boto

July 16th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Y’all know how good Jen and I are at Guitar Hero. Let’s face it–we totally rage!! We’re so good I sometimes can’t believe us!! And this makes me happy.

What I think is just SAD is that a group of SAD little kids (high school/college students), who are CLEARLY threatened by how freakin’ Guitar Heroic we are (who wouldn’t be?), felt so SAD and pathetic and inept and compelled to beat us* that they BUILT a SAD little robot to PLAY GUITAR HERO WELL FOR THEM.

That’s right. A robot that uses note-sensory to beat the songs (in career mode, on Expert level) with skyrocketing scores. Just SAD.

From their site, mechanizedrock.com:

Our note-sensing technique is what makes DeepNote unique. Using photodiodes aimed at the 5 notes on the screen, we are able to pick up on the changes in light that are exhibited when a note passes through the sensors. A photodiode works just like a photovoltaic cell (solar panel), by turning absorbed light waves into voltage. Thus, a voltage spike is experienced when light increases. The photodiodes have an 8 nanosecond response time and a small viewing angle, making them ideal for accurate and speedy analysis of notes. Because the voltage generated by this light change is very small (on the scale of a few millivolts), circuitry is used to amplify the signal up to about 3 volts, remove as much noise as possible, and adjust the hysteresis. The result of all of this is a digital square wave where 3 volts indicates a note, and 0 volts indicates no note. The sensors are held in place by a sliding rack that allows them to be adjusted for different size televisions.

Wha? Darf?

Y’know, the Hardass Asian Lady in me is thoroughly disgusted by this shortcut. This is pussy-ass cheating. This is what I was taught: If you aren’t good at something, KILL YOURSELF. Oops, I mean, get better. Get better until you are THE BEST! Settle for nothing else! Don’t construct a fucking robot to be the best for you!

That said, The Hardass Asian Lady in me is also thinking, “Shit, guys, you used scientific prowess and dedicasian to make a ROBOT that can slay Guitar Hero on Expert? How badass!”

“How… ASIAN.”

*we actually don’t know these kids, and don’t know if they only built their robot to beat US specifically. But we assume that they did.

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Duke University, Harvard of the South and, Apparently, of Fuqups

May 24th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

34 graduate students at Duke University’s Fuqua Business School were caught cheating a month ago. 15 of the 34 cheaters were suspended for a year, and 9 were expelled. All 9 expelled students were Asian. Robert Ekstrand, attorney for the Notorious Nine, made this statement to the press:

Many of the students involved in the case at the Fuqua School of Business confessed instead of fighting the charges because of different cultural norms in their countries, Durham attorney Robert Ekstrand said…

In their home cultures, he said, “a confession or an admission of guilt can be a way to apologize.” He said they sometimes wrote confession letters without understanding the specific accusations.

Wait. So you mean to tell me that something is fuqua-ed up at Duke, the self-anointed “Harvard of the South” and alma mater to Dick Nixon? Shocker. I’m sure the Duke lacrosse team is partying with strippers tonight.

Actually, the real shocker is that the Notorious Nine are Asian. Since when do WE need to cheat? We’re smarter than everybody else, REMEMBER? And cheating your way through business school? Isn’t there a reason why people call it “B” School? Didn’t Ivanka Trump attend “B” School?

Coach K, I realize that this doesn’t fall under your purview, but can you DO SOMETHING?

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