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Manny, This Sucks.
Dear Manny,
I want to believe that you started taking the women’s fertility drug H.C.G. because you had some harebrained idea that you could make a buck or two being the first pregnant man that is also a professional baseball player. Maybe you thought you could hit a few homers with Manny Jr. in your tum-tum. That’s actually very sweet.
But I don’t believe that. I believe that you’ve been trying to cover up your juicing. You are a cheater. You may be a good guy on the inside, but you’re a cheater all over.
It makes the Dodgers sad. It’s got my bestie Colin, the world’s biggest Doyers fan, practically in tears. The residents of Mannywood are left destitute. The Sports Guy and his kid may never recover. I don’t even want to know what Jen is thinking about how these actions reflect on her BoSox–and the two World Series you shared with them–right now.
Cheating hurts people, dude. If you aren’t already, you should be severely ashamed of yourself.
Cuz everyone else is ashamed of you.
Said sadly,
Diana
Source
So sorry, Colin…
Filed under: Asterisks, Beyond Shame, Boston Red Sox, Cheaters, Disappointing Everyone, Disappointment, Fertility Drugs, HCG, Hormones, Manny Ramirez, Pregnant Man, Sadness, Suspension, The Los Angeles Dodgers
Jon & Kate–Still Doing Gr8?
It’s getting increasingly difficult to defend Jon Gosselin: the pudgy, frustratingly meek father from Jon & Kate Plus 8. Our position hasn’t changed dramatically–we’re not suddenly saying he’s a bad guy.
But he himself has stated that he exercises bad–well, “poor”–judgment sometimes.
Y’know, the kind of poor judgment that causes a man to ignore the fact that he’s a relatively famous reality TV dad, and get piss-drunk at a bar while surrounded by phone cameras and college co-eds? Or, most recently, inspires that very same man to voyage out (while his wife is in another state promoting her book) to a different bar–this time with a female friend he refers to loudly to as “babe,” bail from the watering hole at last call, panic at the sight of photographers and their mean ol’ lenses as they snap away, and have the “babe” speed off in his SUV, him riding shotgun, without so much as turning the headlights on?
Poor judgment, indeed. We’ve gotta say, we don’t know for sure what shenanigans Mr. Gosselin is up to in his free time away from Capt. Wifey. But we do know that this guy makes a lot of mistakes.
And Asians hate few things more than a bunch of fuckin’ stupid mistakes.
Filed under: Babes, Bars, Cheaters, Even Asians Make Mistakes, Fucking Up, Jon and Kate Plus 8, Jon Gosselin, Perfection, Puffy Face, Scandal, We Reject Repeat Offenders
Domo Arigato, Mr. Guitar Hero Boto
Y’all know how good Jen and I are at Guitar Hero. Let’s face it–we totally rage!! We’re so good I sometimes can’t believe us!! And this makes me happy.
What I think is just SAD is that a group of SAD little kids (high school/college students), who are CLEARLY threatened by how freakin’ Guitar Heroic we are (who wouldn’t be?), felt so SAD and pathetic and inept and compelled to beat us* that they BUILT a SAD little robot to PLAY GUITAR HERO WELL FOR THEM.
That’s right. A robot that uses note-sensory to beat the songs (in career mode, on Expert level) with skyrocketing scores. Just SAD.
From their site, mechanizedrock.com:
Our note-sensing technique is what makes DeepNote unique. Using photodiodes aimed at the 5 notes on the screen, we are able to pick up on the changes in light that are exhibited when a note passes through the sensors. A photodiode works just like a photovoltaic cell (solar panel), by turning absorbed light waves into voltage. Thus, a voltage spike is experienced when light increases. The photodiodes have an 8 nanosecond response time and a small viewing angle, making them ideal for accurate and speedy analysis of notes. Because the voltage generated by this light change is very small (on the scale of a few millivolts), circuitry is used to amplify the signal up to about 3 volts, remove as much noise as possible, and adjust the hysteresis. The result of all of this is a digital square wave where 3 volts indicates a note, and 0 volts indicates no note. The sensors are held in place by a sliding rack that allows them to be adjusted for different size televisions.
Wha? Darf?
Y’know, the Hardass Asian Lady in me is thoroughly disgusted by this shortcut. This is pussy-ass cheating. This is what I was taught: If you aren’t good at something, KILL YOURSELF. Oops, I mean, get better. Get better until you are THE BEST! Settle for nothing else! Don’t construct a fucking robot to be the best for you!
That said, The Hardass Asian Lady in me is also thinking, “Shit, guys, you used scientific prowess and dedicasian to make a ROBOT that can slay Guitar Hero on Expert? How badass!”
“How… ASIAN.”
*we actually don’t know these kids, and don’t know if they only built their robot to beat US specifically. But we assume that they did.
Filed under: Cheaters, Guitar Bots, Guitar Hero III, Guitarded, Hardass Asian Values, Nerds, Robots, Sad, Threats to Manhood, What's Next? Computers That Handle Customer Service?
Duke University, Harvard of the South and, Apparently, of Fuqups
34 graduate students at Duke University’s Fuqua Business School were caught cheating a month ago. 15 of the 34 cheaters were suspended for a year, and 9 were expelled. All 9 expelled students were Asian. Robert Ekstrand, attorney for the Notorious Nine, made this statement to the press:
Many of the students involved in the case at the Fuqua School of Business confessed instead of fighting the charges because of different cultural norms in their countries, Durham attorney Robert Ekstrand said…
In their home cultures, he said, “a confession or an admission of guilt can be a way to apologize.” He said they sometimes wrote confession letters without understanding the specific accusations.
Wait. So you mean to tell me that something is fuqua-ed up at Duke, the self-anointed “Harvard of the South” and alma mater to Dick Nixon? Shocker. I’m sure the Duke lacrosse team is partying with strippers tonight.
Actually, the real shocker is that the Notorious Nine are Asian. Since when do WE need to cheat? We’re smarter than everybody else, REMEMBER? And cheating your way through business school? Isn’t there a reason why people call it “B” School? Didn’t Ivanka Trump attend “B” School?
Coach K, I realize that this doesn’t fall under your purview, but can you DO SOMETHING?
Filed under: B List, B School, Cheaters, Dukee, Expulsions, Fuqups, Strippers
