You are currently browsing posts tagged with Cheap Hookers

SNEWS

April 23rd, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

First, the shocking news:

Bai Ling is still a working actress.

Then the not-so-shocking news:

Bai Ling was recently cast in the Crank sequel (starring Jason Statham) as…drumroll…a working girl. Her character teams up with Statham in order to “hunt down the Chinese mobster who has stolen his heart, literally.”

And now’s the time when I put myself down for a mid-afternoon nap.

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Mariah Crazian

April 14th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Dear Chubs Mariah,

You’ve had a long, illustrious career that, for the most part, we don’t really understand. How does anyone as obsessed with glitter, honey, and butterflies actually make money besides Lisa Frank? How can you make psychotic multi-part appearances on Cribs or perform as pictured above and, as a result, outsell Elvis–while Britney Spears does most of the same shit and gets called a fat, crazy, pig while being forced into lockdown by her father?

You are nuts. We’re pretty used to it. But since we hum along to your Christmas tracks every December, we tend to let it slide.

But now, this E=mc² business, naming your album after a theory you probably can’t spell, is bologna, as we’ve stated. That doesn’t make us mad, it just makes us sad. You’re trying to claim our shit–brain stuff–and you don’t gots any, yo. We can get over that.

What we can’t get over, is you titling a song on that album “I’ll Be Lovin’ U Long Time”… NOW THAT IS BULLSHIT. What’s Track #8? “Suckee Fuckee U So Luckee!”

GO DUNK YOUR HEAD IN A TOILET, YOU GINORMOUS, STUPID, DEMENTED, SKANKY, LISA FRANKY POSEUR.

xoxo
Diana

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Massagenist

April 1st, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

A New York state whorehouse was busted this week and…Eliot Spitzer had no connection whatsoever to it! Weird. The massage parlor/brothel, Acupuncture Qi-Gong Tui Na, operated from a strip mall in Medford, NY (not pictured above). 3 women, Jiu Ying Wang, 48, Yue Hua Zuo, 49, and Lin Ling Na, 39, were charged with prostitution and giving massages without a license, although no johns were arrested (which is bullllllllllllshit). Newsday reports:

The masseuses charged $60 for a standard hourlong massage, and depending on the amount of the tip, sometimes as high as $100, the masseuse would perform a sex act on the client, said Sgt. Todd Barone of the Suffolk police crime section.

Oh dear. Ladies, ladies. You work hard for the money. So hard for it, honey. You work hard for the money, so he bettah leave more money than a hundy for massage with release.

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DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Suzie Wong’s

February 1st, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

A new Disgrestaurant/club opened last night on West 27th in New York called Suzie Wong’s, named, we presume, for the infamous Hong Kong hooker with a heart of gold.

Raise the Red Puketern


Although earlier buzz on the 4,000 square foot, bottle-service club promised waitresses dressed as geishas, Suzie Wong’s has since scratched that idea. Those fretting that they might not get the full Ornamental experience here (e.g. fits of covered-mouth giggling, tiny women mincing about in feet-binding shoes, massage with release) sans geishas need not worry. According to New York magazine, Suzie Wong’s offers Geisha and Madame Butterfly cocktails, as well as a four dim sum-variety Love U Long Time platter! Now that’s what we call some pan-Asian conflasian!

And guess who’s throwing a party there tonight?

The Guilty Party


We wish we could say we’re surprised, but…sigh…we’re just not.

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DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! GH III’s Midori

November 2nd, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

We gotta admit. Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock, released last weekend, is pretty good. We love playing songs by bands we hate, like “My Name is Jonas” (Weezer) and “Cherub Rock” (Smashing Pumpkins), and, yes, Metallica’s “One” is kicking our asses on Expert. We’re also into the fact that we can “buy” Tom Morello and Slash on GH III instead of Xavier Stone, the black character, as we had to in previous versions of the game.

And, we finally got what we had wished for all these months we’ve been playing: an Asian Guitar Hero. Her name is Midori and her bio states that she is “both sweet and sour” and a child prodigy classically trained on violin. Grrrrrrrrrrreat! As you all know, we love prodigies. And we are sweet and sour. So we were totally stoked. Until we got a gander at our Japanese guitar heroine.

No, Midori isn’t suffering from a sinus infection. She’s suffering from a case of the GIGGLES and has to cover her mouth out of modesty, teehee!

Bless you! I mean, Gesundheit! I mean…WTF?

The best thing Midori, our anime-schoolgirl-hooker-heroine, has going for her is her wardrobe. Here she is in her “Mount Fuji-inspired” outfit:

Mmm. Yes. How very inspired, indeed.

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Bad Pussy. Cat.

August 17th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana
“Love you long time!!!”

Hmm. There must be a poetic way to say this.

Nicole Scherzinger, you are indeed a looker.
Nicole Scherzinger, you remind me of a hooker.
Darling Nikki is a Nikki, and quite a masturbater.
You are also a Nikki, with the talent of a tater.
I watched you this week on So You Think You can Dance,
So you’re inclined to squat when you’re not wearing pants?!
So shocked were my eyes when I watched for your grooves
Only to find you’ve got no special moves.
Listening closer, I heard more of the song.
I heard a weak line, and thought, “Girl, tha’s jus’ WRONG!”
Do you or don’t you say “love you long time?”
Way to ka-ching chong your way out of a rhyme!
Now, interest piqued, I sought out the song’s vid,
Only to see what you tastelessly did.
Yoga asana as “come hither” poses,
Why do the Eagle pose? Nobody knows this.
What it all boils down to is you’re a disgrace,
Your stink and your stank skank up all of this place.
And it’s quite a shame, ’cause you’ve got a rock body,
But you’re most of all useless and hooker-ish naughty.
Bye for now Nikki, and your slot like a dime,
Think twice next time before “loving long time.”

Watch SYTYCD.
Watch the “Whatever You Like” video.
Then puke.

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Thanks, jRu!

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"O." Face.

June 14th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

TILA TEQUILA: Awww dayyum.

VOICE INSIDE TILA’S HEAD: Girl, you’ve made it!

TILA TEQUILA: I know, riiiiight?

VOICE INSIDE TILA’S HEAD: Seriously, woman. You’re on the COVER of PENTHOUSE. It’s one of those things that every little girl dreams of… marrying a wealthy stock broker, having a beautiful house with a garden, and being on the cover of Penthouse.

TILA TEQUILA: You think you can see enough tit?

VOICE INSIDE TILA’S HEAD: Plenty of patriotic tit.

TILA TEQUILA: This is so great. You know, I am like, so owed mad propz for like fully empowering Azn bitches and little bitches, riiiiiight?

VOICE INSIDE TILA’S HEAD: You’re a pioneer, woman! You give the next generation the hope and inspiration they need to forge into uncharted territory…

TILA TEQUILA: … like fame and fortune…

VOICE INSIDE TILA’S HEAD: …like, you know, notoriety… infamy.

TILA TEQUILA: I’m a famous Azn bitch, yo! Fuckin’ yeah!

VOICE INSIDE TILA’S HEAD: Yep, that’s great. Totally. That’s really great.

TILA TEQUILA: People think this Azn bitch is hot, yo!

VOICE INSIDE TILA’S HEAD: Yeah, your new boobs are totally hot.

TILA TEQUILA: I should be given some kind of award or something!

VOICE INSIDE TILA’S HEAD: Like… a golden g-string?

TILA TEQUILA: Wow. I really respect myself. I really fuckin’ respect myself.

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Disgrasianians 4:13

April 12th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

While trolling nba.com tonight for photos of the L.A. Clippers’ spectacular 4th quarter comeback against the L.A. Fakers (more on that later), I stumbled upon a little gem.

Her name is Alawan. She’s a dancer for the Miami Heat. She’s a fellow Asian-Texan. She’s also drunk the Krazy Khristian Kool-Aid:



As a survivor of Jesus Camp, five years running, I am somewhat compelled to point out Aly’s Mis”Quote to Live By” from Paul’s Epistle to the Philippians.

First of all, Aly…it’s Philippians. One L, two P’s. Got that? Okay, good.

And, no, Philippians is not an island country in Southeast Asia.

Also, I believe the correct quotation of Philippians 4:13 is:

“I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH HOOKER BOOTS WHICH STRENGTHEN ME.”

Bible Study adjourned!

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The Definition of Low-Budge

April 11th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Scenes taken from a motorcycle show held recently in Chongqing, China:

“Wanna ride my ATV? You know you want to. Woo-woo! I need a sandwich.”
“I’m the Pretty One. Lick my hooker boots.”
“I AM A ROBOT. I AM A MEMBER OF THE PEOPLE’S LIBERATION ARTIFICAL INTELLIGENCE ARMY. WE WILL INVADE TAIWAN IN SIX MONTHS. TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER.”

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Chinese Version of American Idol Apparently Has a Weird Thing Called Standards

April 6th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

“Strict rules set to rein in reality TV show”
“China’s broadcasting watchdog has issued a list of rules to uphold high moral standards on a sequel of the popular TV talent contest “Super Girls Voice”, a Chinese version of American Idol.”

No weirdness, no vulgarity, no low taste,” was how the sinister sounding State Administration of Radio, Film and Television (SARFT) put it. So I guess these three wouldn’t make the cut over there?

Weirdness

Vulgarity

And Paula Abdul, aka Low Taste

I’m with SARFT all the way!

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My American Idol Monet

April 4th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Here are my impressions of last night’s American Idol:

Dreamgirls

Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dum

Three Hookers Walk Into a Bar

Divine Intervention

Source: Fox
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The Fast and the Disgrasianous

March 18th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

I was in the desert this weekend, catching the end of the Pacific Life Open, where I made some FASCINATING discoveries.

For one, the Chicken Fried Steak at Elmer’s in Cathedral City is KILLER. Who knew?

Also, in nearby La Quinta, the Ralph’s parking lot transformed into a scene right out of The Fast and the Furious around midnight Friday. Picture 40 guys in baggy shorts gathered around their souped-up ‘Stangs and Rice Rockets. Or better yet, imagine 40 versions of Paul “My Boyfriend” Walker looking hot.

As it turns out, Ralph’s had racks and racks of pornos magazines related to street racing. My new personal favorite is TUNERZINE.

Not only did Tunerzine update me on the latest and greatest DISGRASIANMOBILES racing cars, it also exposed me to several CHEAP HOOKERS Asian models I had never heard of. All I can say is, move over Kate Moss:

And make room for “Ms. Carla” (If You’re Nasty),

and Filipina dynamo, Abby M, whose “turn-ons” include “real, compassionate, and humble people,”

and, last but not least, Carolyn “Let’s Get” Savage.

“Turn-ons” for Ms. Savage, who is of Chinese descent, include “mbition” and “sweet.” Interestingly, this cheap hooker’s girl’s Number One “turn-off” is “COCKINESS,” which, um, I’m pretty sure is the only kind of cock Ms. Savage has ever turned her surgically-modified nose up at.

Photos kindly provided by Tunerzine.com

Source: Into the Blue

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