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SPORTS ILLUSTRASIAN: Sun Yue, Luckiest Mofo Evar

June 15th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Congrats to the Lakers on winning their 15th championship Sunday night!!! Most especially to shooting guard Sun Yue, aka the Luckiest Mofo Evar, who’s the 5th Chinese baller to play in the NBA and only the 2nd Asian player to win a championship.

L.A. Lakers Kobe Bryant, Pau Gasol, and the Luckiest Mofo Evar

DUDE. You’re AWESOME. You sign with the Lakers in August, get mono, delay your start until December, play in only 10 games before getting sent down to the Developmental League (“D-League” for short, like “D-List” or “D-Student”), return to the Lakers just in time for the playoffs, where you play 0 games…and still manage to get a ring. DUDE. I mean, DUDE. That takes mad skillz!!! Your ability to never come off the bench makes you a prime candidate down the road for 6th Man of the Year (or Invisible Man, I’m not sure which). Your fist-bump stroke is absolutely gen-i-us. And the way you park it on the sidelines the way big men park it in the paint? Quite frankly, the stuff of legends.

Speaking of legends, Charles Barkley, Karl Malone, and Patrick Ewing all committed harakiri late Sunday night when they discovered that Sun Yue has a ring now and they still don’t, and that, no, this was not just some horribly cruel joke.

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SPORTS ILLUSTRASIAN: Hardass Asian Coaches

June 18th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen
“The Big Four”: The Boston Celtics’ Ray Allen, Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce, and Strength and Conditioning Coach Bryan Doo


RAY ALLEN: Man oh man. We finally get rings. Nothing tops this. Nothing.

KEVIN GARNETT: Didja hear you tied the NBA record for most 3′s in a Finals game tonight? Way to leave it all on the floor, muthafucka.

RAY ALLEN: Really? How about that.

BRYAN DOO: Great work, Ray. You did good. You’re going down in the record books. You’ll have to share that record, but…they’re putting your name down. Right next to the names of Kenny “The Jet” Smith and Scottie Pippen.

RAY ALLEN: So I’m in great company.

BRYAN DOO: You’re right in there with the best. “Tied” with ‘em, which means “just as good,” I guess. (beat) It would’ve been sweet to get that eighth 3 though, wouldn’t it? Ah, man, that would’ve been sweet.

KEVIN GARNETT: Let Ray have his moment, dude.

BRYAN DOO: You’re right. Let’s talk about you, KG. Let’s talk about you and your moment. How does it feel?

KEVIN GARNETT: I don’t have the words. It’s a dream come true.

BRYAN DOO: It was almost perfect, wasn’t it?

KEVIN GARNETT: Almost? Man, it was perfect.

BRYAN DOO: When you pictured this moment as a kid, did you picture doing it in a Celtic uniform? Did you think you’d be crushing a legendary franchise like the Los Angeles Lakers? Did you imagine getting up on that makeshift stage, with confetti falling all around you, accepting the Larry O’Brien trophy in one hand and the Finals MVP in the–

KEVIN GARNETT: We all know that the MVP trophy is going to Paul. And he deserves it. I’m happy for him.

BRYAN DOO: You’re happy for him? That’s cool. Really generous of you.

KEVIN GARNETT: I’ll pick up that MVP trophy next time.

BRYAN DOO: You sure will.

KEVIN GARNETT: Yep.

BRYAN DOO: I mean, if there’s a next time. You never know when you’re going to get back on the big stage. But I’m sure you’re right. Next time, for sure.

PAUL PIERCE: Bryan, what’s eatin’ you?

BRYAN DOO: Who me? Nothing! Why would you say that? I’m happy. I’m thrilled. Look, you’re crushing the Lakers by 39 points. What do I have to be unhappy about? I’m ecstatic! I’m over the moon!

PAUL PIERCE: Alright. Then chill. We’re all getting rings here, including you.

BRYAN DOO: And I’m going to wear mine with pride. I’ll wear it and I’ll always think back to this moment, when we were crushing the Lakers by 39 points, wrapped up together in this awesome man-hug.

KEVIN GARNETT: That’s what I’m talkin’ about.

BRYAN DOO: 39 points! That’s a record.

RAY ALLEN: It’s the biggest blow-out in Finals history, I guess.

BRYAN DOO: Er, not quite. It’s a record for the largest point-margin in a decisive Finals game, which is different from the largest point-margin in a Finals game, which was 42 points, set by the Chicago Bulls in 1998 when they blew out the Utah Jazz–

KEVIN GARNETT: Sweet Jesus, Bryan! Will you just spit it out for god’s sake? Say what you want to say and stop beating around the bush. My ears are bleeding, man! I just won an NBA championship! I’m going to Disney World! My mug’s going on a Wheaties box tomorrow! What kinda problem could you possibly have with that?

BRYAN DOO: No problem, KG! None! I just think, you know, we could all do better sometimes, that’s all. (beat) Hey, who’s up for a three-peat, “Big Three”?

KEVIN GARNETT: I’m depressed.

RAY ALLEN: I feel like a failure.

PAUL PIERCE: Life is meaningless.

Source: ABC

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Disqualificasian

June 9th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana


Olympic Gold medalist, reigning world record holder in the 110-meter hurdles, and resident Chinese hottie, Liu Xiang, showed up at yesterday’s Prefontaine Classic ready to win–despite a kinda-sorta-maybe troubled hamstring. He didn’t get a chance to test the sturdiness of his bad leg, however, because he was disqualified after two false starts.

Wha?? A world champion getting DQ’d is just a buzzkill. And for Liu, the shock of the shame seemed to rattle him as he walked off the track with his backpack on, probably imagining how his father would chastise him on the phone later that evening (“Why did you put on the clothes and the shoes and get on your mark if you were not even going to race? Why do you dishonor your parents in front of entire world?”), but he still held his smile. Still, I’ve posted the photo above, a proud moment from the 2004 Olympics, just in case he’s reading this, to remind him of better daysians. They will come again!

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Everybody Fugs a Winner

April 8th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Our pals Jess and Heather over at Go Fug Yourself took on an almost insurmountable task last week: determining the 2008 Champion of Fug, also known as the first-ever champion of “Fug Madness.”

Who took home the big honor, you ask? None other than our very own DISGRASIAN Hall-of-Shamer, Bai Ling.

With competition like Victoria Beckham, both Peldon sisters, Britney Spears, and Chloe Sevigny challenging her for the title, Ling certainly had her work cut out for her. Let’s see how she sealed the deal over the last few months:

May 2007.
Bai says “What-eva” to seasonal dressing at Cannes and pairs a hot white bikini with heavy footwear and long outerwear in winter colors. Oh, what a dichotomy! And oh, how gauche!

September 2007.
Bai begins the PR campaign for her new book, Nipples, by wearing customized Band-Aids on her banged-up shins. DISGRASIAN loves the idea so much, we want to kick her in the Band-Aids.


October 2007.

Bai revisits all of the worst “alternative” trends ever to emerge from the youth generation in the last twenty years: mini tees, ironic tees, self-congratulatory tees, bare midriffs, fucked-up belly buttons, distressed denim, short-shorts, ugly belts, tights with shorts, pumps with tights with shorts, pink hair, two-toned hair, colored wigs.

…The result is only slightly worse, however, than the other great offense of that month, Rumer Willis’s “Papa Don’t Preach” appearance at a Declare Yourself event.

January 2008.
Bai rocks a black lace body stocking with a black lace bra and black lace leggings, proving, once and for all, that you can in fact be “too lace for love.”

February 2008.
Bai’s bringin’ Band-Aids back, but this time, to wish the world a Happy Chinese New Year, in English and her native language. DISGRASIAN is up in arms–Jen can’t believe she shares a homeland with this alien, and Diana is shocked at how many veins she can count in homegirl’s feet. BLEGGHHHH. No one can be forgiven for such traumatizasian.

…Which just about brings us to March, wherein Bai focused all of her Fug energy into getting the fug-fug-fuggingest championship award. And when you watch the play-by-play, it’s really no wonder that Bai took home Go Fug Yourself’s coveted grand prize. She had it in the bag the whole time.

Hey, everybody’s gotta win something.

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Thanks, Jasmine!

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AMAZIAN OF THE WEEK! Mao Asada

March 24th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana


Name: Mao Asada

Occupation: Professional figure skater, hailing from Japan

Known for: her current reign as the Japanese Champion, World Champion, and Four Continents champion in ladies singles figure skating. These honors seem well deserved in light of Asada’s gold-medal victory at the 2008 World Championship in Gothenburg last Wednesday–she had wind beneath her wings, dude.

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AMAZIANS OF THE WEEK! China’s Table Tennis Teams

March 3rd, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana


Who: The Men’s and Women’s Table Tennis teams of China

Occupation: World-competitive Table Tennis Teams

Known for: seizing the World Championship titles this weekend in both male and female contests, showing the world that “China duz it better”–especially with paddles.

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