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You have no idea how hard it is to find a photo of you where you aren’t hawking yourself on some pointless red carpet. Or wearing a far-too-aggressive push-up bra. Or jutting your ass out in some schoolgirl outfit/bikini/lingerie number for one of those glossy bathroom semi-jerk-off magazine spreads. Or hosing around with some useless celebutard who seems far too young to be hanging out with you, cuz you look like you’re freakin’ forty-five and apparently you just turned twenty-eight this week. Blegh! Jesus! Don’t you think there might be better ways to present yourself? More to do with yourself? What do you do? Who the hell are you? You’re rounding up towards thirty, for crying out loud! Two years away, but getting there.
Oh, which reminds us. Happy birthday. You’re twenty-eight. You look, uh, great.
There’s just something about hearing a
celebutard drive-bi actress mutter about how great it is to have elected “our first colored president”…
…that makes me think we shouldn’t ask celebrities to talk about politics.
My oldest sister is a freak. She was born with a totally rad, gigantor rack–like, real puppies, real “girls,” or whatever people with real boobs call their boobs–that I never understood. The three remaining sisters in the family, however… we practically headed up the west coast chapter of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee. We were small-chested Asians, and we owned it. Owned it, dammit.
But every once in awhile (like the day I spent on set with Rosario Dawson’s perfect, natural, giant chest all day, and thought: I should probably buy me summa those) I wonder if I’d have a far more enjoyable, gilded life as a big-boobie’d lady. What if? What if?
And other days, like today, I look at all of the big, fat, scary, glandy fat bags suffocating some of Hollywood’s finest…
Filed under: Bizarre Trends, Celebutards, Christina Aguilera, Circus Tits, Elizabeth Hurley, Glandy Fat Bags, Hollywood Epidemics, Itty Bitty Titty Committee, Jodie Marsh, Rosario Dawson, Sibling Rivalry
Part of the reason I haven’t been able to bring myself to watch MTV’s latest idiotic reality show, Paris Hilton’s My New BFF–in which wannabe starfuckers vy for the slot as Paris’s main hanger-on–is that I can’t bear the thought of anybody, however tarderriffic they may be anyway, groveling at the feet of Paris Hilton.
Worse, I hate the thought of an Asian (especially a gaysian!) on his knees in front of that walking syphilis host!
Listen, I’ll admit it. Every time I look at Angelina with her brood of cutest children ever, my uterus starts to quake a little. And I’m not really into kids, quite frankly–they seem way too easy to break, and they always need to be fed Cheerios or mac ‘n cheez, and they always ask questions like “Why? But why? But why? But why?”–and once they’re three, they’re only a decade away from being a teenager with a cell phone/belly ring/penchant for HATING YOU. Blegh.
But look at those little elbow patches on Pax! How can they be ignored? Just one glance at his soft little nose and Zahara’s cute lips and Maddox’s furrowed brow makes me want to start collecting children like Limoges boxes. I think it happens to us all, and I simply can’t fault us for it.
But sometimes these things take a downhill spiral. Take Lindsay Lohan, for instance, who recently told Marie Claire, “At some point … I want to adopt a kid … A child in need or a newborn from another country. I’m not sure yet.”
Um, BAD IDEA. HUGELY BAD IDEA. At the very least, I must warn all the little baby orphans in y’know, like, other countries–at least Vietnam–to cover their heads and RUN. By all assumptions, Lohan could be casting a very wide net.
Say what you will about the Borat mankini–the hideous neon yellow reminds you of that crazy hipster, Blaine, from this season of Project Runway, the V-shape sends you into Nixon flashbacks, the exposed pelvic bones and pubes make you wanna ralph. Sure! Personally, I think it’s pretty rad. But, oddly enough, the outfit really, really offends some folks.
Apparently, it really bugs ma peeps back home in Vietnam! Word on the world news front is that two college kids in Hanoi have been suspended from school for a year and publicly chided for a comedy performance done in the mankinis–which was documented and posted on YouTube (it’s no longer available and only screen grabs survived). Sure, they jacked up the stakes by ripping out fake pubic hairs and rolling around like a bunch of hyenas on acid, but much of the media focus has been on their choice of dress.
Lemme tell you–I’m looking at the photos, and frankly I’m not offended. After all, I find it hard to imagine anything worse than:
…this douchenozzle in the mankini.
Says the monkey: “Isn’t the peace sign something that anorexic-looking actresses flash for the paparazzi cameras just before they realize they no longer have careers? Jesus H., it’s like I’m trapped in some kind of fucking celebutard peace sign epidemic or something! Here a peace sign, there a peace sign, everywhere a peace sign. Peace, peace, peace everywhere I turn–so why does it feel like my insides are at WAR? I wager it’s because skeletor chick next to me has awful ashtray breath and refuses to wear blush and it makes my sex organs want to both shrivel up and implode at the same time. UGH. God, I wish I was alive so I could hitchike the hell outta here. Hideki Matsui, save meeeeeeeeeee!”
Filed under: Baseball, Celebutards, Epidemics, Fug Faces, Girl--Please Brush Your Hair and Apply Makeup, Hideki Matsui, It's All Downhill From Here, Kirsten Dunst, Please Stop Flashing Peace Signs Peeps
Are venereal diseases like integers?
I only ask cuz like, rumor has it that Tila Tequila and Brody Jenner recently sucked face. I just figure that if one celebutard shoves their tongue inside another celebutard, their respective
cooties germs STDs then cancel each other out (like, a negative times a negative equaling a positive), and everybody can just call it a night and go home.
Since they’ve already conducted the experiment, maybe I should ask them! I’m soooo curious!
Filed under: Burning Privates, Burning Questions, Burning Sores, Celebutards, Eww, Integers, Math Is Cool, Morbid Curiosity, This Is Enough Jenner News For A Lifetime Huh?, Tila Tequila, Venereal Diseases
The McCain camp released an official smear ad yesterday simply entitled, “Celeb,” which juxtaposes Senator Obama with clips of Britney Spears (circa 1999) and Paris Hilton, supposedly highlighting Obama’s lack of substance despite his undeniable star power.
Frankly, we find the ad to be pretty embarrassing. It’s simply not good–the video quality is terrible, the editing shoddy, the voice-over nearly comical, the celebutard footage ineffective. And hey, we’re proud of the GOP for trying to get jiggy with thems newfangled concepts of viral interwebs marketing and all, but uh, they’re probably gonna have to do better than that.
Still, the piece has gotten a lot of attention, and in the process drawn quite a bit of controversy. One take in particular caught our eye via Political Punch–liberal blogger Josh Marshall from Talking Points Memo condemned McCain’s attacks yesterday but focused on one specific extrapolation we hadn’t even thought of:
“…the McCain campaign is now pushing the caricature of Obama as a uppity young black man whose presumptuousness is displayed not only in taking on airs above his station but also in a taste for young white women.”
Um… I’m not proud of McCain’s decision to resort to attack ads, but I have to say that in watching “Celeb” about 25 times over, I witnessed Obama being criticized for being all bark and no bite, being lauded for non-achievements, being celebrated for simply being a celebrity. But the thought never once struck me that Obama was being defamed with the insinuation that he likes to dabble in “young white women.”
What made us even go there? Obama, by all accounts, is a happily married man with a beautiful wife. And the footage in “Celeb” simply references the two most useless (yet most famous) stars of this decade. So I wonder how the point of lust was even dragged into the dialogue. Does a picture of a white woman and a black man instantly connote sexuality? Do we assume that even if black man isn’t leering over taut blondes, he must be denying the fact that he wants to? Do we always refer to people this way, by color?
My god, is this really 2008? I feel like I’m in a fucking time warp.
I also feel like I just spoke to someone at a dinner party that said, “I just love Black people. They’re such wonderful musicians and athletes.”
I actually thought this picture of my 58-year old Aunt Tracy–who is currently enjoying her second marriage/big house/new penchant for “trendy haircuts”–was pretty good, until I realized that it wasn’t her.
PerezHilton.com just reported that Heidi Montag, who will turn 22 this year, joined her douchebag boyfriend Spencer Pratt at the DMV… and finally registered to vote! Wow! We’re so impressed we could justzzZZZzZzZzzzz…
zzzZzzZZzzurpOH! Um. Good… job? Sure, you should have done this four years ago, but who’s counting?
The UK’s Sun rag recently got very excited about some comments that Sir Ben Kingsley made recently regarding the
diseased, prefab, celebutarded, no-talent fucks less gifted actors that seem to be making a killing in today’s Hollywood scene.
Below, a breakdown of some of his thoughts (the entirety of which we find ourselves in mixed response):
“Some young people are told they’re actors and they’re not.
DISGRASIAN thoughts: Why, we couldn’t agree more. We’ve been saying this about all of those diseased, prefab, celebutarded, no-talent fucks for years!
“It’s unfair to exploit a young person who may look good on a magazine cover and tell them they can be in movies.
DISGRASIAN thoughts: Unfair shmunfair. You wanna talk about exploitation? Go call up Gwen Stefani.
“You’re lifting their expectations so high and then pulling the rug from under their feet when the audience gives them a thumbs-down.
DISGRASIAN thoughts: Like our mothers would say, “It’s not our fault when you fail.”
“We throw people away too easily but should never invite them in the first place.”
DISGRASIAN thoughts: Hear hear! Shred the shit out of those invitations. The party’s all here.
“I have my own drug – it’s called acting. I get completely stoned on it.”
DISGRASIAN thoughts: We’re not with you on this one. Try AK47 medicinal marijuana. That’ll show you stoned, Sir Wacktor.