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But here’s what sucks. The person that suffered the brunt of the Q-tip attack was none other than Efron’s lady, Vanessa Hudgens…
Except: we ladies can help you fellas buy jeans that don’t look like they were obtained at a 1992 Gap. We can help you pick out shirts for work. We can give you cologne for Christmas, introduce you to Kiehl’s men’s products, request that you shower regularly, and quickly size you up before you walk out the door.
But we can’t be responsible for your waxy-ass ears. Boys, that was yo’ mama’s job. And if you’re old enough to screw/drink/smoke, now it’s yours.
Is this what “I’m ashamed about my involvement in a highly publicized domestic violence dispute that allegedly left my girlfriend with a split lip and giant welts all over her face–and can’t believe all of this went down before I’d even been alive for two decades” looks like?
Get out. Get out now. Get out while you’re still safe. While you still have some dignity. While your testicles are still neatly wound up in balls. While you still have a chance. Don’t legally bind yourself into a life like this photo.
Hey–don’t take this the wrong way. It’s just us looking out for you, because even though the above photo has to (Has to!) be a joke, we can’t help but feel that it contains just a teeny-weeny ounce of truth. And frankly, even if halitosis isn’t involved, that really scares us for you.
ZAC: Yeah, baby.
VANESSA: [eyeing Zac sweetly] I love you…
ZAC: [eyes aglaze] Mmhmm.
VANESSA: Ahem. I love you…
ZAC: Yep. [frowning suddenly] Babe, these seats are courtside. Aren’t you watching the game?
VANESSA: Yes, but for some reason, I feel like I hate Kobe.
ZAC: Hunh. I don’t see why. Don’t you at least find him kinda hot? I think he–I mean, if I was a girl–I’d think he was pretty hot.
VANESSA: [slightly thrown] Well I, uh, I mean yeah, I guess I’m with you, there. He’s hot.
ZAC: Totally. I was actually thinking of buying that $100,000 vintage tennis racquet he signed.
VANESSA: Why on earth would you do that?
ZAC: Because you also get lunch with Kobe at Carl’s Jr.!
VANESSA: You never eat at Carl’s Jr.! You said it makes people fat!
ZAC: Well, I would go if Kobe were there.
VANESSA: [eyes narrowing] What about me?
ZAC: What about you? Are you bidding, too?
VANESSA: [smacks forehead with her hand]
ZAC: I look kinda like a dark knight tonight.
VANESSA: [peeved] You look like a poseur.
ZAC: I’m a rebel without a cause!
VANESSA: In what way are you a rebel? Tell me. Is it the paycheck you get from Disney or the facial you got on Monday?
ZAC: Well, my hair, for one.
VANESSA: You have fifteen gallons of Bumble & Bumble in your hair. You look like you’re in the sequel to Hairspray.
ZAC: I’m wearing all black! This is real leather!
VANESSA: [sneering] My ex-boyfriend was a real rebel. He wore pleather.
ZAC: You stop that right now.
VANESSA: What’s wrong… jealous?
ZAC: Pleather is just…tacky. They give my thighs a rash.
VANESSA: I don’t quite know what to say.
ZAC: What’d you say?
VANESSA: Nothing. Just watching the game. Go Knicks.
Proof positive that having a baby is good for a Hollywood career: Forbes recently unveiled their second-annual “Hollywood’s Hottest Tots” list (for kids 5 and under), claiming that, in these hard times, “fawning over celebrities and their picturesque families may be just the sort of distraction people need.” Okay, sure, except half of the kids’ families are far from “picturesque,” unless that picture Forbes is referring to is an ugly one painted by breakups, breakdowns, and death (in bold):
- Suri Cruise
- Shiloh Jolie-Pitt
- Zahara Jolie-Pitt
- Pax Jolie-Pitt
- Sam Alexis-Woods
- Cruz Beckham
- Matilda Ledger
- David Banda
- Sean Preston Federline
- Sam Sheen
It’s true, though, that people crave new things, which explains why the Jolie-Pitts, who were introduced to the world from 2005-2007 in quick succession, are on the list (Knox and Vivienne were too new, but will undoubtedly dominate next year) and why Sam Alexis Woods, born in 2007, makes the cut (as Dad Tiger always does).
But Suri Cruise wins not because her parents are either revered, pitied, or despised, but because they’re a nonstop creepfest, and that, well, that never gets old.
The internet is abuzz, sorta, about new celebrity couple Keanu Reeves and China Chow!
Just Jared, described in the Vanity Fair Blogopticon as a “kinder, gentler celebrity-gossip blog, chockablock with exclamation points!”, seems to have the most pictures of the ghostly, sorta-famous pair, who were described as:
“…play fighting in the water and doing some sort of dance/karate stances along the shore.”
Witness said “karate stance”!
That’s weird, since Jared’s Asian!
That’s not even China Chow doing “karate” on the beach! Let’s compare photos! China is on the left, in a blue bikini, and the much-tanner Karate Lady is on the right, in a black bikini:
I know! I can’t believe I’m doing a bikinalysis either! But wait! It gets worse! There’s also a buttnalysis! The pale midget on the left is China (taken on a different day), the darker Amazon on the right is Karate Lady:
Source: Just Jared