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I have two male cousins that were born to and raised by the most intense woman I’ve ever met–my mom’s oldest sister. She’s my tough-as-nails, crazy-as-a-chicken, Hardass Asian Aunt and one Meanass Asian Mom. She probably thinks General McChrystal is a total pussy. Lady is intense.
In my aunt’s house, no drinks were consumed by children before their entire dinner (like a two-gallon bowl of Pho) was completely finished. Football games were not attended. Slumber parties were off limits. Piano was practiced at least two hours a day. The icing on the cake? No birthdays were celebrated, either. No parties, no presents, nothin’.
I always imagined that if I had grown up in that house, I would have spent most of my time huddled in my bedroom, pretending to study or folding my clothes. In my alone time I would’ve thrown myself countless imaginary birthday parties, given myself infinite imaginary gifts, blown out hundreds of imaginary birthday candles. Why? Because sometimes it’s nice to celebrate being alive.
Anyway, the moral of this story is… well, there is no moral. And, to be perfectly honest, my parents threw me lots of nice birthday parties, and as a result I have blown out A LOT of trick candles in my day. I didn’t have to throw myself imaginary parties. But that doesn’t mean I can’t give myself a birthday present, because dammit, it’s my birthday today! Woohoo!
And I give myself… LANCE:
Oh, I love him! Thank you, thank you, thank you, Diana!
Filed under: 4-year-old Lance plays 'What A Wonderful World' On Ukelele, Amazian Jr., Awesome Gifts, Birthday Presents, Birthdays, Celebrasians, Gen. McChrystal, Hardass Asian Aunts, Hardass Asian Moms, Imaginasian, Meanass Asian People, ukelele, What A Wonderful World
There’s only one way to celebrate John Yoo’s 42nd birthday (it’s today)–and that’s to bestow upon him the sort of kind words my Hardass Asian Grandma would offer a grandson like him if she were still alive today:
“How old are you today? 42?
Ai-ya!!! 42 is so old. So old. Life is over.
You know, you not look healthy, John. Now that you so old you have to think about your health. Your face is so fat. Your blood pressure is bad. When grandpa was your age he weigh 140 pounds and move dressers and refrigerator all around our house. Grandpa was strong and healthy.
You know, your mother says you do not visit at all, only four times a year for holidays. Such bad children after they come to America, they do not care about taking care of their mothers.
You look so old, John! You should exercise. Your wife leave you if you look too ugly.
My other grandchildren, they give me three and four and five great-grandchildren. What you give me? My friends at singing group tell me you like torture children. Ai-ya! That is bad, devil child! Why you so bad?
I work so hard all my life to get grandchild like this. 42 years waste!
Here, take some leftovers home with you.”
WHAT, GUYS!?!?! THIS IS HOW WE CELEBRATE!
Filed under: Birthdays, Bloat Face, Blood Pressure, Bush Administration, Celebrasians, Conservative Pieces of Shit, Grandchildren, Hardass Asian Grandmas, John Yoo, John Yoo Birthday, John Yoo Is A Cheesdick, John Yoo Torture Memo Author, Leftovers--Yum, White House Pawns
When I turned 21, I received a wealth of gifts. They included:
- sixer of Smirnoff ice
- knockoff version of Barbie’s little sister, Skipper
- 3 “Your first time coming here legally?? It’s on the muzzafuzzin’ house!!!” shots seeminly comprised of sugar and scope
- my first DVD porn
- 4.5 Appletinis (so hot right then)
- 13 unidentified flying cocktails
- framed photo of me with a bunch of swell college chicks in dresses holding up cocktails
SIMILARLY, on Korean Olympic speed skater’s Mo Tae-Bum’s 21st birthday (February 15), he received…
Filed under: 2010 Winter Olympics, 21st Birthday, Asians and Speed Skating, Best Presents Ever, Birthdays, Booze, Celebrasians, Everybody Loves a Winner, Glory, Gold Medalists, Gold Medals Rule, Honor, Hugging Does Not Come Naturally To Us, Hugs, Mo Tae-Bum, Similarities, Skaters, Smirnoff Ice, Speed Skating, the Olympics, Vancouver Winter Olympics, Winter Olympics
My boyfriend Jen’s boyfriend *Sigh* Our boyfriend, the delicious Rick Yune turns 38 this week.
How on earth should we celebrate? Here’s what I’m thinking.
This week, we’d like to wish a happy 35th birthday to N.E.R.D./The Neptunes’ producer/songwriter/musician/Renaissance Man Chad Hugo!
How will he celebrate the big event? Bottle service somewhere sexy-sexy? Dinner and a dance at home with the wife?
We hope that he’ll ring in the new year by growing his hair out again (‘cuz he looks friggin’ hawt with a coif) and inviting us to his major rager, before producing the first DISGRASIAN hit rekkid (If you’re reading, Chad: Don’t worry, Jen can actually sing!).
Name: Giant Robot
Occupation: Asian-American pop culture rag and brainchild of Eric Nakamura and Martin Wong
Known for: being The Little Yellow Zine That Could, showing the world why they should get on the Asian Cool tip, profiling street and pop artists like Barry McGee and Murakami before they were in every major museum collection in the free world, legitimizing skate culture, an empire of publications, shops and one restaurant in Los Angeles.
(True story–Jen met Martin Wong at Comic-Con in 1997. Martin was hawking dopeass t-shirts with an image of Bruce Lee rockin’ a turntable at the edge of the convention center. Jen was, like, “What the hell is Giant Robot and how can I be your intern?” She and Martin exchanged messages on this newfangled thing called e-mail. Martin never got his shit together to let Jen work for Giant Robot for free. The upshot? DISGRASIAN might never have happened if she had gotten that job. So thanks, Martin and Eric, for allowing us to find our own voice.)
Check out L.A.’s Japanese American National Museum’s celebrasian of Giant Robot’s 50th issue and ten artists’ work that GR has curated for the show, which runs through January.