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EVA: Tell me again why I have to stand next to you?
ASH: Because we both work for L’Oreal, silly.
EVA: Could you at the very least have let me be the only one wearing the sparkly dress?
ASH: What, this old thing? I just threw it on at the last minute.
EVA: Uh…yeah, me too! Yup, just threw this on. Just like you. Don’t even know who designed it.
ASH: Didn’t I hear you tell that journalist over there it was Naeem Khan?
“Eat this, Suri Cruise! I’m lookin’ fly on the red carpet! You think you’re so bad in your high heels? My sisters wear ties and hats and exercise pants and maxi dresses. And I am rocking this scarf and chapeau at the ‘Invictus’ premiere better than a veteran director at the Cannes film festival. You’ve been to Cannes, right? Wait–do you speak French yet? I do. I’ll translate: Cannes is French for “WE JOLIE-PITTS ARE SO MUCH COOLER THAN YOU.”
Filed under: Amazian Jr., Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, Cannes, Children That Dress Like Adults, Cute Kids, Cute-Offs, Famous Offspring, French, Live From the Red Carpet, Maddox Jolie-Pitt, Men In Hats, Our Progeny Are Just Cuter--Deal With It, Precocious Younguns, Suri Cruise High Heels, The Almighty Jolie-Pitts, Throwdowns
ELIZABETH: Oh joy, lucky me! I get to walk the red carpet with “The World’s Most Beautiful Woman”! There definitely must be a God. And he hates me.
AISHWARYA: Come now, darling. At least your films are widely seen in the West. Most Americans can’t even name one of my films!
ELIZABETH: Do you think most Americans can name any one of my films either?! All the good parts I go up for end up going to that whore Rachel McAdams. Do you know how close I was to landing The Notebook? To sniffing Ryan Gosling’s godly flesh?
ELIZABETH: So I’m always left playing the girlfriend. Or the blonde. Or the blonde girlfriend. Or the brunette girlfriend. Or the…whatever-colored-hair girlfriend who isn’t an integral part of the story. Arghhh. Shoot me.
AISHWARYA: What about that porno you made? Surely people remember that?
ELIZABETH: It wasn’t a real porno. Unfortunately…that would have actually helped my career.
AISHWARYA: (sympathetic) I see. Well, you look divine in red, dear.
ELIZABETH: I wore it when I found out I’d be walking the red carpet with you. So I would blend right in to the floor, and no one would be, like, There goes Aishwarya Rai and, uh, What’s-Her-Face-Oh-Who-Really-Cares-Anyway-Let’s-Not-Even-Bother-to-Put-Her-in-the-Headline…
AISHWARYA: No one will say that about you!
ELIZABETH: Trust me, people will definitely be saying that about me.
Zhang Ziyi may be happy: One actress made a point at The Cannes Film Festival to discuss her groundbreaking awareness of the earthquake horrors that had just occurred in China. It looks like wacktors and wacktresses know what’s going on the world after all!
Sharon “Not Just Stupid But Crazy” Stone vomited up this pile when asked whether or not she knew that the quake had occurred:
Here’s a transcript, just in case you can’t handle her face and voice at the same time:
“Of course I have. Well you know, it was very interesting because at first I am, you know, not happy about the way the Chinese are treating the Tibetans, because I don’t think anyone should be unkind to anyone else. And so, I have been very concerned about how to think and what to do about that because I don’t like … that.
And then I’ve been, this, you know, concerned about, oh, how should we deal with the Olympics, because they’re not being nice to the Dalai Lama who is a good friend of mine. And then all this earthquake and all this stuff happened, and I thought, is that karma? When you’re not nice that the bad things happen to you?
And then I got a letter from the Tibetan Foundation that they wanted to go and be helpful. And that made me cry.”
My, what incredible insight and mind-boggling influence! Not only is Stone a famous (aka important) actress (aka genius), but she’s tight with the Dalai Lama (aka popular!) and an emotional (aka melodramatic) self-sacrificing philanthropist (aka self-congratulating sad soul that feels the need to justify an empty existence by aligning herself with do-good trends) speaking her mind to the public!
Although, hmm. There’s just something–and I haven’t quite put my finger on what it is–about nonchalantly attributing a natural disaster that has killed tens of thousands and displaced millions of Chinese citizens… to karma. A massive “punishment” unleashed upon innocent citizens as payback for the decisions being made by their ruling Communist government.
Last week, our fabu intern Jasmine sent us these touching pictures of Zhang Ziyi (courtesy of Just Jared) raising awareness and sending good wishes to earthquake victims from the Cannes Film Festival:
For once, I didn’t have an issue with the Armani robot’s weird sartorial choices or her excessively dewy (okay, greazy) skin. She looked sweet. She was crying. Or she had wicked allergies in the south of France. Whatever…there was something moving about it all.
Then I read that she blogged about her experiences at Cannes and was left fuming after speaking with one group who knew little about the Sichuan quake. She wrote:
“I was as angry as a madwoman. I said, ‘Are you idiots? You are well-dressed people who look like you identify with society, but you don’t know what’s going on on planet Earth.’ It’s incredible!”
And though I’m inclined to side with Ziyi, I wonder what exactly she expected from, um, THE CANNES FILM FESTIVAL? Did she mistake the South of France for Davos? Did she believe that all movie people are as
annoying enlightened as festival jury head, Sean Penn (god help us if that were that true)? That “well-dressed people” give a shit more than fugly-dressed people? Huh?!
And that’s when, once again, Zhang Ziyi lost me. Sweet lord, that girl has a gift.
This just in from Cannes:
But somehow, on the Cannes red carpet, you make Chanel look as crazy and awkward as a giraffe dancing at a disco. Don’t you DARE call me random for making that remark. YOU’RE RANDOM! LOOK AT YOU!
I know what you’re thinking: Diana and Jen will never be happy. And perhaps you’re right.
Bai Ling has been showing up at events lately looking surprisingly tasteful, at the Cannes opening gala, for example. I was beginning to think she was making a bid to be taken seriously, an idea that would forever alter the world as we know it, until I came across this, from her photo-call to promote Shanghai Baby, which is screening at the festival.
Hong Kong director Wong Kar-Wai’s English-language debut, My Blueberry Nights, opened the 60th annual Cannes Film Festival tonight. Early reports suggest a muted reception to the film, starring Jude Law and Norah Jones. I’m stoked one way or another.
I’d like to send my best wishes to homegirl Norah Jones, who’s never acted before:
(to the tune “Don’t Know Why”)
I hope you don’t wreck this for me
I don’t know why that’s what I see
I hope your acting doesn’t suck
If it does, I’m shit out of luck
If it does, I’m shit out of luck