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TOM CRUISE: Watch my movie!
DUDE ON THE LEFT WITH THE LUSCIOUS LOCKS: Hey Tom, what’s up bro? Can you sign something for my lady?
TOM CRUISE: You look good to me.
DUDE ON THE LEFT WITH THE LUSCIOUS LOCKS: You could sign whatever, man. Maybe her shirt? We didn’t bring anything.
TOM CRUISE: Hmm… I wonder what Suri’s wearing today? Hopefully that cute, cute, cute little Burberry dress I presented to her in a box tied with a ribbon before I left. I just love her so much. She’s totally my favorite of all my kids.
GUY ON THE FAR LEFT WITH HIS EYES CLOSED: Is Tom Cruise here? I can’t see anything!
TOM CRUISE: That Cameron Diaz, what a tall drink of water. Where is she standing?
GUY ON THE FAR LEFT WITH HIS EYES CLOSED: I can’t see her either!
TOM CRUISE: Did any of you happen to see The Last Samurai?
MAN ON RIGHT: I did. Not the most accur–
TOM CRUISE: I am so in love with my wife, Kate! If I wasn’t here at this premiere, I would be ordering a dozen cupcakes to send to her while she’s shopping at Barney’s.
CHILD BEING HELD BY MAN ON RIGHT: I hate it here, Daddy! Can we GO?
Photos taken on the set of Michel Gondry’s Green Hornet recently surfaced, but they may leave those who revere Bruce Lee’s badass legacy as Kato a little cold.
And you know robble, robble, robble rhymes with “trouble.”
Hey lady! ‘Memba me? I’ve written you before. Perhaps my blog post/letter got lost in the cyberether/mailroom? No matter. The gist of what I said then hasn’t changed.
Today, I heard that you really want to do Charlie’s Angels 3. You were quoted as saying:
“I do (see Diaz and Barrymore). All the time. I’d love to do another Charlie’s Angels film. That would be so much fun.”
I couldn’t help thinking that the subtext/translasian of that was:
“Are you there, Cam? Drew? It’s me, Lucy. My show got canceled. I’m staring down the barrel of 40. Yes, there’s a gun in my mouth. “
We know we’re hard on you. You’ve been the object of our haterasian countless times, but, really, it’s cuz we love you. We actually love your freckles, those slightly-crossed eyes, that midgety body. Yeah, we’re fucked up like that. But you see, Luce, you’re our Obi-Wan. You’re our only hope. When people think “Asian actress” and “movies,” there’s–like that Yaz song–only you. It’s kinda unfair to have those gigantic expectations heaped on your teensy shoulders but, then again, you’re Asian and expectations are your little bitch. And, as my Hardass Asian Mother would say when whiny shit comes out of my mouth like “I don’t think I can handle it”: Handelit! Handelit!
So, please, for the love of your people, MAKE A GOOD MOVIE. I’m not really buying that your problem is that age-old issue of “Asian actors can’t get good roles in Hollywood” blah blah blah. Like I said before, go small. Do an indie. Self-finance if you have to. Fuck Angels, yo, why not do a Monster? Or a Monster’s Ball? Ditch the makeup and heels. Stop playing characters with their shit together–hard as that may be for an overachiever like yourself. Learn how to cry copiously on cue. Be weak. Take a role that requires you to wear at all times a sad, ugly, old, nubby, clawed-up sweater, the kind that is not made of 24-ply cashmere. I’m going to put one on now, in fact, though it’s the middle of summer, because having this conversasian again kinda depresses the hell outta me.
with tough but tired love,
Cameron Diaz apologized this week after being snapped in Machu Picchu, Peru, carrying a bag with a red star on it that read “Serve the People” in Chinese. The slogan was one of Mao Zedong’s most famous proletariat–and utterly hypocritical–rallying cries. Maoist Peruvian rebels known as the Shining Path fought their government in the 80′s and 90′s and killed an estimated 70,000 people.
If I thought Cammy didn’t fully resemble the airhead character assASSination Suckfia Coppola made of her in Lost in Translation–the only thing about that movie that didn’t reek–I would write her a letter. But I’m pretty sure Cammy can’t read, which is why I’m here to review the fundamentals of learning, also known as the three R’s: Reading,’Riting, and ‘Rithmetic.
Rule #1: Reading
If you cain’t read it, don’t wear it.
Rule #2: ‘Riting
If you cain’t read it, don’t ‘rite it down. On your body. Permanently.
Remember when Britney got a tattoo that she thought was Chinese for “mysterious” but, instead, it turned out to be “strange”? Wow. What a sign of things to come.
Rule #3: ‘Rithmetic
If you cain’t count the number of people your favorite dictator has had killed, don’t hang him in your living room.
Lesson learned? Racial drag is for retards.
Cameron Diaz was snapped at a Korean airport today, looking…
Damn, girl. Getting dumped becomes you.