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DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Scotty Lago, Michael Phelps And The Olympic-Sized Case Of Mistasian Identity

March 5th, 2010 | 6 comments | Posted by Jen

Earlier in the week, we told you about how snowboarder Scotty Lago went on Kimmel and, with the help of a friend who’d spoken to fellow Olympian Michael Phelps, identified the woman who blew his bronze and got him bounced from the Games as a reporter who had also tried to “make out” with Phelps.

Good thing our friends are smarter than Scotty and Michael’s friends, because ours quickly pointed us to this post by Canadiasian gossip blogger Elaine “Lainey” Lui, the reporter in question, who runs the site Lainey Gossip. Lainey not only refutes that she’s the same woman who gave Lago the bronzejob, but she also tells her side of the story behind the “alleged” Phelps make-out attempt.

Lainey Lui on the left, The Bronze Blower on the right

She writes in “For Michael Phelps: Distinguishing Asians 101″:

Continue reading DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Scotty Lago, Michael Phelps And The Olympic-Sized Case Of Mistasian Identity

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Don’t Love This Long Time

November 6th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana


Dear Justin,

Does your weiner burn? If not, we’ve reached you in time. Let’s talk.

Listen, we understand what happens when you get dumped by the most desirable girlfriend on the planet. Dude, it happens. And here’s the thing: we’re pretty sure she was never going to stay with you anyway. Not saying that to hurt you, it’s just true. Drew loves “It” guys, loves ‘em truly-uly-uly, but simply has to move on, eventually. You can’t box a cherub, you can’t cage a cuddly bird like her. She must fly and be free. On to the next indie rock singer or indie flick star or indie comedy man.

So, it’s natural to go f*ck-crazy after you’ve gotten your heart stomped on by your true love’s Converse. And after you’ve gone through the initial stage of punching yourself in the stomach and crying until your face is puffed up like a Beard Papa’s cream dessert, that seems like the right thing to do. Put your peepee in something, anything that moves.

The problem is not taking your dating bar into consideration. Once you raise the bar (for example, by bagging Drew Barrymore) the bar is high. You can date anyone on the tippy-top level forever and ever…until, you drop your standards:


Oh dear. Honey, you don’t want to go that route–smoker’s breath, a dumpy film career, crack face, droopy chest. It’s a slippery slope from Kirsten, which we called the moment we saw you guys at Sunset Junction. But we didn’t know quite how fast and low you would tumble down below until we heard that you started hooking up with Tila Tequila around Halloween.


Dude. DUDE. Take it from us. When your bar drops this far, it’s hard to come back. You don’t want to be relegated to dating girls from The Hills or some castaway from Rock of Love next, do you?

So please take our advice, and a cold shower: Date UP. Not down. And whatever you do, beware the Tequila–could make you sick, and you’ll definitely regret it in the morning.

xoxo
DISGRASIAN

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Wax Creasian

September 29th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana


My one piece of advice to those at the National Museum Wax Art Exhibition in Beijing: If you’re going to bother making a wax figure of Michael Phelps, it’s fine to get his face wrong…


…just get his body right.


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"I’m A Republicasian"

April 2nd, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

I know what you’re saying: “Diana, if you keep posting about those weird-eyed skeletons from The Hills all the time, you only make matters worse.”

You’re right. Oh well.

Anyway, I’m sure you’ll all be thrilled to hear that Heidi Montag–the show’s pasty, butterfaced villain with the fake boyfriend and tatas– actually said something that I think is smart.

To US Weekly, regarding her political views:

I’m a Republican and McCain has a lot of experience…I don’t think anyone cares who Heidi Montag votes for.

Keep it up, Heidi! We couldn’t agree more.

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DISGRASIAN OF THE YEAR: Looks Like Everybody Hates Tila Tequila

January 4th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

As you know, we (generally) self-centered bitches of DISGRASIAN took it upon ourselves to pass the baton to our incredible readers for once… and have you decide 2007′s DISGRASIAN OF THE YEAR.

And the people have spoken, loud and clear–in beautiful, loud, unbroken English!!!

Turns out y’all hate this phony-baloney, circus-titted, drive-bi floozy:

We don’t “bi” this shit either.


…even more than we do (or about as much)!!!

A mind-boggling 56% of you cast your vote for Tila Tequila’s denouncement. Her closest competitors were a tied trifecta of hateful DISGRASIANS–Bai Ling, Michelle Malkin, and Gwen Stefani–each of whom barely made a bid with their respective 10% of the vote.

We can’t stand any of ‘em… but we couldn’t agree with you more! Well done, readers, well done! Here’s hoping Tila crawls under a rock and, well, goes away… in early 2008!

“You loathe me… You really loathe me!”


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Paris is Burning

November 27th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana


PARIS (TO SELF): Damn, I look good.

PARIS’ SELF: They can see your ass.

PARIS (TO SELF): Who can?

PARIS’ SELF: Everyone. We’re in China. Billions of people can see your ass.

PARIS (TO SELF): Even though I’m wearing tights?

PARIS’ SELF: Yes.

PARIS (TO SELF): Oh, good. That’s hot.

PARIS’ SELF: Actually, I don’t think a qipao should ever be worn in such a way that the world can see your ass.

PARIS (TO SELF): Why not? It’s hot.

PARIS’ SELF: Let me correct that statement. No talentless white girl with a butter face and a flaccid ass should perform racial drag, just because she happens to be in Shanghai, by wearing a minidress that sort of resembles a qipao and rides up high to show her disgusting, drippy-looking rump.

PARIS (TO SELF): Oooomigod. You totally just said about 10 words I didn’t understand. What have you been doing with yourself, self?

PARIS’ SELF: Y’know, this and that.

PARIS (TO SELF): This and that? When you went out the other day you said you were going to go look at little dogs and shoes for me.

PARIS’ SELF: Well.

PARIS (TO SELF): Come closer. You smell like Chanel! Have you been hanging out with those DISGRASIAN girls again?

PARIS’ SELF: Um.

PARIS (TO SELF): You are! You know I don’t like them. They point out my body flaws. They’ve called me a cultural low.

PARIS’ SELF: They’ve seen your ass up close in a bikini and maintain that it’s falling faster than the stock market in 1929.

PARIS (TO SELF): The what in the what?

PARIS’ SELF: My god, you’re meaningless.

PARIS (TO SELF): I’m what?

PARIS’ SELF: This is a little too existential for you.

PARIS (TO SELF): This is too what and the who?

PARIS’ SELF: Burn this dress.

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A Shot At Sophisticasian

October 31st, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana


“Hey y’all. I’ve been reading DISGRASIAN, and I can see that you guys don’t really think I’m legit. But I am legit. I swear to god. I swear! Augh!

To prove that I’m more than just hair extensions and tits, I’ve decided to give myself a sophisticated makeover. I’ve got cloth over my nipples. And Check out my “Posh” bob! And look–I’m wearing a denim jumper that reminds me of that ugly thing Cameron Diaz wore a few months ago! Ooh ooh ooh, and these are 100% Authentic Jessica Simpson-brand shoes, y’all.

I’m still pretty, right? You still want to look at me, right? Don’t you? Hey. Hey! Take my ass seriously. …See my ass? See it?”

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DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Tila "Drive-Bi" Tequila

October 12th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana
Try harder, Tila.

Yeah, yeah. So I loathe Tila Tequila. What else is new? She’s nothing like Jen or myself, which basically means she totally sucks. She tans herself to an inhuman color of orange, has awfully large/fake circus tits, wears every cheap tranny hooker outfit of the spectrum (naughty nurse, naughty schoolgirl, naughty naked person), sports hideous and stupid tattoos, screams verses and choruses of terrible “music,” possesses no actual charisma, and speaks with the weakest public speaking voice I’ve ever heard…

…oh, and is an awful speller–whoops, speler:

…but that stuff has always just kind of annoyed me. It’s never really made me angry. I’ve always reasoned–Nobody’s even paying attention to this girl besides the 19-year olds on MySpace. And ultimately, besides disgracing women and Asians and Asian women, it’s not like she’s truly hurting anyone besides herself…

Jen and I took pains (and trust me, it was painful) to sit through the full hour of Tequila’s new reality shit show earlier this week. With each passing scene, I begged loudly for Jen to turn it off. I have a strong stomach, but that ‘ca was making me straight-up ILL.

We trekked through each mind-numbing minute together, and grimaced and groaned through every poorly-produced second. We just didn’t get it. Part of me wondered: maybe we’re just too old and smart (Toot! Toot!) to enjoy the Lowest Common Denominator humor, or to be watching MTV at all (wasn’t it only “our” MTV in the 80′s and 90′s), right? Was that the real problem?

But something deeper lurked… it bubbled and it boiled within me. I started to find myself getting angry. I was actually, finally angry with Tila Tequila.

Why? Because suddenly I realized that Tila Tequila is a homisogynasian.

What’s a homisogynasian? A homisogynasian is a DISGRASIAN that exploits the incredibly banal, misogynistic hunger for camera-friendly hot lesbo action (usually not acted by actual lesbos) for their own fame and monetary gain. Joe Francis is a wonderful example of a homisogynasian. Tequila is another.

If you haven’t done your homework, A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila is meant to be a groundbreaking reality dating show in which Tila finally comes forth to the world to reveal a sexual secret she’s been hiding from everyone, even her parents. That secret is not that she “likes to get freaky-deaky” or “isn’t a virgin.” It’s that she’s… BISEXUAL!

“I haven’t even told my parents. I’ve only told my agent, my manager, the show’s producers that came up with this idea,
MTV, the producers of the show trailers, the dozens of press people
who have asked me about the show concept, and all of my friends on MySpace.
Oh well, I guess national television is as good a place as any.”

Bisexuality generally refers to people that are sexually attracted to people of both sexes; moreover, people that are romantically interested in people of both sexes. This show promises a “shot at love,” i.e. a relationship with Miss Tequila. She could potentially fall in love and develop a loving, romantic relationship with a person of either sex.

Oh, really? ‘Cause I don’t buy it. I will argue that Tila’s not looking for love with men and women. Rather, she’s an attention whore who knows that guys love it when girls rub their tits together and lick each others tongues wearing see-through short-short jammies. Sure, maybe Tequila’s the kind of girl that can get her jollies from a male or female body part, but lots of people enjoy a diddle–and a diddle is a diddle regardless of who’s diddling. Does this make them bisexual? Does this incline them towards building actual relationships with either heterosexual males or homosexual females? I don’t think so.

I will go so far as to call SHENANIGANS on Tequila. That’s right, SHENANIGANS. I wonder if Tila’s ever had a “girlfriend”–like the kind you buy dinner and spoon with–that she didn’t simply soak up and then peck on the lips on camera to entertain her cheap, pervy male fanbase, i.e.:

… Seems unlikely.

And hrmm… when she did this idiotic “interview” with DISGRASIAN Hall-of-Shamers Bastardly.com, she failed to mention anything about her raging bisexuality when they asked her which celebrity she’d “go lesbian for.”

She did, however, think to choose Angelina Jolie, which is one of those hateful, standard answers that every single straight woman in America loves to chirp. Hell, my mom would probably answer Angelina Jolie. Or one of my sisters, all three of whom are total super-hetero squares with very little imagination in this arena.

I find it terribly convenient that in a desperate bid for her own television show, Tequila’s gay/bi/curious side emerged. And that it would play out in such a way that the activities of the men and women play so heavily into the interests of a young, horny, straight male fanbase than those of the gay/lesbian/bisexual community:

For example, when introducing themselves to Tila, the male contestants are made to bring stupid presents to impress her. We’re talking basic “bro” content here: lame gifts, stupid pickup lines, Tila making digs at their manhood, etc. But all of them men are fully clothed and only humiliated by their own shortcomings.

The females, on the other hand, are instructed to wear whore sexy outfits and strut down a catwalk like pieces of meat for MTV’s straight, horny male viewers Tila to drool over. These being their first moments on screen, I was shocked at how immediately the females are debased. For starters, they’ve been lied to–all of the lesbian contestants were told by producers that they were to be on TV’s first lesbian dating show (one cast member hadn’t publicly outed herself yet and seemed to think this would be a good opportunity). Moreover, they are immediately forced into fulfilling some twisted hetero-male fantasy–oh, no wait, in real life when you get a group of lesbians together, about 90% of them will be of the lipstick variety and all they want to do is get undressed and then git dooowwwn. When does the tit-rubbing begin?!?!! And the licking? Sign me up!

While Tequila rebuffs advances from the male suitors that want to get “freaky deaky” too soon, she shows absolutely no reticence in getting physical with the females, dancing from one to the next as if in a round of duck-duck-goose, and is quick to lay out some well-lit girl-on-girl tongue kisses to titillate MTV’s straight, horny male viewers herself. Listen; I went to college, girls french it out all the time, especially if guys are buying shots. But one tongue-mash does not a bisexual make. And all of this absurdity reeks of bullshit.

I’ll just be clear: Tequila is a total drive-bi, a talentless slutty twat whose interests are tickling the fantasies of virginal teen boys and making a quick buck for herself. I won’t be convinced of otherwise. But I do wonder: What does she think about the dozen or so actual lesbians that she lied straight-faced to, who were duped into thinking that they were going on the first reality dating show for lesbians? Does she feel no responsibility for the fact that they likely set out doing something they thought to be politically noble and instead turned out to be vulgar, perverse, and politically misleading? Is she psyched that young viewers now believe that there is a legitimacy to the idea that sexes can “compete” to best each other in the complicated world of sexuality?

I mean, I guess this must confirm that sexuality is a choice. Thank you, Tequila, for settling this decades-long debate. You’ve brought us so far. We’ve advanced eons. Hell, we can even cancel the gay pride parade this year–it’s almost like we don’t even need it anymore.

So back to watching this pathetic piece of rat poo television with Jen. I was all kiiiiiiiiiiiiinds of riled up.

But then I thought to myself, “Who the Helsinki is going to watch this dung heap? It’s too horrendous. It’s so poorly made. She’s actually really boring aside from her weird midget body and big ol’ boobies, she lacks an honesty in her eyes or a captivating presence, and the supporting characters are for the most part total clowns. This shit will be canceled in no time and nobody could possibly buy into this nonsense. NOBODY is WATCHING.” We called it a day, I left DISGRASIAN HQ feeling like I could’ve used a Prozac, and went to bed feeling empty.

The next day, I read the following tidbit from one of the TV trades:

MTV’s hour-long premiere of A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila Tuesday night (10p) delivered a 2.0 rating among P12-34 and averaged more than 1.8 million total viewers. The debut episode soared even higher with W18-24 viewers at a 4.0 rating and with female teens at a 3.3 rating.

Oh, shit. Guess somebody was watching.

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THE INSANITY BAROMETER

August 21st, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana
“So you’re saying that to succeed in Hollywood I need to speak in full sentences, dress appropriately, and sing in key? Is this some kind of joke?*”

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*Of COURSE it’s a joke. This is Hollywood, Butterface. If you want us to notice you, show us your cooch! Say something like “I’m a little bad, hee hee!” and “Fame is hard” “I don’t really try to be a sex symbol” and “There’s pressure to be thin” and “I love the Ivy because of the food, y’know?”

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