DISGRASIAN™

Where in the World is Kim Jong Il Korea?

Here’s a photo of Kim Jong Il during a military unit visit on April 25, published in the South Korean newspaper Chosun Ilbo.

And here’s him doing another military unit visit on June 14.

Wait. No. Wait. No. That’s the same one, just blurry and missing a couple of dudes–hold on. Let me find it.

Shoot. That’s the same photo again. Isn’t it? Isn’t it?

Huuuuuuunnnnh. Guess that’s the question of the hour. How very interesting.

Now wait. This is big. If North Korea is doctoring photos of Kim, that means one of the following:

1. Kim Jong Il is finally so filled with shame and remorse for being a chubby, bull-headed, nuke-loving dick-tator, that he refuses to show his face in public anymore. Yay!
2. Kim Jong Il is too fat to walk.
3. Kim Jong Il overslept on June 25 and this photo was part of a sloppy coverup scheme.
4. Kim Jong Il just discovered this awesome shit called Photoshop! Favorite tool: smudge.
5. Kim Jong Il is dead as a bed.
6. Kim Jong Il is ill for rill, near death, and not up and able for photo-ops. Time for him to throw in the goddamn towel and stop being such a giant worldwide cheesedick.

I’m going with 3. Totally.

[NYT: Photo Stirs Speculation on North Korean Leader]

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Thanks, Jen!

Filed under: Bizarre Photographs, Busted, Cheesedicks, Doctored Photos, Kim Jong Be Illin', Kim Jong Il, Kim Jong Il Dead, Kim Jong-Il is Missing, North Korea, Photoshop, Really? They're Trying This?

Hanoi Mary Jane

I don’t know why exactly, but this story amuses the hell outta me: “Police nab two cannabis growers in cemetery.” Two cemetery caretakers in Hanoi were busted this week for growing pot in an 82 square-foot patch o’ dead people right before their first harvest. Which makes me wonder: Are dead people good fertilizer for da kine bud? Is that what gives weed those yummy crystals? Do dead people give you a body high or a cerebral high? Is it the kind of Mary Jane that makes you wanna crash or rage on the D-floor? Does it make you more or less paranoid?

SO MANY QUESTIONS.

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Filed under: Busted, Cemeteries, Deadheads, Hanoi, I Smoke Dead People, Marijuana, Mary Jane, Weed, Weird Vietnamese Behavior

Miss Spelling

The Miss Universe pageant is currently underway in Vietnam and pageant organizers have already demonstrated that they can’t spell “Philippines.” Miss Philippines Jennifer Barrientos’ sash read “Miss Phillippines” for three days before the mistake was corrected. I only learned about this because I happen to have a Google Alert for “Phillipines.” That’s right, with two L’s. Because I, um…am on a mission to rid the world of its ignorance when it comes to spelling the name of this Southeast Asian island-nation. Yes, that’s it! And to do that, I have to be hypervigillant. I have to scour the web for Phillippineses. I have to sleep with one eye open just so that I can be on the lookout at ALL TIMES for those hatefull two L’s. The devills who commit this crime over and over must be stopped, and I, uh…

…I maybe can’t spell “Philippines” either.

The Miss Universe pageant airs July 13 on NBC.

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Filed under: Bad Spellers, Beautiful Filipina Women, Busted, Dammit, Jennifer Barrientos, Miss Universe, Pinaysian Persuasian, the Philippines, The Two LL's in Philippines

Massagenist

A New York state whorehouse was busted this week and…Eliot Spitzer had no connection whatsoever to it! Weird. The massage parlor/brothel, Acupuncture Qi-Gong Tui Na, operated from a strip mall in Medford, NY (not pictured above). 3 women, Jiu Ying Wang, 48, Yue Hua Zuo, 49, and Lin Ling Na, 39, were charged with prostitution and giving massages without a license, although no johns were arrested (which is bullllllllllllshit). Newsday reports:

The masseuses charged $60 for a standard hourlong massage, and depending on the amount of the tip, sometimes as high as $100, the masseuse would perform a sex act on the client, said Sgt. Todd Barone of the Suffolk police crime section.

Oh dear. Ladies, ladies. You work hard for the money. So hard for it, honey. You work hard for the money, so he bettah leave more money than a hundy for massage with release.

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Filed under: Arrest the Johns Too, Busted, Cheap Hookers, Massage with Release, This is Bullshit

Busted

I know exactly what the Asian gal with the cute bangs–who is simply mindin’ her business while paying at the counter of Claire’s as Britney and her circus of paparazzi bl0w through–is thinking: “Fuck. All my bitchy Asian girlfriends just busted my ass buying C.Z.”

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Filed under: Britney Spears, Busted, Claire's, Fake Bling, Horrible Moments of Realizasian, Paparazzi Whores

She Drives Me Crazian

Some of you have shown some curiosity as to why there’s been a noticeable absence of Britney Spears discourse on DISGRASIAN of late, especially because her goings-on are so fucking ubiquitous and it’s rare for us to ignore ubiquity. The fact of the matter is that, like many of you, we’ve been well aware for quite some time that the girl is sick. Not sick and twisted, more like really, really sick, scared, crazy, and sad.

What’s going on with her doesn’t entertain or scare us. It does, however, bum us out. We feel a lot of empathy for people that are crazian, especially because we grew up knowing that people like our parents and aunts and uncles and grandparents would do anything in the world to avoid admitting that they, or anyone they know, were nuts (trust us, they were). Why? Because being out of control was scary.

Crazytown is a lonely place, and if you’re headed there, most people don’t want to take the trip with you–unless your name is Britney Spears, in which case, every paparazzo/bored teenager/housewife/Pat O’Brien wants you take them to…Crazytown…so they can photograph every messy step of your messy, crazy life, until you plop down dead in front of them.

That saga isn’t funny or interesting to us. Insanity is some serious shit, dude.

I happened to be thinking about just this when I saw Bai Ling last night. We were both on the “green carpet” for the Annual Peapod Foundation Benefit in Hollywood (don’t bother looking for me; I ditched my pals in front of the photographers to avoid looking like a tired, work-clothed handler labeled as “and guest” in any WireImage photos). Here she was, the Queen of Crazian in the flesh, and for the first time ever, I could observe her from up close and personal.

She was, as expected, sporting those idiotic band-aids on her stupid shins. And after making a few rounds of crazy faces for the snappers, she lingered at the end of the carpet to see if anyone wanted to chat. For about ten minutes, nobody made a bid. I would’ve, but I couldn’t let myself. She was too giddy, too awkward, too unholy–too CRAZIAN. All I could do was snarl.

Eventually, Crazy Bai found a reporter-type that was willing to talk to her, although I made a mental note that the reporter never wrote anything down or recorded a word she said. But I’m burying the headline: BAI WASN’T CRAZY AFTER ALL. She was talking like a normal person, with a slight accent, nothing about being an alien, or nipples, or what does it mean, dick?

Imagine my shock. My horror. Bai’s wackiness is a shtick, a put-on, nothing but an ACT!

Well, I will say this. Jen and I have little to no empathy for actors.

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Filed under: Actors, Bai Ling, Band-Aids, Britney Spears, Busted, Drive-Bai Crazians, Empathy, Green Carpets, I Don't Like Photos, Insanity