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A Note To Rachel Lee, Who May Have Burgled Lindsay and Audrina

October 24th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana
Rachel Lee, Celeburglar?

Hi Rachel,

What’s up, girl? We just read that you turned yourself in to the police last month, and just got arrested, in association with the February burglaries of celebutards Audrina Patridge and Lindsay Lohan–aka the Hollywood Hills “Burglar Bunch” string of celebrity heists.

So okay, there are just a couple of teensy things that your big sistaz here at DISGRASIAN have to say (if we may):

First of all, we can’t condone crime, baby. That shit is not good for our collective AZN rep. Stealing is especially frowned upon (unless it’s of the spotlight, the glory, or some dirty bitch’s boyfriend) because it reads as really desperate, sad behavior. Our peeps—we aren’t desperate! We shouldn’t steal stuff cuz we should have stuff. We don’t need stuff, we’ve got good stuff. And if we want more stuff, we just do reallyreallyreally well at something and get a bunch of money and then buy that stuff. Know what we mean?

Secondly, bravo on turning yourself in. That shows a bit of penance, or at least the smarts to build leverage before you and your buddies get threatened with prison time and beaten and forced to narc like crazy on each other until y’all are facing life without the possibility of parole or something. Did your parents make you hand yourself over to the fuzz? Wait–do your parents EVEN KNOW YOU [ALLEGEDLY] ROBBED A COUPLE OF CELEBRITIES YET?!? Or do they think you’re off at college or something and just not returning phone calls about your grades? If not, whoa, sister. We don’t know you, but our spare room is open if you get released and need to hide/crash somewhere for the rest of your life. Shit.

Third and finally, did you manage to steal anything good? From Lohan’s house, we mean (we’ve got no interest in Patridge’s extensive collection of skanky mini-dresses). There’s gotta be some crazy shit up in that hellhole! Anyway, let us know… we’re, um, just curious!

Keep ya head up, girl.

xoxo
DISGRASIAN

[NY Daily News: Second Suspect In Lindsay Lohan's Home Burglary, Rachel Lee, Turns Herself Over To Police]
[TMZ: 4th Burglar Bunch Suspect Arrested In Nevada]

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Legacy

June 19th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

BREAKING NEWS!!!

Local10.com reports:

HIALEAH, Fla. — A teenager with a brown belt in karate used a samurai sword to scare off a burglar who was after his PlayStation 3 video game console…

…According to a police report, one of the burglars kicked in [the] bedroom door…

The burglar found the empty PlayStation 3 box and ran out of the room, but Damian was waiting for him.

“Once I saw him take off running back, I jumped off my (bunk) bed and I grabbed my sword … and I just waited for him,” he said.

Damian said he lunged at him with his samurai sword, striking him in the chest.

“He freaked out,” Damian said.

Somewhere in a Japanese grave, a self-expired Samurai is rolling over, moaning “First Tom Cruise, now this??”

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ROCK OF ASIAN: Part Deux

May 9th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Reports surfaced today detailing a heinous burglary of the newly reunited Smashing Pumpkins’ practice space, which resulted in the theft of photos intended in some way for their forthcoming album Zeitgeist.

Among the reportedly stolen photos, according to Pitchfork:

  • Paris Hilton posing in front of a backdrop of a bomb exploding
  • The Grim Reaper standing at a podium emblazoned with the Seal of the President of the United States, in front of a black and white Smashing Pumpkins flag
  • A person in a business suit wearing a devil mask and being crucified
  • Five blonde children saluting
  • Close-up of Billy Corgan in a hoodie
  • Billy Corgan in a hoodie, standing next to a woman with no shirt on

ZZzzzZZZZzzZZZZZzzzzzzzzz… Oh! Hi! Still there? I’m sorry, I fell asleep in my pizza.

The band’s management released a statement today:


“Management for The Smashing Pumpkins confirms that the band’s rehearsal studio in Chicago was burglarized last week.

The two people who are now in jail illegally gained access to the band’s private space and stole various items belonging to them over the course of several hours while the band had left for the evening.”

In other news, below is a transcript from DISGRASIAN’s daily startup conversation from this morning:

DIANA: Good morning.

JEN: Coffee first. Then good morning.

[JEN and DIANA silently pour espressos over ice]

JEN: Ahh! There we go. Good morning. You look cute today.

DIANA: Not bad for prison garb, right?

JEN: Diana, we’re not in prison. We’re in jail.

DIANA: Same thing!

JEN: Not exactly. [waves Iced Americano in the air]

DIANA: Good point. I wonder how we got this sweet jail suite.

JEN: My guess is that somebody hates Billy Corgan as much as we do.

[JEN and DIANA high five]

DIANA: I wish we hadn’t gotten busted though.

JEN: Me too. I also thought the Paris Hilton photo was going to be better.

DIANA: Totally! I thought Wonk Eye was going to be melting from a bomb explosion or something.

JEN: We could have made cool mugs and stuff using that image.

DIANA: Melted Wonk Eye Mugs!

JEN: Almost as good as the Love. Angel. Music. Slavery. Mugs?

JEN: Almost.

DIANA: Those are hard to beat.

JEN: Totally. They’re so great.

DIANA: So great.

JEN: I loved that Grim Reaper picture.

DIANA: Oh dude, that’s so funny. I thought that was Mark Antony.

JEN: Have I mentioned lately how annoying this whole Zeitgeist concept is?

DIANA: It goes without saying. Oh, you’re stepping on your jumpsuit leg.

JEN: Thanks. I’m shocked at how well my skin goes with orange. I never would have thought…

DIANA: I know! Who knew?

JEN: Sigh. Now that it’s over, I realize how emotionally scarred I am from those graphic pictures.

DIANA: The Aryan children saluting?

JEN: No dude. Billy Corgan in a hoodie. His crazy face gives me nightmares. BLEGGHHH.

DIANA: More coffee, Jen. Helps the medicine go down.

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