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DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! The Karate Kid And Red Dawn: Two Movie Remake-Wrongs Don’t Make A Right

June 4th, 2010 | 12 comments | Posted by Jen

NEWSFLASH: China is America’s enemy.

Okay, so this is not news exactly. But it’s a meme that’s getting some pop cultural attention this year with the release of two 80′s movie remakes that promote the idea–two of my favorite movies growing up, as it so happens–The Karate Kid, which opens in a week, and Red Dawn, which will debut in November.

The new Karate Kid is set in Beijing, where those oversized, sandy-haired thugs, aka Cobra Kai, have been updated into a gang of oversized, slanty-eyed thugs.

Say what you will about bad guys, but they always know how to rock a uniform, even when it’s dorky as hell

There are good Chinese people to balance out this “I am extremely terrified of Chinese Continue reading DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! The Karate Kid And Red Dawn: Two Movie Remake-Wrongs Don’t Make A Right

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April 30th, 2010 | 15 comments | Posted by Diana

Dear Geniuses at Apple,

It’s no secret that Jen and I are longtime members of your cult. We live the iLife and it feels good. Jen–who prefers a corded home phone (I know, I know) and doesn’t like to be put in a corner (aka reachable while on-the-go)–even has an iPhone. Do you realize what a coup that is? I got a text from her once and I fainted. Oh, Apple.

I don’t have an iPhone. I never have.  I like the tactile sensation of my dexterous thumbs on actual buttons, tippity-tappitying messages at a wild rate and sending them off with a flourish that people can not only see, but hear and feel. I love the clunk of a Blackberry. I love that I can drop it in my coffee without breaking my own heart (I once washed someone’s iPhone 3GS by accident and it ripped my soul to shreds). I mean, I live off of my phone, and I rest easier knowing that any malfunction/loss can be dealt with outside of the Genius Bar. You can have my heart, Apple, but you cannot have my phone.

At least that’s what I’ve been saying since June of 2007, when you first released the slick, zippy, fun-filled, multi-functional, who-needs-a-brain-to-work-this-incredible-gadget iPhone. Series after series I’ve watched pour from your beautifully austere stores, right into the pockets of each and every one of my friends and loved ones. My friend develops apps that I can’t use. My sister texts me emoticons that I can’t see. I stick out like a sore thumb at  rock shows when everyone starts recording and editing video with just a raise of their right arm and a swish of their finger. Still, I’ve held out. A lone ranger in a valley of touchscreen cattle.

But April 19, when excitement began to brew over the new super-secret iPhone prototype (apparently, the model meant to be released in a month) that got leaked and thoroughly dissected by the cool kids at Gizmodo, my ears perked up for the first time.

Continue reading DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Our Beloved, Apple

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March 4th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

An announcement that China will be increasing its defense budget by (jaw drop) 18% this year has swept through the world at a dizzying pace. The United States, in particular, seems tense: What does it mean? Are the Chinese after us? Where are the bombs!!?!?!?

People are fa-reaked!

Fortunately, I know to stay calm. I’m just going to sit back in my Hummer, put on some John Cougar, and relax–knowing that when the Chinese wildly jack up their defense line to a whopping $58 billion, they don’t have a puny prayer against America’s $696 BILLION defense budget for 2008.

He he he, AMERICA RULES!!!


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August 3rd, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

To the small-dicked, testosterone-filled, pus-brained assholes in this Chinese classroom that thought it a good idea to gang up on and terrorize one kid,


Stay cool!


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Shaming One’s Offspring Not Limited to Hardass Asian Parents

May 18th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

The AP reported today that seventh grader Miasha Williams was suspended from her Temecula, CA school for bullying another student. Williams’ mom, Ivory Spann, took her daughter’s punishment one step further, making the 12 year-old hold up a sign that read “I Engaged In Bullying Behavior” outside of her school.

Ouch, Miasha! That shit is harsh, honey. I feel for you.


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Roy Pearson Clearly Ain’t Packin’ Much In Those Pants

May 3rd, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Roy Pearson–the psychotic DC Administrative Law judge that has filed the most ludicrous vengeance lawsuit of all time against The Chungs (pictured below), an immigrant Korean couple that owns Custom Cleaners, an alterations/dry cleaners in Northeast Washington–is up for reappointment this week.

For those who don’t know, Pearson has somehow manipulated a temporary mixup with with his pants into a multi-million dollar litigous nightmare, citing among his complaints: fraud (for display signs saying “same day service” and “satisfaction guaranteed”) and the resulting necessity of a rental car every weekend for the next ten years to “drive” to another dry cleaners. The real sticker– Pearson’s pants were found a week after the snafu and he refuses to pick them up.

Here’s the deal. Pearson is a total punk. Look at The Chungs–they’re adorable. They are sweet, hardworking immigrants just trying to live the American dream of working long hours, dealing with asshole customers, and making just enough to scrape by.

Says the Washington Post:

“For the past two years… they’ve been dealing with the nightmare of litigation: a $65 million lawsuit over a pair of missing pants.

Jin Nam Chung, Ki Chung and their son, Soo Chung, are so disheartened that they’re considering moving back to Seoul, said their attorney, Chris Manning, who spoke on their behalf.”

What’s it going to take to stop Pearson’s temper tantrum?

One can only hope that The Chungs don’t give into this supreme asshat, win their case in court, and change their minds about leaving America.

Pearson, on the other hand, should be rightfully disbarred and kicked out of the courtroom faster than Britney Spears running from a shower. Homey sounds like he needs a pacifier and some Pampers waaaaaaaay more than a gavel.


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Picking on Prosthetics?

March 12th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Did anybody else read this in The New York Post today?

Just a few questions/comments for Ms. Burke:

1) Who does your hair? Très weedwacker. I hate it.
2) Great halter top. I just googled you. I love that you apparently have a halter “thing.”
3) Who exactly are you and why should you be a celebrity? No no no, I mean really. And you have to answer the question without using the words “Lachey” or “reality TV” or “Koi.”
4) And lastly, this. I realize that’s it’s difficult to feel bad for Sir Paul McCartney’s [allegedly] gold-digging, once-racily-photographed, now-$56-million-dollars-richer ex, but DAYUM girl! These backhanded compliments about a legless lady just make you seem like a big ol’ halter-topped bully. What’s going to happen when taping starts? Are you going to yell “Hey Heather! Wanna be my partner in the three-legged race?” from across the dance floor? Why not just chase after her with a spitwad launcher while taunting, “Monopod, Monopod…”

Keep it clean, Carol. Sorry, CHERYL. CHERYL. I’ll get it right next time, I promise.

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