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But What Does ‘Japanime Britney’ DO?

June 21st, 2011 | 3 comments | Posted by Diana

Britney Spears at Thursday's Sacramento debut of her North American "Femme Fatale" tour

BRITNEY: Y’all, I can’t believe that opening night of this tour has gone on without an itch! I’m so excited, ladies, I wanna poop my pants!

DANCER (LEFT): Brit, I think what you mean is “off without a hitch.”

DANCER (RIGHT): Yeah, it’s definitely “hitch.”

BRITNEY: Wait, y’all sure? My mama always said without an “itch,” and that makes sense to me ’cause I would never want to get all itchy durin’ a show! Y’know?

DANCER (LEFT): Oh yeah! That makes sense. Maybe we’re wrong.

DANCER (RIGHT): Yeah, maybe we’re wrong. We’ll Wikipedia it later.

BRITNEY: Focus, ladies! We’re rocking “Japanime Britney” right now!!! Can y’all believe that Goco pulled this costume off in a HALF HOUR?

DANCER (RIGHT): Yeeeeeeeeup.

DANCER (LEFT): [cautiously] Girrrl!

BRITNEY: No, like the WHOLE THING.

DANCER (RIGHT): Hunh. I would’ve figured something more along the lines of fifteen minutes.

BRITNEY: Mmm. Well he works REALLY fast.

Continue reading But What Does ‘Japanime Britney’ DO?

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ROCK OF ASIAN: Royal Pirates

March 18th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

As you may already know, I’m a big fan of the new Britney album, and I’m not sorry about it. Not one bit. In fact, I’m rocking out to “Piece of Me,” right this very minute.”

So it’s no surprise that I would have a soft spot in my icy little heart for any artist so enchanted by the crazywoman’s new songs that they would perform a cover–even a band with otherwise questionable habits, like citing My Chemical Romance as an influence.

Royal Pirates, a duo of cute Korean guys that apparently operate out of both SoCal and SeoulKo, is that kind of band–a nü-emo, sentimental-thrash sort.

But, hell, after listening to their exquisite cover of Spears’s track, “Circus,” they can make all of the crappy emo-rock-core-pop they want, and I won’t hate. All is forgiven.

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Thanks, Ted!

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On the Record

January 20th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

In between shedding tears over today’s historic ceremony, and cooing over video of the Obama girls as they watched the Inaugural parade, we read this today: according to UK’s The Mirror, Britney Spears is slated to pen an autobiography. As we’ve stated before, any writer stupid enough to attempt writing a non-fiction book has our sympathy, since we’re pretty sure it’s the only activity so fucked up and difficult that it could kill an invincible man.

But hey–Brit’s strong, right? I mean, she did have a meltdown after Justin dumped her. And–oof–another one (if that’s what you call shaving your head and going ape shit on an SUV) after KFed left her. And her glazed eyes did fill up with anxiety when she recalled the source of her demise–“bad people”–during her interviews for insider doc For the Record. She’s been through some tough (we guess) shit, and gotten through it as a better, stronger (um…) woman.

She’ll be, uh, fine.

Totally fine.

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ROCK OF ASIAN: David Choi

December 17th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

There is something so appealing about producer/singer/songwriter/Internet phenom David Choi, even if you’re not typically the type to body-rock to soft country beats, swoon to a gentle harmonica lick, or sit around a campfire hanging on to every last tongue teaser of a gentle man’s sentimental-albeit-sensual, soft lyric (à la John Mayer, Jack Johnson, et al.).

There is a universal quality to Choi’s warm, lovey appeals, yet his distinctly smoky voice and occasional dabbles in twinkly amusement, along with his adorably forlorn mug, yank him edgewise of the smarmy pack.

Oh, we know what you’re thinking: What’s up, Johnnys-come-lately? I’ve been down with Sir Choi since ’04, yo! He’s won a zillion contests! He’s covered your favorite Britney song! We know, we know. Our friend Slanty tipped us off to his genius late last year, and reader Bobby sent us a note this week reminding us that we’ve slacked on showcasing the guy.

But you know, it’s never too late. And since it’s been raining for three days in LA–casting a luxuriously stormy gloom over the city that’s just perfect for staying in, gazing out the window, and melting into acousta-ballads–what better time to talk about a Choi than now?

Melt with us here.

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Thanks, Bobby!

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Thanksgiving Daysian

November 27th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana


It’s Turkey Day, my very favorite holiday–what other national occasion practically requires us to over-grub on carbs, watch football all day long, and fall asleep early?

Aside from all of the grubbing, here are the top 10 things I happen to be most thankful for on November 28, 2008:

10. Donald Draper


9. The fact that my three older sisters are all celebrating Thanksgiving together–but elsewhere in the country–so that my dignity and pride can remain intact through just one holiday celebrasian.


8. Shiatsu massage (Thank you, Aiko!)

7. Washington, Oregon, California, Nevada, Colorado, New Mexico, Minnesota, Iowa, Wisconsin, Illinois, Indiana, Ohio, Pennsylvania, Virgina, North Carolina, New York, Maine, Vermont, New Hampshire, Massachusetts, Rhode Island, Connecticut, New Jersey, Deleware, Maryland, District of Columbia, and Florida (Yes, Florida).

6. My new black MacBook, which was not stolen within two weeks of purchase like my last black MacBook.

5. My parents, who I live only to bring honor to (Hi Mom! Hi Dad!)


4. Jen’s parents, who I live only to bring honor to, too.

3. Toro sushi and baked crab rolls in soy paper. Also, the NFL.


2. The new Britney Spears song, “If You Seek Amy” (Say it aloud!)


1. JEN–who, aside from being my funniest, purtiest, saltiest, and most fabulous friend, is also my very favorite writer.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! We want y’all to give your Interwebs-tired eyes a rest, so pleeeease step away from the computer and go enjoy your friends and family!

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Even Asians Can Be Wrong Sometimes

October 13th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

I’LL ONLY ADMIT THIS ONCE: I totally stand corrected

Britney is BACK, yo! I don’t care if she used a body double for the wide-angle face-to-the-wall nudie shots (I’m pretty sure she did). I don’t mind that this video is just a cubicle-take on her “Toxic” video, and that she doesn’t shake her tail feather quite as well as she did at 16. Her face looks youthful, her eyes aren’t dead, and K-Fed doesn’t make an appearance. This song is catchier than a venereal disease! This crazy bitch is BACK!

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Merci, jRu!

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Barack Obama Loves Young White Women

July 31st, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

The McCain camp released an official smear ad yesterday simply entitled, “Celeb,” which juxtaposes Senator Obama with clips of Britney Spears (circa 1999) and Paris Hilton, supposedly highlighting Obama’s lack of substance despite his undeniable star power.

Frankly, we find the ad to be pretty embarrassing. It’s simply not good–the video quality is terrible, the editing shoddy, the voice-over nearly comical, the celebutard footage ineffective. And hey, we’re proud of the GOP for trying to get jiggy with thems newfangled concepts of viral interwebs marketing and all, but uh, they’re probably gonna have to do better than that.

Still, the piece has gotten a lot of attention, and in the process drawn quite a bit of controversy. One take in particular caught our eye via Political Punch–liberal blogger Josh Marshall from Talking Points Memo condemned McCain’s attacks yesterday but focused on one specific extrapolation we hadn’t even thought of:

“…the McCain campaign is now pushing the caricature of Obama as a uppity young black man whose presumptuousness is displayed not only in taking on airs above his station but also in a taste for young white women.”

Um… I’m not proud of McCain’s decision to resort to attack ads, but I have to say that in watching “Celeb” about 25 times over, I witnessed Obama being criticized for being all bark and no bite, being lauded for non-achievements, being celebrated for simply being a celebrity. But the thought never once struck me that Obama was being defamed with the insinuation that he likes to dabble in “young white women.”

What made us even go there? Obama, by all accounts, is a happily married man with a beautiful wife. And the footage in “Celeb” simply references the two most useless (yet most famous) stars of this decade. So I wonder how the point of lust was even dragged into the dialogue. Does a picture of a white woman and a black man instantly connote sexuality? Do we assume that even if black man isn’t leering over taut blondes, he must be denying the fact that he wants to? Do we always refer to people this way, by color?

My god, is this really 2008? I feel like I’m in a fucking time warp.

I also feel like I just spoke to someone at a dinner party that said, “I just love Black people. They’re such wonderful musicians and athletes.”

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Ne-Yo So Sick of Britney

July 22nd, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen


Poor Brit Brit. Blasian R&B artist Ne-Yo wrote some songs for her next album but gave them instead to Nicole Scherzinger of the Pussycat Dolls after Britney had her mental meltdown last year. Ne-Yo contends that it was Britney who flaked and only got her panties-she-never-wears in a twist when she discovered that he had given the songs to Nicole.

“I heard that she was upset with me,” Ne-Yo says, “and, you know, I don’t care.”

Meanwhile, Britney is looking better these days, if a little dead/medicated in the eyes, but she doesn’t hold a candle to Nicole, who, skanky as she is, is undeniably smokin’. Here’s the one non-stripper snap of the Pinaysian Pussycat that we were able to find on the world wide web-o-sphere:


Very Maria Callas. We like.

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Hello Grody

May 19th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Japan has named Hello Kitty a goodwill tourism ambassador in hopes that “tapping into that fan base will lead to a bigger flow of tourists into Japan.”


Really, Japan? You sure about that?

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Mariah Crazian

April 14th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Dear Chubs Mariah,

You’ve had a long, illustrious career that, for the most part, we don’t really understand. How does anyone as obsessed with glitter, honey, and butterflies actually make money besides Lisa Frank? How can you make psychotic multi-part appearances on Cribs or perform as pictured above and, as a result, outsell Elvis–while Britney Spears does most of the same shit and gets called a fat, crazy, pig while being forced into lockdown by her father?

You are nuts. We’re pretty used to it. But since we hum along to your Christmas tracks every December, we tend to let it slide.

But now, this E=mc² business, naming your album after a theory you probably can’t spell, is bologna, as we’ve stated. That doesn’t make us mad, it just makes us sad. You’re trying to claim our shit–brain stuff–and you don’t gots any, yo. We can get over that.

What we can’t get over, is you titling a song on that album “I’ll Be Lovin’ U Long Time”… NOW THAT IS BULLSHIT. What’s Track #8? “Suckee Fuckee U So Luckee!”

GO DUNK YOUR HEAD IN A TOILET, YOU GINORMOUS, STUPID, DEMENTED, SKANKY, LISA FRANKY POSEUR.

xoxo
Diana

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Busted

March 17th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

I know exactly what the Asian gal with the cute bangs–who is simply mindin’ her business while paying at the counter of Claire’s as Britney and her circus of paparazzi bl0w through–is thinking: “Fuck. All my bitchy Asian girlfriends just busted my ass buying C.Z.”

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A Hairy Situasian

February 21st, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Britney Spears getting her tresses dressed at the Kim Vo salon in Beverly Hills, CA this week:

BRITNEY: Y’all are so nice. Thanks for takin’ my appointment on such short notice.

FEMALE STYLIST: You gave us each five grand in cash and threatened to lay naked across our cars if we didn’t stay open.

BRITNEY: Right.

FEMALE STYLIST: It’s okay, Britney. You’re not well. We’re here to help.

BRITNEY: Awww! Y’all are so sweet!

FEMALE STYLIST: Mm-hmm.

BRITNEY: Can the paparazzios see me here?

FEMALE STYLIST: Yes, there’s a window.

BRITNEY: Why am I sittin’ by the window, y’all?

MALE STYLIST: You requested the window seat so that you could see all of the paparazzi-er-ohs.

BRITNEY: Oh! Alright, good.

MALE STYLIST: Bitch, you’re gonna look fierce when you walk outta here.

BRITNEY: That’s what y’all keep sayin’ but my paparazzerias friends, sometimes when they’re being mean to me, they say my head looks all nappy, and I’m all like errrrrr… whatever!

FEMALE STYLIST: (sternly, to male stylist) Um… Christian, would you mind grabbing me some more foils? (he exits)

BRITNEY: (whistles) So how come I never see Kim anymore? Is this not the (makes bunny ears quotation marks) Kim Vo salon?

MALE STYLIST: (from the other room) He’s sick!

BRITNEY: You said that last time. And the last time. And the time before that, y’all. I been wantin’ to tell him that I after I found out he was French/Viennese, I ate like a boatload of Vienna sausages. They were awesome!

FEMALE STYLIST: Sweetie, he’s French/Vietnamese. Vietnam is in ASIA. I am also from ASIA. We don’t eat Vienna sausages.

BRITNEY: Oh. Y’all should though.

FEMALE STYLIST: Mm hmm.

BRITNEY: So is he really sick?

FEMALE STYLIST: No, darlin’. He just doesn’t want to be responsible for this dead animal living on top of your head. And if you tell anyone that I did it, I’m gonna be sick the next time you call too.

MALE STYLIST: (from the other room) You’re FIERCE, Brit!

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