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I suppose there are sadder things than sharing a birthday with Michelle Malkin. For instance…
Sadder things like, y’know, waking up at the ass-crack of dawn to sit opposite the goddess-beautiful Diane Sawyer and Robin Roberts, performing your new pop single “Womanizer” without offending the children with your womanhood, then splitting your birthday cake with a live audience full of puffer coat-laden, middle American, GMA fanatics, all while making a point to defend your sanity/body shape/parenting skills/rollercoaster twenties/mother/baby-bearing baby sister/bad choice in men/love of Cheetos/questionable hygiene/waning music career/existence/basic intelligence/happiness.
Shoot. On my birthday, all I want to do is eat well, read happy messages on my facebook wall, receive hugs and presents, force my friends to make speeches about their respective sibling rivalries, and drink lots of Patrón.
Filed under: Britney Spears Should Retire, Diane Sawyer is Gorge, GMA, Good Morning America, Live Appearances, Patron, Sad and Unhappy People, Saving Face, Shitty Ways To Spend Your Birthday, Womanizer Video
Britney Spears, under the lock-down advisory of her beloved pops, has essentially cleaned up her act. There have been no cracked-out visits accompanied by the paparazzi to her local Jack-in-the-Box, no eruptions of violence on any automobiles, no party-kill moments of rejection at the entrance of the Four Seasons, no head shavings, no marriages, no divorces, no pregnancies. All in all, this is a very good time for the former pop princess. Relatively speaking.
She remains, however, a kind of tragic mystery. We love that she’s shaping up and getting her life together and recording music and all of that stuff, but do we expect a grand comeback? Not really. The real question is: Does she? Does she?
You’ve really gotta wonder why she even wants the spotlight anywhere near her overexposed puss at this point–though fame hath giveth her so much, it clearly taketh so much more away. And it shows. Among the cameras ever at Brit’s side for the last few months has been an MTV documentary lens, collecting intimate footage of the troubled celebrity through the process of stacking her life back together. The project, currently titled For the Record, seems a half-hearted attempt for her to set the record straight, and prove to the world that she’s not really as fragmented, sad, poorly-raised, and uncouth as she might seem. (Remember how well that worked the first time?)
It’s too hard to tell at this point exactly what proof is in the poorly-shot pudding. But we’ll see.
At the close of Record‘s trailer, Britney says: ” I sit there and I’ll look back and I’m like: I’m a smart person. What the hell was I thinking?”
Thing is, if she was actually a smart person, she would have stopped talking to cameras by now.
Filed under: Britney Spears Should Retire, Celebrity Whores, Chaotic, Comebacks, Documentaries, For the Record, Give It Up, MTV, Not Smart People, Sad, Setting the Record Straight, Shaping Up, Tragic Mysteries
The Sun reports that Britney Spears’s new video, for
a track nobody cares about her song, “Break the Ice,” will debut next month. Here’s the exciting part: the former pop princess will be depicted in zzZzZzANIMEzzZzZz (see above).
Don’t be fooled, everybody. The cartoon fantasy character may have real/long/luscious locks, a tiny waist, and perfectly perky breasts… but we’re pretty sure it’s still certifiably nutbars.
Oh Britney, Britney, Britney. I just got ready to watch your new video for “Piece of Me” and it got me all nostalgic, reminding me of the olden days when I worked out at the gym to the tune of “Oops!” and “I’m a Slave 4 U.” How I used to envy the shadowy sinews of your svelte seventeen-year old frame! How I admired your success at hiding a distinct inability to sing or speak in proper English. How I desperately wanted to move like you, ’cause GIRL, could you DANCE. You had MOVES!!!
What the fuzz has happened to your ability to hip shake? Seriously, I know you’re crazy, and your face is all toreUP, and you’ve got thighs like Thor, but none of those things should have an affect on your ability to move yo’ body. WHY CAN’T YOU DANCE ANYMORE? WHY ARE YOU JUST LAZILY SHUFFLING AROUND THE DANCE FLOOR? My grandma has a saying that goes something like, “if you aren’t going to be the best, kill yourself.” I’m not saying that you should kill yourself, ’cause that’s wrong or whatever, but I am calling you out on your half-assed two step. This shit is not gonna fly.
Listen to my grandma, Brit Brit, and next time you shoot a comeback video, show up for your choreography rehearsals.
Another track from Britney “I Don’t Give A Shiite That I’m Crazy” Spears’ forthcoming record has leaked to the gluttons for punishment of the Internet.
Save your ears, I’ll tell you which lyrics I take issue with:
I’m Miss American Dream since I was 17
Don’t matter if I step on the scene
Or sneak away to the Philippines
They still got pictures of my derrière in the magazine
You want a piece of me?
You want a piece of me…
Listen, we at DISGRASIAN have kept pretty quiet about the antics of Ms. Spears thus far, save for the occasional observation made about her offspring or innocent questioning of her ability to read.
But this we can’t keep quiet about. We don’t really care where Britney goes (although we’re happy to suggest rehab, or therapy, or Big Sur, or the 4-H hog-tying competition), we just don’t want her going anywhere near our peeps. Not a piece, a half, or a whole of her!
Britney busted with the Prayer Hands at last night’s VMAs during her dead-in-the-eyes, tragically lip-synced performance, “Gimme More.” But after watching her drift and gesture around the stage like a mentally-ill homeless woman shuffling along on the street…
“Oh Lawd. Please give me back the life I once knew. Replace this doughy beer gut with ma old six-pack. Make me look less like an awkward linebacker. My ass is so flat right now, it looks like the state of Kansas. Give me back ma charisma and ma innocence. I beseech you, even tho I have no clue what that word means. Please make the voices in ma head go away, too. Help me, Lawd. Please.”