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[Ed. note--this post was written in advance of the tragic shooting that occurred on Saturday, Jan. 8 in Arizona. Our thoughts go out to those affected by those events.]
We talked a lot in the closing months of last year how 2010 was BALLS. And you know why it was balls? Because it was a year ruled by DICKS. Dickheads, dickweeds, dickwads, dicktwits, dickfaces, cheesedicks, needledicks, pencil dicks, limp dicks, and a various assortment of Dick Tracies, seemed to poke their, ahem, heads out from all sides. It was actually hard to come up with only 10 Dicks From ’10 because the year was so chock-full of cocksmokers. But somehow, after a little dicking around, we did.
WHY THEY’RE DICKS: Everywhere we turned in 2010, there was another story about somebody named Palin being a dick. There was Todd Palin writing angry, poorly-punctuated emails. There was Willow Palin writing gay slur-slinging, poorly-punctuated Facebook comments. There was Bristol Palin being billed as a “teen activist” and dancing her way horribly to the Dancing With the Stars finals. And then there was Mama Grizzdick herself, Sarah Palin, who showed time and again that not only was she a dick, she was a Dick of All Trades–a refudiating dick, a 1st Amendment-confused dick, an Islamophobic dick, a book-shilling dick, a reality TV dick, a Tea Party dick, and, generally, an all-around fame-trolling dick of the highest magnitude. While it’s clear the Palins are gunning to be the First Family of the United States in 2012, for now, they can pat themselves on the backs for being, hands-down, the First Family of the United States of Dickbags.
OUR SOLUTION: The family of dicks that gets Dick Cancer together stays together. Another idea: JUST. GO. AWAY.
Filed under: 2010 Sucked Ass, Arizona, Arizona SB 1070, BP, BP Oil Spill, Brett Favre, Brett Favre Cheats On Wife, Brett Favre Penis, Brett Favre Sad Weiner, Brett Favre Why Did You Come Back?, Bristol Palin, Cheaters, Decision Points, Dick Cancer, Don't Ask Don't Tell, Everything About the Palins Sucks Ass, George W. Bush, George W. Bush Decision Points, Gwyneth Paltrow, Gwyneth Paltrow Country Strong, Gwyneth Paltrow Sings, Hamburger Helper Helps a Hamburger Help Gwen Make A Great Mess, Jesse James, Jesse James Cheats On Sandra Bullock, Jesse James Nazi Photo, Jesse James PR Suicide, John McCain, Kat Von D, Michelle "Bombshell" McGee, North Korea, Sarah Palin, SB 1070, The Palins, Todd Palin, TSA, TSA Body Scanner
I don’t know a terrible lot about Bristol Palin, and hold high hopes that behind the scenes, she’s not much like her boorish, media-whoring mother. However, one increasingly obvious similarity between the two seems to be an inability to look the other way when it comes to negative feedback. Frankly, no Palin seems able to resist the urge to respond publicly to a negative review–and Facebook is the venue of choice for little sister, mom and self.
Margaret Cho’s recent comments about the elder Palin forcing Bristol to join the cast of DWTS provided such an opportunity, and naturally, Bristol jumped at the chance. This week, young Palin responded to Cho in a sweet-as-eskimo-pie open letter on (Surprise!) Facebook:
I will give my friend credit for creativity, and extra points for getting so many “facts” wrong in so few sentences. Let me be blunt: my mom did not “force” me to go on DWTS. She did not ask me either. The show approached me. I thought about it. I made the decision. After first worrying for me in terms of being exposed to those who hate us for what we believe in, both my mom and my dad became my number one supporters. Anyone who watched the show could tell I performed better, and I felt better about myself, when they were in the audience. I wanted to make them both proud, but politics had nothing to do with it. Loving my parents had everything to do with it.
Well hell, good for Bristol for taking it upon herself to clear up those nasty rumors, defending her family’s honor (all you AZN peeps can undoubtedly identify with that), and remembering to use spell check while she was at it! Fine form! Maybe we aren’t giving this gal enough recognition for being a strong person and independent spirit, with her own words, opinions and talent.
Bristol also used her creative noggin to inject a bit of humor into her letter, closing it with what some commenters are calling a “questionable” lesbian quip:
You say you “don’t agree with the family’s politics at all” but I say, if you understood that commonsense conservative values supports the right of individuals like you, like all of us, to live our lives with less government interference and more independence, you would embrace us faster than KD Lang at an Indigo Girls concert.
HUNH. What an interesting reference for a 20-year-old to make in 2010, what with so many fun lesbians/lesbian dabblers swirling around the pop culture PR circuit to choose from right now! Were I in her position, I imagine I might have chosen to mention someone more… au courant. Y’know, like Ellen and Portia or Queen Latifah, maybe Samantha Ronson, Le Tigre, Tegan and Sara, la dee dah, the list really does kinda go on and on…
But no, I suppose the obvious lesbian joke for a free-thinking millennial like Bristol to make would be one about KD Lang and the Indigo Girls. They were both huge in the nineties and she was, um, born in the nineties, so that kinda makes sense I guess.
I mean, it’s not like Sarah Palin’s writing those jokes for her or anything.
Microagressions tracks and calls bullshit on those annoying acts and indignities of the ignorant that insult people of color. [microagressions.tumblr.com - thanks, Veronica!]
According to Margaret Cho, the only reason Bristol Palin competed on “Dancing With The Stars” was because her Hardass mother Sarah Palin forced her. Is it possible we actually feel kinda…sorry for Bristol? Ugh. [MargaretCho.com]
Yellow kid Fei “Phillip” Lam, a Queens high school student, is now known as the “White iPhone Kid.” He’s already made a mint breaking down the barrier between gadget nuts and the not-yet-available white iPhone 4 by selling simple DIY kits. [The Observer via Gothamist]
Sounds like relations between Miami Heat coach Erik Spoelstra and King James are a bit frosty. Frenemies! [The Huffington Post]
Some Hindu peeps would like to remind y’all that yoga isn’t just for Eat, Pray, Love-reading, lululemon-shopping Westerners, aight? [The New York Times]
Sheena Matheiken’s Uniform Project lives on in 2010, its message of sustainable design taken up by twelve of her fellow fashion-forward friends. She interviewed project participant Angie Johnson for The Huffington Post. [The Huffington Post]
Filed under: Basketball, Bristol Palin, Dancing With the Stars, Erik Spoelstra, LeBron James, Margaret Cho, Miami Heat, microaggressions, Sarah Palin, Sheena Matheiken, sustainability, Uniform Project, Yoga, yoga is an Asian sport y'all
As Bristol Palin heads into the finals of Dancing With the Stars tonight, everyone wants to know what her being in the top 3, despite consistently receiving the worst scores from the judges–and the fact that she could, like, OMG, “totally win”–means in the big picture. You know, the big picture of Tea Parties, Mama Grizzlies, and unseating a Socialist President in 2012?
Does it mean the Tea Party is more organized than non-wackjob political, er, establishments?
Does it mean there will be more voter fraud in 2012?
Does it mean Sarah Palin will be our next Mama Grizzly-in-Chief???
Filed under: Bristol Palin, Bristol Palin Dancing With the Stars, Bristol Palin DWTS, DWTS, Everything About the Palins Sucks Ass, Failing Upward, Mama Grizzlies, Mama Grizzly, Mediocre People, Palin Supporters, Sarah Palin, Sarah Palin 2012, So-Called Teen Activists, Tea Partiers, Tea Party, The Palins, The Palins Are A Study in Mediocrity
Willow Palin (the 16-year-old, not-yet-pregnant daughter of Sarah) is at the center of much controversy today, after messages that she and big sib Bristol contributed to a family acquaintance’s Facebook thread were made public. Both girls’ numerous comments contained a plethora of expletives and garish spelling errors (frankly, all 15 of the thread’s contributors displayed the verbal abilities of a struggling, assholic 4th grader–download and view the whole mess from TMZ here), but Willow’s quickly made use of some choice homophobic slurs:
Naturally, a backlash from the er, supergay left had the Palins crying that Willow ain’t no homophobe, simply a sweet kid tossing around words–haters just want to hate! And backing them right up was an organization of folks that never cease to confuse me–the gay Republican members of GOProud. Here’s what the Stockholm Syndrome sufferers had to say in an official statement defending Willow’s words:
Willow Palin is a 16 year old girl who, like all 16 year olds is going to make mistakes and say things she shouldn’t have. This, however, has nothing to do with Willow Palin or the substance of what she said on Facebook. The ‘slur’ used here is one you could hear on the streets of West Hollywood or Chelsea every day of the week. Apparently, it’s only a ‘homophobic slur’ when it comes from the daughter of a conservative female leader. Make no mistake; this is all about destroying Sarah Palin by any means necessary.
Do I really need to speak as a member of an ethnic group often plagued by racial slurs? I hope this is apparent to everybody: the nuances of a slur have to do with the intent to insult or disparage, and, as Ernie Lepore expressed during a discussion of slurs in his November 7 NYT piece, ‘Speech and Harm,’ membership of the group being discussed is one of the slur’s few escape clauses. If Willow’s words are being tossed around in Chelsea and WeHo (I’m assuming GOProud is intimating the gays of these ‘hoods are the ones tossing), it seems highly unlikely that they are being used to belittle or marginalize.
Such is not the case for Willow. Her comments are not slurs because her mom is an incompetent, reviled politician, they’re slurs because they are slurs, and deeply offensive. So maybe she should just STFU.
Filed under: Bristol Palin, Chelsea, Deplorable Comments, Facebook, Flame Wars, Gay Republicans, GOProud, Homophobic Slurs, Sarah Palin, Sarah Palin Alaska, Slurs, Speech and Harm, West Hollywood, Willow Palin
Apparently, $35,000 isn’t enough money to show your wang for.
After promising full-frontal in his upcoming Playgirl shoot–and having his Baby Mama’s mama, Sarah Palin, accuse him of doing “porn”–Levi Johnston got shy and canceled his wang’s scheduled appearance in the magazine. Semi-nude shots of Johnston will still be posted on November 21, and a teaser pic was released Tuesday:
Wang or no wang, Gay Icon status, here he comes!
[photo via HuffPo]
New America Media reports that Korean-American voters are not feeling Sarah Palin. One reason for this? They’re not impressed by her performance in her most touted role to date–being a Mom.
“Of course (Bristol Palin’s pregnancy) is a family matter. However, I can’t brush off the thought of how a person who couldn’t even bring (her) own family into order could bring order in the country,” said Bongsoo Kim, a 68-year-old grandfather who lives in the Koreatown area.
And since Asians are taught to respect their elders and accept that they know better and are always right, I simply have to defer to Mr. Kim on this point. Anything short of that would be rude and bring shame to my own family!
A lot has been made of Sarah Palin’s husband Todd’s Yup’ik Eskimo ancestry since the Alaskan governor was named McCain’s running mate. The “First Dude” of Alaska is one-eighth Yup’ik, and Yup’iks are descended from people of Eastern Siberia and Asia who came over a gajillion years ago, after the Native American migrasian. Todd is, therefore, octorasian. A fact that’s been noted in virtually every profile of him in the past week, as if to say, Look, Governor Palin’s family is yellow/brown/minority/native/ethnic, too!
And we say, Welcome! Because, like Governor Palin, we’re “inclusive” people. And if you’re biologically Asian–even an itty-bitty bit like that cutie-patootie, hawtie-patawtie Phoebe Cates–that’s good enough for us.
That said, we did come across a few problems with the Palins’ applicasian for entry into the tribe. Here is a partial list of red flags:
1) Asians, unlike Todd, finish college.
3) Asian parents, unlike Todd, do not hold up their children as examples when–on the statistically-minimal chance–said children get knocked up by “fuckin’ rednecks.” Instead, Asian parents lock their children up in a room and throw away the key; ritualistically beat them with a shoe, hairbrush, or the hard-end of a flyswatter; repeatedly tell their children how ungrateful they are, what a disgrace they’ve turned out to be, and how much shame they’ve brought to their family. Or they simply disown their disappointing devil spawn.
Hmm. This is not going so well. Perhaps we should leave Bristol out of the conversasian, since she is, after all, only a child.
4) Asian parents don’t cut their children any slack. Ever. And most certainly not based on age. How else do you think we’ve produced so many prodigies?
Shoot. Guess we’re not going to lay off Bristol. Or Todd and Sarah, for being shitty parents. Because, as everyone knows…
5) Asians are really fuckin’ judgmental. Asians hold themselves and others to impossible standards. When Asians make mistakes, they might not admit it publicly to save face, but they sure as shit don’t throw confetti at it either. Asians don’t turn their shame into shameless photo-ops (except, perhaps, for Tila Tequila).
Alright, you know what? There’s no way we’re going to make this work, so fuck it. Being inclusive is–like polishing a turd–hella exhausting. And it’s pretty patently obvious that the Palins are IN NO FUCKING WAY Asian. DISGRASIAN, yes, but Asian? Not so much.
Filed under: Ancestral Heritage, Bristol Palin, Bristol Palin Pregnancy, Family Values, Hardass Asian Parents, Not One of Us, People With No Shame, Sarah Palin, Softass Asian Parents, Todd Palin, Yupik Eskimo
LEVI: Impregnawhat? I’m just a fuckin’ redneck. Dude, how old are you again? Like, 126 years old? You got hella bags under your eyes, man. You should do something about that.
McCAIN: Well, I can’t, you cunt, because I can’t lift my arms high enough to put on Cindy’s expensive eye cream every night. Because I’m a fuckin’ war hero, okay? A P-O-FUCKIN’-W, ever heard of it?
LEVI: Yeah, yeah. Whatevs. I know guns are cool and shit. Don’t get your crusty panties in a twist, bro.
BRISTOL: (sighs) I love it when men fight over me. This is so romantic. Levi, I can’t wait to have your baby. And the second one, and the third, and the fourth, and the…
LEVI: Whoa, whoa, whoa, lady. Slow down. Remember how I said I didn’t want any fuckin’ kids? Boy, you really effed up my life plans.
BRISTOL: Your life plans? What about my life plans?
LEVI: What are you fuckin’ talkin’ about? I made you. You’re set. Instead of being branded a pinhead by Bill O’Reilly and having conservatives blame your parents for this shit, you’re, like, now the poster child for the right-to-life movement. As though abortion had anything to do with our fuckin’ a lot without a condom. Think about it–you’re getting rewarded for your “morals” by puttin’ out at 17! Most kids our age would get killed for this shit, and I’m going to be on national TV instead. This is the greatest bait-and-switch in history. I’m a fuckin’ genius.
McCAIN: Kid, you are a fuckin’ genius. A cunt, but a genius cunt, nevertheless. (beat) Do you want to run my campaign?
LEVI: The dividends from fuckin’ without a condom just keep rollin’ in. Sweeeet.
Filed under: Abortion, Abstinence-Only Does Not Work, Bristol Palin, Fuckin' Without a Condom, Horribly Run Campaigns, John McCain, Knocked Up, Levi Johnston, Rednecks, Sarah Palin, The 2008 Presidential Election
In an effort to rebut rumors that she faked the birth of her fifth child in order to cover up the pregnancy of her sixteen year-old daughter, Republican VP candidate Sarah Palin has just confirmed that the now-17 year-old Bristol is currently five months pregnant.
Whether or not you buy the story that Trig Palin is actually Bristol’s too (and therefore the Governor’s grandson–which would kinda intimate that Bristol is a very busy girl) or that Palin’s teen daughter is three, four, five, or eleventy-billion months pregnant for the first time, one thing has now also been confirmed:
Teen pregnancy is SO HOT right now.
God, I can’t wait for them to make “I’M WITH CHILD” baby tees at Kitson! I know I’d sure as heck spend $125 on one of those.
Filed under: Baby Mamas, Bristol Palin, People Who Have No Shame, Republicans, Ruh-Roh, Sarah Palin, Sarah Palin Fake Pregnancy, Screw HIgh School Be A Mom, Spike from Degrassi High Is A Pioneer, Teen Pregnancy