You are currently browsing posts tagged with Brett Ratner

Hey! Olivia Munn All Glossy And Naked-like, Again

November 3rd, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Our girl Olivia will soon debut Hey Olivia!, her own personal magazine with MyMag–a company that asks famous people/tastemakers/yadda yadda to curate material for their own personal issues.

But who cares about the specifics? That’s burying the important news, which is: WOOHOO! NEW PICTURES OF OLIVIA IN LINGERIE! READ IT AND WEEP!!!

Hey! Boobs!

Hey! Boobs!

Currently, Olivia is joined in the editor’s box by DISGRASIANaries Brett Ratner and DJ Steve Aoki. They don’t look nearly as good in their skivvies, that’s for sure.

Continue reading Hey! Olivia Munn All Glossy And Naked-like, Again

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When Worlds Collide: Michael Lohan, Brett Ratner and Jon Gosselin

July 28th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana


BRETT RATNER: Smile, bros, we’re on camera.

MICHAEL LOHAN: Eyyyyyy! [points to Ratner] My boyyyyyyyyyyyyys!! Yo!

JON GOSSELIN: It’s so different when you know there’s a camera there.

BRETT RATNER: Right?

MICHAEL LOHAN: Oh. I always know there’s a camera there.

BRETT RATNER: Right.

JON GOSSELIN: So…ah…where are all the fine ladies, or y’know, where are the…?

BRETT RATNER: What’re you talkin’ about bro? There’s so much snatch here you’d think we were robbin’ a bank.

MICHAEL LOHAN: Yeah, I could get some work done in a little orifice space.

BRETT RATNER: I could lick the poon clean.

MICHAEL LOHAN: Yeah, I bet half the girls here screw better than my daughter.

[Astronomically awkward, 9-months pregnant pause]

JON GOSSELIN: I, uh…

MICHAEL LOHAN: Don’t get your panties in a wad, spermy! I’ve never laid a finger on my little girl. You know, right? You’re a father.

JON GOSSELIN: I love my children. I just hated my wife. And my life.

MICHAEL LOHAN: So you know what I’m saying. I think my daughter is an incredibly gifted, talented, mature woman. I’m very proud of her and if any journalist or blogger of Facebooker here wants to put me on record saying that, bring it on.

BRETT RATNER: Yeah. I think she’s super talented too. She looks really good. I’ve been dying to photograph her nude, artfully.

JON GOSSELIN: Oh, you know her?

BRETT RATNER: Oh yeah. I “know” her.

MICHAEL LOHAN: Yeah he does. I bet she fucks real good.

JON GOSSELIN: Um. Michael?

MICHAEL LOHAN: Kidding, Gossie, kidding! You have daughters… you know what I mean!

JON GOSSELIN: I…er… don’t, dude. I don’t think I do.

MICHAEL LOHAN: Ha ha ha!

BRETT RATNER: Man, we are a force to be reckoned with, huh? Bunch of sucessful, powerful, good looking dudes.

JON GOSSELIN: Thanks for noticing! I’ve actually been doing some crunches in the mornings. I don’t know if I would call myself super successful, though. Well, I’ve sorta co-written a book. And I know what you do. But I don’t actually know what Michael does.

MICHAEL LOHAN: I’m a student of life, brah.

BRETT RATNER: Yeah, he’s a student of life, man! Look at him! He’s the man!

MICHAEL LOHAN: You could photograph me nude.

BRETT RATNER: I should cast you guys in a movie! [To Gosselin] You’re part Chinaman, right? And what are you, a Gemini, Aries?

JON GOSSELIN: Chinaman?

MICHAEL LOHAN: You eat rice.

JON GOSSELIN: So do you!

BRETT RATNER: Yes, but [points to himself and Lohan] it’s different when we do it.

JON GOSSELIN: I’m half Korean. I’m also French and Welsh.

BRETT RATNER: “Oh welsh!” Hahaha! I think you could still be a really funny Chinaman.

JON GOSSELIN: I’m not an actor.

BRETT RATNER: That’s what people told Michael, and look at him. That’s what people told me, and look at me!

JON GOSSELIN: Um. Yeah. I’m starting to think that I don’t really want to.

[via Dlisted]

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Control: Not Just for Janet Jackson Anymore

April 20th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

At long last, Jackie Chan went and decided to get all political on us.


From AP:

“I’m not sure if it’s good to have freedom or not,” Chan said. “I’m really confused now. If you’re too free, you’re like the way Hong Kong is now. It’s very chaotic. Taiwan is also chaotic.”

Chan added: “I’m gradually beginning to feel that we Chinese need to be controlled. If we’re not being controlled, we’ll just do what we want.”

Suddenly, we find ourselves wishing that Chan would shift his focus back to making oodles and oodles of money for clowning around like an idiot in bad Brett Ratner movies.

Seriously.

[AP: Jackie Chan: Chinese people need to be controlled]
[AP: Jackie Chan's China comments prompt backlash]

Thanks, Pete and Josh!

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Party Nominasian With A Side of Ketchup?

January 10th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Former Presidential Candidasian Sen. John Kerry officially endorsed Sen. Barack Obama today, saying: “Barack Obama isn’t just going to break the mold… Together, we are going to shatter it into a million pieces.”

One of CNN’s sources seems convinced that Kerry “remains one of the most popular figures in the Democratic Party and [has] an e-mail list with millions of addresses,” but I dunno. I really wonder if his thumbs-up will help or hurt Obama’s campaign: Kerry is no doubt a Senator of experience, with a background in foreign policy (proof positive that BO can rally the big dogs to help him shepherd legislation)–but jeezus, he is married to that fabulous wack-o Teresa.

That said… I suppose one could keep worse, more DISGRASIAN company

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Thank you kindly, Edana!

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The Countdown Begins

July 27th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Only TWO WEEKS left until the August 10 premiere of Rush Hour 3. The countdown begins!!!!

In the meantime, I suppose we’ll just have to pass the time watching something else, like this:

Ron, the Steaming Pile of Turd

…I wonder if anyone’ll notice the difference?


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He Take Your Picture, He Take Your Picture

June 25th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Photos from Jimmy Choo’s FW07 campaign, styled by celebrity anorexic stylist Rachel Zoe have surfaced!

And guess who was behind the camera, shooting his second Choo campaign?

Our own favorite DISGRASIAN Hall-of-Famer, Rush Hour auteur, Brett Fat. Word on the street is that his two initial ideas for the photographs–which included a) blowing up the planes in the background for “intense effect” and b) getting his “cool friend, this guy named Jim Choo (ha ha), who makes these really silly chinky faces and kung fu and stuff” to lick model Heather Mark’s patent stiletto–were promptly denied.

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Politasians

May 31st, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen
Senator Hillary Clinton, Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa, and some fat slob

Rush Hour 3 hack no-talent blubberball starfucker cheesedick ree-ree triple-chin Cialis-addict jagoff fucktard jizzwad skid mark boogereater assface lame-o shit-for-brains brown-noser wanker asswich douche butt-cheese cuntbag dungpile cockweed hemorrhoid goatfucker auteur Brett Fatner hosted a “Young Hollywood” party for Senator Hillary Clinton this week. Mayor Villaraigosa showed, as did much of young Hollywood.

The Pivert (age 42)

Fashion photographer Patrick Demarchelier (age 64) and the legendary Quincy Jones (age 74)

Former NYPD Blue star Sharon Lawrence (age 99)

Well, that settles it. I pretty much know who I’m voting for in ’08. His name rhymes with “Yo Mama.” I guess I should thank you, Brett Fat, for helping me make these kinds of tough decisions.

the RZA: I’m with Stoopid


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Anticip-p-pasian

May 23rd, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

At long last, the trailer for Rush Hour 3. It drop-kicks theaters in August.

Two words: CAN’T WAIT.

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Hurtin’ Newton

April 18th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana


BOB EVANS: Isn’t this great, guys? We should form a band.

BRETT RATNER: I can’t believe Sheila Nevins actually funded my Helmut Newton doc!

COURTNEY LOVE: If Helmut was still alive, I would have loved to pose nude for him.

BOB EVANS: We could be called, “The Plastic Surgery Victims,” or um, “The ScaryFaces.”

BRETT RATNER: I mean, I AM the genius behind Rush Hours 1 and 2… do you remember how Chris Tucker said, “I don’t understand…a word.. you are saying” to that funny Chinaman? That shit was me! All me.

BOB EVANS: I can’t even feel my own nose.

COURTNEY LOVE: Me neither.

BOB EVANS: Court, I don’t know if you know this, but your left cheek is falling off.

COURTNEY LOVE: That’s not true! That’s just paparazzi photos! They make you look worse than you are!

BOB EVANS: But I’m standing right next to you.

COURTNEY LOVE: Uh… Ehrm… Oh! I know… we should call ourselves “The Helmut Newtons.”

BOB EVANS: Brilliant! Brett, how on earth did you get Sheila to make this film? I’m not questioning your ability or anything, but you did ruin the X-Men movie empire, and that’s hard to do.

BRETT RATNER: Bryan Singer is a hack. He puts too much emotion and sense into his films. People loved X3. Everything blew up.

BOB EVANS: Is it true you wanted to change the name of the movie to “Brett Ratner’s X-Men Movie with Many Explosions?”

BRETT RATNER: It’s Brett Rat.

BOB EVANS: What’s that?

BRETT RATNER: Brett Rat.

BOB EVANS: …

COURTNEY LOVE: Do you have any coke, Rat?

BRETT RATNER: Courtney, I think your cheek is falling off. You should probably fix it before we screen my film.

COURTNEY LOVE: What film?

BRETT RATNER: My Helmut Newton doc.

COURTNEY LOVE: Whoa… They let you shoot a documentary?

BRETT RATNER: Wait. How did you get in here? Get her out of here. She wears fake Chanel.

BOB EVANS: Helmet Newton? Wait! I knew a Helmut Newton. What’s your name again?

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Ambassadork Chan

March 13th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana


Costumed in police attire this week, “martial arts star” Jackie Chan announced that he will star in a new recruitment campaign for the LAPD.

At the press conference he added, “I’m the police ambassador in Taiwan, Japan, Hong Kong, China, everywhere.”


Huh?

EVERYWHERE?

Jackie, in the mid-seventies, when every single one of my siblings, relatives, and immigrant Vietnamese friends crossed over the Pacific to become war refugees in the United States, shit was BAD. Every kid on the block–regardless of class or color–wanted to kick some little Charlie ass. And in the face of danger, only one thing stood between every single Vietnamese Kid and about 300 knuckle sandwiches. Do you know what that thing was?


Bruce Lee.

All you had to say was that you knew Bruce Lee, and by golly, Fat Tommy or Billy the Killer would for some reason believe you and leave you alive for another day.

Bruce Lee had the grace of a gazelle, the fire of a dragon, the soul of a Buddha. He only laughed after he’d ripped your heart out with his left hand. Bruce Lee was a fearsome, wonderful hero and everybody knew it. Bruce Lee was an ambassador.

You, however, refuse to practice kickflips without slapping an embarassingly dippy grin across your face. You allow Chris Tucker to make YOU look like the babbling idiot in those Rush Hour movies, and oh, you’ve somehow managed to aid Brett Ratner in becoming one of the most successful “directors” in Hollywood.

Please, please omit “everywhere” from your list of destinations as Ambassador of anything. I don’t think I can defend myself against Fat Tommy yet.

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