DISGRASIAN™

DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! The Balloon Boy Family

Lessons learned from yesterday’s Balloon Boy incident…

1) It only took one person to start the rumor–and the ensuing media frenzy we all used as an excuse to blow off work Thursday–that 6 year-old Falcon Heene was up in that shiny, oversized-birthday balloon. And that person was Falcon’s older brother, 9 year-old Bradford.

LESSON LEARNED: We should never believe anything that comes out of children’s mouths.

2) When the Heene family was later interviewed by Wolf Blitzer on Larry King Live, little Falcon dropped a bombshell that suggested the day’s events had been nothing but a carefully-planned hoax: “We did this for the show.”



LESSON LEARNED: We should believe everything that comes out of children’s mouths.

3) On Friday morning, when the Heene family was gently pressed by a kindly Meredith Vieira on The Today Show about Falcon’s bombshell statement, the 6 year-old vomited not once, but twice (around the 6:28 mark).

LESSON LEARNED: Vomiting on cue, unlike crying on cue, is a majorly underrated talent.

4)
LESSON LEARNED: Richard Heene is not as talented an actor as his puking-on-cue son, Falcon.

5) Our favorite blog patroness, Arianna Huffington, went on MSNBC’s The Ed Show Thursday afternoon to talk about this little thing called Afghanistan, but the interview was subsequently hijacked by the subject of Falcon Heene, who had, at that point, been found very much alive.

When Arianna, who later deemed Balloon Boy a “non-story,” asked host Ed Schultz, “Now that the little boy has been found, why are we still talking about it?” Schultz responded, somewhat scoldingly, that Balloon Boy was “a good lesson to parents across the country to make sure you always know where your kids are.”

Uh, right.

LESSON LEARNED: On second thought, there are no lessons to be learned from Balloon Boy.

Sigh. Well, we may have learned nothing whatsoever from Balloon Boy…

…but we still think Falcon Heene would make a seriously awesome Halloween costume.

Think about it. Run with the possibilities. Nay, fly! Fly on little Falcon Heene’s clipped wings!

LESSON LEARNED: When life hands you a Balloon Boy lemon, make Balloon Boy lemonade.

Thanks, Jasmine!

Filed under: Attention Whores, Breaking News, Fake Scandals, Halloween, Reality TV, Reality TV Contestants, UFOs

*BREAKING NEWS* Euna Lee and Laura Ling, U.S. Journalists, Pardoned

It is confirmed: LAURA AND EUNA HAVE BEEN PARDONED.

We can barely contain our joy and tears and can’t wait to see their faces when they come home tonight.

Additionally, we couldn’t be more thankful that Kim Jong Il accepted Bill Clinton’s apology for the journalist’s “hostile acts,” and issued the special pardon himself. That said, we still think he’s an asshole.

[BBC News: North Korea Pardons US Reporters]
[CNN: N. Korean leader pardons U.S. Journalists]

Source

Filed under: Bill Clinton, Breaking News, Chinese Teacher Tears Student's Cheek Off, Come Home Safe, Diplomacy, Euna Lee, Finally, Joy, Laura Ling, Liberasian, OMG, Pardons, Reprieve, Return of Euna and Laura

As If You Cared: The Gosselins File for Divorce

BREAKING NEWS: Jon and Kate “Save for Those TLC Devotees, Most of Y’all Had No Idea Who We Were Before TMZ Started Posting Drunken Photos of Dad” Gosselin have filed for divorce.

Maybe they crossed their fingers when they renewed the wedding vows?

This announcement comes as a huge shock to the world, especially those of us who have always believed that both marriage and parenthood of multiples are really super easy to make work and maintain; made all the easier by playing out the drama on the reality television screen.

Huge shock.

Source
Thanks, Jasmine!

Filed under: Breaking News, Divorce, Jon Gosselin, Kate Gosselin, Maybe Now We Can Stop Hearing About these Awful Parents, Poor Things--the 8 Kids, Reality TV, Ways to Ruin A Family, ZZzzzZzZzZZzzzz

Binghamton, NY: Don’t Shoot

HAPPENING RIGHT NOW: at least four people have been killed, dozens shot, and more taken hostage at a Binghamton, NY American Civic Association, which offers services to immigrants.

When we woke up to this news, we dreaded hearing eyewitness accounts that the gunman (who is still in the building) was Asian. But those accounts keep coming.

Watch the story unfold at CNN.com.

*Update: Local News 10 (aired on televised CNN) just reported that two men of Asian descent have been removed from the building in handcuffs by officers in regular police uniforms.

[CNN: 12 die, up to 40 held hostage in Binghamton shootings]

Thanks, Chris

Filed under: American Civic Association, Asian Shooter, Binghamton, Breaking News, Guns, Immigrants, New York, Sadness, Shootings, Unfunny Stuff, We Are Not All Gunmen